When The Day Met The Night

Chapter 2

I'm Scared

A/N - I really want to find a song that fits each chapter, lyrics in this one are from I'm Scared by Duffy. Also since my normal beta is completely engrossed in the Sims 3 and hardly coming up for air, thanks to Erin to doing the Beta on this one!

The blank pages of my diary,
That I haven't touched since you left me,
The closed blinds in my home,
See no light or day,
Dust gathers on my stereo,
'Cause I can't bare to hear the radio,
The piano sits in a shaded space,
With a picture of your face

He knew she wouldn't be able to function that day or the next one, he knew she'd probably sit in that kitchen chair, ignore the coffee and breakfast and cry. It broke his heart knowing what he was doing to her, so he continuously reminded himself that it was for the best. The cab he called that morning looked like a hearse and he felt like he was being carted off to his grave. Every mile that separated Luke from Star's Hollow made him feel more and more dead inside.

Rory found her mother in bed on Saturday morning, clutching a yellow daisy and a crumpled piece of paper to her chest. In truth, Luke anticipated Lorelai's reaction, so he made sure that her daughter would be there at least the next day, to ensure she wouldn't be alone. After all, no one should have to be alone after something like that.

"Mom?" Rory asked timidly, sitting on the edge of Lorelai's bed, her hand on her mother's shoulder. "Mom...?" she asked again, afraid of what else she could say. Are you okay? was a silly question to ask, as the answer was obvious. This sucks. A silly statement that might make her feel worse. But then she came up with the perfect thing; "I love you, Mom."

Lorelai struggled to smile and put her hand on Rory's arm. "He left me, Rory..." she finally managed to say as a few tears drifted down her cheek. Sniffling, Lorelai wiped the moisture with her palm, unsure of what else she could do or say.

Rory moved to lay by her mother's side, wrapped her arms around Lorelai and soothingly rubbed her arm. At this, Lorelai clutched the letter in her hands tighter, crinkling the paper and disturbing the silence in the room. "Did he send you?" Lorelai asked.

While nodding Rory simply said, "Mmhm." And at that, Lorelai drifted off to sleep, as she hadn't been able to do the night previous. Rory watched her mom slumber through the pale yellow morning light, crying lightly herself; the hurt was incredibly palpable.

I'm scared to face another day,
'Cause the fear in me just won't go away,
In an instant
You were gone,
And now I'm scared...

Luke found himself lost in thought during the entire cab ride, wondering about Lorelai, wondering about his life, about how it might be too hard to come back when she moved on. Before he knew it, the cabby was telling him they had arrived and he found himself standing in front of a door with a bag in his hand, trying to remember if he paid the driver. And truth be told, Luke really had no idea what was in store for him once he stepped through that door. He had been given an information packet but was too overwhelmed to even open it.

The Marines didn't waste any time twiddling their thumbs. First thing the next morning, he sat in a large truck being carted to another base for three weeks of boot camp. What little hair sat on his head was shaved, his belongings were searched like he was a common criminal and he was told when to eat, drink, sleep, spit, shit and swear. It was a relief, really; the physical exertion left little blood left for a tormented brain, and Luke soon found that he was able to zone out avoiding most of his thoughts so time could pass by faster. And when he'd let his mind think even a little thought about anything else, he's once again feel the knot in his gut that pulsated with emotional pain, the piece of Lorelai that he had taken with him. He hoped that it'd dull after time, but for now, he could ignore it with every mile he ran, every weapon he fired and every pit of mud he crawled through.

Coffee stains on your favorite book,
Remind me of you so I can't take a look,
The magazines you left on the floor,
You won't need them anymore,
A towel left hanging on the wall,
No sign of wet footsteps in the hall,
There's no smell of your sweet cologne,
I'm lying here alone

Lorelai was back at work that next week, knowing she couldn't take another day of prerecorded VHS compilations or staring blankly at a pile of fabric, willing it into another dress. Besides, when she managed to dig through her sewing kit, she was greeted by scraps of material from Luke's uniform and was devastated and repulsed at the same time. The Dragonfly had a private office for her to hide away at, a desk covered in paperwork, dim lights, the comforting glow of an old computer and an ample supply of coffee. For once in her life, she was relieved it wasn't Luke's coffee.

It did help that she was angry, supremely and utterly so--one could even say infuriated and irate. She had moved past the first stage of grief and she enjoyed the ride that anger gave her; it helped her work and get through her day. The anger helped her forget how hurt and betrayed she felt, although it didn't make sleep come any easier and that soon became the most dreaded part of her day. She would either dream of Luke being oh-so-Luke-like, loving her or laughing with her, holding her, kissing her... or she'd dream of a Luke lost, hurt or dead or once, no longer in love with her. Both kinds of dreams were equally devastating and it made her reject sleep until the last possible moment, hoping that maybe the dreams wouldn't come that night due to sheer exhaustion.

