The Bad Assery Of Neville Longbottom

by JEDIJESSICUH

Chuck Norris jokes are so before that one time Neville cut off Nagini's head. Summoning amusement from the web and various sources, I bring you the bad assery of the one, the only: Neville Longbottom.

2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Thanks for all the reviews from the first chapter. I am quite enjoying these jokes myself, so here's another batch! :)

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1. Hogwarts no longer teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts, they just hand out Neville Longbottom masks.

2. When Neville uses the knight bus, he calls himself Harry Potter to avoid all the attention.

3. Neville's alphabet soup only ever contains four letters: B, A, M, and F

4. The wizard prison was originally named after Neville - it used to be Bad-Asskaban.

5. Voldemort and the Death Eaters were actually created in the Room of Requirement. Neville walked passed it 3 times thinking he needed some opponents who were not laughably pathetic in comparison to him. Some things, not even magic can do.

6. Originally, Professor Dumbledore was going to have Neville Longbottom guard the Sorcerer's Stone. But he couldn't figure out how to defeat him to get it back, so he went with plan B.

7. Neville Longbottom listens to Mandrake cries on his iPod for entertainment.

8. To access the Marauder's Map all Neville has to say is "I'm Neville Longbottom, bitch."

9. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Neville Longbottom calls this "a slow Tuesday."

10. Neville lost his virginity before his dad.

11. Neville Longbottom's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't meddle with Neville!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

12. Neville Longbottom CAN believe it's not butter.

13. Neville Longbottom does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Neville Longbottom.

14. The original premise of the show Survivor was to put people on an island with Neville Longbottom. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go back to the island to retrieve the footage.

15. Dumbledore's Patronus is Neville Longbottom flexing.