Romance is a Battlefield

Chapter 2

Red and Zim went out during the night in their human disguises. They figured that they could get the most done if a bunch of humans weren't watching their every move.

Red tugged at his pants as he tried to get comfortable in them. He wished he could wear the generic invader uniform like Zim could since it seemed a bit more comfortable, but he felt that his disguise was more formidable for the situation. He still didn't believe that Zim could manage to look so much like himself and yet pass off as a human with green skin. "Where are we going?"

"There's a place in the middle of town that holds many of the human's merchandise centers. I had a rough encounter there a little while ago and I think it is time to pay them a visit again."

"Wait, if you had a rough encounter there, wouldn't it be better for you to stay away if they already recognize who you are?" Red asked. "Seems like basic logic to me."

"Oh, I've been studying this facility for a long time," Zim said. "I plan to destroy it from the inside-out, and then the humans will no longer have any places to get their merchandise, showing them that the irken empire means business."

"I… guess that makes… no sense," Red said, rolling his eyes. "But we're out here to blow something up."

"And that's what we plan to do, Red," Zim said. "I'm so excited that you get to see Zim do what he does best, which is wreak havoc and cause utter chaos."

"Trust me, I already saw enough of that happening on Irk," Red said, sighing. "But let's just ignore that for now. What's the plan?"

"It's a simple one." Zim relayed the plan to Red as they made it to the mall. It was exactly the same as Zim had left it, though he knew that he would have to try for a different tactic than walking through the front door. That's why he studied the schematics and understood the ventilation system. He went to the side of the building and saw one of the lower shafts. "Watch and be amazed." He brought out his PAK legs and shot lasers in order to unhinge the grate that blocked the entrance to the shaft. "Can you give Zim a little boost?"

Red almost thought that Zim sounded cute when he said that, but he shook the thought almost immediately. He grabbed Zim and lifted him up almost like he was some kind of child in the arms of his father. After placing him in the vent, Red went in after him and they began crawling.

Zim remained quiet, trying not to raise alarm to his old security guard 'friend'. He went in a very distinct path: left, right, left, left, right, until Zim felt comfortable stopping. "I think this is it. Do you have the signal rats?"

Red nodded. He brought out a small box with a bunch of rats in them. They were little just rats with a little antenna attached to their stomachs with a bit of Scotch tape.

"Alright, set these little vermin free and they'll roam around the entire place. We'll wait a little bit of time, then we'll exit, then we'll throw the switch and KABOOM!" Zim quickly covered his mouth, though no one was coming their way. "Alright, let's do this quick."

Red flipped over the box and the rats began to scurry back into the mall. He then slowly turned himself around (though, it was difficult. He's so tall!) and began heading out of the vent. As he did so, he jumped out and slowly got Zim out as well. They went over to a safer area and Zim brought up a few camera screens using a tablet that he stored in his PAK.

"You have camera signals, ventilation schematics, destructive rats, and a map to the whole place," Red said. "Wow, you actually thought this one through."

"Zim always thinks his very elaborate plans through," Zim said. "Now that the Dib-human isn't getting in the way this time, it gives me plenty of freedom to do anything to this filthy place." He let out a small laugh. He looked down at his tablet and kept track of his rats. Thankfully, they were scurrying around rather than moving around in packs. Many of the main areas were covered and that was good enough for Zim. "Ready for this?"

"Oh, I am absolutely ready for this," Red said, a devious smile on his face.

Zim pulled out the device with the button on it and asked, "Would you like to do the honors, Red? I think you deserve it."

Red couldn't help but smile. He loved Zim's loyalty, even if it could get a little annoying at times. "Let's do it together."

Zim returned the smile and put the device in between them. They each positioned a finger over the button.

"1…" Red called.

"2…"

"3…" They each pressed the button at the same time and looked at Zim's tablet as the Earth began to shake when the explosions began to go off. They tried to keep themselves as stable as possible as the tremors got bigger and bigger.

The explosions didn't penetrate the outer walls, but they weren't supposed to. Zim didn't want everyone to see the damage right away. Once the dust cleared, only three cameras remained, and they each gave a great view of the damage that was caused.

Columns were toppled over, many shops were in pieces, and the main hallway was no longer recognizable. The zombies that used to roam the halls were now truly dead and no longer walking. Zim let out a large laugh and Red couldn't help but join in. This was the most fun that he's had since he was an irken elite. He didn't ever get the personal honors to blow something up like that.

"Oh, this is amazing!" Red exclaimed, extending his arm to bring Zim in closer. "Did you see that? It's completely destroyed now!"

Zim let out a quick yelp as Red brought him in. Though, he couldn't help but smile. "I'm glad that you are pleased, Red. I didn't realize that you would be so excited. I assumed you've seen explosions that are at least ten times the magnitude of this one."

"Yeah, but I don't get to set them off," Red said, starting to act a bit childish. "When you're stuck on that blasted ship for so long, you wonder what it's like to actually do something yourself. You have no idea how excited I am right now." He brought Zim into his chest.

