Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Liara had heard that the Commander was back on board. The rumour mill around the ship had it that Shepard had been grounded and that the Normandy was in lockdown.
"She'll be none too happy about that," Liara said to herself.
"Damn straight," came a reply to her right. "More than likely she's chewing the leather off her boots right about now."
Liara looked up. Chief Williams was standing beside her.
"Chief," Liara said, startled. "I didn't hear you come in." She had never liked the woman's ability to sneak up on her.
Williams smirked. "Sorry if I gave you a start, Doctor," she said, not sounding sorry at all.
The Chief prided herself on her ability to catch people unawares and Liara was her favourite. She always managed to have this startled look on her face, as if she had been caught doing something she shouldn't.
Like the Commander, Williams thought to herself.
Noticing the self-satisfied smirk on her face, Liara stood up. Unlike Shepard, Ashley was roughly the same height as Liara — but that was where the similarities ended. All that aside, the asari counted the young marine among her friends. She just wished that she would stop sneaking up on her.
"What do you mean, chewing the leather off her own boots?" Human expressions always confused her, and Ashley had a ton of them, which she used to colour her speech — when she couldn't find an acceptable swear word, that was.
"I don't think Sulien —" she coloured at her use of the Commander's name, "— would eat her own footwear, no matter how dire the situation."
"Sulien, eh?" the Chief arched her eyebrow at Liara. "Bit informal," she commented. "Anyways, it's a turn of phrase. Basically, Doctor, the Commander is furious. Everyone is avoiding her."
"Where is she, Chief?" Liara asked, concerned about Shepard.
"Sitting on the deck on the second floor, in front of her locker." Ashley looked at Liara, noting the concern in her eyes. "We — and by that I mean me," she corrected when Liara gave her a strange look, "were wondering if you'd go talk to her."
"Why me?" Liara asked.
Williams looked at her. "Liara, I know there's something going on between the two of you."
"How?" Liara was genuinely confused. She wasn't even sure if there was something going on between them.
"Call it woman's intuition," Ashley replied easily. "Besides, you just called her Sulien. Nobody else aboard does that. Look," she said, sighing, "the Commander will just order me to get lost and I'll have to obey, whereas you can tell her to go stuff herself and make her talk." Ashley smiled, pleased with her plan.
"So, you are sending me to go 'tame the savage beast,'" Liara said, using one of the Commander's favourite sayings.
"Exactly, Doc. Exactly," Williams replied, patting the young asari on the shoulder.
Liara couldn't disagree with the plan. The Chief was right; she was the only person aboard the vessel now whom Shepard would listen to. She was actually the only person who would approach the Commander in her current humour. Sulien Shepard's temper was well known throughout the fleet, almost overshadowing her status as Hero of the Blitz, although it was Liara's private opinion that the two were not necessarily separate entities. Shepard got angry because people stood around staring at her instead of doing what she told them. Liara had never voiced this to anyone, let alone Shepard herself.
"Very well, Chief," she said making a move towards the door. "I will go speak with her."
Williams watched as the asari left the room. Strange pair, she mused.
She had in the beginning found the Commander to be somewhat aloof. Ashley wasn't used to that. On her previous posting, her CO had always been accessible and jovial. Capable soldiers, all of them, just more human than Shepard. She had found Shepard difficult to relate to and their conversations had been stilted and awkward. Of course, there was Shepard's reputation to contend with. What did one say to the Hero of the Blitz anyway? Williams supposed that she had been a bit star-struck and to be honest, she was a little overwhelmed to find herself on the Normandy with the first human Spectre fighting to save the galaxy, especially since six months ago she had been minding cargo transports for civilians.
But as time went on, she got to know the Commander a little better…and reading her personnel files had helped. She smiled a little at that. Alenko had nearly lost the plot when he found out. He threatened to write her up and tell the Commander. Williams had had to do a lot of smooth talking that day to calm him down. For days afterward she caught him frowning at her.
