Chapter 1: Sh*t.
'Oh look, a potato.' -Thinking
"I like potatoes." - English
"Mmmm, I love potatoes." - Japanese.
"That's what people do who love you. They put their arms around you and love you when you're not so lovable."
― Deb Caletti
BEEP! BEEP! Warning, lot's of sh*t up ahead! Not sh*t as in, "sh*t's gonna go down", but as in the word sh*t. And uncensored sh*t too. Just in case you don't like the word sh*t... I love the word sh*t...
I woke up to the view of a blurry yellowish-brown ceiling that was the color of hay.
Well, it was straw, but does that really matter? I was in a dirty hut in a pile of goat wool that, despite being extremely comfy and super soft, smells like shit. Luckily, I was lying on the blanket that I was wrapped in earlier. With my thoughts more coherent now that I'm not in a potentially fatal situation, I noticed that it was a large blanket that was smooth, like the finest silk. It was a beautiful crimson fringed with small amber patterns. A direct contrast with the house.
How did I know that it was goat wool?
No shit, it smelled like wet goat and goat shit. Everything here smelled like shit. Or maybe I was just really grumpy lying in this pile of goat-shit smelling wool.
As I ruminated over the smell of shit that permeated the air, a blurry giant reddish-brown pancake moved into my vision. I opened my mouth to scream, until I realized that no, it wasn't a mutant pancake, and yes, it was the face of strange man. Some of the blurriness cleared from my eyes as a slight twinge flashed suddenly into my head, and I could see the face before me.
It, a man, had skin tanned red from a truly blistering sun. The man had a square face lined with thick, wiry, and black hair that was flecked with salt and pepper hairs, and his lips were pink and chapped. His almond-shaped eyes were a pure brown with no pupils (really weird, but this is Naruto-verse we're talking about...) and he had his black salt-and-pepper hair pulled back in a ponytail. Stress wrinkles lined his face, but I could see wrinkles of happiness smiling on the corners of his mouth and eyes. He wore a brown, sack-like outfit.
Overall... he looked like one of those poor peasant farmers that you read about in the books.
His mouth split into a wide smile that revealed surprisingly white teeth with a lower incisor missing.
"Kofuku (1)! Kofuku! The baby you found's awake!" He shouted over his shoulder. I flinched at his loud and booming voice, and noted that what he said was... was...
Gibberish. Absolute gibberish.
How was I supposed to survive when I didn't even know the language?! My lip began to tremble, and I struggled to keep myself from crying. Curse my fragile infant emotions! It's so embarrassing crying in front of others, especially someone you don't know! By the way, my efforts failed. I began bawling loudly, expressing my displeasure at the sound of the man's noisiness and my embarrassment with long shrieking high C's. (In case you don't know your music notes, a high C is a very high note.)
A woman with frizzy dark brown hair tied back in a bun entered the doorway of the hut (it has no door, by the way), blocking off the sunlight that came through. She walked forward, transforming from a dark silhouette to a slightly chubby woman with an oval face and a wide smile that seemed to ooze excitement. Her skin, like the man, was tanned with a slight reddish burn to it. Her light, honey-brown eyes widened when she saw me crying, and she rushed over immediately. She, like the man, wore a brown cloth outfit that looked more like a proper kimono than a potato sack.
"Tomi(2)! How could you make him cry?! I told you to go out and get me, not to shout for me!" She appeared to scold the man, who smiled sheepishly and scratched his beard.
"Aww, Kofuku, I just wanted to stay with him. It would be, er, quite, um, irresponsible of me if I were to leave the child, y'know? Ahahahaha!"
The woman (whose name was Kofuku? The man repeated it several times already.) huffed out of her pert nose, and picked me up. She began me back and forth, smiling happily as she shushed my shrill wails.
Somehow, it calmed me down. It was rather surprising really, how relaxing she was. A striking contrast with her husband(?). My cries faded to small blubbers, and from small blubbers to silence.
"He's so cute and small... Do you... really think we can keep him, Tomi?" The woman's face had scrunched up slightly, and her eyes seemed strangely bright.
"Well, it doesn't seem like he has anywhere else to go but here." The man kissed the woman on the cheek, and stared down at me, seemingly lost in thought.
I felt something wet fall on my face, and I turned from looking at the man to look above me, where I saw the woman. Her eyes were closed, and tears dripped steadily down her cheeks to fall on my face. She smiled down at me, whispering gibberish at me.
