Title: The World You Love
Category: TV Shows » Castle
Author: caskettinacastle
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T
Genre: Drama

Chapter 2: Times Like These

Disclaimer: Castle belongs to Andrew Marlowe. This is just me writing for the heck of it. (I'm not making any profit from it. I promise!)

Spoilers: Through part of Season 4

Rating: (Not really sure what its going to be. For now, I'll rate it T!)

A/N: Okay, so here is the next update. I'm sorry it took me so long to post this, but it took me a while to write it. I had a hard time discerning what Martha and Alexis' reactions would be. I kind of did it in two stages. There's the initial shock, and then the emotional follow up. Read it and you'll see what I mean. I really hope that you like it.

Upon arriving back at the loft, Castle promptly sequestered himself in his office, shutting and locking the door behind him. At that moment, he wasn't sure if he could bear to face anyone else. It seemed like he had carried enough on his shoulders lately. This was just too much. There were a lot of things he had to face, but he knew that he needed to gather himself first. He needed to put some of the pieces back together so that he hold himself together enough to tell Alexis and his mother without making a dramatic scene. Once it was over, he could let the pieces break apart again. On trembling legs, Castle slowly walked across his office, teetering slightly. He walked around his beautifully crafted writer's desk and sank into the chair behind it with a deep exhalation. He sat for a minute, staring at his dark computer screen. It wasn't until his phone buzzed in his pocket that Castle came back to life. Without any more pause, Castle brought his finger to the power button with the goal of booting up his computer. It came to life with a chipper chime, and he watched the screen flicker from black to white and then back again before it finally took. He needed to know what he was facing. He needed to find something that gave him hope.

As Castle waited for his computer to boot up, Castle grew impatient. Fingers drummed on the desk in irritation as his eyes strayed from the computer screen, doing a quick once over of the place he knew to be his sanctuary. Perhaps it was foolish to think so, but Castle truly felt as if nothing could touch him here. Without fail, his office was the one place he could think. It was also the one place that he could fall back to if he needed a place to hide and wallow in self-misery. He always found an immense sense of comfort amongst his books. This was the place he'd made his own over the years. The large collection of photographs dotting the wall all meant something important to him. They both documented his success and his failures, while reminding him of the kind of person he was. His photographs showed the transition he'd made from a young author to becoming a New York Times Bestseller.

Castle swallowed thickly as his eyes landed on one of the pictures from his college graduation ceremony. He had been so young then, so naïve. He'd gone out into the big wide world with all sorts of expectations, and he'd gotten one hell of a wake up call. He still had the countless rejection letters that he'd gotten back from publisher's, all of which he'd used for constructive criticism. Some of the letters were actually quite pleasant. They all skirted around things that they felt Castle needed to do with his writing, without sounding cold and harsh. Some letters, however, were more direct, and clearly had no qualms about telling him why they weren't interested. To say that it hadn't been disheartening would be lie. In fact, it was quite hard to persevere. But Castle had stuck it out. He kept writing, editing, and trying to improve on his work. The more rejections he got, the more he was determined to prove them wrong. And guess what? He did… Castle held back a chuckle as he thought about his enthusiasm for writing back then. It had been no easy feat, finding a publisher to print his first book, but once it landed on the prestigious best seller's list, everything had just fallen into place.

'You can do this,' the words sounded silently in his head. He could hear, even feel the determination in them. He'd been in rough positions before, but none were ever quite this scary. Even at times where he was sure he was going to die, he didn't fear it, mainly because he'd never really had time to contemplate his own ending. Now he did.

The real reason the idea of him having a life-threatening illness was so unbelievably scary was because it was so utterly and completely out of his control. His mother had once told him, that he had gotten through most of life on his wit, charm and talent, but that he couldn't charm his way out of a bullet.' That's just it. Castle knew he had no control over this. He couldn't rewrite the ending, whatever it might be. That was what scared him the most. His fate was in God's hands now, and in the hands of his doctors.