Williams appreciated the Commander's fighting style and the way she looked out for her team. She also began to realise that Shepard didn't want hero worship from her crew — she wanted soldiers ready to carry out her orders. Eventually Ashley realised that the woman was lonely and wanted friends. Gradually their conversations became less stilted and awkward, and Ashley discovered that the Commander had a huge amount of knowledge about weapons and armour and the two women spent many an hour arguing over the best way to upgrade their weaponry. Shepard never spoke about herself, but she did ask Ashley about her family. When she heard that her grandfather was General Williams, she didn't go all cold and formal with her like her previous COs. She had just said that everyone had to do what they had to do and that she respected her grandfather for his actions. He was in an impossible situation and he did a honourable thing.
It was at that moment that Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams vowed that she would follow Commander Sulien Shepard to the gates of hell if she asked her to.
Liara stepped into the elevator leading to the second deck. She knew exactly what Shepard was doing — looking for something to distract herself with. Sulien Shepard had spent her whole life looking for something to distract herself so that she wouldn't have to deal with the real issues.
And so far, Liara thought, she has done an excellent job.
Liara knew a lot about the Spectre's life, both from talking with her and from the Chief. With a little persuasion, she had been able to plant the idea of reading the Commander's personnel files in Chief Williams' head, and of course Williams had thought it her idea. But that was neither here nor there — Liara wasn't very proud of the fact that she had influenced the Chief in such a manner. Neither had Lt. Alenko, for that matter. Liara had overheard him speaking quite sternly to the Chief once he found out, threatening her with disciplinary action. Liara had to speak to him alone later that day and explain that it had been all her idea. Lt. Alenko hadn't been impressed, but he had let the matter drop…although Liara did catch him scowling at her on a regular basis after that.
Liara watched from the open elevator as the Commander drummed her fingers off the bulkhead. That was one thing that drove Liara mad and Shepard did it constantly. To make it worse, Shepard beat off-tempo, not quite keeping rhythm. It set Liara's nerves on edge. When she called Shepard on it, the Commander would stop, apologise, stretch out her long fingers and make a tight fist to stop her from moving her fingers. Their conversation would move on and Shepard would unconsciously begin doing it again. Liara had given up on trying to make her stop; she just accepted it as one of Shepard's quirks. She had even noticed Shepard doing it in the middle of battle, drumming her fingers against her armour or the butt of her assault rifle.
She remembered the first time that she had really noticed. It had been after Virmire, after Lt. Alenko's death.
That had hit Shepard pretty hard. After that mission at the de-briefing, Liara had to almost physically put herself between the Chief and the Commander. She had to divert the conversation back to the mission at hand and away from their grief and guilt, so she had talked about the cipher and asked Shepard about her contact with the second beacon. Shepard had been abrupt and snappish in her answers to the young asari and for one minute Liara thought that she was going to refuse to let her join her mind with hers. She could see the indecision in the Commander's eyes and Liara had done her best to reassure her, all the time pleading with her own eyes for the Commander to trust her. Eventually the Commander had agreed and the meld had both physically and emotionally drained them both. The Commander carried around so much pain and anger inside. Even with just her surface melding, that pain had seeped through and Liara could feel it.
And now she blames herself for Lt. Alenko, she had thought sadly to herself.
Liara could also sense something else — another emotion, almost a strong as the pain and guilt. That emotion was love and it frightened the Commander. That had startled the young asari; the Commander loved her and was afraid that if she showed her feelings that she would lose her.
She's afraid of me. Humans are so strange, Liara thought.
Liara had ended the mind link and looked with fresh eyes at the Commander. They both gazed at each other, the Commander acknowledging what the other had seen. Then the Commander broke eye contact with her and dismissed the team. Shepard had been the first to leave the briefing room, followed swiftly by the Chief.
Garrus stood up and looked at Liara. "They are going to kill each other," he commented. "You are aware of that?"
Curious, Liara looked at the turian. "What do you mean, Garrus?"
"Look at the two of them. They're both blaming themselves. The Chief thinks she should have been the one to die."
Even though she was aware of the Commander's emotions, Liara was alarmed. She didn't know the Chief as well as the Commander, but she suspected that they were cut from the same mould.
"I must go, Garrus. Please excuse me," she said hurriedly as she practically ran out of the briefing room in the direction of the Commander's quarters.
Garrus watched in amazement. He would never understand females. At that moment, he missed Wrex.
Reaching the door, Liara paused. What was she going to do? She keyed the door chime, but there was no answer.