When people cry in dramas and manga, there is an extremely high probability their tears look maudlin, beautiful, and silent.
That lady's tears were not any of those. Not in the slightest.
Her eyes had become slightly red and puffy, and her forehead scrunched up to form several heavy wrinkles. Her nose was dripping slightly (and on me too!), and she kept choking out a single word of gibberish.
"Chou(3), chou. Your name is Chou. I'm sure you'll grow up to be as beautiful as a butterfly."
"Kofuku... That's a girl's name though! And I'm sure a guy wouldn't want to be girly... We have a son, not a daughter, so he'll grow up to manly, just like his new daddy!" The man seemed exasperated as he spoke to the woman. She scowled angrily.
"Shut up! Stop ruining the moment I'm having with my new child!"
"Ahahaha, sorry. I'll just leave you to your 'moment'."
"Are you mocking me?!"
"N-no! Of course not!"
"I thought so..."
After that brief conversation with her husband (or so I assume), the woman turned her face back to me, wiping her eyes with the arm that wasn't carrying me.
"Chou, you must be hungry. Who knows how long you've been on that river, right? I'll go get you some food!" The woman left the hut, and the man stretched, and walked out as well. But before he left, he turned his head over his shoulder.
"I guess your name's Chou now, eh? Ah, hopefully you'll turn out more manly than your name! Your new daddy's going out to work in the fields! Someone's gotta put the food on the table, even if it's just a little bit! I bet there'll be a good crop this year! And I'm not being irresponsible by leaving you alone because your new mommy Kofuku is going to come back with some yummy food!" He gave a huge grin that showed off that missing incisor, and tromped away.
I was all alone now. It was kind of scary. I was, after all, only a mere babe that couldn't even walk.
But this couple seemed nice. Perhaps I was near Konohagakure! All the other places seemed rather tough and gritty. Not to say that Konoha wasn't tough and gritty. It just didn't seem as tough and gritty as the other villages from first glance. Ha ha.
Should I change the story line? That... thing said my very existence would cause changes. That means that it's okay to cause the story line to diverge from canon, right?
"Chou~ I brought you some milk!" The woman -Kofuku- walked in, holding a bowl and a cloth. White, creamy liquid sloshed in the bowl, and the woman kneeled down next to me. She held the bowl to my lips, as if telling me to drink.
How the hell am I supposed to drink like that.
I tried to lean into the bowl to get some milk (that smelled strangely like goat, hm), but I failed miserably. It splashed onto my cheek, and not in my mouth. The woman quickly dabbed at my cheeks with the clean (thankfully) cloth that she had brought with her.
"Hmm, perhaps babies don't just drink milk from a bowl? Haha, silly me! They should drink milk just like baby animals do!" Kofuku dipped the cloth into the milk, and held it to my lips.
Ah, what am I, a kitten? Whatever, I'm hungry.
I latched onto the cloth, and began sucking the milk out of it.
HRGHGHGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
GOAT.
I instantly gagged at the unfamiliar, rich and revolting flavor.
"Eh, you don't want it? It's all you're going to get! Come now, it's fresh from the nanny goat! I know you're hungry!" Kofuku re-dipped the cloth in the shit milk, and held it to my mouth.
Sweet Lord above (if you exist in Naruto-verse), or Shinigami, or Jashin, or whatever. Have mercy on me.
My stomach growled pitifully, and I felt tears come to my eyes.
You have to carry on...
I resignedly began sucking on the cloth. Oh, the shame. I want to grow up soon...
Wait, at least it isn't breast-feeding.
Thank goodness.
Translation Notes:
(1) Kofuku 幸福 - Happiness
(2) Tomi 富 - Fortune
(3) Chou 蝶 - Butterfly
Author's note:
Hey readers, if you're reading this. You might not be, but you won't see this if you aren't, so...
Anyways. I'd like to address two very important people that I am emotionally indebted to.
Guest and Anonymous, 'tis you who gave me strength to type this chapter when I'm hiding in the closet to avoid vengeful parents who want me to study for five hours straight and play piano till I break. Two reviewers were two more than I expected.
You guys rock. But not like the rock that broke Mr. MC's head open and spilled his brains out. Tehe~
Many thanks to thee, Rin here, signing off.
Word Count: 1673 words
Status: Unbeta-ed