My nineteenth birthday came quickly, I woke up as it being the best day of my life yet I went to sleep as it one of the worst. We didn't have a show that day because we had just arrived at a small, quaint town in which we were to perform the next day.
I didn't sleep that night, as always when it was my birthday a childish trait I know but birthdays were always fun for me. I had waited obediently, albeit impatiently for the green numbers on my alarm clock to change to 00:00 then I tip-toed, in my stripy pyjama pants and old white t-shirt from my father and me's caravan and ran to Teresa and Madame Losaline's and banged on the window I knew that underneath on the inside was Teresa.
"Karate Girl." I asked in whisper through the thin walls. The name never changed until we truly started dating when it was changed for cute nicknames that she hated and I teased.
After a few minutes on waiting for her to wake up she crept outside wearing a silk nightgown and her leather jacket, a very fetching outfit I must say.
"What do you want, Psychic Boy?" She asked sleepily.
"It's my birthday." I announce proudly.
"Happy Birthday, can I go back to sleep now?" She yawned.
"No, we have to go." I say, grabbing her by the wrist and weaving through all the parked caravans to the main road. I will admit, this was becoming a thing for me, no explaining just taking her hand and running of course I made sure she had shoes on this time.
"Where are we going?" She asks, as we wait at the side of the road for the lone car to pass.
"Into town, I always do this on my birthday if we're in someplace new. I wanted you to come with me this time." I reply.
"Why couldn't you have taken 'Dear Angie' I'm sure she would love to go on a midnight trek with you."
I wince at her words, don't get me wrong Angela Ruskin was a lovely girl. Her family had just joined the carnival and she was pretty much deemed the carnival princess. She had long blonde curls down to her waist, a perfect complexion, tanned skin and enchanting blue eyes and she was so very interested in me, I had been interested in her when she first came, she was a month younger than me and I, well we, had flirted shamelessly her first few hours until I saw Teresa watching us, I couldn't help but feel guilty like I had some sort of loyalty to the now early eighteen year old girl.
"I would have but I wanted to bring my favourite girl with me, you know my moody best friend." I joked, I realise now that that voice inside my head telling me that I wanted more meant I didn't want a moody best friend, more a girlfriend, moody or not.
"Moody?" She repeated, looking at me, feigning anger.
"And beautiful." I wink, wrapping my arms around her now shivering form.
"Suck up." She grinned, allowing me to keep my arms around her even as we walked into the dark empty town. We wander aimlessly for a while, walking through the main street which is empty and ghost-like.
I pull her into a 24hour convenience store and start to scan the shelves. The two people watched us, sleepily making sure the two pyjama clad people didn't steal anything or create havoc- me? Never. I learned the first time.- it's a girl and a boy, their sitting at either side of the till, as far away from each other as they can be in the small space, they occasionally look at each other and I can't help but think they are involved in some way, intimately. I pick up a bag of Gummy Bears, knowing she loves them and make my way to the counter, I pull a note out of my pocket and hand it over to the girl, she rubs her eyes and robotically puts the note in the till and hands me my change. I stuff it into my pocket and nod my thanks to them, I want to say more, tell her he wants her, tell her he dreams about her all the time but I hold my tongue, the guy looks scary, rugged and brutal.
As we walk out of the shop I open the packet and tip some out onto my hand, gesturing for her to take them.
"Thanks." She nods, taking them and popping one into her mouth.
"We need to find a park."
"Why?" She asks, walking quicker to catch up with me.
"That's what all the cool kids do."
"The cool kids, huh?" She laughs.
"Yeah I overheard this group of people our age and they were organising to go to a park and the shops."
"At midnight?" She asks, the sarcasm in her voice not going unnoticed by me.
"Well, no. But our way is so much more fun."
"But we're in pyjamas." She stated, nervously pulling her nightgown down.
"And?" I ask, looking back at her as she hurried to catch up with me. "It's my birthday, this is fun."
She rolled her eyes at me and we kept on walking down that little street, walking through alleys until we found a tiny, rundown park.
She sat on the swings as I climbed the chute, bending almost in half to stand on the ladder and keep my hands on the rails. To say I was too big for this would be an understatement. I heard her chuckles in the background as I found my way up the tiny ladder to sit myself at the top. It wasn't high up, in fact if I stood on the ground I was probably bigger than it but I still stopped to look around at the world around me. It was lit by a wavering streetlight standing old and alone in the corner of the park, it wasn't beautiful, wasn't a place I'd ever take my children but it was a park and I'd only ever been to three in my life, yeah sure you'll tell me I lived in a carnival, no need for a simple park when I had rollercoaster's for chutes, spinning teacups for a roundabout and a trapeze for a swing but I have always been fond of tradition, men in suits, women in dresses, old cars, children going to school, no divorce, days out as a family. Call me old fashioned, I don't care.
