After Bella left with Alice, I followed Carlisle up to his study, and we sat together on his red leather settee. Usually we stood when conversing, as vampires don't really need to sit, so I suspected that he was still concerned about me being tired. I tried not to let my irritation show—I reminded myself firmly that it was not his fault that this had happened, and he was only trying to help me.
Just in case, he began, I'm going to research this and see if I can find any reported cases other than the one I witnessed in Italy. I have a feeling that information will be hard to come by, though, considering that you would likely be the first vampire to be infected by an animal…was there anything different that you noticed when you hunted this weekend?
"No…" I hesitated, "well, now that I think more about it, the mountain lion was on our way back. Emmett spied him tearing through the underbrush, and dared me to try and catch him. He was fast, faster than I'm used to and his running pattern was pretty erratic. He was a challenge to catch, and when I caught him, he actually turned and took a swipe at me." Carlisle's eyebrows rose.
"That's not unheard of," I said dismissively, "I've had that happen before, but not in a long while—I usually don't allow them the chance, but he got by me. I'd been thinking that the species was becoming less aggressive as time goes by."
It's possible. Anything else?
I thought hard about the details of that kill. "Well, the only other thing I can think of was that his growl was wrong. It had the pitch of a lioness, but he was definitely not female."
Hmmm… thought Carlisle, both of the things you've described could be signs of rabies in an animal. I'll be happier when Jasper and Emmett get back.
"Could it be anything else that you know of?" I asked, wondering if he'd managed to conceal anything from me while I was too distracted to notice.
No, there's nothing else that I know of, which could be better or worse. If it's rabies, then at least I know what we're dealing with, but if it's something else, I have no idea what will happen next, if anything at all. He smiled at me kindly. So, let's rule out the one possibility I can think of, and then wait to see if anything else unusual happens to you. It truly could be nothing, and it won't ever happen again.
I scrutinized him with my eyes. "And do you really believe that?" I pressed. If I had been unable to read his mind, he might have been able to deceive me just then, but thoughts are often too rapid to control.
No, he thought immediately, I don't . He blinked as he realized that I was still following along in his head. Dammit, Edward!
I chuckled. "It's alright, I wouldn't have believed you anyway. I've spent enough time studying science and medicine to know that things like this don't just happen as isolated incidents. Something has changed, and we need to figure out what."
You're right, of course, he thought, and I could detect the pride he felt in both my conclusions and my handling of the situation so far. I smiled at him, despite myself.
Well, until Jasper and Emmett return, I'd like you to stay around the house, but other than that I see no reason why you can't do whatever you'd like to.
"What about Bella?" I asked, wanting to see her again as soon as possible.
You know you can't go over there, he thought. Of course, he was right. We had no idea what might happen next.
"Yes, I know," I sighed in resignation.
But she can come here when she's able, until a few days pass at least, or something changes.
It was Tuesday evening, and I knew Bella had to work at Newton's tomorrow night, so it looked like it would be Thursday until I saw her again anyway. With luck, nothing would happen between then and now and Jazz and Emmett would return in the morning with the kill so the testing could be done quickly.
"Thanks, Carlisle," I murmured, as I stood up and headed for my room.
When Alice returned, she came to find me immediately—I heard her steps from the garage all the way up to my room, where I had been since my talk with Carlisle. I was listening to Debussy, whose melodies were usually able to calm me more than any other composer. It was working—I did feel a bit more relaxed, but I was still on edge thinking about being separated from Bella for so long, and wondering what might happen next.
Alice bounded into the room in her usual style, and wrapped her arms around my chest affectionately. As annoying as knowing your future could be, Alice's ability was a godsend in many ways. Like now, for instance, when I hadn't known that what I really needed was a hug from my closest sibling. I smiled, and my whole body relaxed as I leaned in to the touch. It wasn't Bella, but it was a different kind of love, and just as important.
How are you holding up? she thought at me, as she pulled back a bit to look up into my eyes.
