It's still quite early when I jolt from my bed, but I know all remnants of sleep has already left. I wipe the beads of sweat from my forehead with a clammy hand and try to get a hold of my bearings. I notice that Prim and my mom are still asleep, so with a grim attempt, I try to slow my ragged breathing and calm my erratic heartbeat; not wanting to disturb their slumber. My hands find the bed sheet and fist into them as glimpses of my nightmare resurface. I shut my eyes and try to force my fear down as it threatens to engulf me when visions of Peeta being drowned, electrocuted, burned and fed off to mutts as consequence of my agreement to Coin flashes before me.
I know I should already take my leave before Prim or my mom awakens and find me in this state. With this thought, I take deep calming breaths and manage to find my strength or some semblance of it as I stand and make my way to the bathroom. After I close the door, I hastily splash water on my face, forcing my mind to register that I am awake, that those are just dreams. But once I rest my forehead on the mirror, the violent thoughts return with a vengeance as it grasps and chokes me. I know what is about to come so I clamp a hand over my mouth the same time the angry tears start to fall. I shudder and release a whimper as I sob in my hand. My knees give way and I fall to the cold tiles, the fight in me drained. Over my self-destructive state a single thought forms in my mind, that this is only the beginning. I give a silent cry as I realize the hardest form of suffering I have to face as the mockingjay: to endure, and I know that I must start now, as painful and crushing as it may feel, I must start now. I twist and try to stand, and somehow manage to get myself on all fours; I can feel my body trembling so I stay like this for a while, knowing that I'll just fall again if I push further. I try to think of encouraging thoughts and instantly the desire to protect Prim comes to mind. I grasp it and get myself to stand. However, it is only when Finnick's words come back to me, acting like a panacea that soothes and give me the strength to walk, albeit a little shaky and slow. I drag myself inside the shower and start to shed my clothes and once I turn it on I let the ice cold water cascade over my skin mercilessly and can only hope that it would be enough to drown my sorrows.
I have been in the cafeteria long enough before Gale finds me, huddled in the farthest corner in a pensive mood. I have just finished writing my conditions with Coin when he reaches me.
"Katniss" he says.
"What's up Gale"
"Nothing new, what's that?" he asks pointing to the paper on my hand as he sat down.
"Just a few of my conditions with Coin as the mockingjay."
"Oh so you've worked it out, may I?" he asks, reaching for the paper.
His hand is already on the roster even before I give my consent. But I do not mind, I'm still too disheartened by the day's events to bother. The first to greet me the moment I stepped out of our compartment this morning was Plutarch, babbling excitedly about a surprise for me as the mockingjay. At first I just tagged along to get it over with, knowing Plutarch he will find a way to drag me to see his surprise no matter how I try to evade it. But after descending a couple of stories and passing heavily guarded doors, my curiosity was piqued. I thought we were entering an arsenal of weaponry, since that would be the most befitting gift that will suit a soldier, and as much as I didn't want to rub it in, a high-ranked one. But nothing could have ever prepared me for the sight of my prep team, starving, gagged, bound and unconscious on the tiled floor. A heated argument ensued afterwards mainly between me and the guard assigned to the room, because even though I was too angry, I saw the shock that registered on the gamemaker's face as well as he took in the sight before him.
A snort from my right caught my attention and caused my previous thoughts to dissipate.
"Katniss, are you really sure these are the conditions you want to ask Coin in exchange for your agreement?"
"What's wrong with those?" I ask, my tone guarded and my temper still flaring.
"I know why you'd want absolution to be granted to Peeta, but why Johanna?"
"Why, do you prefer to have her killed Gale?"
"Oh right she can be an asset" Gale continued as he proceeded to scan the rest of my list unmindful of my rising tone.
"And who the hell is Annie Cresta?" he asked, meeting my eyes.
"She's Finnick's girlfriend." I answer, steel in my voice.
"The mad woman? Catnip I understand your desire to save Peeta and Johanna. But why'd you bother to save a crazy girl?"
"Because that crazy girl deserves to live Gale. "
"Hey don't be mad, I'm just stating the facts, besides crazy or not she's a victor. She's already lived a life of affluence, a hard-pressed privilege for most of us." Gale stated bitterness evident in his voice.
My hands are balled into fists even before Gale finishes his statement, my nails harshly biting into my palm, shaking on my sides. But I do not care, for it is all I can do not to slap my best friend. Growing up on the seams, I know Gale shared the same life I had before I became a victor, a life that was constantly hanging on a thin thread, with the dangers of hunger and poverty ever present on both ends. It is because of this that had brought Gale to become the acrimonious person that I know, but what surprises me is not his anger, rather who it is directed to. Before it was just always rightfully intended to the Capitol, but at this moment, it seems like he would personally give out death sentences with privileges of a person as the primary verdict.
So when I lash out at him, I do not give even the slightest attempt of masking my bitter tone "So basically, victors like me deserve to die, because we've earned it along with our wealth. Is that what you're trying to say Gale?"
"That's not what I meant Katniss." Gale snaps at me.
"Well that's what you're insinuating!" I retort bitingly.
"Look Katniss" Gale begins with a more subtle tone, clearly trying to placate me. "I don't mean it that way. I mean, of course I don't want you to die."
My eyes bulge at the harshness of his words, but I am more taken aback by the indifference he exudes as he talks to me.
"Well what about them? What difference do I have of them? Nothing Gale, because I am a victor just like them; so if you sentence them to death then you do me as well!"
"Well you're not like them Katniss"
"Well by all means, humor me" I bite back sardonically.
"You're not a freak like them"
"You think they're freaks?" I ask, my voice reaching an octave higher
"Aren't they?"