"On you go then." She calls, looking up at me from her seat on the swing she's rocking back and forward.
"Give me a minute, I'm admiring the world." I reply.
"What? The knocked down trees, the graffiti-ed walls, the alcohol bottles littering the church gardens, or the broken wings of the angel statue." She states, looking around at the imperfections of the little town.
"No, the deep blue of the sky, the brightness of the moon, the dew drops on the dark grass, the owls calling from their homes in the trees, the spinning weathervane dragon on the church tower and of course the angel on the swings." I wink; she sees it through the dark and laughs.
"Can you do anything besides flirt?" She asks.
"No, I am a ladies' man." I answer, letting myself slide down on the slide to join her on the ground.
"No kidding." I can tell that she rolls her eyes at me.
"I can make anyone fall in love with me."
"Really." She asks.
"You did." I nod, sitting on the swing beside her.
"I fell in love with you, did I?" She asks, looking at me in her usual "you're crazy, but please explain" look.
"Yes, that's why your here. At midnight, in a flimsy nightgown, sitting on a swing, in a town we've never been before."
"No, I'm here because I'm an idiot, and I knew if I didn't come you would continue to batter down the walls of the trailer." She states. Stretching her nightgown over her knees.
"True, but you're still here because you love me." I'm always right; she just had yet to learn.
"Keep telling yourself that." She nods.
"You just keep denying it then, I'm fine with that. But one day, something's going to happen and you'll fall into my arms."
"Yeah, you'll trip me up." She chuckles.
"Something big, something big will happen and you'll realise you love me."
"You just jinxed us now, something bad is gonna happen."
"No it won't, now come on, we have a whole park. You can't just stay on the swings."
"Yes I can, I like the swings." She says childishly.
"Fine, we'll race. Who can get the highest."
"That's babyish."
"We're almost twenty and we're in a park." I point out.
"Fine." She agrees. Pushing back on the swing till she was only touching the floor with her toes.
"Go." I nod, throwing myself forward, less than gracefully and with the enthusiasm of a four year old.
After she won twice-obviously because she's smaller and lighter- we left the park and walked through the small woods at the back, it was extremely over-grown so it snagged our clothes and tore at our bare flesh. She walked through it showing no signs of pain while I hobbled behind her. She had wanted to go through the woods, said it reminded her of the woods she used to live in front of, which is the same woods she brought her brothers into any time her father got violent which I didn't know yet but did later. She stopped at what looked like the biggest tree and once I joined her she started to climb up, even in a dress she did so much better than I did. She sat on a branch, high above me while I stumbled and slid up the tree, she laughed but helped me, telling me where to put my hands and feet, telling me not to look down and eventually pulling me up onto the branch where she sat.
"Monkey-karate girl." I state, looking down nervously.
"Scared-psychic boy." She counters, placing her hand over mine as she notices my near heart attack as I see how high up we are.
I gulp and close my eyes, thinking of happier things, things on earth.
"So when do you head back after your little escapes to the little towns on your birthday." She asks.
"When the sun comes up. I usually find a place to sleep, then head back just before 6 when the carnival gets up." I answer, looking at her and avoiding looking down.
"How do you find a place to sleep?" She asks, stroking my hand with her thumb, I don't know if she notices but I happily keep quiet.
"Benches, shelters, shopping centres, train station waiting rooms, one time an old lady's couch." I shrug, the old lady had found me on the streets and hustled me into her house, feeding me a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits before settling me down on the couch in a pair of her husband's old pyjamas.
"So where do we sleep tonight?" She asks, pulling down her skirt for the fifth time.
"I wanted to do this on your birthday, but I didn't have enough at the time so I decided to wait until mine so tonight we sleep in a bed and breakfast, in a proper bed." I nod, fishing the wad of bills hidden in my pocket.
"No, that's a lot of money. You should save it for something else. Like getting out of the carnival when you're old enough or buying a ridiculously expensive car." She said, shaking her head.
"But I want to do this." I say, I've planned it for long enough. I had it planned since the day I met her.
"No, I can't let you. We'll go back to the carnival and then we can grab our blankets and sleep outside." She suggests.
"Fine, but one day I'll drag you to a bed and breakfast at midnight." I promise.
"Fine." She laughs.
"Now how do we get down?" I ask, clinging to the branch, we're perched on.
-Carnie-Life-
We walk slowly back to the carnival, my heart still thudding from the fear of getting down the tree. We're holding hands, a very subtle move I initiated and she obliged and as we cross the road to the land the carnival is set on we are greeted by the thick smell of burning gas and smoke. As we picked up the pace, we can see flames engulfing a caravan. All that time we were running I had a niggling feeling that I knew which caravan but all that time I had hoped it wouldn't be. We stood alongside a growing group of carnies as we watched the men try to calm the raging fire. She clutches my hand tightly as she realises what I've known for the last few moments. It was her caravan.
