Disclaimer: see Chapter One
Spoilers: 2.04 Emilie
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"What are you going to do?"
"Drink."
"Want to be alone?"
"No."
~~~~~ d'Artagnan & Athos, 2.04 Emilie
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Chapter Two: Regress
"Do you still love her?" d'Artagnan asks, startling him out of his thoughts.
Athos looks down into his cup of wine, the dim light in the tavern makes it seem as if the liquid is blood. He flashes back to finding Thomas's body, to the blood on the floor, to the blood on his wife's hands and on her dress.
There is nothing that can ever take those images away from his mind, no matter how hard he's tried with the hundreds of bottles of wine that he's drunk since that day. There is nothing that can ever make what she did alright. Nothing that can make him forget what she's done or how her actions have irrevocably changed his life.
Some might say the change was for the worse. They would consider a life dedicated to serving with the Musketeers beneath him and not something a man of his status should be involved with. But joining the Musketeers regiment had been one of the best decisions of his life; it had ever so slowly brought him back to life after feeling like a dead man trying to navigate his way amongst the sea of living.
The Musketeers had given him a purpose and had eventually brought him three brothers that he'd do anything for, including freely giving his life for them.
His new life had also brought him something he never thought he would have again—
A hand on his forearm snaps him out of his thoughts and he looks up to see that d'Artagnan's face is a perfect combination of guilt and worry.
"I'm sorry," he says. "I shouldn't have asked."
Athos smiles slightly and says, "No apology is necessary, d'Artagnan."
He takes a drink of his wine, thankful that his mind has let it revert back to wine and not the blood it had so recently been.
"I love…the idea of her, not the woman herself. Until she murdered Thomas, our lives were happy; they were some of the happiest years of my life. But that is gone now and only the idea, the memory of that love remains."
Athos lifts the bottle of wine they've been sharing and pours out the remainder between their two glasses.
"I have a new life now, one I am content to live."
D'Artagnan smiles at his words, looking almost relieved. Athos knows that they've all been worried about when – and sadly, not if – he'd breakdown over the knowledge of Milady's return.
As of now, the woman is in a state of grace with him; he can't follow through on his promise to kill her so long as she is the King's mistress. More importantly, she'd saved d'Artagnan, as well as the King, from the slavers. He's had more than one nightmare since then over what would have happened to d'Artagnan had it not been in Milady's own interests to save him along with the King.
When d'Artagnan stormed into the Musketeers garrison seeking his father's murderer, Athos never expected that the Gascon would come to mean so much to him. He's just as much a brother to him as Porthos and Aramis.
By virtue of his age, d'Artagnan has the sometimes unenviable position of being treated as the 'little' brother. Athos had not thought he could ever again consider anyone but Thomas to be a little brother, but he was proven wrong over time.
He never thought he'd ever have another little brother; it's something else Milady's past actions have changed in his life. Through extreme violence, she had taken away one brother but he has been given three more in return. After all the mistakes he has made, all the sins he has committed in his life, he's amazed God would bless him in this way.
So no, he doesn't love her anymore; he can never and will never forgive or forget what she's done. The most he can feel for her now is gratitude for her part in saving d'Artagnan.
Besides, he knows that she is incapable of love in its truest sense. He doubts that she ever really loved him. Her greatest loves are power and wealth and Milady is willing to do anything to get them.
He's had both and believes he has had the better end of the deal in life. He loves his brothers and loves being their brother in return. He never realized how much he loved being a brother until d'Artagnan came into his life. For that, he will always be grateful to the younger man. For that, he will try his best not to revert back to the way he used to be.
When d'Artagnan had realized that Athos had overheard him and Constance, there had been such a look of trepidation on the Gascon's face. The subsequent look of relief on d'Artagnan's face had been instantaneous when he'd said that he didn't want to be left alone to drink.
He's gotten better at letting his brothers in, better at not being so aloof. More often than not, instead of going off alone to drink, he allows one of his friends to accompany him. There are still times when he would rather be alone, times when he still drinks way more than he should, but Aramis, Porthos, and d'Artagnan have accepted those aspects of his personality.
Finishing his wine, Athos gestures for d'Artagnan to do the same. D'Artagnan looks surprised that Athos wants to leave after only one shared bottle of wine, and pushes his half-full cup away unfinished. They stand in unison and make their way out of the crowded tavern.
Athos can sense that the younger man wants to know why they are leaving so soon, but other than the occasional side glance, no questions are asked. His friends know that he has cut back on his drinking, but the amount they'd just shared is still much less than normal.
He wants to tell d'Artagnan that he cut himself off on this night because he's already wasted too much time and too much drink on that blight of a woman.
He wants to tell d'Artagnan that Milady no longer has any power over him. Ridding himself of the locket had been his way of cutting the ties between them. He had spared her, not because he loved her, but because he wanted to be free of her and the guilt that had plagued him for so long. He had saved her, and by doing so, he had saved himself.
He wants to tell d'Artagnan that he's afraid that he'll backslide and either fall back under Milady's spell or once again drown himself in drink, or God forbid, both. He's a better version of himself than he has been in years and doesn't want to regress to the way he had been when he'd first joined the Musketeers.
He wants to tell d'Artagnan that he has so much to live for despite all the uncertainty in their lives. One of those reasons is walking side-by-side with him, and he hopes the younger man knows how much that means to him.
He wants to tell d'Artagnan all of these things, but he doesn't know where to start and the words are either refusing to form or pass through his lips.
When he feels a hand on his shoulder and he looks over into d'Artagnan's face – a face full of admiration and acceptance – he thinks that maybe he doesn't have to say anything after all.
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The end.
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A/N: No beta; mistakes are likely.
Thanks for reading!