Naruto's Divine Intervention

Summary: Let's just say, for the sake of fits and a giggle, Team 7 was related to whoever lived in 221 Baker Street. A disgruntled Artist finds out about the evil of girdles and finds herself keeping a once and still dysfunctional team together. Oh and yes this time the whole wormhole was Sai's fault.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Warning: We have a cussing Naruto and a lackadaisical Kyuubi. Who can blame the guy. Good news is Kyuubi has a name in this fic. I don't know if it's anything like the Manga.

Chapter 2: The Mystery of the Singing Fox

(Kyuubi's Humble Abode, Naruto's point of view)

"Ohhhh man," Naruto bemoaned softly with a groan rubbing his tousled blonde head. Here he was facing the same gate every time his life was near death's door or when he was sleeping or when the seal started to weaken or . . . Okay let's just say this boiler room looking place became highly familiar ever since Ero-Sannin threw him off a cliff when he was barely thirteen. He dusted himself off and nearly flipped out when he spotted blood on his own two hands.

"AHHHHHHH" He let out a horrifying scream, "Oh man I killed the Client. I killed the Client! And that's bad. That's Bad-bad-bad-bad-bad-bad-bad-bad-bad-bad-baaaaah-"

"BRATLING!" rumbled a deep dark voice whose rancid breath sent a heavy Wind in Naruto's direction, nearly blowing him off his black clad feet. Bright blue eyes turned to stare up and up at a pair of bright ruby cat eyes.

". . . Oh . . ." Naruto flatly responded noting the same spooky glare as usual, ". . . It's you. . ."

"Notice something?" The big red fox purred, sending shivers down his jailor's spine.

"Notice my foot," Naruto huffed, "First you take over then Sasuke comes running to kill Sakura and Sai and Clarity . . . Clarity . . ."

He closed his eyes. Minute flashes went through his head. Something about sutures and a crazy guy throwing knives, falling from the sky, A hoof to the face . . . Clarity jumping between them and the final fight . . .

"THAT IDIOT!" Naruto screamed when he just remembered Clarity got herself rammed between a chidori and a giant rasengan when she went between them while Sakura stood frozen stiff before turning to the Fox, "and YOU, you loggerheaded flea-bitten scut! What the heck did you do?"

"I saved your sorry hide you mongrel," Kyuubi sneered, "Well actually my hide. Notice anything missing you Mortal Whelp."

Naruto paused, blinked, and noticed the gate was wide open. The cute little seal was in ribbons across the boiler room's watery floor space. He gulped noticing the Fox had its long red face shoved up against the Ninjas entire Torso. Nine Tails wagged when the fox evilly grinned. Naruto gulped to keep his heart from beating in his larynx.

"Uh . . . you wouldn't happen to know a good locksmith would you?" Naruto gulped.

The fox made a swipe. The after wind of the fox's hand sent Naruto rolling into the wall. The fox pumped his demonic chakra directly into the pipes. At the same time Naruto felt his whole body catch aflame.

"AHHHH, You dang fox what're you doing! Dattebayo!" He yelled, He couldn't live through the pain. Too many open wounds, 2nd degree burns felt awful. He just knew he was going to die.

"What I normally do brat!" The Fox scoffed, "Keeping you alive."

Naruto visibly rocked on the ground hugging his aching stomach thinking, I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die!

"As if I'd let you," Kyuubi chuckled darkly, "Oh sure there's no seal keeping your soul separated from mine but it's not like we have a symbiotic relationship. You have your little buddies here anyway since they went after you two lunkheads." Kyuubi was not going to say the fact that the whole symbiotic relationship thing was more skin deep than Kyuubi wished it to be. He also didn't want to say a couple of the lunkheads were scattered upon either end of the city.

Naruto felt himself gratefully slip into unconsciousness only to find his shaky self back in the realm of the living. He squeezed his eyes shut. Hoping the pain would stop. His blood felt like it was boiling.

(Now back in Cold Hard Reality)

"I pity you my . . . not-so-unconscious friend but playing possum with a doctor is liable to get you screaming." Spoke a strange man who poured burning liquids into Naruto's leg.

Naruto sat bolt upright getting some of the liquid burning down his throat in the process.