Zim hit with an oof, but then rested it gently on his chest. "I'm happy that you're happy, my Tallest. I don't believe I have ever seen you this elated before. It makes me want to do it some more. Maybe blow something up with so much more mass just to make you proud of Zim! I can offer it to you with a billion snacks."

Red looked down at Zim, smirking all the while. "I would like that a lot. You're really loyal, aren't you Zim?"

Zim put his hands on his hips proudly. "I am loyal to only the best irkens in this galaxy. I don't see why I wouldn't be to someone of your magnitude, Red. You're extra special in Zim's heart."

"Good answer," Red said, maintaining his sturdy poise. He went down onto one knee and brought Zim's head up. They got their lips leveled together before they were eventually connected. This kiss was a whole lot different than it was before. This time they were both prepared for it, and this time it seemed like they both enjoyed it. Eventually, Red ended the kiss, the spark still going even after their lips stopped touching. "How was that now? Was it still gross?"

Zim put a hand behind his head. It was clear that there a slight dark green blush going across his face, even in the darkness. "Perhaps it isn't as gross as I first thought it would be. I would be… okay with doing it again if you don't mine, Red. It was perhaps… decent."

"You look so cute when you're flustered," Red said, chuckling. He knew that would make Zim upset, but he couldn't help himself.

Zim let out a half-growl. "Zim is not cute."

Red backed-off a bit. "Alright. I'm just messing with you."

Zim looked back up at Red's face, frowning a bit. It was an innocent face that even Red has never seen before. "So… what do you want to do now? I can grab more detonators and we can destroy more stuff while the night is still upon us."

"Maybe later," Red said. "I think we've done enough damage. I want to get here early enough to see what the humans think of their newfound building. I want to see the look on their faces as they think of another place to shop for their precious goods."

Zim let out a soft laugh, which for him, wasn't that soft. "Oh, yes, Red," Zim exclaimed. "That sounds like a brilliant plan. I always enjoy the insolence of human stupidity. They won't know what hit them and they'll struggle to develop a solution to their problem. I love it."

"Me, too," Red said. "Now, let's go back to your base. You said that you were cooking pastries and I'm pretty sure that I want to start eating them."

Zim looked up at Red, pleased. "Oh, they are most delicious, Red. I have been practicing my baking skills by developing irken-human techniques. I think you'll be delighted by how great they taste."

"I look forward to it," Red said with a faint smile.|||

Red and Zim returned to Zim's base and decided to sleep it off. Red saw no need in sleeping in the same bed as Zim, so Zim offered Red his own bed while he slept on the couch. As Red laid his head down on the pillow, he contemplated on what had happened that day. Only earlier that week, he was on the Massive, and now he was here. He had just kissed Zim twice in one day and was feeling a sense of… pleasure with Zim.

"That's a lot to take in," Red whispered to himself as he turned himself on the bed. He found himself constantly fidgeting in the middle of the night. 'What would the Brains think of what I'm doing?' Red thought to himself. 'What would Purple think of me? Especially after the conversation we had before I left… he would probably think I went nuts. Got defective like Zim.'

Red tried to sleep it off. Other than all of the negative thoughts, he was actually a bit happy. He felt especially rebellious with the thought of going against the Irken Empire for once instead of enforcing the many intense rules. That's when he realized how many rules that there were. He felt like he was breaking so many… though his entire life was surrounded by rules. Rules that were meant to be broken.

Red immediately felt better after thinking that. He considered himself to be somewhat righteous for making that realization. When he returned to the Armada, perhaps he could lighten his rule on certain aspects. Maybe throw one or two less irkens out of the ship every day for even defying the smallest of rules.

The following morning, Red woke up early to the smell of sweet pastries. He wondered if it was the same smell from Zim's cooking yesterday, but these ones smelled entirely fresh. He climbed out of bed and put on his casual irken clothing, a tight red shirt and rubber pants, before riding the elevator down to the ground floor.

The scents grew more and they almost swept Red off of his feet. He was used to the common and bland cooking from the Armada that he almost forgot that there was any other types of food in existence.

Red made it around the dark house. A single light was on and there was no sunlight shining in since it was still very dark outside. He entered the kitchen and noticed Zim on top of his counter as he tried desperately to reach some flour on the top shelf. Since Red was much taller, he managed to grab it with ease and handed it to Zim.

"Oh, thank you, Red," Zim said as he struggled to climb down from the counter. "I'm sorry, did I wake you from your sleep with the scents of my tasty pastries? I wanted to get a head start since we wanted to see the reaction of the destruction we did."

Red shook his head. "Yeah, they did wake me up, but I don't mind. You ought to know that I don't sleep much to begin with. Being a Tallest basically any form of regular sleep schedule."

Zim nodded before bringing himself back to the stove. He took the muffins out of the oven and placed them on the counter. "I can understand that, Red. You have very important duties to deal with and many annoying irkens to do them with. I'm sure it must keep you up at night."

"Trust me, it does," Red said. 'Even with you sometimes,' Red thought to himself, though there was no way that he would actually say that out loud. He eyed the muffins and was tempted to grab them, but knew better. He knew what intense heat felt like before: a muffin straight out of the oven. So he decided to wait patiently while talking with Zim about something unimportant. He wasn't really paying attention, because there was a strange siren going on in the background.

