A/N: Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed so far! I hope you guys like this next portion! Just so you know, this is Hermione's diary we're reading, so all of this took place the summer before and will go through the school year. And remember, this is a teenage girl's diary, so you may not read about everything, she may discuss a lot of contradicting emotions, who knows! (Any girl out there who writes or wrote in a journal knows what I mean!) Remember to tell me what you think!!
Warning: In the later part of this particular chapter, there is some sensitive stuff, so… if you don't want to go on without knowing what it is, you're welcome to PM me. I just don't want to give away the plot to everyone.
Chapter 1: Closed Off
Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
22 June 1996
Well, I guess it's around that time of year again. Again my journal is filled to the very last page and I begin another one, a brand new book, now empty of everything but blank pages waiting to be filled. Hopefully I'll manage to fit this summer and next school year within the pages that are already available and not have to insert more like last year and the year before. By the way, this journal will recount my sixth year of Hogwarts, so it follows the red bound journal from last year.
Anyway, the events of the past couple of weeks still astound me. How could they not? I know Harry is having a hard time with everything, but I think the loss of Sirius hit especially hard. Of course, I still have all my parents and parent figures so I don't actually know how he feels, but I'd like to think I have an idea. I've tried talking to him about it, but Ron kept interrupting. I know he thinks it'll make Harry depressed and clam up, but can't he see that Harry needs to talk about it? He's already depressed and shut down. Still, I do feel bad for making him uncomfortable, even if I am trying to help him out.
The news is full of stories about Voldemort and Harry and Dumbledore and the fight. They'll probably be running stories like that for the rest of the summer, maybe even longer.
The ride home on the Hogwarts Express went by without incident. Mum and Dad picked me up at King's Cross shortly after we arrived. The drive home was filled with questions about my school year. They miss me a lot when I'm gone. Sometimes I feel bad, but I know and they know that Hogwarts is a great opportunity for me.
I wonder if they know about what's going on. I really don't want to tell them… What if they get upset and don't let me go back? But surely the rest of England will not stay forever blind to Voldemort and his Death Eaters. I feel almost responsible for telling my parents exactly what is happening before their very eyes. But I wouldn't want them to worry.
23 June 1996
So, today was my first official day of summer. Mum insists on me waiting at least three days before starting my homework, so she and I unpacked all my things and just relaxed. She told me how the office was doing and how Mrs. Bean's youngest son is walking now. Oh, and supposedly Mrs. Bean might be calling to ask me to babysit.
But something seems to be bothering Mum. Dad, too. They both were giving each other strange looks at supper. I think they're keeping something from me. I'll ask them tomorrow.
24 June 1996
I can't believe it. I got another letter from Victor today. Do you know what he went on and on about? This girl he wants to ask out! He was asking me for advice! What nerve. Two months ago he was talking about how excited he was for me to visit him over the summer, and now he's gushing over some other girl? Am I that forgettable? Or maybe he just never actually felt that way about me. Maybe I was just seen in the 'best friend whose a girl' light. Figures. Just like Thomas. And Will. Gosh, am I doomed to never be liked by guys the way I like them?
Oh, I forgot to ask Mum and Dad about what they're keeping from me. I'll have to remember to do that.
25 June 1996
Today I went out to the cinema with Susan and Michelle and William and his friend Stephen. Michelle and William are still going out, so that was a little awkward, but I had Susan. And Stephen seemed rather nice. And he is kind of nice looking. But, I can't get involved in summer relationships – I'll probably end up spending most of my summer with Ron and Harry, like last year. Though I guess we won't be able to use Sirius' place anymore. I'm not sure how the legal process works with his family and all the Black family possessions now that he's passed away. Perhaps we'll just go to the Burrow. There'll be more room now with Fred and George living out of the house too.
I wonder how Harry's taking things. I've still been getting The Daily Prophet, and so far they're still telling the stories about that night at the Ministry and talking about Harry and Professor Dumbledore and, of course, measures to take against the Death Eaters. And then there were claims that Fudge isn't doing all he can and ignored the signs… I wonder, what will happen there? Not sure. Well, my bed beckons.