"AHHHHH What the Heck!" Naruto coughed, "WHERE AM I! WHAT AM I DOING HERE AND WHO THE HECK ARE YOU-TTEBAYO!"

Naruto leaped to his feet to point accusingly to the two men before him and then the lady who dropped her tea tray. The awkward silence stood so thick that not a thing could cut it. The sixteen year old boy looked derisively in all directions before he sat down. Something didn't feel right. He suddenly felt woozy and extremely sick. He curled into himself with an iron will to not collapse.

"Easy there easy," Watson soothed the lad, "You're in London dear fellow. No harm done, you're quite alright."

'And recuperating alarmingly,' Watson mentally added to himself.

He was careful to hand the boy his cup instead of Holmes' cup so that he didn't get any contaminants in his system. Naruto took the cup of tea gratefully and cupped his hands around before a violent fit of coughing. The bourbon burned all the way down. A couple sips of scalding tea soothed the bourbon burn and left in its wake a different kind of fire. Naruto remembered trying to sneak a cup of alcohol once but it burned a lot and left him woozy afterwards. The hot tea did the trick to sooth but it did not get him to sit down.

"Where's my comrades. How's my teammates. Where's Clarity?" Naruto asked, voice hoarse. It wasn't much English. Clarity's demands oftentimes held a similar harsh tone of voice following a crafty smile. Whom was looking after whom. It was Naruto protecting Clarity from herself that's who.

"Alright then," crooned Holmes, his companionable slap upon Naruto's shoulder made Naruto hiss and curse several words Ms. Hudson was glad not to understand. "I'll direct you to your friends. In turn you will answer questions for me. What is the use of this fascinating device up your-"

SHING

Naruto straightened his arm. The knife came out of his sleeve on a loop of wire. The knife put to Holmes' throat. Watson's gun aimed at Naruto's ear. Holmes steady gaze turned from the knife to the gun then to Watson's dead set face. He smirked barely a little.

"Fascinating," He toned, "Simply fascinating. Naruto . . . Is it?"

Naruto blinked in answer to his name. Holmes twisted the arm. One hand had a free arm behind his back. Naruto had his own knife brought to his throat. Naruto struggled, huffed, but Holmes whispered in his ear.

"The fight is over. You are here. Your friends are . . . There. YOU," Holmes pointed out, "were the first to recover. I know your name by the ID in your coin purse. It has a remarkable semblance to the Cane Toad by the way."

Naruto didn't sit still to hear Homes' explanation. He ran straight to their bedside. He shook the shoulder of each unconscious trio. The silver haired man whose face was obscured by a sheet of cloth. The pale faced fellow who by any and all who could tell had to have been an albino. The last few a-

"A hairstyle reminiscent of a mallard's bottom and the female. That has to be Cherry Blossom colored hair," Holmes responded, "And pastel green eyes."

"THAT'S PINK!" Watson spat.

"Quite right Cherry Blossom colored it is," Holmes mused, "Must be a genetic disorder."

KLONK

"No Sh** Sherlock," Naruto cussed and promptly hit Holmes with the flying bedpan. Holmes keeled over from that blow. He was definitely going to feel that concussion by dawn. "And quit making fun of Sakura-chan!"

The last one the black haired woman in her twenties by far had received the worst amount of damage. Naruto kept cursing himself. It was his mission to protect the client not blow the client to smithereens. The chakra poisoning her already delicate situation was making each medical procedure done to her a disaster. Her body was attacking itself.

"I'm sor . . . I'm sorry," He choked out, barely a whisper, "Clarity you idiot if you don't make it I'm going to skin you alive."

Then there came the other assailant. Naruto didn't know whether to be glad to see him or ready to kill him. Sasuke Uchiha in all his glory was stripped (by Holmes) down to his fishcake print underpants. Bandaged and battered, he barely retained the image of his former avenging glory. Aside from the Ass's hoof prints marking it's way up the front of his body followed by a set of wheel tracks.

"If it makes you feel any better," Holmes suggested lamely, "His cause of death would've been run over by a donkey driven Cabbage Stand."

"Great an ass run over by an Ass," Naruto scoffed, "You definitely had a thing for the dramatics Sasuke but this is so dumb it's ironic."

"I can always help," Kyuubi growled ominously.