The Commander has an open door policy. I suppose I could just go in, she thought.
Decision made, she opened the door and went into the Commander's quarters. They were sparsely decorated in the typical manner of a soldier, empty and devoid of warmth.
The quarters of someone who doesn't expect to be here long, Liara thought sadly.
It took a few seconds for her eyes to adjust to the low level of lighting in the room. She saw the Commander sitting on the bed, holding Ashley Williams in her arms. The Chief was crying her heart out and the Commander was just letting her. Shepard looked up, sensing another presence in the room. Seeing that it was Liara, she smiled sadly and shook her head. Liara nodded and left the two alone.
Liara was dealing with her own demons with regards to Lt. Alenko. He had been (at least in Liara's mind) her main rival for Shepard's affections. The two had never been close and always regarded each other with suspicion.
Once, she had watched the Lieutenant and the Commander while they were deep in conversation. She had seen the way Shepard laughed lightly at something he had said, touching his arm in the process. Liara had been so jealous.
Jealousy was not something she was used to, and the emotion completely caught her by surprise. But as soon as she saw the Commander pat Alenko on the arm, promising him that they would talk later, her blood boiled.
She saw the way that Alenko watched the Commander go and she had marched right up to him.
"Lt. Alenko, may I ask what it was you and the Commander were discussing?" she asked, a hard edge to her voice.
Alenko had been taken aback by the vehemence in Liara's voice. Normally, Liara was reserved and soft spoken. But apparently when it came to Shepard, the gloves were off.
"We were discussing the last mission, Dr." he replied mildly, a little annoyed at Liara's tone.
"You are lying to me," her voice rising a little, " you can not look me straight in the eye as you speak to me" she said angrily.
It was true. Liara was very good at reading people; it was a trait, which she had picked up from her mother. When she was younger, she used to sit in on her mother's meetings, after which Benezia would ask her what she thought of the others who had been present. Liara had learned very quickly to pick out those who were less than truthful.
Kaidan was beginning to get more than a little angry at this line of questioning.
"You know what, Liara," he said lowering his voice to a bare whisper, " it's none of your business, what the Commander and I were just discussing," the asari was mere inches from his face, " Now go away and let me get on with my duties," he said raising his own voice.
He loves Shepard, she thought, it's so obvious, a second thought occurred to her, what if she loves him back.
Further enraged at this thought, she had sought Shepard in her quarters. Without even knocking, she barged into the Commanders quarters. Barely even registering what Shepard was doing, she launched her verbal attack.
"What in the name of the Goddess are you playing at, Shepard?" she demanded.
Shepard had been lying on her bunk when Liara had entered. Sitting up on the side of the bed she looked at the asari.
"What is the meaning of this," she demanded, "you can't just barge in here and speak to me like this," she gestured her hand around the room, " these are my private quarters, how dare you!"
Shepard stood up and made to grab Liara and escort her out, but Liara shook off the Commanders hand.
"How dare I," Liara yelled, " how dare I," she repeated, a little louder, " when it is you who is making a fool out of me"
Shepard was getting really angry with the woman in front of her, she could feel her control slipping. She clinched her fist tightly together in an attempt to still herself and control her rising anger.
Liara was physically shaking; such was her anger at Shepard.
" You string me along, make me think that you and I have a chance and all along you were doing the same thing with Alenko" she said the anger and pain apparent in her shaking voice, " you have made a fool out of me"
Liara could sense the rage building within the woman in front of her.
"You toy with my emotions," she continued, her words cutting to the very core of Shepard's being,
"I am not here for you and Alenko's amusement, Commander"
Shepard could here the jealously in Liara's voice when she said Alenko's name. Liara continued to verbally assault the Commander.
"Or is it, a case of you are playing both sides of the fence, seeing which of us will bite first."
That was it; the Commander couldn't take it anymore. She grabbed the asari's shoulders with her hands and shook her violently.
"Is that what you think?" she yelled into her face. "Is it?" she demanded shaking her again.
Seeing the frightened look on Liara's face, all the anger went out of Sulien. She just looked at Liara.
"Is that what you really think?" she asked again, more calmly.
Liara looked into her green eyes, she could see the hurt and pain in them.