26 June 1996
Oh my goodness. Horrible news. I was over at Susan's house earlier today – we were talking about school and stuff – and her mum was watching the news broadcast. Evidently, there's been a terrible murder. Amelia Bones was killed by Death Eaters. I'm sure that's what happened. The news reporter said she was a normal woman, but I'm pretty sure she's the same Amelia Bones that I've heard about in the wizarding world. The coincidence otherwise is simply too unbelievable. The murder was awful; I don't even want to go into details. I suppose I'll get the true version of events in tomorrow's Prophet. I can't believe the Death Eaters were able to get to her. The prospect is frightening, in the least. The rest of Muggle England will not be blind to Voldemort's actions for long.
Though overall, the day wasn't all bad. See… Stephen called and we talked for a while. Anyways, he's really nice and interesting and fun to talk to. And he asked me to go out with him Friday night. I'm actually excited. Maybe, oh, I don't know. I'll talk to Susan about it. Oh, nice dreams in store tonight!
27 June 1996
I can't believe them! This is so NOT FAIR! They can't do this to me! 'Oh, we want to actually spend some time together as a family, Hermione.' 'We never see you anymore, Hermione.' Stupid, ignorant MUGGLES! They don't understand! The wizarding world is at war! I have to be there for my friends. I want to spend time with them.
My parents don't want me to go to Ron's this summer. At all. They say they'll be able to take me to Diagon Alley and take care of everything. Don't they get that I want to be with my friends? So what if Ron and Harry and I are sixteen? It's not like I'd do anything. Is that what they think of me? I thought I'd proven that I'm responsible. I'm not going to sleep around like some whore. I'm not a stupid teenage girl, just a teenage girl who wants to spend time with my friends.
Susan doesn't understand my pain. Of course, she's upset in my behalf, but I know she's also glad we'll be able to spend more time together. I miss her, too, of course, but… I don't know. I just was really looking forward to going to the Burrow. Though, as Susan said, I guess now I'll have more time to explore this relationship with Stephen. I am looking forward to our date tomorrow night.
28 June 1996
I stubbornly ignored my parents today, which was rather simple since they were at the office most of the day. Things are still bad in the wizarding community, though everyone else doesn't exactly know it yet. They will soon enough.
I haven't heard from either Harry or Ron since returning home, and it's not as if I could send them a letter first. I wouldn't trade Crookshanks for anything, but there are times I yearn for an owl of my own. I still have to tell them I can't go to the Burrow.
Ekkk! Okay, I've been trying to relax by writing, but I'm so apprehensive about my date! Much of my time spent ignoring my parents was filled with getting ready. I lathered my hair in products after straightening it with my mum's straightened. An excellent way to waste hours, by the way. Especially useful as an excuse not to talk to parents. I'm not sure where he's taking me, so I decided on fitted blue jeans, a dark brown tank top thing, and my favorite grey sweatshirt that zips up in the front. Do you think that'll be okay? Susan actually picked it out. She came over an hour or so ago and helped me get ready. Moral support, you know? Anyways, she painted my nails black and managed to persuade me into putting on some make-up junk. You know, just some sparkling silver stuff and shiny lip gloss and mas – Oh my gosh! He's here!
Wow. So, tonight was… well, a lot of fun. I was really nervous at first, especially when he took me to a dance club. I'd never been to one. I mean, there was the Yule Ball, but that's as far as my dancing experience goes. Or did go, before tonight. It was very loud. And crowded. But Stephen seemed familiar and at home with the crowds, so he managed to get us through. We spent most of the night dancing, even though I was embarrassed to try and dance like everyone else was at first. But it felt so freeing. I was able to do whatever I wanted on that dance floor. It was neat. And very, very different. Stephen's a really good dancer. Oh, and he told me he liked my hair. And, he asked me if I wanted to go dancing with him again tomorrow! I told him yes, of course. I can't wait to tell Susan, but it's rather late right now, so I'll call her in the morning.
29 June 1996
Okay, so, start in the morning, Hermione. Yes, that's right. Well, Mum and Dad didn't work today. But I'm still mad at them so I went over to Susan's house and spent most of my Saturday over there. We talked about my date and watched a movie on her VCR and took Susan's younger brothers to the park. We talked about books as Sammy and Zachary played for hours.
