"Kenny, I want you to answer this as honestly as possible: are you on crack right now?" I ask him, completely and utterly dumbfounded at his logic. "'Cause if you are, then that just might justify for you suggesting that."
"I'm serious, man!" he affirms while nodding his head. "What better way to clean up than to uphold the law? We'd kick ass at it!"
"I don't know if you've noticed this, Kenny, but… WE'RE CRIMINALS!"
"Exactly!" he boasts, chuckling at how agitated I'm getting. "Who better to catch the criminals than the people who used to be the criminals? We know every trick in the book – distractions, picking locks, how to grab money from the register, how to jack cars without getting caught… well, I know that part, anyways."
"You're pushing your luck here, Kenneth."
"Right, right, that was low. Sorry," he mumbles, fumbling his words around like an embarrassed little child. "But we'd be the best they've got!"
"What's your angle here?" I ask him, folding my arms across my chest and raising an eyebrow. "First, you randomly show up at my door after not having talked to me in two whole years, and now all of a sudden you want to be a cop?"
"Lee… we could be set for life here, man. No more worrying about looking over our shoulder, no more having to lie to my wife about where I'm going half the time…"
He pauses after the last part, allowing me to register what he's saying. Kenny wants to make his family life work again. It's admirable of him, I'll give him that much. If there's one thing that hasn't changed about my old friend, it's his undying loyalty to the people he cares about.
I used to think he cared that much about me, too.
"I got fired, you know," he explains sadly, with me widening my eyes in shock. "Surprised? You shouldn't be, really. With you gone, I couldn't pull off any more heists, and when the money started drying up, I resorted to stealing fish from the warehouse that I worked at."
"Jesus…" I breathe out, trying to imagine how desperate the man became.
"Yeah… anyway, they caught me one time and fired my ass the next morning. I haven't been able to find full-time work in about four months now," Kenny sighs, looking rather ashamed at the whole thing. Another attribute about Kenny is his incredible pride; about himself, about Duck and Kat, but also about his fishing work. I went with him on his boat on more than a few occasions, and the guy always seemed… calmer out on the waves. I can't really explain it, but the boat would sort of soothe him in a way.
Drumming my fingers along the table, I stand up to make the two of us a cup of coffee. I know that I had some packets of the stuff laying around here somewhere.
"So, what do you think?" he asks as I turn the coffee maker on. I watch as the boiling hot water slowly starts trickling down into the pot; making whooshing sounds every once in a while that cause me to jump. I forgot how busted this thing was.
"I think you're crazy," I comment dryly, pulling out two mugs and waiting some more. "But that's nothing new."
"Lee, I'm being serious here."
"Who ever said you weren't?" I question, trying not to burn myself as I pour some of the caffeinated beverages into our mugs; setting them down on the table with a small clank. "Of all the dumb ideas you've had Kenny… this might not actually be the worst."
"So is that a yes?" he asks, hope brimming in his moustache.
"I'll think about it."
"That always means yes!"
"I said I'd think about it," I correct him, shaking my head in exhaustion as we clank our mugs together. Why do I get myself into these crazy situations?
…..
"Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" Shane laughs along with his buddies, barely able to control themselves as Kenny and I stand there feeling like a bunch of losers. Even Rick's having a tough time keeping a neutral composure, but at least he is trying.
"Told you this would go badly…" I murmur, nudging Kenny with my elbow. He ignores me and continues to narrow his gaze at Shane.
"Oh my god… ha ha ha! Are you two knuckleheads actually serious right now?" he asks, wiping away a few tears that have formed in his eyes from chuckling so hard. "Is this some kind of prank y'all are pulling? If so, then I think I owe you folks a drink!"
"We've got just as much a right as anyone else," Kenny repeats firmly, placing both of our resumes on Rick's desk. "What's the harm in giving us a shot?"
"That's what we're afraid of! You shooting one of us!" chimes in one of the officers near the back, as the others murmur in agreement.
I gaze over at Rick, who's reading through the resumes while the rest of them are jeering at us. I wonder what his thought process is right now. I'm actually surprised that he's bothered to look over them at all, but maybe he figures that I'm trying to make a comeback here.
With one impressed nod from him, that's pretty much all the confirmation I need.
"You two walking in here in the first place was a real ballsy move," Shane tells us, more so to me than Kenny, "especially considering your track record. But hiring you would just be turning this police force into a joke, nothing more. Criminals as cops… don't make me laugh!"
"Pretty sure that I'm clean here, asswipe," Kenny retorts before I can stop him, causing me to facepalm. We don't need them to hate us any more than they already do! "And Lee's a free man! So don't go calling me a crook unless you've got the fucking evidence to back it up!"
