Chapter 2
I wait with the rest of the Abnegation as the other factions leave the Hub. We are always the last to leave. I have never been to the Choosing Ceremony before because of my father, but it doesn't take an Erudite to figure out who leaves last. It's ironic that I am torn between two factions that could not be more opposite- Dauntless, who leave first, who are always loud, who have courage to do anything and say anything; and Abnegation, who leave last, are always quiet, and never say more than a sentence to one another. I'm torn between two halves of myself. But am I really brave? Am I really selfless? Perhaps I'm neither. Perhaps I don't belong in either of these factions. Maybe I should quit. Maybe I should become factionless. You can leave a faction, but you can't leave yourself. Even the factionless are not empty. No matter where you go, you will always have your personality and who you truly are. You can't escape it.
I snap out of my daze when I see the gray blobs of Abnegation move around stacking chairs and cleaning the bowls. This would be Abnegation's description of pandemonium, but it doesn't seem like anything more than people doing their job in an unorganized manner. In this "chaos", I creep out of the room and run down the stairs. I run out of the Hub and keep going until my lungs burn. I don't want to go back there, I don't want to be Abnegation. But it is who I am. It is what I chose. I chose the safety of familiar surroundings and left the freedom of being away from him. I feel a stifling pain in my chest and it isn't because of the run, it's because of fear. I fear being a coward. I fear being around my father. It is fear I have to overcome, and the only way to do that is to face my fear head-on.
I realize I am thinking like the Dauntless, if they ever think at all. It seems to me that they never think about anything, and that's why they're so fearless. I admire their bravery. Maybe I am made for Dauntless, but it doesn't matter now. I cannot change my decision, so I must learn to mould my bravery into selflessness. They both don't sound very different. Maybe I am in the right place. I start walking, but I don't know where I'm going. I just walk forward until I reach the end of the Abnegation sector. It's been long enough for someone to realize that I'm gone.
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"Where were you, Son? I was worried sick!" My father exclaims as I walk through the front door. It isn't with his usual malice, and that scares me. I stop in the middle of a footstep and see why his reaction was so placid- There are people sitting at our dining table. Not just any people, it's his co-worker and his family. Andrew Prior. I had no idea people were coming over for dinner.
"Sorry, Dad. I just.. I wasn't feeling very well. I cut too deep with the knife" I reply, as plainly as possible. He puts on his best worried look. If I didn't know his true intentions, I might believe that he's actually worried.
"Oh, Tobias! We must fix that immediately. Why don't you go upstairs and put some gauze on that and get some rest?" he replies.
"Tobias, why don't you come down after you fix your wound? We would surely like your presence at the table," says Andrew Prior, with a smile on his face. It's hard to believe that everyone else sees Marcus as a selfless and great leader. It almost makes me laugh. Marcus has an image in front of people- one he does not want to ruin- so he simply nods his head, but I can see him shooting daggers at me with his eyes.
I quickly walk up the stairs and go into the bathroom. My hand is covered with blood. I put it in the sink and run some water over it. Right after it touches my skin, it turns a dark shade of pink, and I think, this is what my blood would have looked like in Erudite water. I immediately see Erudite as another possibility. I could have gone to the faction that values knowledge above everything else. I am quite curious. I do wonder why people do things. But am I smart?
I realize that the blood has stopped flowing and I turn the tap off and wrap some gauze around my palm. I take my time as I walk down the stairs, and reach the dining table. I just stand behind an empty chair next to Andrew Prior's daughter. I don't quite remember her, but people in Abnegation are hardly ever remembered. Unless they're a leader.
Marcus clears his throat. "This is my son, Tobias," he says as he gestures towards me. I sit down, uneasily. I see Andrew Prior and Natalie Prior, his wife, smiling at me. I do not see it, but I sense confusion in their expression. They all want to know why, in sixteen years, this is practically the first time they're seeing me.
"Hello Tobias," says Andrew Prior," It's a delight to meet you. I am Andrew, this is my wife, Natalie, and these are my children, Beatrice and Caleb."
He tries to keep his introduction short; it is common Abnegation courtesy to never say much about yourself. I look at all four members carefully, first at Andrew, then at Natalie, then at Caleb, and lastly at Beatrice. Caleb and Beatrice are fourteen, if I remember correctly. They are typical Abnegation children- quiet, selfless and small. They still have two years to decide their future. I wish I could just have two more minutes, it would change my life. Caleb and Beatrice look shy and quiet, but I see something in them; uncertainty. Not particularly in Caleb, but Beatrice has an air of awkwardness around her. Maybe she's just always like that, or maybe she feels she doesn't fit in. I've never noticed it when I saw her on the street walking past the other Abnegation, bobbing her head in greeting. She wears loose gray clothes and her blonde hair is tied in the same way as every other Abnegation girl, but she looks as if she feels she doesn't fit in. I know because I often see the same in myself. I do not need a mirror to see it. I can feel it in the way I walk, the way I talk, the way I do stuff. I'm stiff. I'm scared that, if I don't do things correctly, everyone will see I'm not as selfless as I should be. That I'm flawed; showed to me through years of beating by Marcus.
The evening goes by quickly, with the adults talking a bit, and the children keeping quiet. I finish my food, wait for everyone else, take the dishes inside and wash them. Marcus says goodbye, and I quickly slip into my room and go to sleep before he has a chance to scold me.