When we got back to my house, Susan insisted on picking my outfit again. But evidently, my stuff wasn't good enough for her, because she dragged me across the street to her house. I refused to let her put me into one of her obscenely small skirts or extremely revealing tops, but somehow she did manage to get me into tan leather pants and a red halter top. It felt very strange, but Stephen seemed to like it. We went to that club again. It feels so good to let myself go; I've never done that before. I had a fabulous time. Especially since, well, when we got back to my house, Stephen kissed me. I know it's not like it was my first kiss or anything, and it wasn't amazing or fireworks or violins, but still. I think I can safely say I have good dreams in store for tonight.
30 June 1996
My parents are upset. They're 'worried' about my behavior. Not talking to them, dressing strange, going out at night. They got even more angry when I ignored them again, yelling at me about how I wasn't acting myself. Then the yelling match began. Ending with me storming off to my room and climbing out my window. I listened to them talking to each other in the living room. Mum's upset and Dad was trying to comfort her. They think something's wrong with me. Can't they see I'm just mad that they won't let me see my friends?
Which reminds me. Before the entire explosion with my parents, I got a letter from Harry and Ron. This morning, I woke up with Hedwig waiting at my bedside, two letters attached to her leg. Evidently, Ginny monopolized the use of Pig for her letters to Dean. That leaves only Hedwig for Harry and Ron and I to communicate with. However, Harry found a way for it to work: he sent Hedwig with a letter for Ron and one for me to the Burrow, then Ron attached a letter to me and one back to Harry for Hedwig to bring to my house. See, a triangle of correspondence.
Well, Harry is bored out of his mind with his aunt and uncle. Ron claims that his household is constantly on edge, members of the Order frequently passing through the unofficial new Headquarters. I wrote them both about the generally boring events of my summer so far, informing them that I wouldn't be able to go to the Burrow. Of course, I didn't really tell them specifics about my friends and made it seem like it was my preferred choice to spend time with my parents.
However, getting back to me leaving my house after arguing with Mum and Dad. So, I started walking along the street and found myself heading towards Susan's house. Her dad let me inside and Susan and I retreated to her bedroom. I told her what happened and we talked for a while. Then, I thought up the perfect solution. It was easy to convince Susan to go out dancing with me. We had a great time dressing up; we picked out each other's outfits, so when she pulled out an eight inch long black skirt with two inch slits up the side, a sleeveless button-up white shirt, and a dark green tie to complete the slutty school girl look, I gasped and retaliated with an emerald green strapless dress that tied up like a corset in the back and came halfway down her thigh. After blushing at the outrageously not-us clothing, she gushed over the matching colors. (Oh, let me make a note that all these crazy clothes belong to Sharon, Susan's older sister. She left for New York for the summer and left behind most of her smaller 'clubbing clothes.' Susan's mom works in the fashion design industry, so she doesn't mind. Susan's dad is slightly uncomfortable with his daughter going out in so little clothing, but it's not a habitual practice and his wife always convinces him its okay. My parents have no idea, which is definitely a good thing since they would both have heart attacks). Then she pulled out Sharon's make-up kits. I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable when I got changed into the outfit Susan chose for me. The skirt was incredibly short and there was at least an inch between the top of my skirt and the hem of my shirt. But then I figured, hey, I was going out with a girlfriend, not some guy or anything. And it was only one night. And I was mad at my parents, who evidently thought I was a 'bad girl' anyway. And I wanted to have some fun. So I laughed when Susan dug out some long green stockings and two pairs of black heels: a strappy set for her and a closed-toe pair for me. When we looked in the mirror thirty minutes later, our eyes were outlined with black with dark grey and dark green glittery eye shadow, though her deep scarlet lips contrasted with my bubblegum-pink. Oh, Susan also sprayed some sparkly stuff on her arms and chest and back which, fortunately, I managed to avoid. Overall, we looked rather good. At least, in my opinion we did. Since neither of us drive nor own a car, we asked Susan's mum to take us to the club. After reviewing and praising our attire, she agreed. As much as I enjoyed dancing with Stephen, dancing with Susan was much more fun. We got to do whatever we wanted, completely comfortable acting practically daft out on the floor. And, because we didn't come with a guy, we ended up dancing in many groups and with multiple guys. Sometimes I would feel slightly uncomfortable when one would put his hands on me, but Susan was okay dancing extremely close to these other two guys and they both had their hands running all over her. Besides, I figured my parents wouldn't like it. Okay, and it did feel rather good.