I had scanned the crowds for signs of Madame Losaline but I couldn't find her.
I've always hated fire after that.
The next day police were wandering amongst us, I stayed in bed that day with Teresa, nothing more than lying together watching through the windows as a body was taken through the crowds, as people processed the singed remains of a caravan and as outsiders watched intently like it was a T.V show. After telling the men last night than Teresa was out, it was a breath of relief, a short rapid breath of tiny relief for it meant that not two had died but one. I knew who had started the fire, the gipsy-haters who thought we were nothing but gypsies living illegally, the ones who thought we deserved to die because of how we lived. We had met many of them being in a carnival and we had heard stories of other carnivals being chased out of town by the group but we'd never really experienced it. I thought these people were fine, hate is fine but when someone hates you so much they just want to kill you its a little unnerving. My dad unwillingly let Teresa stay in our caravan; he scarcely stayed in it anyway, always at the Smith brothers' caravan for a drink and a game of poker, or at a woman's caravan. So I knew me and Teresa would have it for ourselves. After watching the careless coroner's assistant pull Madame Losaline's body into the van I got up, deciding I couldn't watch anymore. I stalked over to the kitchenette and pulled out the bowl from the cupboard and the pan that hung from the nail that was hammered into the cracking tile. She joined me as I added the eggs and stood behind me, standing on her tiptoes to see over my shoulder. I violently cracked the egg against the side of the bowl and I could feel her flinch behind me.
"Are you okay?" She asks, I can picture her with that worried line between her eyebrows and the natural pout that she wears when she's worried.
"It could have been you." I reply.
"I know, but you saved me. You saved me without even knowing." She smiled, putting a hand on my shoulder, she was shivering, I could see the goose bumps on her arms. She was only wearing the nightgown now, the only piece of clothing she had left.
I turn around for I can't think of any words to say and hug her tightly, in time she would tell me she was lucky to get out of the embrace alive but right now she just wraps her arms around me too.
"You know, that big event." She starts. "The one you said would make me realise I love you."
I nod and smile knowing the next lines.
"I think I might be starting to follow that path." She smiles, kissing me on the cheek. I smile and turn back to the eggs in a bowl; I add flour and milk to the eggs, grinning like a fool. For lunch we had pancakes and strawberries. My favourite meal ever since.
After we ate, I drag her back to the town to get clothes, the show has been cancelled so we have all the time we need. There's only second hand stores which I'm a little disappointed in but she doesn't mind at all, I knew she wasn't a girly girl who was into shopping and make-up since she came in her old worn jeans, leather jacket, work boots and a plain red t-shirt. At first she doesn't let me buy anything for her, insisting I keep my money for myself but my arrogance and stubbornness kick in and she gives up reluctantly. We came away with jeans for each of us, a green top for her after I insisted she should only buy green because it matches her eyes, a green dress I bought when she wasn't looking, a three piece suit I grew fond of-she teased me for looking like a granddad- brown loafers and a gymnastic leotard in green that she needed for practise. Not that she has anything to practise now. In the evening there is a meeting of the higher-uppers at the carnival due to idle curiosity we go and listen.
"What about the horses?" Ted, the clown- yes a clown can be carnival royalty- asked.
"They're getting sent back to her daughter in Iowa, Grace I think her name was. Organized for them to be shipped back to their farm." Holly, the ringmaster's wife reports.
"What about the girl Madame Losaline looked after? Losa said she was never to be kicked out of the circus." Joel, the ringmaster reminded.
"Last I heard she was staying with Patrick and his father." Holly shrugged.
"We need a new act, Madame Losaline's trick ponies are no more." Joel mentioned, scribbling on a notebook.
"The only ones that can do it are the Smith brothers', Evan and Patrick Jane, The Ruskins, Hetty and Carly, The Knife and Madame Losaline's girl." The clown adds, flicking through sheets of paper.
"I'm not putting the Smith Brothers' on another one; the drunken idiots are close to being kicked." Holly states, making a slashing motion over her neck.
"Hetty and Carly would take too much to set up, so would the Knife so close them." Joel nodded.
"The Ruskin's daughter would be a nice add, she's a real stunner." Joel added.
"Her and Patrick would be a good spot, the princess and the prince." Holly suggested.
"I like that, Evan's barely standing on his feet by the end of the show so giving him another one would be suicide and the Ruskins already have their act. But what do we do with Losa's girl?" Holly asks.
"Backstage assistant, ticket stall, food stall, she might come in useful someday." Ted shakes his head.
"Why'd Losa keep her?" Holly asked.
"Never said." Ted shrugged.
Meanwhile we're sitting with our ears to the outer walls of the caravan, silently talking with our eyes.