"I'm okay," I replied. It wasn't a lie exactly, since I didn't really know what I thought about the whole thing. It was a bit scary, but now that I felt normal again and nothing else had happened for a few hours, it was easier to dismiss.
She seemed satisfied with my reply, as she went to perch on the arm of my black leather sofa.
"Was Bella alright?" I asked, concerned that she might be making more of this than I was.
She seemed fine, but she did ask me what I saw for you.
"And?" I prompted.
And I did just as I said I would—I told her that I couldn't see your future very clearly, which is actually the truth. I scanned through the images in her mind, and I could see what she meant—when she thought about me all she got was a blurry haze.
"What do you think that means?" I inquired curiously.
Well, usually it means that something sudden is going to happen that will affect the future—not a decision…something that can't be predicted. I can see that it's going to take Emmett and Jazz a while to find your kill, though. They won't be back until Thursday morning.
"Damn," I said under my breath. That meant that we likely wouldn't have an answer before I saw Bella again, and that I wouldn't be back at school this week. What an inconvenience!
Well, now there was nothing to do but pass the time. Alice and I stayed in my room for a long while, just letting the music wash over us. The more time that passed, the more confident I became that what I'd felt was a fluke (maybe I'd just imagined it?), and I became more restless for this forced confinement to end. I passed the night on Tuesday and the day on Wednesday reading and listening to music—two of my favorite pastimes.
My frustration and my longing to see Bella grew as the hours passed, and eventually I found myself at the piano, my greatest refuge in times of stress. I worked diligently on a new melody I was composing for Bella, until late in the evening.
Suddenly, I began to feel strangely. The muscles in my arms and legs seemed to be tightening, as they would before a hunt, and I felt a tingling as of electricity under my skin. I knew I should call for Carlisle, but I didn't want to believe that this was related to what had happened yesterday. I rose from the piano bench quickly and headed for my room.
I had just crossed the threshold when the pain hit me, locking every muscle and dropping me to the floor face first. With great concentration, I was able to lower my hands and break the fall, but as I made contact with the rug the pain was excruciating. I squeezed my eyes shut and ground my teeth together to prevent myself from crying out, but I wasn't quite successful. "Aaahhh!" I heard myself cry, but I cut it off as quickly as I could. I realized then that I was convulsing—I had no control over my muscles, and could feel my limbs making contact with the floor. A sharp pain pierced my right wrist, but it was quickly lost in the chaos of agony that ripped through my body. I was suspended there for I don't know how long—completely out of control and able to do nothing but hang on and pray for it to end.
Suddenly, I realized that the clamor of white noise I had been hearing was replaced by Alice's thoughts.
Is it over? He's stopped shaking, but now he's curled into a ball. Has it changed, somehow?
I realized that the pain had receded, and now I was just clenched tightly against it. I slowly began to relax my muscles, relieved beyond measure that I had control of them once more. As I loosened my grip on my knees, I gasped as my right wrist screamed in protest. I remembered now that something had happened to it during the pain, and I held it close to my body with my other arm as I rolled onto my back.
As I opened my eyes, I found my head was in Alice's lap and Carlisle was crouched beside me, both of them staring at me with looks of mingled fear and worry. Carlisle recovered first. Are you alright, son?
I nodded, my eyes closing and my teeth clenching against the pain that still shot through my wrist. "Carlisle," I grated out, "can you check my wrist? I think I broke it and it's not set correctly…"
He immediately lifted my injured arm, and I winced as he gently probed the bones with his fingers. You're right, he thought at me. Are you ready? I nodded again as I ground my teeth together in preparation for what I knew was coming next. I groaned in tandem with the metallic sound of the bones re-breaking as Carlisle quickly flicked my wrist and then re-set the bones in their proper place. The relief was immediate, and the pain faded quickly to a dull ache. It would heal quickly with only a little discomfort now that the bones were set in the right place.
