Chapter 2: That was then...

The pillow wasn't cooperating, in fact, the entire bed wasn't cooperating. Dean constantly felt things crawling or tickling, but he knew there was nothing there. The sheets looked clean; hence, they were clean. It was important to not let crazy ideas get into his head, because before you knew it you couldn't sleep in seedy motels ever again. So, there were no mites or bed bugs. He was sticking to that theory. There was a reward, because about ten minutes later he entered that curious state where you're neither sleeping nor fully awake. Soon he would be sleeping. Relaxed he started to drift off.

'I know you had sex with Anna,' Cas suddenly said, apropos of absolutely nothing. Dean sighed and turned the other way. His friend was still sitting there, not looking at him. It was stupid really, he should have told him he was trying to sleep, but being on the bed with his eyes closed in the middle of the night; he kind of thought that spoke for itself. Mistake, of course, because you always had to spell things out with Cas. In his state of general annoyance, it took Dean a few seconds to fully realise what Cas had said and then he sat up straight.

'How do you know that?'

Cas turned to face him and levelled one of those insanely intense stares at him. Those were unnerving. Not that he would admit just how much they freaked him out; he usually joked and laughed them off, but man, they were scary. Mostly because, it was like Cas was looking right through him. No, that wasn't right. When Cas looked at Dean like that it made him feel...well, dirty. There was a sexual component to it that was unsettling, but what was even more disturbing was that it felt as if Cas was reading his thoughts. His innermost fears and desires; if Dean had any beyond clowns and cheeseburgers. Rooting around in his mind must be plain boring.

'Anna told me,' Cas said, by way of an explanation. Didn't those guys have anything better to do than discuss his sex life? The angels were forever poking around in their lives as if they had any right to. It made Dean feel embarrassed for them. They were supposed to be good and holy and instead they just tried to kick-start apocalypses because they had daddy issues, betrayed each other every three seconds, and apparently sat around discussing the juicy details of the lives of the Winchester boys. That was unfair; Dean knew Anna wouldn't do that and Cas would definitely not do that.

'Wow. TMI, am I right?' Dean joked and added, after receiving a blank stare from Cas, 'Too much information?' Which it was, but Anna must have told him for a reason. He really should ask Cas why he was mentioning this now. How was this of vital importance at this hour? Why was Cas even here?

'What are you doing here?' Dean asked. Cas looked around, slightly puzzled again, because it was obvious what he was doing. With a sigh, Dean cut him off before he could say something dopy like that he was sitting on a chair.

'I mean, is there something urgent you need to tell me? Is Raphael going to come storming through that door? Have you found God? Was God mean to you?' he summed up. As the words left his mouth he wished he hadn't said them. He shouldn't mock God. Not because of the smiting and the wrath and the blasphemy, but because God was like a father to Cas. Now Cas looked slightly hurt and Dean was ashamed that he had been the one to slightly wound his feelings.

'No. Is this one of those times when you ask me why I'm here, but you're really telling me to go?' Cas asked with his eyes narrowed. Dean felt almost proud. Some day Cas would get the hang of those pesky emotions! Too bad that in this case he had guessed wrong.

'No, but I am trying to sleep, so...' Dean said and he lay down again. Cas resumed staring at his favourite damp spot on the wall. Perhaps Dean should adopt that strategy too. Something along the line of counting spots. Some of them were even shaped like sheep, if you didn't look too hard.

'Do you remember when we went to the brothel?' Cas asked and now Dean was really getting annoyed. He sighed loudly and sat up.

'Yes, like it was yesterday, because it was literally yesterday,' he snapped, but either Cas didn't notice the tone or he didn't know what the tone meant. Ah, hanging out with an angel; such fun times.

'There were only women there,' Cas elaborated and this clarification was as unnecessary as it was untrue. There had been other male customers there, but as far as their choices were concerned there were only women. Slowly, something started to dawn on Dean. Meanwhile, Cas looked at the floor, scratched his neck, and coughed. Basically, he did anything he humanly could to convey his unease.

