Chapter 2

Cheaters Never Win

The next day, the Japanese Olympic officials served us to a huge feast, in celebration of our Olympic qualification. Even though we hadn't actually qualified for the Olympics, but I guess that's beside the point. There we all were, eating this huge meal, as supposed Olympians.

"This smoked cheese is megas good, nyoro?" Tsuruya asked me.

"Uh, I guess so," I replied, still keeping an eye out for Asakura, who was sitting to my left. Why did we have to be served steak? Now she has the knife she needs!

"Want some of my steak?" Asakura asked me.

"No thanks," I answered her. Like I'm going to put my life at risk by eating food touched by her!

"Listen up, everyone!" Haruhi shouted from the head of the table.

You don't need to tell us to listen if you're going to yell like that, Haruhi.

"The SOS Brigade and its ambassadors have one goal: to win the gold medal!" she announced. "Anything else will be a failure! That's why we're going to practice long and hard until we are sure that we'll wipe out every opponent!"

Well, there goes any chance of her being satisfied with us merely touching the ball at some point during the tournament. Does she really understand what the Olympics are all about?

"Excuse me," an official interrupted Haruhi. "Are you the coach of this team?"

"Yes I am," Haruhi replied, "and you'd better watch out because-"

"We seem to have a problem," the official continued. "It seems that we have contacted the actual Japanese soccer team, and they will be on their way to China to replace you impostors."

Finally, a man with some common sense, who realizes that the Japanese men's soccer team wouldn't include high-school girls.

"We're not giving up!" Haruhi screamed. "I challenge that team to a match! If we beat them, we deserve to play in the Olympics, not them!"

Oh, Haruhi, don't kid yourself. You actually think we could beat them?

"I'll have to talk this over with my colleagues," the official replied.

"Fine," Haruhi said. "We're going to beat that team and claim our spot as the real Olympians, right, Koizumi?"

Koizumi, in his usual annoying way, just shrugged his shoulders in response.

"So does this mean we're not going to play in the Olympics?" my sister asked me.

"I don't think we-" I started to say, before looking over at Haruhi. She had that angry look on her face, the one that I feared. For some reason I knew she was ready to rebut my response, so I quickly thought of a new answer.

"We'll see what the men say," I said, with Haruhi's face becoming a little less upset. At least I avoided her wrath, if momentarily.

That was when the Japanese Olympic officials came over to Haruhi.

"It has been decided that your team will play against the national team in a match three days from now," an official told her. "The result of that match will determine which team we select as our Olympic team."

"All right!" Haruhi responded. "We'll win this game for sure, right, Kyon?"

I simply sighed.

After a couple days of so-called practice under the direction of our fearless leader, Coach Suzumiya, we arrived at the practice field to the sound of boos. It appeared that not only the actual Japanese soccer team was there, but there were also a large number of fans, maybe 1,000, who were quite disappointed with the fact that we impostors were trying to steal away their Olympic dream.

"Big brother Kyon, why are they all mad at us?" my sister asked me.

"Soccer fans can be quite passionate for their favorite team," I explained in the only way I knew possible.

As Haruhi led us to our sideline, I began to think of all the embarrassing and/or bad moments that she had put me through. This would have to rank… oh, probably number two, right behind the time where I was forced to kiss her in order to save our universe.

"Okay, everyone, listen up!" Haruhi bellowed. "I will take care of the offense for our team. The rest of you stay back and play defense. And Kyon, you're our goalie, and you better not allow even one goal past you!"

It only figures. Haruhi comes up with a 1-10 formation for our team, which is the first time in the history of soccer that a team has gone with such a setup, and puts the one she loves to blame in the position that takes the most blame.

So we took the field, with our team wearing our normal clothes, and the real team wearing actual soccer uniforms. This might be the most lopsided game in the history of soccer.

But just as I had taken my place in front of our team's giant-sized net (at least from the way it looked to me), Miss Asakura walked over towards me. I braced myself for whatever attack she was preparing, but she simply whispered something in my ear.

"I'll take care of everything," were the words she gave me.

And with that, the game began, with the real soccer players advancing the ball quickly against our crack crew of impostors. In only a matter of seconds one of them had control of the ball and a clear attempt at a shot on goal, but all of a sudden, Asakura rushed in and stole the ball away from him. She then kicked it as hard as she could, and the ball made it all the way across the field, going out of bounds across the opposing team's goal line.