"Thank you," I sighed in relief, closing my eyes once more.
"Well, I'll still test the animal when your brothers return, but at this point it will be a confirmatory test," Carlisle said softly. His thoughts were carefully controlled, but the concern was etched on his face.
"What happened?" I asked, meeting Alice's wide eyes for the first time.
"I couldn't see anything ahead of time," she explained. "There were no decisions involved here—no premeditation. I couldn't see it until you were already in pain, only seconds before we heard you."
"How long did it last?" I wondered aloud. I had no idea how much time had passed.
"About five minutes," Carlisle replied, still looking at me critically and assessing my condition.
"I'm alright now, really," I tried to reassure him, sitting up to drive my point home.
Carlisle extended his arm to help me up, and I accepted using my left arm—the right was still a bit tender. I wobbled as I got to my feet, and Carlisle steadied me as he maneuvered me over to the sofa. I sat down gratefully—I was not as recovered as I had thought.
"Edward, now that we know we're on this path, I'm going to need you to humor me about some things," Carlisle said gravely.
"Such as…?" I replied, trying not to let my frustration at the situation direct itself toward Carlisle.
"Well, first of all I'm going to require that you rest from now on. I know you would prefer to be in your own room, so I'm going to set up a bed for you in here."
I glanced at him sidelong—I was still having trouble accepting that this was really happening to me. He put his hand on my shoulder. This is likely going to get worse before it gets better, and I think you need to conserve all the strength you have now. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I truly never put two and two together between the rabies case I saw in Italy and the possibility we could contract it from animals.
"It's not your fault," I reassured him, because really it wasn't. "Rosalie and I have both studied medicine, and it never occurred to us either. We'll learn from this and if we're lucky, it won't happen again," I smiled, hoping he perceived more optimism in my words than I truly felt.
"I'll arrange everything, and be back shortly," he said as he rose from the sofa, giving me a warm smile as he left the room.
Suddenly, my head was filled with what sounded like a translation of the Magna Carta into German. Alice paused as I fixed her with my glare. "You know, there are only two ways that I can really see this turning out, so unless you've discovered a third one you might as well show me what you see", I said patronizingly, not really in the mood for games.
Alice gave me her attention now, and the Magna Carta was replaced by two separate visions. One was of me lying on a hospital bed, a smile on my face, my eyes bright red?!, chuckling at some joke made by someone I couldn't see. The other one was of me on the same hospital bed, sunken into the mattress, my eyes closed and Bella leaning over me shaking with grief. I flinched away from the second image, even though I had known that it was one of the possibilities.
"I'm sorry, Edward, I had thought that seeing it might make it too real for you right now," she said, the worry plain in her voice. "As you guessed, these are the only two possibilities I see, and a decision or decisions will tip the scales either way. I can't yet see whose decisions, but maybe I'll be able to tell as we get closer."
She slid across the sofa and put her arm around my shoulder. "You just do as Carlisle says, and let me worry about the future, okay?" she mock-scolded me. "I'll let you know if there are any changes, so you can be prepared," she said more seriously. I don't want to lose you, her thought echoed through her mind as she squeezed my shoulders, bounding up from the sofa and out of the room. I realized as she left that I needed some time to myself—she must have seen that too.
I leaned my forehead on my hand, my mind whirling with what had just happened. So I'd been infected with rabies and it could kill me, or whatever you wanted to call it since I was already dead for all intents and purposes. But I was still sharing the life I had with Bella, and now I wanted it that way, more than anything else. It was one thing to decide that I was no good for her, and to try to leave her, or for her to decide to leave me. It was quite another to have it forced upon us, as it had almost been when James had tried to take her away from me, or when the Volturi had threatened to kill her. The same feelings of anguish coursed through me now as they had when I entered the ballet studio and saw her lying there on the floor, but now it was even worse. Now I knew that she would have to watch me leave her unwillingly, and be left with the choice of what to do in the aftermath.