"I'd watch your mouth if I were you, redneck," Shane barks back venomously, glaring at him with enough malice to send a shiver down my spine.
Kenny's not easily intimidated, though.
"Maybe if you did your job better, then you wouldn't need to go threatening guys like me all the time!"
"I ain't gonna stand for this shit! You'll be one of us as soon as I'm buried six feet under!"
"ENOUGH!" Rick bellows, causing everyone to shut up immediately and turn their attention towards him. Once he's certain that everyone's focused, he begins again. "Look, I know that you guys probably want nothing to do with these two gentlemen, but the fact is that we're short-staffed enough as it is."
"Rick," Shane's complexion whitens as he realizes what's going on, "come on, man. You can't be serious here…"
"They've got some useful skills here, Shane," Rick acknowledges, getting a supportive and thankful nod from me. "That's why I'm going to hire them – "
"YES!" Kenny chants, fist pumping the air in victory.
"- as interns."
"WHAT?!"
"Kenny, shut the fuck up…" I tell him aggressively, sending him a sharp look. "Just stop talking, alright?!"
At my scolding tone, Kenny reluctantly obliges, muttering something about how we weren't in our twenties anymore. To be perfectly honest, this was more than I thought we'd get, so I'm actually pretty satisfied. We'll just have to work our way up the ladder.
And as long as we don't have to clean toilets or photocopy all of their junk, then I'm good.
"You need to get used to the environment before going out into the field," Rick explains, sitting on the edge of his desk as everyone else disperses. Shane shoots us both a death glare before huffing out a sigh, shaking his head and telling Rick that he's going on patrol. "Look, I'll be totally honest here: you're not well-liked around this place."
"How could you tell?" Kenny jokes sarcastically, giving one guy the finger when he shot him a dirty look.
"Ignore him," I say to the sheriff, "What did you want us to do?"
Beckoning for the two of us to follow, we walk down a the corridor and pass by many disconcerted police officers who'd rather toss us both into jail than have to work with us. I think we're gonna get along great with these people.
"I'm gonna have Doug here show you how to work with the police scanners. He's a real tech savvy kind of guy," Rick explains, gesturing to a dorky-looking man with a green shirt, khaki shorts, socks and sandals. "Doug, these two are gonna be working in your department for a while, alright? Just show them the ropes a little bit."
Twirling the chair a few inches to look at us out of the corner of his eye, Doug sizes us up before nodding quickly and returning to his computer. Not much of a social guy, I see.
"I'll fill you two in on what goes on around here soon enough. But this is your trial run, understand?" Rick tells us, a warning tone reminding us that this is a serious affair. "Don't make me regret this – if things go screwy, then it's my ass on the line. Just follow the rules and you should do okay here."
"Thank you, Rick. Really, you didn't have to do this for us," I say to my friend, engaging in a firm handshake. It's funny how just four days ago he had driven me out of the prison and back into my home. "We'll make it up to you somehow, that's a promise."
"Well, if things go smoothly then you shouldn't have to," he smiles before patting me on the shoulder and returning to his office.
Taking a seat on either side of Doug, we pretty much twiddle our thumbs waiting for him to give us some kind of assignment. Unfortunately, we sit like this for at least five minutes and Doug doesn't even move his eyeballs away from his own screen. As I take a look over his shoulder, I scratch my head in puzzlement as I try making sense of what he's dealing with. Various… codes, I'm guessing they are? Well, whatever he's messing around with, I haven't got the faintest idea of what it is.
"Uh… Doug?" I ask finally, tapping him on the shoulder softly as to try and not disturb him too much. "Did you have something you needed us to do?"
Getting a small, wicked grin, Doug mysteriously tells us that he'll be right back and leaves the two of us wondering what in the hell is going on.
"What the fuck's the deal here?" Kenny questions, still seemingly pissed that he didn't get to be a cop straight away. Between you and me, I just think that he wanted to shoot something. "We weren't meant for sitting in front of a god-damn computer screen! We should be out there learning what the patrol officers do! I mean, what's he even doing over here? Doesn't seem like any police scanner I've ever seen…"
"Uh, Kenny?" I advise him, watching as he moves the mouse around and starts clicking on random things. "I don't think I'd touch that if I were you."
"Why? What's the worst that could happen?
Suddenly, the whole screen flickers for a moment before just going blank entirely; leaving the two of us looking absolutely terrified.
"Dude… what the fuck did you do…"
"How was I supposed to know that would happen?!" he retorts, pressing random buttons quickly in a vain attempt to restore power to the device. "Oh shit, man – this is bad! This is really, really, really bad!"