Inevitably, his eyes came back to the desk in front of him and onto the few treasured photographs he always kept within arms reach. It was these photographs that he felt really served as a testament to who he was, as a son, a father, a friend. Castle felt a swell of emotions as one photograph, in particular, drew his gaze. His breathing became labored, inconstant as he picked up the photograph. He cradled it in his shaking hand. He didn't know why, but this time, he couldn't fight the tears. His eyes started to burn as he ran his fingers over it. His vision blurred as tears filled his eyes and spilled over with a blink of his eyes. The photograph had been taken nearly a year ago.

Castle shook his head in wonder. A year? Had it really been a whole year since Alexis had graduated from High School and went off to college? It was hard to fathom such a thing, but there was no denying it. The last year had flown by. Castle had kept himself busy, of course. He'd buried himself in work; frequently shadowing Kate at the precinct, and writing another book on the side. In some ways it was like having two full time jobs, but he didn't mind it. In fact, it was one of his greatest coping mechanisms. It had been hard to let his little girl travel off to Columbia. Yet, he knew that no matter how much time he had to prepare himself for the moment he'd had to let her go, he would never be ready. No parent was ever really ready.

A sob nearly broke through as he thought about it. It wasn't fair. Castle ran his finger gently over the glass. Through the sheen of his tears, he stared at the smiling people in the photograph. His heart constricted as he realized how very much like a family they all looked. He'd remembered corralling a stranger to take the photograph of him, his mother, Alexis, and Kate. On the far left, Kate leant inwards with Castle's left arm wrapped around her shoulders. Castle's right was wrapped tightly around a beaming Alexis, who in turn had her arm wrapped around Martha, who completed the group on the far right. The photograph was one of Castle's favorites because of so many reasons, the main of which was that they looked like a true family. Family. They were a family. Castle was surprised as a small bead of water dripped from his chin and landed on the glass below. He reached up to his cheeks with his free hand and discovered moisture. He didn't usually cry, not like this, but he couldn't bring himself to stop. God, Alexis looked so beautiful in her dress, and he still remembered feeling as if he might burst with pride that day… Was he going to be around for her college graduation? Would he be around to walk her down the aisle at her wedding? Those questions that kept popping up in his head only had his shoulders shaking that much harder.

Castle set the picture down on his desk and buried his face in his hands for a long moment. 'Easy. Easy there, Rick,' he tried to tell himself, 'You're getting way ahead of yourself. You have to stay positive…' His phone started buzzing incessantly again, and Castle pulled it out to look at the display.

Over the course of the last year, Kate had become someone he knew he could count on for comfort. When he missed Alexis to the point of extreme loneliness, Kate was there to remind him that he wasn't alone. They had movie nights and countless dinners. It seemed like she always knew just how to cheer him up. He was so grateful for her. For him, life with Kate Beckett was about as perfect as he was ever going to get.

There had been rare moments over the course of the last year where they'd shown affection toward one another. Still, their relationship leaned more towards friendship than anything else. There were times that they had gone out on pseudo-dates, but they'd never committed themselves to one another exclusively. Even after a year, Castle and Beckett were still working diligently on taking down the walls that separated them brick by brick.

Castle opened the browser, and typed in three words that still sounded so foreign to him. Due to his experience as a writer, which required him to do extensive research for all of his novels, Castle knew exactly where to look for appropriate sources. He knew that it would be hard to read about what he would be going through, but he needed answers. He needed to know his chances.

Castle couldn't seem to breathe as he typed in his diagnosis into one of the most reliable medical databases that he used for medical research, whenever his books required it, and completed the search. He sifted through information slowly, deciding to read through it all a bit more carefully than he did typically. He was used to speed-reading, but this was different.