Hurt and pain, which I have caused, she thought. Liara felt her own anger fade as she watched Sulien, by the Goddess, what am I doing? She asked herself.
She put her hand on Shepard's, firstly in an attempt to calm the other woman and secondly in an attempt to reassure herself.
"I just saw you with the Lieutenant outside and something just snapped within me" she replied
"There is nothing between the Lt and I," Shepard said plainly, "he is a L2, just as I am" she explained, " I was asking him what he took for his headaches"
"Why did he not tell me this?" Liara asked, her own anger subsiding further.
Shepard looked at Liara, "maybe because it was none of your business" she said a little of the anger she had felt returning.
Liara hung her head, suddenly ashamed of what she had done.
"I am sorry for my outburst, Commander," she paused, never taking her eyes from the deck, " I do not know what came over me" she mumbled.
Shepard could still feel the blood roaring in her ears and her heart hammering against her chest, but her anger was gone, replaced by a deep regret. Tentatively she placed her arms around the woman in front of her, not quiet sure what she was doing and feeling more than a little self-conscious, she patted the other woman gently on the back. Liara leaned in against the other woman placing her head upon her Shepard's shoulder.
"Forgive me Sulien," she whispered.
Shepard tightened her grip around the other woman and pulled her closer.
What am I doing, her mind screamed, but she couldn't help herself, she longed to be close to the asari, you can't do this, your the Commander, these people rely on you, don't do this, she thought frantically.
She laid her head on top of the asari's.
"It is I who should ask forgiveness," she said quietly, " I did not mean to make you feel this way, nor did I mean to lose my temper"
It had been many years since Shepard had lost her control in such a manner; she hadn't become so openly angry since she joined the alliance.
She gets past all my defences, she thought, see right past my facade.
She inhaled deeply; breathing in the asari's sent, relishing the feel of the other woman against her.
She brings out the best and the worst in me.
She held Liara at arms length from her and looked at her critically.
"Have I injured you?" Shepard asked, the worry plainly evident in her voice.
Liara shook her head and she smiled at little.
"No, I am well, we asari are a lot tougher than we look," again she looked at the deck, "I did not mean to make you so angry"
"The fault is mine, I should have more control" the Commander replied, " there is no excuse for my behaviour and I cannot apologise enough," Shepard took a deep breath, "I will understand if you want to report me"
Liara laughed at this, "report you," she said, " how would I go about that," she asked, " excuse me Admiral," she began adopting her most officious voice, " but I would like to lay a charge against Commander Shepard, you see Sir," she continued, " I went to her quarters in a jealous rage, accused her of breaking regulations and having a relationship with one of her senior officers, I then proceeded to verbally abuse and yell at her, despite her attempt to remove me from her quarters, oh did I mention that I barged in while she was resting?" she looked at Shepard and was pleased to see the slight smirk on her face, " are you sure that it is not you who wants to report me?" she finished.
Shepard shook her head, " you never answered my question," was all she said.
Liara looked confused and then she remembered.
Is that what I think?
She remembered the look of anger on Shepard's face as she had yelled the question at her.
They must of heard us arguing all the way up on the command deck, she thought absentmindly.
"Well?" Shepard asked somewhat fearfully.
Liara looked closely at the other woman, she could see the hesitation in her eyes.
She doesn't really want to know the answer, she's afraid. How can such an intelligent woman be so blind, she asked herself, the same way you can, she answered herself.
"I think that is something of a rhetorical question now, don't you Commander?" she replied lightly.
Liara saw the surprise in Shepard's' eyes at her response and she saw the half smile which the Commander gave her.
Liara wrapped her arms around Shepard and pulled her close, squeezing her into a hug. Somewhat surprised with the sudden gesture, Shepard awkardly returned the embrace. Several minutes passed, as the two stood like this, each wrapped in the others arms in the half-light of the Commanders quarters.
Finally, Shepard broke the embrace and took a step away from the asari.
Why did I let her do that? Why did I respond? I am leading her on. I can't do this, she thought frantically.
"I should let you go," she said, "I'm sure your very busy," Shepard took another step back, putting space between herself and Liara.
Liara watched the Commander retreat both mentally and physically.
Ah, two steps forward, three steps back, she thought, but she honoured the Commanders decision and was aware that Shepard was giving her an opportunity to leave without a being dismissed.