I couldn't help but think that if Asakura wanted to "take care of everything," like she promised, she would have kicked that one right into the opposing team's net. But then again, if she started cheating like Nagato did in our little baseball tournament, it would become plain and obvious to everyone in the stadium, and we'd get tested for steroids immediately.

After that, the Olympic team gained control of the ball and brought it back towards our end. I knew that once they advanced past nearly every member of our so-called defense, they would easily find a way to put the ball in the net, and I would have no way of stopping it. But instead, their strikers were unable to score. Their shots either barely missed the net or bounced off the goal posts. I was in no position to stop any of them, but yet I kept on getting extremely lucky, as shot after shot missed.

Then I saw Koizumi having a conversation with Taniguchi and Kanikida.

"What the heck are you doing, Koizumi?" I screamed, watching the ever-grating Koizumi talking with them about something useless.

Koizumi simply smiled and waved to me. I was ready to run out there and punch the agitator, but I had the job of masquerading as a goalkeeper. However, it seemed that the Olympic team had no intention of scoring, as they continued to push their kicks left, right or over the goal. And this went on for 45 minutes!

We headed to the sideline at the half, with the score still unbelievably tied at 0-0. Haruhi began giving Miss Asahina and Nagato a lecture on why our offense needed to get going, and while she did, I stepped right up to Koizumi to ask him what he was thinking by having his little conversation during the game.

"Don't you see?" he replied. "Miss Asakura is doing our job for us."

"What job?" I demanded. "She's only one of ten of you who's supposed to be playing on defense."

Koizumi was about to reply, but Haruhi marched right over to me to tell me something.

"Kyon, you're going to have to do without some of your defense!" she exclaimed. "Mikuru, Yuki and your sister are all joining me on an all-out aggressive attack on the opposing goal! I tried being nice to you in the first half and giving you some defensive help, but no more! You better keep the other team off the board!"

"I'll try my best," I responded.

Meanwhile I couldn't help but notice that the fans who had come to watch the actual Olympic team were getting restless, and the coach of the team was screaming at his players. Hey, buddy, you've still got 45 minutes for us to screw things up, as no doubt we will.

We trotted out onto the field for the second half, and Asakura gave me a sweet smile. I don't know if that's body language for "I'm going to kill you after the game," but whatever it is, I don't trust her.

And then I did my job again, pretending to be our team's goalie, while the opposing team missed and missed, in unbelievable fashion. The fans began booing louder and louder with each missed shot attempt. It was becoming surreal.

We gained our own scoring chance about 20 minutes into the second half, when a lucky bounce sent the ball to Haruhi. She charged toward the goal, then at the last second passed it to Nagato. Nagato, of course, stood there like a statue and allowed the ball to bounce off her knee, and it rolled to Miss Asahina. And just when I thought that she would be our hero, her shot attempt bounced off the right goal post and away from the goal, causing a fierce overreaction from Haruhi.

"Mikuru! That was an easy one! How could you not score there?" she screamed.

"I-I'm sorry," poor Asahina replied.

We did not get another scoring attempt for the rest of the second half. Instead I watched as shot after shot by the Olympic team whizzed by the net or bounced off one of the goal posts, causing loud groans and boos from the crowd. This went on for the rest of the half, until the referee blew his whistle and called for play to come to a halt.

"The game will now go to extra time," the referee announced.

The crowd let off a very loud barrage of boos, as the Olympic team walked off the field in shame. And somehow, there we were, still having not allowed a goal, even though I had not yet made a save.

The extra time was two 15-minute periods, but honestly I didn't understand why we even needed that much time. Even if somehow these Olympians had managed to beat the odds and fail to score for 90 minutes, scoring in the next 30 minutes shouldn't be that much of a chore.

But the extra time was just like regulation. Somehow, beyond any reasonable explanation, the Olympic team continued to fail to put the ball in the net, while I watched in a state of utter shock. I had seen enough crazy things occur since I met Haruhi to know that this had to be the doing of someone on our team, but if we were cheating, why weren't we scoring?

Both extra time periods went by without incident, or a goal being scored. The referee then announced that we would be headed for penalty kicks, and we would be having a coin toss in order to decide which team would kick first. Naturally, with Haruhi calling the toss, she won it.