And by telling no one of what happened, of course, all of Stars Hollow knew about it. Everywhere Lorelai turned someone was standing there with a look of pity on their face, which as we all know, is the last sight a grieving person needs or wants. And it was the worst when it came from her daughter and her best friend. Had no one lost a loved one in that town? It seemed like no one knew just how hard it really was.

Especially awkward was that first day back to work; the moment she sat behind her desk and turned her computer on, she had managed to completely zone out. When she glanced to her computer monitor again she was greeted with a screen saver slide show of her and Luke, holding each other, laughing, happy. Which caused her pain to overshadow her anger and the tears began to stream down her face once more, ruining whatever mascara she'd managed to apply that morning. And of course, Sookie came into her office that moment to force her to eat breakfast.

The standard unwanted comforting routine was given, as any good best friend knows, but the conversation soon veered off course. "You know he'll never stop loving you..." Sookie let slip before thinking about her words.

"Sook... just..." Lorelai managed to say from behind her desk, her face in her hands.

"Well... Sweetie, you know that... don't you? I mean -- he's Luke, he'll come back, no matter what that stupid letter says."

"You don't know that Sookie! And I mean, even if it's true, I have know way of knowing for sure!" The fury was coming back. Lorelai was soon standing and saying these things more forcefully than normal, in a tone she didn't often take with Sookie. "It would have been easier if he had died, Sookie! I mean, then I would know he was gone and I could work on actually moving on. But now he's in some kind of fucked up limbo where I don't know if he'll come back. I mean, what if I do move on like he wants me to? Find some other guy, knowing I'm totally in love with Luke still, and then Luke comes back. I mean, how fucked up would that be? And you know if he does come back... alive... it--it'll be to Stars Hollow, he's too... too... Luke not to!" With those last few words, especially alive, Lorelai almost lost it again. She bit her bottom lip hard to avoid another emotional episode, concentrating on the metallic taste of blood in her mouth.

Sookie slowly sat in the chair across from Lorelai's desk, a shocked expression on her face. She started to play with a pink Band-Aide on her hand, staring at it intently. "Sweetie..." she said, unable to make eye contact, at a loss for words and defeat in her voice.

Lorelai sat down with a puff of air expelling from her lungs, suddenly feeling guilty about winning that conversation. "Don't worry about it... I'll be fine." And with that she began to shuffle papers on her desk after hastily turning her computer screen off.

Luke's days weren't much easier, but at least no one knew him. The only person there to pity him or scold him was himself. In a world of strangers, this soft-spoken man soon lost most of his relationship with words, only really speaking now when hard pressed to. And don't be fooled; this new quality of Luke's made him a wonderful soldier, and his superiors soon took notice. Instead of following the men in their training exercises, Sergeant Danes started leading them through, unwittingly proving to the Marines that their decision in calling him back was right.

A pad of paper, alternating between sitting on his bunk, in his bag, on his knee, tormented him to no end. His yellow notepad with the black lines sat ready, his pen constantly poised over the first line, the pad waiting for him to start. Soon he managed to write a Lorelai and a comma, but couldn't get any farther. He didn't even know what he wanted to say to her, but she was the only one he felt right to write. The thought of writing a letter to Jess or Liz made him feel like a scared kid at camp; Liz wouldn't understand or care about his daily rituals and Jess would probably just poke fun. Ironically enough, Lorelai was the one he managed to destroy on his way out of Stars Hollow, but he hoped she'd understand that he still wanted to be her friend. Luke was constantly convincing himself that she did or didn't want to hear from him. He was afraid if he started to write it, he'd beg her to take him back or start telling her to move on. The truth was, he didn't know how to write to her as a friend, and so, he kept putting it off. And he knew without a doubt that he didn't really want her to move on.

"Hey Danes," a younger man said, moving to sit beside Luke on his bunk. Luke gripped his pen tightly and rubbed the side of his face. "Who's Lorelai?" the young man asked him, peering at the notepad in Luke's lap.

Luke put the pad beside him and crossed his arms, shaking his head, trying to think of the right way to describe her, or, not. "She's uh... she's..." Luke said, shaking his head.

The younger man crossed his arms to emulate Luke and smiled, "Ahhh she's one of those." Luke, noticing this man's behavior, smiled and nodded. "She waiting for you?"

And with that, Luke's smile was distinguished. "No," he said definitively, clenching his jaw, flexing his crossed arms, his hands in fists. "McCann... isn't there somewhere you have to be?"

Sean McCann, knowing how to take a hint, nodded and rose from the bed. "Danes, we're gonna be stationed together. I'll wear ya down eventually," he said. Smiling, a devilish glint in his eye, he winked at Luke and turned to leave the barrack. Taking a few calming breaths, Luke soon stood and followed Sean out the door.

