Chapter Two: Dwarves Are Good For Making Leomade
(Legolas is having a tea party with lots of chopsticks sitting round a table, pouring out tea for them)
Legolas: Tea for the chopsticks! Tea for the chopsticks! YAAAAAY!!!
Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE!!! YOU ARE MAD!!! Can I have some tea please?
Legolas: Of course! (Pours tea for Aragorn)
Arwen: So…you want me to exchange my husband for a badly made Voodoo doll of Wormtounge and some dog food?
Of Mighty One: Yes.
Arwen: …No.
Oh Mighty One: Damn…
Frodo: I'M SO PROUD OF IT, I PUT MAH NAAAAME ON IT!!! (Shows everyone his George Foreman Grill which he has stuck a piece of paper saying "Frodo Baggins Grill")
Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE! THAT IS WEIRD!!!
Frodo: But now it's mine, my preciousssss… (Strokes grill)
Merry: (Slaps Frodo)
Frodo: Sorry…
Pippin: I AM THE KING OF SPOONS!!!
Sam: POTATO!!!
Gimli: Well that was random…
Oh Mighty One: Shut up Dwarf. No one loves you.
Gimli: (Grumbles)
Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE!!! I LIKE THE WAY YOU SAID THAT, OH MIGHTY ONE!
Oh Mighty One: Thanks!
Arwen: Grrr…
Legolas: I'm bored now…
Aragorn: LET'S GO ON A QUEST!!!
Sam: TO FIND POTATOES!!!
Oh Mighty One: Just…no.
Sam: Why don't people like my potato quests?
Aragorn: BECAUSE THEY'RE LAMER THAN SAURON'S SUPER AMAZING GHETTO HIP HOP BOYBAND!!!
Sauron: Word! (BLIIIIIIIIIING!!!)
Orcs: Yo, peeps!
Saruman: I'm da man, innit bruvz?
Sam: I see…
Pippin: Or we could tell stories?
Merry: OK! 'Twas a dark and stormy night, and the captain said to his crew: "Gather ye round and ye a story…" And the story was this: 'Twas a dark and stormy night, and the captain said to his cre-
Pippin: That's enough stories!
Oh Mighty One: So, a quest it is!
Legolas: Let's go to Rivendell!
Gandalf: (Poofs in) EH-EH-EHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (Poofs out)
Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE! THAT WAS RANDOM!!!
Legolas: To Rivendell?
Oh Mighty One: YAYYYYYYY!!! LET'S BOMB AMERICA!!!
Frodo: What's an America?
Oh Mighty One: I mean… TO RIVENDELL!!!! YEAHHHHHHH!!!
Sauron: WORD!
Legolas: Stop that!
Sauron: WHY DOESN'T ANYONE LIKE ME?!?
Legolas: Oh I wonder…
Gandalf: (Poofs in) RIVENDELL!!!
(Everyone poofs into Rivendell)
Elrond: Welcome to Riven- oh it's just you
Arwen: DADDY!!!
Elrond: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! KEEP HER AWAY FROM ME!!!
Gandalf: I'M A HAPPY CAMPER!!!
Elrond: I told you to drown her!
Aragorn: I can't…she's too clever!
Oh Mighty One: I'LL DO IT!!!
Elrond: Who are you?
Oh Mighty One: Aragorn's new wife!
Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE, WHAT ARE YOU TAKING ABOUT?
Oh Mighty One: How much you love me, of course!
Arwen: What? No!
Oh Mighty One: (Erases Arwen from story)
Legolas: YAYYYY!!! NOW I'M THE PRETTIEST ONE HERE, ONCE AGAIN!!!
Elrond: Oh no… he's not going to-
Legolas: I FEEL PRETTY! OH SO PRETTY! I FEEL PRETTY AND WITTY AND GAAAAAAAAAY!!!
Merry: Well he definitely got the gay part right
Gandalf: GRANADA! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (Jumps out of a tree)
Oh Mighty One: Oh Adam Sandler is SO going to sue us…
Frodo: What's an Adam Sandler?
Oh Mighty One: Never mind…
Sam: Po…ta…to?
Oh Mighty One: And the guy who made Foamy
Frodo: What's that?
Oh Mighty One: It's how I'm going to kill you (Throws nuts at Frodo)
Saruman: BOOGIE AWN DOWN!!! (Tries to break dance)
Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE!!! DO NOT DO THAT WHILST WEARING ROBES!!!
Saruman: Sorry…
Sauron: WORD!
(Faramir runs across the screen naked and throws a bar of soap at Sauron)
Pippin: That was…interesting…
Denethor: CRACK!
Oh Mighty One: What's with all the movie rip offs? And isn't he dead? He fell off the tallest tower of Minas Tirith whilst ON FIRE!!!
Merry: Hey, you're writing this
Oh Mighty One: No, it's my insane alter-ego…
Alter-ego: FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Oh Mighty One: See?
Merry: You made that up, didn't you?
Oh Mighty One: Yeah…
Denethor: Hello! Pay attention to the man who returned from the dead!
(A bar of soap hits Denethor in the head)
Legolas: Tee hee! That was funny!
Denethor: CRACK!
Elrond: My, my…
Frodo: Your what?
Elrond: Why did we entrust him with the ring?
Faramir (Now clothed): Because you're all idiots! You should have given it to Boromir! And none of this would have ever happened!
Oh Mighty One: What, like, Middle Earth being saved?
Faramir: It was SAVED?
Oh Mighty One: oO Right…
Frodo: I'm so amazing!
Gimli: When do I get a line?
Oh Mighty One: You just did. Now shut up
Gimli: Awwww…
Merry: Hey! Gimli's helmet is the perfect shape for squashing lemons! (Squashes lemons on Gimli's head)
Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE!!! THAT IS A FANTASTIC IDEA!!!
(Everyone except Elrond and Denethor join in)
Elrond: Well this storyline just went down the toilet…
Denethor: What storyline? CRACK!
Gandalf: NYAAAAAAAAA!!! (Pours lemon juice over his head)
Elrond: I think we'll have to do something about him
Denethor: What, like, put them all in a tiny house together until they either get along, drive each other to insanity or kill each other?
Elrond: That could work…
Legolas: I'M A BIG BOY!!! DING DONG!!!
Lawyers: I don't know which of them to sue first! AHHHHH!!! (Dies)
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Will the Fellowship of the Kitchen get sued? Will Gandalf ever get his sanity back? Will Aragorn ever realise that he's not quite as manly as Boromir? And will Sauron ever stop trying to be "cool"?
Find out in the next instalment of The Fellowship of the Kitchen!