'Not NOW Kurama,' Naruto mentally seethed.

"Maybe after my nap I'll lend you my chakra," Kyuubi purred, "Your health is my health and if you keep worrying about that Harpy I'll die of nausea."

'She's a friend you Fleabag!' Naruto sighed in his head, if he yelled aloud than those strangers would think he's insane but screaming was tempting, 'Above all else she hired Team 7 to protect her not make her a statistic.'

"Clocks ticking," Kyuubi mused, he was happy about his predicament. He stretched out his full length along the floor of his prison. His toes touching one end and his head resting on his arms. He didn't see any setbacks. He decided to make the most of his newfound situation.

He began to sing, "When Irish Eyes are Smiling~, there's destruction all~ around~."

(Parlor, Mrs. Hudson's Point of View)

I've done some things that would make any normal housekeeper gag. Feeding a boa constrictor in the living room! Having to clean up some awful spills. I'm quite a regular with poison and animal control. They were speechless when Mr. Holmes went walking straight out one Christmas in a pair of Long Johns and a cloth face mask literally painted to look like the coal pile. He walked straight out of the snow bank and asked the poor speechless dears if they'd like any tea! Of course no one ever really sees Holmes actually mix formaldehyde in with the butter biscuits. It's one of the reasons why I politely see to some of his crazy requests so long as he stays out of my kitchen.

"Nanny," Holmes inquired using that tone of voice like a grown man asking his mother, of all the crazy ideas, "Would you be a dear?"

I did not trust Holmes with my good sewing scissors. I thought I had those under lock and key! Then again he could be a dear in his own . . . Eccentric way. I gave Sherlock my own subdued smile. I pocketed the scissors in case he starts cutting bald spots in the name of science.

"I will take care of the guests if you don't mind," I answered, "Please be a gem. John has heard so little about you!"

John worded a don't you dare.

"John these are the reasons I'm glad to see you." I reiterated to the disgruntled Doctor. With John Watson around for at least a few moments I can get two hours of normalcy at the price of one pence of his sanity. I didn't have to push Holmes towards John's direction. He was quick to drag John out the door by his arm. My Pup trotted after me carrying a bowl of antiseptic.

"Don't forget to disinfect the stitches." Holmes sang as an afterthought.

. . . What I do to keep peace in the kitchen.

(In front of the Fireplace, Watson's point of view)

"I do believe you look a bit off color Watson, mind a cup of tea?" Holmes asked, "My blend or Nanny's?"

"Holmes your blend has bactericide in it," I yawned, it was quite a night. I almost thought I'd be reliving The Battle of Maiwand all over again. By any and all accounts skills I obtained during my time in her Majesty's service have not gone rusty. I listened with rapt attention to Holmes use of the throwing stars and the Tanto found on the pink haired girl's purse. It was the sword however that enraptured Holmes immensely. A youth at Christmastime could not compare. He unsheathed the blade much like one would a rapier slashed the atmosphere in front of him.

"Hmmm . . . Lightweight . . ." Holmes observed, he positioned the blade on his person as such in the same way as per the owner it was found upon, "Wielder is right handed, Comes from a noble house in the Far East according to the symbol of his garb. Naruto mentioned Sasuke. The symbol looks like an Uchiwa. His name being Sasuke Uchiha or Sasuke Uchiwa."

EEEEK

CRASH

Mrs. Hudson's gasp and the clatter of a dropped platter assured Holmes and myself to hurry to her aid immediately. The time it took us to circumvent from the sitting room to Holmes' Chambers took Hudson to jump to a chair lifting her skirts.

The boy Naruto glowed brilliantly for a time and in his place stood a humanoid light bulb in Naruto's form. Tribal markings starting at a swirl upon his abdomen branching out. Naruto's hands crissed themselves together to form some sort of sign.

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu" spoke he and a doppleganger ran out of a puff of smoke to his right.

EEEEEEK

The most forboding of screams echoed throughout Baker Street. The lamp-like lad pursued another another venture entirely. One that involved a horrible acidic energy bubbling all over the latter's body. The boy, Sasuke, growled quite inhumanly. Black eyes flashing crimson. A fist to the spine connecting the skull to the cerebral cortex knocked Sasuke promptly into the realm of dreams.