"I don't know what would be better, to kick first or second," she told the referee. "Let me have that coin."

So in one of the most incomprehensible moments in the history of this world, Haruhi was tossing a coin to choose what she should do with the win of her previous coin toss.

"Heads," she said, seeing the second toss's result. "Okay, we'll kick second."

She then headed over to the rest of us on the sideline, ready to set the lineup. I made a quick mental prediction of who she'd have kick in the five-person shootout, and in what order, then listened to her tell us her choices. It'll be Haruhi, Koizumi, Nagato, Miss Asahina… then probably Tsuruya. Let's see.

"I'll kick first in the shootout," she announced.

Got that one right.

"Koizumi, you'll go second," she said.

Right again.

"Yuki, you'll be third," she added.

Yet again right.

"Mikuru, you'll kick after Yuki," she said.

This is too easy.

"And for our final kicker, I'll choose…" she began.

All I need is for her to pick Tsuruya and I'll have a perfect set of picks.

"Ryoko!" Haruhi exclaimed. "You'll be the final kicker for our team in the shootout!"

"Okay," Asakura responded.

Well, maybe I don't know everything about Haruhi, but four out of five isn't bad.

"And Kyon, if you allow a goal, you'll be kicked off the team forever!" Haruhi screamed at me.

That's a relief, because this team won't exist anymore after I allow a goal or more and send us packing.

"You won't allow a goal," Asakura whispered in my ear.

I better keep on my toes more often, because she just managed to sneak up to me without my noticing. Still, what does she mean by that?

"I've programmed the ball to not go in any net," she added.

So that's what happened! Asakura has been cheating for us this whole time, and that's why neither of our teams has scored a goal yet. But what good does it do us if no one scores? A bizarre way of cheating, if you ask me.

It was time for the shootout, and I made my way to my place in goal. I decided to test Asakura's theory as the first shooter was about to shoot, by simply yawning and standing still.

The kicker's shot went well off the mark, going incredibly wide right of the net. The crowd exploded into boos, and I really can't blame them. After all, it's not fair to sit at a game for multiple hours without knowing that the result is fixed by a cheating player.

Haruhi set up for her attempt, and she missed off the crossbar. It was no surprise to me, but she stomped off the field in a fury, as if somehow it was someone else's fault. And come to think of it, it is.

The second shooter for the Olympic team kicked the ball towards the net, but it bounced off the left post for another miss. Then there was Koizumi, simply tapping the ball with his foot, and it rolled about nine inches. He then shrugged his shoulders and walked off the field. You idiot, don't make it obvious that we're cheating.

Come to think of it, do I really want to play in the Olympics, if the Olympic officials are somehow delusionary and make us their team? We'll end up having to cheat our way to gold just to make Haruhi happy, and that's not something I feel all too good about.

Meanwhile, shooter after shooter missed, until the fifth shooter for the Olympic team. He put his shot on the ground, slowly rolling it towards the right side of the goal. It was easily stoppable for me, but I decided to allow it to keep on rolling. We didn't deserve to win if we were going to cheat.

But the ball started slowing down more and more, until it finally came to a stop, just millimeters from crossing the goal line. The referee waved it off, and the crowd erupted into more boos. And I simply sighed.

Out came our unsung hero, Ryoko Asakura, who smiled at me right before walking towards the ball. And I knew, with that smile, this ball was going in the net.

Sure enough, she kicked the ball, and it sailed perfectly into the upper-right-hand corner of the net. Haruhi led the charge of my teammates onto the field in celebration. They all mugged Asakura, while I watched from afar, still standing between the pipes.

"SOS! SOS! SOS!" Haruhi got the team to begin chanting.

The fans, meanwhile, joined in with the chant… "SOS! SOS! SOS!"

The Japanese Olympic soccer officials, who must have watched the match in total shock, began discussing something with the actual national team, then one of them walked out towards the middle of the field.

"The winning team – who seems to go by the name 'SOS' – will replace the losing team as our national team for the 2008 Olympics!" one of the officials announced.

The fans erupted in cheers, even as some of them began heckling the actual national team. And meanwhile, I just stood there, in stunned silence. I was now a member of an Olympic team, all thanks to Asakura's cheating. Oh, well, as long as Haruhi's happy, I guess.