"No shit it's bad!" I reply, chuckling as he fumbles around like the tech-illiterate man he is. "We're gonna get fired already! As fucking interns!"
As Kenny pushes a few more buttons, the screen goes back to life, revealing the desktop along with several alerts that some people have called about a robbery in the downtown area.
"Jackpot!" Kenny cheers, grinning like a tool as he whistles for another officer, Omid, to come look at what he's discovered. "Should we get on that? Sounds like there's some trouble."
"Nice job, newbies, but I'll get on that," Omid concludes, motioning for his girlfriend (also a cop) Christa to come along with him. I'm pretty sure that I heard her mention something about how completely hopeless the two of us were, but I'll let it slide.
Besides, it's not as if she's wrong.
"WHAT DID YOU DO?!" Doug yells out, shoving Kenny out of the way and trying desperately to recover what he had on screen before our two dumb asses showed up.
Kenny, looking indignant, stands up and prepares to give a scolding that he'd most likely do to Duck.
"While you were off doing your hacking or whatever that was," he replies, nodding towards me as a sort of acknowledgement of some kind, "these folks called for our help! Looks to me as though we just saved your ass from getting the boot out of here!"
I have to restrain myself from laughing right now. Kenny (a fresh intern) is lecturing the guy who actually works here about how he was slacking off from his job. The irony hasn't been lost on me, as I watch Doug's cheeks burn red – partly embarrassment, partly rage that he'd even go that far.
"Just… gah! Here, take this list and don't open it until you get out of the parking lot," he instructs, tossing us a pair of keys that cause us to practically squeal in excitement. "Take the car in the second parking spot outside, and don't scratch it! Hopefully you won't screw this up, too!"
"I so get first dibs!" I call out as the two of us race outside. Kenny chuckles but concedes defeat as I reach the driver's side of the police cruiser, waiting for me to unlock the door for him.
"This is fucking awesome!" Kenny remarks, pulling out two pairs of sunglasses before handing one of them to me. "Here, I bought these for pretty cheap when you agreed to come with me for this job. Figure that we might as well look the part if we're actually going to be officers one day."
"How many cops do you know that where sunglasses?" I question, putting them on and backing up out of the lot.
"Well… there's two more now than there were before!"
"You're an idiot."
…..
"I wonder what he's got in here…" Kenny muses as I wait for the light to turn green. He's poking around various compartments within the car, and knowing how easily he misplaces things, I'm starting to worry. "Think he's got any cool gadgets or anything?"
"Come on, man! Focus! What'd that note say?"
"It said that lee Everett's a buzzkill…" he mutters sarcastically, unfolding the letter and groaning with rage. "Fucking hell! This is such bullshit!"
"What? What is it?" I ask him, wanting to know what all the fuss is about. Instead of telling me, however, he simply hands me the scrunched-up paper and rubs his eyes tiredly; muttering something about not having time for this shit.
Frowning, I try to make sense of all this chicken scratch that is Doug's writing – man, he should really just stick to typing his things out.
Once I finally do manage to decipher his foreign language, I bang my hand so hard on the steering wheel that the lights go off on top of the cruiser; causing several of the surrounding cars to pull over to the side of the road.
"GOD DAMN IT!" I yell out roughly, pulling a U-turn despite it being against the law in this particular section of road.
…..
"Will that be everything for you today, sir?"
"Yes, thank you."
"Okay, your total will be $45.00, please drive to the first window."
This has been our third stop now, and we've still got one more to go after this. Jesus, of all the bullshit moves Doug could've thrown at us, this one has to be the douchiest by far. Making us buy their coffee and donuts… Why can't they do this nonsense themselves?
"Who's left on the list?" I ask Kenny, suddenly not as thrilled as I was to be driving the police cruiser.
Scanning it over carelessly, Kenny grunts and says that it's just two people we don't know and Doug. Shane apparently doesn't eat donuts (obviously, since he could probably bench press me with one arm), and Rick doesn't seem to know about what we're doing right now.
Narrowing my gaze, I silently give the lady a $50 bill and tell her to keep the tip for herself. Kenny tells me to stop hitting on the younger ladies, but I smack him upside the head and tell him to eat Doug's donut.
"Why?" he asks me, examining the treat in his hands like a foreign object.
Smirking, I put the alarm bells on again in order to get the rest of the traffic out of the way.
"I don't think Doug needs any more of those," I comment dryly as the two of us laugh and start drifting in the car along some of the side roads. Nobody explicitly said when we had to be back by, so I think that it's time to see what this puppy can do.
We might just be a bunch of lowly interns right now, but true to Kenny's word, things might not be so bad after all.
Well, as long as we survive the hate of the rest of our coworkers, that is.