"No Gale they aren't! They only had the misfortune of being victors long enough to suffer the whims and caprices of the capitol and when they close their eyes at night they are tormented by the faces of those they killed or have been killed because of them; either way they are not freaks Gale just haunted. Like me." I answer, my voice quivering at the last part.
A part of me is thankful that Gale has the decency to lower his eyes after my tirade, but I refuse to succumb to the small flickering guilt that accompanies it, for I am still too angry and hurt at his insensitivity and when soldiers some to collect us for Coin's speech, I welcome the distraction and come with them all too willingly avoiding any furthermore chance of exchange with Gale.
Coin's back is to us when we arrive at the auditorium, having a discussion with Boggs. I approach them careful enough not to disturb their conversation and halt once I reached a respectable distance, but Bogg's cautious glance towards me alerts her of my presence. I do not mind though, for eavesdropping was not my purpose and I don't have any plans to be accused of one. Coin motions for Boggs to leave and I take it as a signal for me to proceed.
"Good morning soldier" Coin greets me customarily as she turns to face me, her perfect silver hair moving fluidly with the turn of her head.
"Good morning, I came to give this" I reply, trying to keep my tone neutral in order to give no hint of the havoc inside me as I hand her the small piece of folded paper.
Coin reaches out for it and unfolds it; I could see the slight disdain marring her features as she scans the list, obviously not pleased with my demands. But as she raises her eyes to meet mine her stoic mask is back on, leaving no single trace of the previous discomfort that crossed her face only a few seconds ago.
"I'm a bit lost, will you care to enlighten me soldier?"
"Pardon?"
"Your prep team has been harmed?" she asked. Her eyebrow cocking in impatience
"Well you held them hostage" I answer matter-of-factly
"Excuse me?"
"I saw them this morning, bound and gagged" I explain, trying to keep the accusation and offense out of my tone, for I know that with my current situation it is not advisable to raise an argument with this president.
I watched her purse her lips as she listened for my explanation, it wasn't until she raised her eyes to meet mine that she uttered a reply. "I assure you no such thing has happened."
"I saw it with my own eyes" I reply, unable to keep the edge off my voice. I see her pupils narrow into slits and brace myself for the outcome.
"Well then, I assure you that everything might have just been a product of miscommunication and will not happen again." She answered in a calculated voice.
"Then everything's alright?"
"Yes, just as it should be."
I can only nod as she gives her consent and immediately take my leave, the coldness of her voice creeping up on me. I make my way to the other side, too lost in my thoughts and unmindful of my surroundings. When a strong arm suddenly pulls me and whirls me around. Vile words are already at the tip of my tongue even before I see my assailant, but instantly sink down my throat once I get a view of who's before me.
Finnick Odair, with a playful smirk tugging at the corners of his lips, which I can only guess is due to my previous unease.
"Well good morning to you too Odair" I say smugly, crossing my arms in front of me.
"Aaaw, don't be so cross now"
"You couldn't call my name?" I try my best to maintain the disdain in my voice, but with his disheveled hair and camera-ready smile, for some unknown reason I find myself having a hard time trying.
To my astonishment however, Finnick seems unfazed by my dour mood as an abashed smile takes its place on his features while scratching the back of his head, "I did call you Katniss, three times but you were distracted and I knew I had to catch your attention immediately" he said cocking his head sideways.
I curiously switched my gaze to the direction he was pointing at and found myself staring at a pole. Would he not have grabbed me that instant, I knew then that I would have guaranteed myself a trip to the infirmary.
"Oh" I whisper "Thanks, I guess I owe you. Again" I manage with a small smile grazing my lips.
"No problem girl on fire" Finnick said, his voice apparently dropping an octave, whilst lessening the gap between us "You don't always have to think about me though, you just have to call my name and I'll make the fantasies a reality" he finished with a wink.
For some stupid reason I feel my cheeks heat up, thankfully I regain composure in the next instant and find the reason to slap his arm, "Shut up Odair, so where you headed?" I ask, hastily trying to change the subject.
"I was headed to see the president then I saw you. Of course, having a taste for alluring women, my choice then would be obvious as you know who my feet dragged me to." He said again, with a smirk on his face.
"Yeah right" I say rolling my eyes as an attempt to avert my gaze from his. I was never a girl who lathered herself with praises from other people, which is why I find myself speculating why a meaningless flattery from the capitol's playboy nonetheless would have me inwardly smiling.
"I wanted to talk to her about Annie" he said lightly, yet all play gone from his tone.
"Oh, what about her?" I asked, my eyes meeting his.
"Well I just wanted to assure her safety, whatever the outcome of this war will be. I know I'm not in the place to bargain with Coin but, well...Annie deserves it." He explained sighing.
"Oh don't worry about that I got her covered. I know it's not much though, but it's a good thing she was willing to compromise somehow."
I saw the relief that flooded his features, and I can't help but feel the satisfaction from my desire to protect the girl, even if it led to a disagreement with Gale.
"Thank you Katniss" he said with a small genuine smile, his eyes alight with gratitude.
"No problem, I guess we're even then" I smile back.
"Maybe, but if you'd like me to express how deeply moved I am, I can always show you." He muttered his smirk back in place and I can't help but notice the mischievous glint in his eyes that seem to draw me in.
"No thanks, verbal is enough" I answer dismissingly, trying to finish the conversation.
"Wow, very naughty, I never knew the girl on fire has a taste for oral" he said winking.
"Finnick!" I exclaim, my face even without looking, I'm sure resembles a tomato.
"What? I'm just saying, look I even made you scream already, to think that I'm fully clothed right now. That's a new record even for me girl on fire."
I can feel my eyes go wide as saucers, "Oh you are so dead Odair!"
Finnick playfully raises his hands in mock surrender as he turns to leave, laughing and I can't help but laugh too as I go to the other direction.