Alone, I walk these streets. Smiling and laughing faces pass me by, not giving even a passing glance…
I wondered if they could see me…
Ha, maybe I didn't even need the Shinrabanshou to erase my existence. Maybe I'd just die off, become forgotten. It would be like I never had lived in this world to begin with. I was fine with that.
I regretted not having made that decision before it was too late. Before I got him involved. Before I got him killed. Rather, before I killed him myself.
Quickly, I apologized to him mentally, hoping to stray from the subject. I couldn't bare to remember him, to think about him. It brought upon sorrow and guilt.
I often come to the conclusion that I am being tortured. That I'm not allowed to die, that I'm forced to live with the sorrow and guilt, to remember my sin.
When he was alive… I actually wished to live for a little longer. Just to stay by his side, to feel his warmth. It was him who made me want to live, and it was him who made me not want to live.
I was no longer afraid of death. I welcomed it with open arms, because living now was cruel.
I slowly make my way through the crowds, completely un-noticed. He would have noticed me. He would have cared, and he would have held me in his small, warm arms.
I realized how lonely I am. It wasn't the same loneliness as before he came. That time, I was forced into loneliness. Now, I'm the one who caused my own loneliness. How I regretted it every day. The memory of him, taunting and cursing me.
Miharu…
Aloud, I let myself whisper his name into the darkness of the night. It feels strange. I haven't said it in so long. And I start crying silently. Tears and tears and tears. Nobody notices. Nobody ever notices.
And now, as I live on, all I want is my most precious person back, and to die.