Dear Dan,
It's been a year since I've seen you. I tried, I tried my hardest to keep up the channels, but what even are they without you? Just some lonely kid talking to strangers on the internet? People have been tweeting me, begging to post more videos, but I just can't take it. I see your name everywhere on my channel and it breaks my heart.
Every day I wake up and it's like it's all happened all over again. Like, something in me still doesn't want to understand that you aren't coming back. Something in me refuses to believe it. I was walking around the flat and I could've sworn I saw you turn around the corner. I felt my heart leap with joy for a moment and then it all came crashing down again. You're gone. And a huge part of me has gone along with you.
I put away the diary with the black designs and stained papers. It used to be Dan's. I found out after he died that he had been writing diary entries addressed to me in an attempt to express his feelings to me without actually telling me. I didn't feel right leaving the diary incomplete, lonely, abandoned. I didn't want it to be like me.
I thought back to when I found out, after I'd read the diary and received the flowers he sent. I had been ready to end it. Lying on the floor, I had been a puddle of pure sadness. I had no desire to move, to eat, even crying needed more effort than I was willing to put forth. Instead, I had laid there for hours, wondering if I could literally die of heartbreak. I knew it was possible, it was just a matter of time.
I didn't die, however; instead, I just lay in that miserable state for hours,eventually getting up as nighttime arrived. When it did, I crawled into Dan's bed and hugged his pillow and sweater to my chest. And since then, I'd slept there ever since.
It reminded me of the days when he'd go out of town for the weekend and I'd secretly sneak into his bedroom to sleep while he was gone.
But the bed no longer smelled like him as it used to. And memories of him were fading along with the scent. His face, his laugh, the softness of his hands, it was all becoming distant.
Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I looked up, startled to see that nothing was there. "Hello?" I stood up and turned on the light. I pulled the hood of Dan's sweater onto my head and tugged at the strings nervously. "Anyone there?"
"I'm sorry I left you." The voice comes as if out of nowhere.
"Dan?!" I stuttered, trying to make sense of what was going on. I blushed and pushed the hood off of my head.
"I've missed you, Phil."
I could make out the foggy outline of a familiar figure standing before me. I reached out a hand to touch him, make sure it was real, but my hand just went right through.
"Is it really you?" I asked. Despite what had happened moments earlier, I rushed over to where he was and attempted to embrace him. I sighed sadly, knowing that I would never be able to hug him again.
"I've gone crazy, haven't I." I said in anguish.
The image of Dan faded from view, leaving only the empty room and my pounding heart.
I went back to bed and pulled the covers over my head for the night.