He swallowed, his fingers freezing over the track-pad of his laptop computer. It hadn't occurred to him that there were other factors that would determine his prognosis. There were things that he didn't know yet, and that made it impossible to know what lay in store for him. However, at the very least he could view the overall picture. He spent hours sifting through information about the disease, and the typical treatments. What he found was encouraging. There were eight main subtypes of AML. The cure rate for people with Leukemia that were under 60 was fairly promising. It was about 70-80%. Still, Castle knew there would be a rough road ahead, and he doubted that Alexis and Martha would find the numbers very comforting. None of them would be okay, at least, not until he beat it completely, and they were able to put it all behind them. Castle let out a sigh as he cleared his computer's browsing history, and started to pace in his office.

One look at his face and Alexis would know something was wrong. He could deny it, of course, but as his daughter, she would know better. He had forced Kate to concede, and she hadn't had the right to push him any further because she had no 'official' claim on him. Alexis had more of a right to demand the truth.

Finally, after contemplating several different ways in which to tell them, he decided to do it over dinner. He'd make Alexis' favorite. He only hoped that cooking would temporarily take his mind off of everything.

He found Alexis on the couch, curled up with her legs bent to the side. Castle smiled, hoping that his expression was normal and that he didn't give anything away.

"How's the book?" Castle asked as he sat down next to her and ruffled her hair affectionately.

"Dad!" she whined as she ran her fingers through her hair, trying to fix any of the damage that Castle had just done. He chuckled and leaned forwards to place a kiss on her cheek. "It's good," Alexis smiled as she peered over the book at him, touched by the affectionate gesture.

"So," Castle swallowed letting his hands fall into his lap as he sat down next to her, "I was thinking that I'd make your favorite for dinner tonight. How does that sound?"

"Oh," Alexis' smile faltered and she set down her book in her lap. "Well, I… I kind of already made plans to have dinner with Derek. We haven't seen eachother in nearly a month now, and he's in town. I really..."

"Miss him," Castle finished for her. Castle swallowed and cleared his throat, shifting so that he was facing Alexis directly. "Not that I mean to crash your date, but I really need you to stay for dinner tonight. There's something important that I need to tell you."

"Dad," He could see her eyes flash in annoyance. "Why can't you tell me right now?"

"Because I need to tell you and mother, together," Castle grunted in frustration. "Derek will still be here tomorrow, won't he? So you can reschedule. I'll even make reservations for you at your favorite place, and pay for the meal."

"Even though it's outrageously expensive?" Alexis asked sheepishly. Castle nodded.

"Okay," Alexis sighed, "Fine. I'll stay for dinner, but I hope that whatever it is that you need to tell me is good, or I'm going to feel cheated." Castle's throat suddenly grew very dry, and he gulped down a swallow of air, nearly choking on it. Alexis didn't seem to notice his heartbeat falter in his chest. "I'm going to call Derek and tell him that I can't make it tonight," Alexis announced as she snapped her book shut and set it down next to her on the couch. He watched as she righted her legs, stood, and started walking for the stairs.

Castle let out a sigh of relief as he dropped his head into his hands. It took a minute for his breathing and heartrate to return to normal. Castle jumped as another voice filled the air around him.

"You all right, kiddo?" his mother's concerned tone echoed through the living room.

"Yeah," he forced out as he straightened up into a sitting position. He stood slowly. "Fine. I'm uh… I'm going to go and start dinner," he spoke as he crossed the room. "You'll be here for dinner, won't you?"

"Yeah," Martha replied. "You need help with the food?"

"No," Castle replied all too quickly. "It's okay. I...I've got it on my own." The next couple of hours passed in a blur. He listened to music while he cooked, letting it calm him. It took a lot of coordination to time everything just right, but he managed not to burn anything. He worked methodically, while intermittently setting the table. Finally, he was putting the finishing touches on the meal when Alexis came bounding into the kitchen.

"It smells really good," she smiled encouragingly. "Thanks for this, Dad."

"Anything for you, pumpkin," Castle replied, feeling as if he might start to cry again at any moment. Castle's throat started to burn, and he forced himself to swallow and look away. He needed and escape, and so he quickly grabbed the main dish off of the counter and made a mad dash for the table. Alexis brought in the side dishes and set them on the table.