'Oh,' Dean finally stammered and he honestly didn't know what to say to that. This was not a good time to talk about Dean having sex with Anna or about Cas' sexuality. Come to think of it, it would never be a good time to talk about Cas' sexuality. So, Cas was gay? Or bisexual? When Dean had asked him whether he wanted booze or women on what was possibly his last night on earth, Cas had thrown him that embarrassed, hesitating glance. He had interpreted it to mean that Cas was a virgin, which he was, but what if it had meant something else? Like, I'm not interested in women? Or not only in women?

This was the part where Dean felt he should say something, but nothing occurred to him. If Cas was uncomfortable then that was entirely Dean's fault. Dean was sure Cas knew a few things about sexuality, but if he felt awkward about admitting that he was not heterosexual then either Dean or Sam must have put it into his head that there was something wrong with that. They, and Bobby, were the only people Cas spend any time with. The Bible didn't hold much sway with angels, so that couldn't be it.

'You assumed I would be attracted to women, like you,' Cas said and he turned towards Dean, 'I don't understand this distinction that you make between men and women. Humans are always talking about how what's inside counts, yet they make a strange obligatory selection based on gender. Wouldn't it make more sense to decide to be attracted to and have sex with good people? Or intelligent people? Only humans could make such an irrational distinction.'

Rationally speaking, Castiel was right. However, humans did not behave rationally, not if they could avoid it. Attraction, like love, holds the dubious honour of being beyond explanation, so if he wanted rationality he should really look elsewhere. It wasn't Dean's fault that he had only ever been attracted to women. Nor was Cas to blame for his non-selection process; it was just how he rolled.

'We don't really decide who we're attracted to; we're born a certain way,' Dean explained. It was weird that he was not freaked out by this conversation. He felt like he was on the verge of being dragged into a debate over whether people were born with a set sexual orientation or whether it was a choice. Again, he was too tired and he felt it was too late for philosophical theorising, but he humoured Cas. This was evidently important to him.

'And how am I supposed to know what's inside a person? I've been given to understand that sex is about, aside from physical attraction, love and connection and trust and respect. How can I share that with someone I do not know? How can I share that when I do not have those feelings myself?' Cas asked. His sincerity was startling. To Dean it seemed almost as if he was pleading for Dean to provide answers to these burning questions. Sam would be so much better than him at answering those: he was the one who had had Jessica. A long discussion of the difference between lust and love and one night stands was not in order, but Dean felt he had little else to offer.

As for Cas' absence of emotion; Dean was really starting to doubt that lack. Cas' superiors had noticed the change and Dean had noticed it too. Just because Cas himself wasn't aware of it, that didn't mean he hadn't changed. He felt something for Dean, he felt something for Sam. Dean knew without a doubt that Cas was capable of caring for people. Perhaps it had been wrong to take him to a brothel if this was how Cas felt. However, it was beyond Dean why they had to discuss this when all he really wanted was to get some sleep.

'Well, don't worry about it, buddy. You lived to see another day. Plenty of time to think about all of that another time. And you do feel shit. I know you do,' Dean said. As much as he wanted the conversation to be over, he only had to look at Cas to see it wasn't. No rest for the wicked, Dean thought.

'I don't feel. I am in possession of the five human senses, but I don't experience emotion,' Cas stated. It took all Dean's self discipline – and there wasn't a whole lot of that – to keep himself from saying that it was becoming clearer and clearer that Cas was not in possession of one crucial sense, otherwise he would by now have seen that Dean. Wanted. To. Go. To. Sleep. He had to be blind not to see that. Suppressing a groan, Dean struggled to stay civil.

'You don't say,' he responded sarcastically, 'By the way, I like our crazy human selection process. If women only slept with good guys I'd never get laid. You might want to take that into account.'

You might want to take that into account. So, if people slept only with good people, Dean was exempted. Unless an exception was made. Dean was unsure whether that was what he had meant when he said that. And who was to make that exception anyway; everyone, all the women or just Cas? He wondered whether he had just accidentally put himself forward as a possible lover.