I couldn't bear the thought of her taking her own life—it had almost destroyed me when I had believed that she'd killed herself jumping off a cliff last spring. I couldn't live without her, but somehow the thought of her taking her own life after I was gone was in no way the same as what I had tried to do in Italy. I was already dead and she was still alive. I was forever altered by my love for her, but I still believed that in time she could live without me, if only she'd give herself the chance to try. I would have to talk to her about this, make her see that it wasn't the same.
Now my thoughts turned selfish—I wasn't ready to stop existing. I had walked this earth as a vampire for 80-odd years, and before I met Bella, I wouldn't have batted an eyelash about my existence ending, monster that I was. But now, now I had something to live for. And I wanted it more than anything. I wanted to spend the rest of her life with her, vampire or human, and I wanted the chance to fight to keep her human. I wanted to be intimate with her, as much as possible if she were human, or to the full extent of my abilities if she were vampire, and satisfy the desires that waged war in me…well, in both of us. And I wanted to know everything about her, and become so close that we knew each other's thoughts and feelings instinctively, the way couples do after long years together. I wanted all of those things, and where yesterday they were mine for the taking, now I would have to fight for them.
And I would fight for them—the only other instance we knew of where a vampire had contracted rabies had not ended in death, so I resolved myself to not let my thoughts stray in that direction. I would just have to wait this out, and then everything would be fine again.
Carlisle and Rosalie arrived then, carrying a hospital-style bed between them, and I groaned inwardly. This was going to be a long week. Rosalie's thoughts were surprisingly kind. I'm so sorry about this, Edward, it could have happened to any of us, she directed at me, but then that was immediately followed by, but I'm so glad that it wasn't me or Emmett. Typical Rosalie.
Rosalie left immediately, but Carlisle stayed to help me get settled in the bed, and likely to ensure that I actually followed his directions. He raised the mattress into a sitting position, and as I lay back against it his thoughts journeyed to the last day that he'd seen me lying on a bed like this—the last day of my human life.
I hadn't seen these images in his mind in many years, and they were rather startling given my current situation. I recoiled from the image of me looking so helpless—I didn't want to repeat it, and I didn't want to remember. His thoughts then shifted to my mother, seated in a chair beside me. I could tell that she was ill too, but still she sat at my bedside, wiping my fevered brow with a cloth. I hadn't seen this image in many years either, and my own memories of my mother were not nearly so clear, viewed through my then-human eyes. But Carlisle's memories were vampire-crisp and clear. "Thank you," I murmured quietly.
You're welcome, he replied, allowing the image to gradually fade. I've been thinking, he continued, I think it would be wise to try and make sure that you don't break any more bones when you're in pain. I suspect that your ability to heal will slow down as this progresses, and we don't need any further complications.
I flexed my wrist unconsciously as he thought this, and I noticed that when I extended it all the way back I could still feel a twinge of discomfort. That should have been completely healed hours ago. He was right.
Was there any warning last time? he questioned.
"Yes, actually, there was," I replied sheepishly. I was a bit embarrassed now that I'd not called for him immediately. "I felt my muscles tightening a few minutes before the pain started, and it felt as if my nerves were tingling. I had enough time to get from the piano to my room at human speed."
He eyed me condescendingly. Information I could have used the last time we spoke… he chided gently, but useful nonetheless. I was going to suggest that we restrain you, but if you have a little warning then I would just ask that you call for me the next time, so that we can keep you from hurting yourself.
"I will, I promise," I said earnestly. I had no wish to make this any worse than it had to be, and now that we knew what it was I was more open to accepting help.
Good, he answered. Is there anything I can do for you?
"Hand me that copy of Wuthering Heights on the table?" I replied, as his eyebrows rose questioningly.
"Don't ask," I muttered in exasperation, as he passed me the book. He left me to my reading, and I spent the night reading the book from cover to cover. I had to wait until after school at least to see Bella, and the hours seemed to drag by.