"Mother!" Castle called, "Dinner's ready!" There was a brief pause before the red-haired gem strolled into the room with a glass of wine. They all sat down, gave thanks for the foor, and started to eat. Castle held off on the conversation, making small talk as he asked his mother and Alexis about their day. It worked for a while, but even so, it only worked for so long. Eventually, Alexis asked the question he had been dreading.

"So," Alexis cleared her throat, deciding to broach the topic as the silence hanging over the dinner table became too much to handle, "What is it that you wanted to talk about?" Castle was too busy jabbing his potatoes with his fork to realize that Alexis was talking to him. "Dad?" Castle jumped to life, his eyes darting around as his mother reached over to squeeze his arm.

"What?" he breathed distractedly. As his eyes met the inquisitive blue eyes of his daughter, it was then and only then that he realized he'd been addressed at all. "Oh, I'm sorry. I was thinking. What did you say?"

"I was just wondering what on earth you wanted to tell us that was so important that I needed to cancel my dinner date with Derek tonight," Alexis said softly. "I mean… Did you and Kate finally make things official, or something?" Castle swallowed thickly, not sure if he trusted his voice. He only wished that were the case.

"No," Castle replied. "She's still not ready for that." Alexis frowned, seeing the lines in Castle's forehead. Something was upsetting him.

"Dad, what's wrong?" Alexis was genuinely concerned now. She was worried that she'd upset him somehow, and now all she wanted was to ease his pain.

"I…" Castle set down his fork, holding Alexis' gaze for a long moment. He was attempting to gauge her mindset. "Okay, well, it's not exactly good news… In fact, I umm… I'm not really sure what to say or how to say it. I just wanted you two to be the first to know." Alexis and his mother stared back at him expectantly. He could see that they were both waiting for him to get on with it. From the looks on their faces, they had no idea what was about to be dropped on them.

"I…" Castle choked out, his voice sounding incredibly unlike his own. Castle's jaw clenched, locking down as he struggled for the words. He shut his eyes for a long moment and took a deep quavering breath. Finally, he opened his eyes, facing reality once more. Silence built for a long moment, until finally, Castle took one final breath and the words came pouring out as he exhaled. "I have cancer." He was prepared for raised voices, for tears, not silence. Silence. Utter and complete silence. It was tortuous. "I..I have Acute Myelogenous Leukemia." He could feel Alexis' eyes boring into him, but she didn't say a word. Her jaw fell open, almost as if she were going to say something, but nothing came out. Alexis' eyes broke away, instead settling for staring down into the tablecloth. It was Martha who found her voice first.

"W-When," her voice broke. "When did you find out?"

"Today," Castle managed to choke out. "This afternoon to be exact."

"I… I thought that you said that everything was fine," Martha sounded upset, betrayed, and confused. "You told me that everything was fine."

"I…I know I did, mother," Castle spoke calmly, while meeting her eyes. He could only hope she could see how sorry he was. "And I'm sorry, but I just didn't want to worry you."

"Worry me!" Martha bit out incredulously. "Don't you think that I should have been worried? Richard, you have cancer!"

"It was just the blood work that was cause for concern," Castle argued. "Doctor Reynolds assured me that it was a common occurrence. I went for a bone marrow biopsy, thinking that it was just another routine procedure. I never even realized just how serious things were. If I had, then I would have told you. Mother, I'm so sorry." Castle flinched as his mother raised her hands to her face, her body starting to shake. "Mother…" For a long moment, his mother wouldn't acknowledge him, but when she finally managed to calm dow a bit, she dropped her hands, and looked him in the eyes.

"I...I'm sorry," she tried to apologize. "I just... you're too young. You're my wonderful, perfect boy... This isn't right. It can't be."

"Mother," Castle was having a hard time not breaking down himself.

"How bad is it?"

"I… I don't know yet," Castle, admitted, "I have an appointment with a hematologist tomorrow." He swallowed thickly. "I guess that they need to run more tests." Castle raked a hand over his face. "I tried to do some online research. Only, it's hard to know what the prognosis is until we get more details first."