"That is quite enough!" I conjectured to the lad. "Whatever have you done to the boy is causing more harm than good. It's burning away the closings."

"Not quite Watson my dear fellow look here," Holmes announced, "The billowy pustules along the wounds remarkably transgressing if the smoke and embers are any indication. Maybe a special prognosis of a man whose astounding ability so as to take other people's illnesses upon himself."

"Easy for you to say," Naruto moaned, bad idea, purifying chakra was definitely under the bad idea scale, "I'm going to be sick. Dattebayo."

By Jove, the boy clutched his stomach and clapped a palm to his face. Blue eyes wide and white. He floundered about the room for an exit.

"No use making a fuss right this way," said Mrs. Hudson guiding Naruto out by his shoulder. His doppleganger perchanced upon the bow window. Two upper torsos straddled out into the street. Naruto tossing his luncheon out upon the cobblestones with such a blight of sickness. Poor chap meant well when he apologized, really he did. It was not enough to stop his retching but lead him to the couch where Mrs. Hudson kept a glass of ginger ale and crackers on a small tray next to the pipe rack.

I picked up my tea and upon sniffing it asked Holmes, "Is this smell what I think it is?"

(Inside Naruto's Subconcious)

The Kyuubi aka Kurama was having a fit. One minute he had this whole space to himself without that blasted cage in the way. The next minute he had to dodge Naruto making a hasty escape to his side of the enclosure. One hand covered his mouth. The other arm clamped to his stomach.

"OY Don't throw up back there that's where I sleep!" Kurama yelled but too late.

WHURGH

Kurama pinned his colossal ears back. He hated to hear his own vessel wretch. Sure they hammered out some kind of working relationship during the war. Kurama for that fox's selfish reasons and Naruto for his selfless reasons were about as bosom buddies as Cod Fish and Olive Oil. Naruto on the other hand was ecstatic to find out the infamous "Nine Tailed Fox" actually had a name. To Naruto the name Kurama sounded more personable than calling him Kyuubi all the time. Kurama ignored the annoying bit of Naruto being an attention starved chatterbox.

" . . . Dis . . . Gusting . . ." Kurama drawled, He slapped his tail on the water's surface sending a tidal wave to wash the mess, and Naruto, away. "Whelp you're a sight for sore eyes. My eyes are sore from looking at you."

Kurama dangled Naruto from his orange jacket like a bag of jelly beans. The kid was dripping wet. Kurama sniffed him. Yuck, did he hate that smell. Kurama just dunked the boy in the drink and shook him dry.

"Gack, splutter, HEY! I'M STILL ALIVE FURBALL YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO MAKE SURE I WAS DEAD YET! DATTEBAYO!" Naruto yowled. He spluttered and coughed from being laundered by the Kyuubi no Kitsune.

"Well excuse me! You smelled sick. What was I going to do? Tell you one shot of bourbon gets you from buzzed to hangover because they're based off of my bodyweight instead of yours?" mocked the Nine Tailed Fox.

"What weight, you're so fat but all that fat's HOT AIR! YOU NIMROD!" Naruto growled back.

"I'd ask you to weep me a river Fat Face but it looks like you'll erupt me a mountain out of a mole hill instead," Kurama chided when he sat Naruto down, "You passed out because you hyperventilated last second. Sasuke had a small fountain geyser up out of his wound."

Kurama waited and waited for a reaction. Naruto wasn't bouncing around all over the place. He didn't have a shine in his eyes nor a spring in his step. He just flopped there in the palm of Kurama's hand and sighed.

"It's like I'm going from one place to the next and back again," Naruto sighed fatigue taking it's toll, the crash landing, the fight with Sasuke, and even the emotional drain of seeing his friends in such pain, "My friends are in agony. I'm the one being a burden and I actually sensed no ill intent in Watch-son and what's his face."

"He's Sherlock Holmes," Kurama dead panned.

"Yeah that guy!" Naruto chattered, "But what the hell did he drug my tea with?"

". . ." Kurama said nothing. He'd met many crazy people over his lifetime. Several of them nothing like his first meeting. Holmes sounded like another one of those science monkeys or Orochimaru with the evil sucked out of him. ". . .Don't ask . . ."

Any and all constructive Criticism is welcome.