Once boot camp was over, and they were sufficiently trained in whatever the Marines needed them to know; Luke and Sean were both assigned to the same company destined for Afghanistan.

Heading for their final destination, as the plane took off, Luke couldn't help but think about the numbness he felt in his heart, nothing like the pain he felt in the taxi cab on his way out from Stars Hollow. He wondered, had he finally died inside? And then he felt that too-familiar pull from the knot in his gut and he realized he still had a long way to go.

In an instant you were gone,
I'm scared...

And of course, Lorelai started to work herself into her grave, like everyone expected. Pulling into the Dragonfly's parking lot at six in the morning from not sleeping the night before, falling asleep at her desk; going home after nine reluctantly letting sleep take her. Her stomach was sour and so she didn't eat much ; the most sustenance she saw was from that which Sookie or Rory forcefully compelled her to consume. Even then, she found herself praying to the porcelain god on a daily basis, wondering what she did to deserve such a thing. It wasn't this hard last time, she routinely thought to herself, when am I going to wake up? Her private self-pitying thoughts ran through her head, ones she'd never dare tell another living soul.

Lorelai mused that her name really meant "unending spiral of defeat" the day Sookie found her ejecting her breakfast in the Inn's bathroom. "Honey... are you pregnant?" her friend asked her with a voice tinged with concern.

I can't be... I can't be... I'm not supposed to do this alone a second time... Lorelai thought, as her words caught in her throat, staring at Sookie, mouth agape. And with that Lorelai was forced out the door of the inn, to take the day off, to go to a drug store, whatever. Those were Sookie's words, almost exactly.

So she bought the stick--correction, sticks--that you ever so gracefully hold under your stream of urine like a cave woman pondering her innards. The stick things were in ample supply at Doose's Market, but unfortunately, the gossip mill was in eternal open season, which guaranteed that every stick thing was probably from 1979 when the market was originally opened. So the Jeep made it's way, far far far away from that little market and the well-to-do townfolk. It ended up in a less than savory neighborhood in Hartford, probably another cursed location asking for a cursed encounter, but it would have to do! Of course, the thing that could have made her trip to the drug store in Hartford as embarrassing as possible was a run in with her mother. Thankfully, that day in her mother's home city, she did not encounter the woman, which Lorelai finally took delight in, and no matter how fleeting, she felt a little more like herself.

Adorned with a scarf and sunglasses a la Thelma and Louise, Lorelai approached the checkout counter with a hand basket filled to the brim with every kind of test possible, plus the adorable Hello Kitty stationary on clearance. Like a spy on the prowl she approached the checkout counter, slightly hunched, a woman on a mission. Shoulders raised, head down, she bashfully smiled at the attendant. The bangles song running on repeat in her head was suddenly cut short when she heard the one word she didn't know she'd dread the most that day. "Lor?"

Pretend you don't hear it, hunch more! She schooled herself, trying to signal the cashier to hurry the fuck up!

But there it was again, the telltale "Lor?" Her elbow was grabbed and she spun around, beat red and smiling awkwardly.

"Oooh Chris! Hey!" She said, mustering all the fake happiness she could possibly conjure on a day like that.

Making small talk, her back to her basket, the cashier and her loot, she managed to dispose of the-Christopher-phenomenon before he could notice what she was hiding. He mentioned something about calling her later and so sorry about Luke, before leaving.

Agape again, was her facial expression, except this time it was in front of CVS with a giant shopping bag filled with pregnancy tests, dressed up like Thelma (or Louise). So sorry about Luke?! How the eff does Christopher know about Luke. And what poetic justice is this? I'm 'bout to have Luke's maybe-baby and Chris starts calling on me again...

Well for Lorelai, after the anger, sadness, confusion, shame, loneliness, hopelessness, it all suddenly morphed into one giant numb feeling. Without realizing it, she somehow arrived from the drugstore to her bathroom, her Newly-Luke-Remodeled-Bathroom, clutching a shopping bag containing the envy of pregnant teenagers everywhere. My life can't be this ironic, she thought as she moved to try the first test, removing it from the box and sitting on the toilet. Now that's a good Lorelai, back bent like you're picking the insects from someone else's back hair, for a nice afternoon snack, watching to make sure the stream is indeed flowing over the tip of the stick thing. What could be more graceful?

With an exasperated grunt, she took the stick-thingy, propped it on the counter, tip over the edge of the sink, grabbed another test and repeated the process until she did not have enough fluid to continue. Not bothering to stand from the toilet, Lorelai bent over, resting her elbows on her knees, rubbing her toes together while holding her head in her hands, hair framing her face in a curtain of loose curly waves. Mentally she zoned out again until she was startled by a pregnancy test tumbling over onto the floor. It landed so perfectly that the tip was propped between her toes, so that she couldn't mistake the result.

"Fuck!" she whispered as she jumped up and moved towards the counter. While pointing at one at a time she shouted, "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!"