"What about treatment? Can it be treated?" Castle was surprised to hear Alexis' meek voice.

"Yeah. It can be treated, even cured. I guess that chemotherapy is the usual treatment," Castle replied. "There are usually two rounds, induction and consolidation chemotherapy. Induction chemotherapy usually brings about remission in 70-80% of patients. Some relapse."

Castle watched as Alexis stared down into her plate. She slowly shoveled food around her plate. Before, she had been eating, now she wasn't touching her food. Castle watched as Alexis dropped her fork and pushed back her plate, looking quite pale.

"Can I be excused?" Alexis asked finally, without looking at Castle. She didn't think she could bear to look at him in that moment. She was barely holding herself together as it was.

"Pumpkin," Castle tried, "Don't you think that we should really talk about this?" He was still hoping that they could comfort each other. He wanted more than anything to reassure her that it would all be fine, because he knew what she must be thinking in that moment. He knew exactly what she was thinking, because deep down, he was feeling the exact same way. Without pause, Alexis was pushing back her seat and running from the table before he could even finish his question.

Castle's head dropped into his hands, a pained breath falling from his lips.

"This is not exactly how I planned for this conversation to go," Castle murmured finally.

"I think it's safe to say that this is just something you can't prepare for," his mother's voice was meant to be soothing. "Just give her a minute to calm down."

"Mother," Castle's broken voice filled the room, "She can't... My own daughter can't even look at me right now."

"Try to imagine what she must be feeling right now," his mother spoke wisely. "Give her a minute and then go talk to her." Castle nodded, not lifting his head. "Show her there's no reason to be afraid."

"Believe me when I say that I want to just gather her in my arms and tell her that it's all going to be okay," Castle swallowed, "But what if… what if that's not my promise to make?"

"We're going to get through this," Martha spoke with conviction. "Richard, whatever happens… We're a family. We're going to make it through this together. No matter what."

"Mo-Mother," Castle's voice broke. His shoulders shook with suppressed sobs and he felt a warm pair of arms wrap around him. He buried his face in her shoulder. His other words were left unspoken. He wanted to say, 'I'm scared,' but his pride wouldn't let him do it.

"I know," she breathed, seemingly reading his thoughts. "I know. Me too." Castle took a couple of calming breaths and let go. "I love you," she spoke honestly as she met his eyes.

"I do too," he managed a weak smile. "I should…"

"Yeah," Martha replied glancing towards the stairs Alexis had used when she fled. "I'll be up in a little bit." Castle nodded, grateful his mother seemed to know what to do.

Slowly he ascended the stairs, one by one. It felt like he was scaling a mountain, but he made it to the top nonetheless. He padded down the hallway, his heart clenching painfully as he heard the muffled sobs coming from Alexis' bedroom. He paused just outside, leaning against the wall for support. He closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath, as he braced himself for the next few minutes. Somehow, he had to keep himself together. He never imagined he would be in this situation. As a father he wanted nothing more than to shield her from all of it, just as he did with all of the horrors of life, but he knew that this time things were simply out of his control. He needed to be strong for her, but more importantly he needed to show her that he wasn't afraid.

He knocked on the door, expecting her to tell him to just go away. But Alexis didn't even try turning him away. She needed him. Castle took a deep breath and slowly eased open the door. A pained gasp escaped his lips as he saw Alexis curled up on the bed, her head buried in the pillows. Her body shook with violent broken sobs, and it pulled at his heart in the most agonizing way. It killed him to see her hurting so badly. On shaking legs, Castle walked over and eased himself down onto the bed. He brushed several stray tendrils of hair behind Alexis' ear. Her shoulders started to shake harder as she looked up to meet his eyes. Castle's next actions were instinctive. He quickly gathered Alexis in his arms, holding her tight against him.

"Shh," Castle whispered as he ran his fingers through her hair in a soothing, but slightly repetitive manner that he knew would calm her. "It's okay... It's going to be okay."