Overall, Susan and I had a magnificent time. We walked home chatting and giggling about the night. She wants to go again tomorrow night.
4 July 1996
Sorry I haven't been writing. Susan and I have been to the club every night this week. My parents look worried whenever I see them, but I don't care. Besides, they've been gone at the office every day this week and I haven't spoken one word to them since Sunday.
Our trips to the club have lasted longer and longer, and I guess today is technically the fifth. But that doesn't really bother me. Well, kind of, but not really. I mean, after all, we have a lot of fun dancing.
I haven't heard from Stephen since Saturday though. In a way, I'm glad of it; these nights I've spent with Susan have really changed me. You know, I haven't even pulled out my school work yet. I'll have to get to that tomorrow. Or maybe Saturday. But on the other hand, I really wish that just once a one-on-one relationship would work out for me.
Maybe I'm just not meant to find love.
5 July
I… I don't know what to do. I didn't, I didn't know. I mean, what was I supposed to do? Then again, I'm supposed to know everything, aren't I? I'm Hermione Granger! Know-it-all of Hogwarts School! And a witch to boot! I should have known, I should have realized. I couldn't stop him, I didn't have my wand. I didn't know what to do. But I should've… Oh, why did I dress like that! It's disgusting, that's what it is. Revolting, horrible, slutty. Slut, that's what he called me. He said he'd seen me dancing with all those guys every night. That's why he didn't call. He asked if… if my outfit, the one I've been wearing to go out dancing with Susan, the one I was wearing tonight, he asked if it was my school uniform. If I was nothing but a whore. He said horrible, horrible things. I thought he was nice, I thought he liked me. I guess I was wrong. I guess I'm not likable. Maybe I really do act like he said. Like a slut and a whore. Dressing in practically nothing, dancing provocatively on the dance floor with so many other guys. I can't believe I did that.
When I saw him at the club, you know I was actually excited? And when he came over – oh, gosh! He's right! – I started dancing real close to him. What a terrible person I am! And I thought, I thought he liked it. He kissed me on the dance floor. I was glad of it. It was more aggressive than the first one. That one was practically friendly in its lack of emotion. But I, I liked his aggressiveness. God, how masochistic of me! When did I become this, this thing? I suppose I deserved it, like he said. I'm dirty, filthy, worthless.
He pulled me out to the alley behind the club, and I went willingly. Willingly! Like some slut. All over him. I didn't realize how angry he was until he pushed me into the wall. I guess I should have known. His eyes were so dark. He started yelling at me. Saying horrible things. I protested at first, but he hit me. He hit me a lot. And yelled. And tore at my clothes. Not that I was wearing much, because I'm a slut. A worthless whore. He told me I probably wanted it, it was probably why I went out with him in the first place. I was crying, but he didn't stop. He kept hurting me. And touching me. I didn't like it, but I couldn't make him stop. I didn't have my wand, I didn't know what to do. So I did nothing. I cried. After he left, I cried some more. It was a good while later that I finally got up. I didn't want to go back inside the club. Where everyone was happy and dancing. Where Susan was having a good time. I didn't want people to look at me. I was covered in dirt, my white shirt torn and browned, my stockings caked in mud from the alley and lined with holes, my skirt ripped up further at the slits. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't call my parents. I couldn't tell Susan. I walked to Will's house. I know he's with Michelle and he and I have that messy history, but we used to be best friends. I knew he would help me. And I was right. His mom works the graveyard shift at the hospital, so no one else was there when he opened the door. He asked what was wrong and I burst out crying. I collapsed on his front porch and I cried. He held me, as I was dressed in scraps and completely filthy, and I cried.
He didn't press anything, but he let me clean up in his bathroom. He gave me a pair of his old sweats and one of his worn over shirts to wear. I'm not sure what he did with Sharon's clothes. Probably threw them away. I hope so. Will, he's so good to me. Despite everything, he walked me home. And I never even spoke to him. I just cried.
6 July
Mum and Dad spilled their other news today. They're worried about everything that's happening in England. I guess some bridge collapsed or something. So we're going to stay in Nice for a while. With Aunt Juliana. We're leaving tomorrow.
I'm glad of it.