Liara nodded, " as must you be" she inclined her head towards the Commander, " again my apologies for my behaviour" and she left the CO quarters.
Liara had seen Lt. Alenko as she had exited the Commander's quarters, tired and emotionally drained. She couldn't bring herself to speak to him. After that, there never seemed to be the right time, they were always so busy, racing around the galaxy from one planet to another, defying the odds again and again. But Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko was dead now and she never got the chance to say she was sorry.
Now, watching Sulien by the lockers, she wondered if the drumming was something, which she had started since Virmire.
"What am I going to say to her?" she asked the empty elevator.
Admittedly, she wasn't looking forward to this exchange with the Commander. She had seen Sulien angry. She remembered that day that Shepard had rescued her from Therum — her voice when she refused to hand Liara over and the coldness in her eyes as she faced off against the Krogan. She had shot him straight between the eyes with her pistol. The man didn't even have time to activate his shields. The whole building began to fall around them and they began the crazy, heart-stopping rush to get out before it became their grave.
Liara had begun to lag behind, weakened by her enforced incarceration, but a hand grabbed hers and pulled her along with force and determination. It wasn't until they had cleared the ruins that she had realised that it had been the Commander. That same Commander who was now sitting by her locker staring into space.
Stepping out of the elevator, she was walked towards the woman who was the centre of her world. The Commander was dejectedly slumped against her locker.
I wonder what's she's thinking, Liara thought, as she saw a faint smile ghost across Shepard's face.
She watched, fascinated, as Shepard absently ran her hand along the faint scar on her jaw line. Liara had noticed that she did that when she was thinking.
Once, during one of their many conversations, Liara had asked her how she had gotten that particular scar. She already had a fair enough idea, but she was curious to hear what the Commander would say. When Liara asked, Sulien had looked at her very closely. Her eyes took on a dark look and she had asked Liara if she really wanted to know.
"These are not scars from some childhood accident, Liara," Shepard had said.
"Please, Commander, I have told you many things about my life and yet I know nothing of yours," Liara replied quietly.
"My past is not something which makes for easy listening," the Commander said. "My life has not been easy or blessed like yours." She looked at the asari and seemed to make a decision. "Very well, I shall tell you," she decided. "But you can't speak of it. This is very personal and I haven't told anyone."
Liara nodded, aware of the amount of trust that the other woman was putting in her and amazed that the other woman would honour her so. "You have my solemn vow, Commander."
"Thank you." She sat down on an empty space on Liara's desk and folded her arms across her chest. "I am, as most people know, a survivor of the slavers' raid on Mindor. I hid when they came. I was fifteen years old, but just a child in many ways. I had no knowledge of weapons or fighting, so when my father told me to hide, I did."
She was watching Liara to see what her reaction would be. Liara just nodded, urging her to continue.
"I honestly didn't believe that any harm would come to us, that we would be safe and that my father would protect us." The Commander shook her head at the memory. "I was very young back then. I sometimes wonder if I'm the same person. Anyway, that notion was short-lived. They murdered both my parents…my father right in front of me."
"They didn't know you were there, did they?" Liara asked quietly.
"No," Shepard replied. "I hid under the bookcase in my father's office like I did when I was a kid. They stabbed my father through the heart. He fell right in front of the case. I was the last person he saw before he died. There was so much blood," she said, "it pooled underneath the case."
Sulien cleared her throat before continuing. "Ironically, it was because of the way my father had fallen that they didn't find me. They thrashed the place and took everything of value. I could hear them outside, rounding up my neighbours and taking them away, shooting some in the process. And all the time, they laughed while they did it."
She paused and looked at Liara.
"Please go on," was all she said, sensing that there was a lot more to the story.
"I spent three days under that bookcase. Three days in my father's blood, looking at his cold dead face. It was hell. Then the Alliance arrived and found me. They took me back to their ship and cleaned me up. I don't remember much, to be honest." Shepard shook her head. "Guess I was shell-shocked."
She laughed a little at this, the notion of her being shell-shocked seemed to amuse her.
"Anyway, they found out that I had an aunt on Earth, so they sent me to live with her. She was my mother's sister. I had never met her. She and my mother had a falling out several years before I was born and the two hadn't spoken since. So there I was, on Earth with a woman I didn't know and who hated me."