At about five in the morning, I felt my muscles begin tightening up again, and the electrical tingle spreading through my skin. "Carlisle," I called softly, and by the time the convulsions began Carlisle must have arrived, because I felt my limbs being held to the bed. I knew I was crying out from the pain, but I had even less control than the last time—thankfully Carlisle was there to make sure I didn't hurt myself.
When the pain finally lessened I was panting from the effort of endurance, and my throat felt raw from overuse. As I lay there trying to slow my breathing and gather my wits, the voices erupted around me.
Wow.
Could this really happen to any of us?
Oh my poor Edward, what can we do to help him?
It looks like there was no external damage done…
I opened my eyes to see Alice, Rosalie, Esme, and Carlisle standing over me, trying to erase the shock from their expressions.
I sighed uncomfortably. This was turning into much more of a spectacle that I had bargained for. As usual, Carlisle recovered himself first.
How are you feeling? he asked me, affecting casualness.
"I'm fine…now," I replied hoarsely, although my arms and legs felt a little shaky after all the motion, and I was still tensed against the pain. I forced myself to relax completely, and my family responded by releasing their grip on me.
I closed my eyes. I was tired. I lay there breathing deeply as everyone wandered away to give me some time to collect myself. The pain I could handle, but the way I felt now was truly frightening. I raised my arm experimentally from the bed, and it shook with the effort. I quickly returned it to the mattress. Weakness was something I'd not experienced in more than eighty years, and I did not take kindly to it. I wanted to get up and run, but I knew that was out of the question. I tried to distract myself by picturing Bella sleeping in her room, but that only made me long to see her all the more. I trembled now, but with frustration.
After a few hours of letting my thoughts chase each other around in my head, Carlisle reappeared in the doorway.
Feeling better? he inquired as he walked to my bedside. I sat up further on the bed, and found to my great relief that my arms no longer felt shaky, and would support my weight.
"Yes, actually," I replied, a bit surprised myself.
Emmett and Jasper came back this morning. It took them a long time to find your kill.
"Yes, I knew it would," I replied, "Alice told me they'd be back this morning."
I saw no outward signs of disease on the animal, so you didn't miss anything, he continued, I sent the blood out for testing a few hours ago.
"Thank you, Carlisle," I returned, although I wasn't sure that it really mattered now.
Alice called. She's bringing Bella over after school.
Oh thank God, it was almost Thursday afternoon! I couldn't wait to see her. This was the longest that we'd been apart since before Italy, and the separation had become its own pain over the last two days. I hoped that she wouldn't be able to see any difference in me—I was fairly confident that I could see her without scaring her.
Carlisle had other things on his mind, however. Edward, I think you need to hunt again, he said, breaking into my reverie. I looked at my own reflection in his mind, and I could see that my eyes were coal black. And, now that he mentioned it, I could feel the low burn in my throat, even though no humans or other animals were near. That was the usual signal that it was time to hunt, and I audibly swallowed the gush of venom that followed the thought. But I had just hunted four days ago. Wow.
"You're right," I replied hesitantly, "but do you think I can hunt?"
That was going to be my question to you, he replied, looking at me critically. I think you should try before Bella comes over…I'm…concerned…about her visit.
"How so?" I asked with trepidation. I needed to see her now—more desperately than ever.
Well, this infection won't only take away your physical strength, it will likely compromise your mental capacity as well… he thought hesitantly, but he didn't need to continue that thought. I knew where he was going.
"You're afraid I might not be able to control myself around her, particularly if I'm thirsty," I concluded, the exasperation I felt at not being safe for my own girlfriend coloring my voice.
Yes, but it's more than that. I don't think you can afford to expend the energy it takes to resist your own impulses right now, and she's your biggest temptation, to put it bluntly.
"Carlisle, I need to see her," I answered, almost pleading.
I know, I know, he replied, and I'll find a way to make that happen. For now, let's see if you can hunt.