His ears perked up as it got louder and louder and colors of red and blue flashed through Zim's windows before eventually fading away into the distance. "What was that?" Red asked.

"Human police services," Zim said as he pulled out the last batch of muffins. "I've never had any trouble with the likes of them. They are no stronger than the weakest irken elite and they have served no purpose in actually protecting their blessed planet."

"I see," Red said. "I didn't expect much from pathetic humans."

"And you shouldn't," Zim said. "And now that I think about it, since there are sirens, then there must be trouble. It could be that our damage was discovered."

"Are you certain about that?" Red asked.

Zim shrugged. "No, but I always like to follow the sirens. See what the humans are up to. It is one of the main ways that an invader studies its prey, right?"

Red nodded. "I guess you're right. So… follow the police?"

"Follow the piece," Zim said. "GIR! Put on your doggy disguise. We are departing at once!"

GIR came running in. He was already in his disguise. He may have been stupid, but at least he had some sense of loyalty. "I dreamt that I was in a biiiiig 'ol lollipop. It was tasty."

"SIR units can dream?" Red asked.

"Don't listen to him… you should know very well of his… intelligence. In fact, I'm still waiting to see how… advanced this unit is, as you said."

Red blinked. "Oh, it's advanced alright. It has advanced stupidity."

Zim let out a small, delighted laugh. "Oh, Red. You can be so funny. Let's go." Zim started marching out of the house and Red and GIR followed closely behind.

Red went to Zim's side as they walked to where the sirens were still blaring and the lights were still going. It wasn't very far and it was clearly in the direction of the mall, so Red and Zim felt confident that their dirty work paid off.

Red looked at Zim for a moment and then finally asked, "Can I ask you something out of curiosity?"

"Of course," Zim said. "What are you curious about?"

"You've been on Earth for a long time," Red said. "Do you… like it here or something? Or have your plans been legitimately failing all of this time?"

Zim looked down, connecting his hands together. "Zim has been trying his best," he said. "But I will admit that I have gotten nicely acquainted with some of the human culture and it might be strange if I went back to Irk right away."

"… Interesting answer," Red said. "I always had the fear that if I sent an invader away, that he might get adapted to the culture of the planet that they were trying to invade and just end up staying there. I feared that of Invader Larb on Vort. He surprised Purple and I in the end."

"An invader getting adapted to a planet that had plenty of military defense and offense," Zim said. "I can see how that could backfire."

Red nodded. "So, if given the option, would you stay here or would you return to Irk?"

"I would attempt to finish my mission and conquer the Earth for you," Zim said.

Red really wanted to say to Zim that his entire mission was a lie and that he'd be wasting his time, because there would be no way that Red could possibly convince Purple to allow Zim the privilege. What could he say without revealing his true intentions? "Good answer," he eventually said.

The two of them remained silent until they reached the mall, which was surrounded by bright lights and people in several different uniforms. Zim and Red blended in the environment and tried to hear as many details as they could.

One cop said, "The mall night guard was caught in the blast. I don't think he survived." This made Zim smirk. 'Serves him right,' he said.

Another cop sniffed the air and covered his air. "Rumor has it that there are a bunch of zombies in this mall. The crazy night guard was trying to make an army or somethin'." The rumor remained a rumor until eventually a few firemen dragged out a few zombie-like creatures from the wreckage. Many of them were in several pieces and there was no way that they would be reanimated. Seeing this made a couple of the cops incredible uncomfortable and one nearly vomited. Rumor confirmed.

Zim and Red felt so pleased with their dirty work and they wanted to stick around to hear some of the other findings. But then one of the cops walked over to their hiding spot and said, "What are you two snickering about?"

"Oh… nothing," Red said. "We're checking out the damage."

"Yes, yes. The damage. It is saddening to hear of the loss of the crazy lunatic guard that worked in there," he lied. "He'll be missed."

"Yeah, yeah," the cop said. "Why don't you two beat it? We're trying to investigate and we don't want any onlookers."

Red's leadership instincts kicked in and he crossed his arms. "I don't think I like your tone with us. We can watch if we want to watch."

The cop grabbed his baton and waved it in front of Red and Zim.

Since Red and Zim were in disguise, they couldn't afford to fight the cop in front of other policemen. They backed-off and said, "Or we can leave." They then left the scene.

"Geez. On Irk, people were invited to check out the wreckage," Red said. "Where's the fun of telling people to 'beat it'?"

"They're more concerned with who did it than the entertainment," Zim said.

"Should we be concerned with that?" Red asked.

"No," Zim said. "These humans are too stupid to understand anything about evidence. Besides, all of the cameras were destroyed from the blast."

Red nodded as they walked back to Zim's base. When they returned, they were a bit concerned because there was a figure on Zim's lawn. He was sitting on one of the gnomes. Since it was so dark, Red and Zim barely saw who it was until they reached the fence.

"Purple?" Red asked, his voice quivering a bit. This was call for concern.