In truth I didn't actually mean to write 'TBC' at the end of the last chapter, but I wasn't paying attention and did, and then I felt bad about making to look like I was going to put more on and then not. So I did this just for you guys. Hope it's ok.
Cry
When John died Sam made everything go all wrong.
He kept telling Dean to deal with it.
He told him that he saw right through Dean's strong and silent act.
Sam didn't understand that Dean was dealing with it. But Dean did.
Dean would lie in the itchy and crumpled motel sheets and stare into the darkness.
He'd beg every holy being, and most of the unholy ones, to bring his dad back. He made promises to the dark.
He promised that if John came back he'd give up hunting, that he'd sell the Impala, that he'd go back to Cassie and stay there and never leave the state again, that he'd let Sammy run to his perfect life and never talk to him again.
He'd even die to see his father again, anything and everything.
He'd pull himself out of bed and watch his little brother as he slept. Wishing he could tell Sammy everything he felt.
But somehow the words wouldn't come, not even when he was sure his brother was deep into a dream.
He wanted Sammy to understand that Dean dealt with things alone. That his head worked different from the share and care Sammy way.
He felt safe when he was alone.
He didn't want to sob into his brother's arms; he wanted to keep going on with life.
He didn't know how to explain it to Sam.
When the brothers bundled into the car Dean let his father's favourite radio station play for a while, implanting every line and melody in his memory, ready to be recalled at the drop of a hat.
And his eyes would water up a little, but not enough for Sam to notice.
And then Sam would mention dad again, and Dean would get angry. He'd want to stamp his feet and punch walls.
He'd want to yell at Sam for telling him he needed to deal or that he saw through Dean's façade.
Dean had no illusions about it; he knew it was a façade.
But he didn't understand why Sam needed to take it away from him. Didn't his brother know he needed it right now?
That the only was he could deal with this was to do the same thing he had when Mary had died?
Sam would get upset, trying to talk to Dean. Trying to tell him how much he missed dad, or how this is what John would have wanted them to do.
And his eyes would water when Dean stared back at him.
Dean felt so guilty. He kept thinking John's death with his fault.
And when Sammy decided he needed to talk to Dean, it confused Dean.
Dean didn't understand why this time someone died he was expected to open up.
After all the things Dean had ever seen, had ever done this new situation scared him.
His father taught him to hide every little feeling, to never talk to anyone about anything. He broke that rule once to talk to Cassie, and it wasn't even about his feelings too much.
Then he broke it again in Chicago when he told Sammy he wanted a family.
That night when Sam turned out the light tears leaked from his eyes, why does the world hate me?
Then he thought of his brother's teary eyes when he hadn't responded to him.
And he felt a tear slide over his cheek.
Why does Sammy hate me?
It took him a moment to realise he said it aloud, and a second more to realise Sam had replied.
"I don't hate you Dean!"
The light was on before Dean could hide his tears and before he knew it strong arms wrapped around him and he lent onto his brother.
For a moment, he let himself go with the moment.
He sighed; hiding his tears and shooting the walls back up. Pushing his brother away.
He felt like he had betrayed his father, that letting his weakness show he had finalised John's death.
But Sammy was satisfied, telling him he'd done the right thing.
But why did it feel so wrong to Dean?
--- THE END ---
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Keep smilin' :D ShadowMayne