The Best of Everything – Epilogue part 2
Apart
It took Garcia a couple of hours, but during the middle of the morning, Spencer's mobile rang. He and Aaron were in the kitchen, chatting animatedly about what they were going to do that afternoon. It was a game they liked to play Aaron wanted to go somewhere outside with no other people, and Spencer suggested going to the forest where they had carved each other's names on a tree. But it wouldn't happen. Aaron hadn't left the house since he came back from hospital. His world was within the walls.
When the phone rang, Spencer went out of the room to answer it. He stood in the hall where Aaron could see him.
"I've found him, Sweetie. He's in New York. I've got an address, but no number."
"That's fine, Garcie. Did you manage to keep it a secret?" Spence asked quietly, as he wrote down the address. He didn't want Aaron to find out by overhearing half a conversation. He wanted to explain to him why he needed to do this.
"Sure thing, Babes. No one else knows."
"Thank you, Garcie. You're a star."
Spencer cut the connection and went back to Aaron. He sat next to him and gently put his hand on Aaron's face.
"Aaron, I've found someone that I think will be able to help you get better." He watched Aaron's eyes. He had said he didn't want anyone to see him like this. But Gideon was different. He wasn't in the BAU anymore. Spence hoped that Aaron would say yes.
"Who is it? Another doctor?"
"No, Babe. I've found Gideon. He's in New York" Aaron's eyes widened. Spencer embraced him. "But I need to go and get him. There's no cell number."
Spencer watched Aaron carefully. He saw tears start to collect in the corner of his eyes.
"Babe, you need him. He will know how to help you." Spence kissed away Aaron's tears. "Please let me go and get him. We can both go if you want to, or you can stay here. I'll be there and back in a day."
"W-when are you g-going, Spencey?" Aaron was starting to panic. "I c-can't go that f-far." His hands were shaking, and he held Spencer's hands tightly.
"Babe, don't be frightened, it will only be for a day. And I will have my cell on me." He pulled him close again. "I'll go tomorrow, first thing. I'll be back in the evening."
That night, Aaron held onto Spencer as if his life depended on it. Spencer had a frightening thought that maybe it did. Aaron shivered and trembled in Spencer's arms, as once again the nightmares took him to places he didn't want to go. It broke Spencer up to see this strong reliable man crying and whimpering in his sleep. It hurt him so much to see him like this. He desperately needed help, and Spencer was determined to find it for him. He longed to see Aaron well again.
Spencer really needed to sleep well that night with the journey ahead of him the next day. He hoped that he would be able to bring Gideon back with him the next day, but if he couldn't at least Gideon would be able to follow him back later. He held onto Aaron, and hardly slept at all.
As the sun came up the following day, Spencer slid out of bed from between Aaron's arms, and went downstairs to get coffee and Aaron's meds. The feelings running through him were like those he felt when he sent his Mum away. He didn't want Aaron to think he'd abandoned him.
He put the things on a tray and took them upstairs. He stood at the door and watched Aaron sleep for a few minutes. His dreams were over, but his face bore the marks of the tears he had shed during the night. His skin had lost its glow.
Aaron, love, I will do anything I can to make you well. I wish I didn't have to leave you, but it is to help you. Please understand...
Spencer kissed Aaron good-bye at the front door. He felt a shiver pass through Aaron being so close to 'outside'. He saw fear in his eyes.
"My cell will be on all the time, Babe. Just call me whenever you want. I'll be back today, this evening." Spencer released Aaron from the embrace. "You will call if you need me, won't you?"
Aaron nodded, feeling inadequate and stupid.
I am a grown man. I shouldn't be afraid of being left alone for one day...
Spencer hugged him again briefly, and turned away. It was one of the hardest things he had ever done. As he drove away towards the airport, he had a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. He hated to leave Aaron.
I've got to find Gideon. Please let him be there...
Aaron closed the door when Spencer was out of sight. He locked it and leaned on it. It was a relief to have the 'outside' shut outside. He slowly walked back to the kitchen and sat down where he and Spence had been earlier. Already he had a feeling of loss, but he tried to fight it. He looked at the cell phone on the table. He picked it up, opened a drawer and dropped the phone in. If he couldn't see it, maybe he wouldn't be tempted to use it.
You've got to get over this, Hotchner. You have to try to stand alone again...
"Who are you kidding!" he shouted at the walls. "You're finished! Pathetic; useless; a burden to Spencer. You are supposed to love him, look what you are doing to him! He's afraid to go out of your sight!"
He folded his arms on the table and rested his head down. He didn't try to cry quietly. He howled and screamed until he was cried out. His eyes sore and his face wet with tears of self loathing.
He said words that he had last heard being spoken by Tobias Henkel.
"This ends today!"
"I am going to free you, Spence."
He took a sheet of note paper from the kitchen drawer and began to write. When he had finished, and it didn't take long, he sealed it in an envelope and put it on the table. He had managed to avoid letting his tears fall on the letter, but as he wrote 'Spence' on the envelope, a single drop fell and smudged the writing.
He went upstairs with more determination than he had felt for a long time. Firstly he went to the bedroom. In the back of the wardrobe was his gun. He used to wear it strapped to his ankle but now he never left the house, there was no point.
He checked the bullets.
One
He only needed one.
He took it to the bathroom and stepped in the shower. He didn't want Spencer to have to clean his brains off the walls. This way, it would be clean. He turned the shower on full, and for a minute or two, he allowed the hot water to soak him. He sat in the shower tray and watched as the water stuck his pyjama bottoms to his skin. He noticed how thin he had become. Just another symptom of his distress.
He held the gun in his shaking hand for a while, making sure it was outside the spray of the shower. Just a small thing, with one little bullet.
He concentrated on controlling the shaking.
He cocked the gun, and held it against his head
"This is for you, Sweetheart. I love you."
He pressed the trigger.