"How did you know she hated you, Commander?" Liara asked.
Shepard smiled. "She told me, Liara. She said I was nothing but a waste of space and that it would have been better for everyone, especially her, if I had just died on Mindor."
"How cruel to say that to a child…"
"Maybe she was right," the Commander said. "I was tough-going, damaged by what had happened, driven crazy by grief and guilt. I got into trouble constantly, always fighting, getting suspended from school, in trouble with the police…"
Liara tried to imagine the Commander like this but couldn't.
"Eventually, she threw me out. I was sixteen, and it had been about five months since Mindor. My life was chaos. I joined a street gang and fought other street gangs. I got involved with everything — I stole, I beat people up, did drugs…you name it, I did it. I've got a criminal record as long as my arm."
Liara was speechless; she couldn't imagine this woman behaving in such a manner. Shepard seemed to sense what Liara was thinking.
"Grief can drive people crazy, Liara," she explained. "It was about two months later that everything finally came to a head. One day, our gang was out looking for stuff. We were running low and we had no money, so we decided to knock off some of the rich folk."
"Stuff?" Liara enquired.
"Drugs," Shepard explained.
"You took drugs?" This had not been in her personnel files.
"Yes, I'm ashamed to say. I was so messed up at the time and I hurt so much. The drugs…they helped ease the pain, made me feel better, helped me sleep. They just made the day easier and the night shorter."
She looked closely at the asari. "I told you this wasn't a pleasant story. I'm not the person people think I am. I'm damaged and I've done some stupid things in my life, things which I'll regret to my dying day."
The asari nodded. "Yes…but Commander, these are the things which have made you the person you are today." She looked over and smiled at the Commander. "Please continue. I am curious to hear how the story ends."
"As I said, we were out looking for stuff, and we spotted this guy. He was hanging around on one of the street corners, well off the main street away from the crowds. Easy pickings, or so we thought." She shook her head at the memory. "We were idiots. One look at the guy should have told us to leave him alone, but we attacked him with whatever we could put our hands on — sticks, tyre irons, chains…anything, really."
She looked again at Liara, and Liara noticed tears in her eyes. This was not easy for the Commander to relate. "By God, could that guy fight! He killed two of us in the first two seconds, knocked another guy unconscious and then there was only me. I was wild with rage, furious that this man could hurt my friends in such a manner and…something just snapped.
"I threw myself at him, biting, gouging, punching, and kicking him in my rage. He picked me up by the throat, held me inches from his face and spat at me. He called me a hellcat, and then he drew his knife from his pocket and held it in front of my face. He told me that he was going to kill me. It was in that moment that I realised that I didn't want to die. I started to cry hysterically — all the rage, grief and pain just poured out of me, and that bastard just laughed and squeezed my throat with his hand. He ran the flat of the blade along my face and kissed me. 'Goodbye, little hellcat,' he said, and then he sliced the blade under my jaw."
Shepard ran her finger along her neck to show where. "I ended up kicking him in the groin and he dropped me…but not before he gave me this," she said, tracing the scar on her jaw line. "I was terrified. I ran and ran, I didn't know where I was going, but when I stopped, I was standing outside an Alliance recruiting office. The Alliance had saved me once before, maybe they could save me again."
Liara was shocked. She had never in her wildest of imaginings imagined something like this. She reached out and touched the scar on the Spectre's face.
"It is a badge of honour, Commander," she said to the silent Spectre. "A testament to your strength and your inextinguishable will to live."
"Thank you, Liara," Shepard said solemnly. "Thank you for listening. I've never told anybody the whole story before. Thank you for not judging."
Liara nodded and moved a step closer to the Commander; the Commander did not pull away. "Has the Alliance saved you, Sulien?" she asked quietly. "Or have they just added to your burden?"
The use of her first name caused the Commander to look up. She did not answer Liara, just looked at her and shook her head. "I do my duty. This is my life. I do what I must."
"And I do what I must," Liara said quietly. And with that, she leaned in and kissed the Commander lightly on the lips.
Sulien pulled away, startled. "I must go, Liara. I have duties to perform." And the Commander quickly left the room.
Liara watched her go, amused.