"You don't know that! You can't... You can't promise me that," Alexis choked out brokenly, while reaching out for him. Her body was still shaking violently with her cries. She fisted the fabric of his shirt in a vice grip of her hand, just as she did when she was a young girl. It was her way to ensure that he couldn't leave her. Of course, Castle had no intention of leaving her alone. He needed the comfort just as surely as Alexis did. Castle kissed the top of her head.

"I know," he conceded, "I know I can't make any promises, but I have to believe that it's all going to be okay. I'm going to see one of the best doctors in the entire country tomorrow, and we're going to come up with a plan." Alexis nodded. She pulled back slightly so that she could look at him as he continued. "I love you, pumpkin. God, I love you so much," he said with a certain conviction, "We're going to get through this. We will." Castle tried to keep his voice even when he said. "I'm not going to leave you. Not if I have anything to say about it. In fact, I'm going to stick around for a very very long time. And I'm betting that there are going to be times in the distant future when you will almost wish that I'd leave you the heck alone."

"Never," Alexis breathed with equal conviction, as she held him tighter. "I will never get sick of you. I love you, Dad." Castle chuckled softly.

"You say that now, but you will," Castle replied while thinking silently of his mother, "Trust me." Then he paused. "But I hope I can make it worth your while."

"Will you… stay with me tonight?" Alexis pleaded softly. "And just h-hold me?" Castle settled himself in her bed, offering her his arms. She made herself comfortable and scooted into his open arms, settling comfortably against his chest. "I want to go with you tomorrow."

"Are you sure?" Castle asked. "Sweetie, it might be kind of rough tomorrow. They want to do more tests."

"I don't care," Alexis breathed. "I'm not leaving you to do this by yourself." Castle closed his eyes. "H-Have you told Kate yet?" she asked, and Castle's eyes snapped open. His breathing became shallow, as he struggled to come up with an adequate response.

"No," he shook his head, "I... I wanted you and mother to be the first to know."

"Are you going to?" Alexis asked as she lifted her head to look into his eyes.

"I… I don't know," he sighed. "I've thought about it, but I just don't know…"

"Do you love her?" Alexis' eyes flashed. "I mean… you still do, don't you?"

"Of course I do," he replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, "But it's just not that simple."

"Then I think you're making things more complicated than they need to be," Alexis spoke wisely. "You need to tell her, Dad. She loves you. She loves you, and she deserves to know."

"Pumpkin…" Castle sighed dejectedly. "Let's not worry about that right now, okay?" Alexis let out a similar sigh, and snuggled up to his chest so that she could feel his heartbeat against her cheek. Her eyes fluttered closed as a comfortable silence filled the air around them. They both drew comfort from one another, until Alexis' cries faded into nothing. They were both extremely exhausted from the emotional ordeal and drifted off into sleep.

When Martha came to check on them later, her heart was warmed by the sight of them together. Both were dead to the world and for a moment, Martha felt as if it were all going to be okay. After all, they all had eachother and that had to count for something. She tip-toed carefully into the room, trying not to make a sound as she covered them with a large fleece blanket. With a pained heart, she placed a kiss to both of their foreheads, and brushed the hair from their eyes. Alexis didn't stir at all, but Castle stirred slightly, his eyes fluttering open briefly. Martha could tell that his eyelids were quite heavy, because they hardly opened.

"Go back to sleep," she whispered with another kiss to his forehead. "I'll wake you two up in the morning," she promised. Castle muttered a sleepy reply that sounded a lot to Martha like an 'I love you,' before falling back into sleep. Martha wiped away a few tears of her own before quietly padding from the room and heading back downstairs. It was going to be a long night.

A/N So that's it for now. Sorry if it's a bit depressing. Hopefully, you'll forgive me! I'm already well into chapter 3 and will continue working on it. Chapter 3 is mainly going to consist of the doctor's appointment, and a couple of other extras. Kate will make another appearance soon! I promise! Please hit the review button below and make sure to leave a little comment! I'm really not picky! Thanks again for reading!