Friday September 9th, 1966
I talked to Cindy Forester today about dying my hair. She said her cousin used to use peroxide to bleach hers. Where the hell am I going to get my hands on peroxide? I wont be finding any of it around this house. I think we're down to half a bar of soap. I told Mom this morning that we're about out and she snapped at me, asking why I hadn't told her earlier.
"I didn't know earlier. How can I tell you something I don't know?"
She made some remark about not getting smart with her, but what else am I supposed to do. My brother is always making some smart-alecky comment and all she ever does is laugh at him. The only time she ever tells him to stop is when he's making her laugh so hard that it starts to hurt. I never make her laugh. And I can be funny too.
I'm about ready to run away from home. There is nothing to do here, and this place is such a mess that I don't think I can handle another minute here. Maybe I'll go out for a walk. Try to find some peroxide or something.
LATER
The weirdest thing just happened. I was on my way home from my walk when I walked passed my brother's friend Johnny. I think he's about fifteen, but he's small. Maybe just a taller than me, but small. But anyway, normally when I pass by my brother's friends I feel shy all of a sudden and end up looking down as I go by or sit there like a lump trying not to look like an absolute goof. Well, when I walked by Johnny today I decided that I would try to be friendly, just to see if I can do it without smiling like a maniac. I don't even LIKE this one, but it doesn't matter which one of --Two-Bi-- Keith's friends that I'm around. I can't help but giggle at any of them. Unless of course it's Ponyboy. Then I couldn't care less. In fact I think I glare at him more than anything else. When I passed by Johnny though, I actually smiled a bit and even said hi. He just said nodded and kept walking. He might have said something to me very quietly, but if he did I didn't catch it. I don't understand what is wrong with that guy. Why couldn't he just say hi back? What did I ever do to him? In a perfect world he would have been afraid to say anything to me because my brother has warned him about going near me. This is a FAR from perfect world.
So I met up with Cindy at the store. I actually decided to call her before I left so that she could come and help me find some peroxide. We found it at the drugstore down out towards downtown. I have an issue with that too, but I'll explain that one in a bit. Anyway Cindy showed me exactly what I need to buy. It doesn't seem like much of a problem for me except for the fact that a bottle costs more than I thought. Where am I supposed to get money for peroxide when I'm saving up for a haircut? Cindy offered to cut my hair for me but I said no thanks. She cut her sister's hair once last spring. Her mom is afraid to let her near the scissors again. Imagine that, a seventh grader who isn't allowed to use the scissors at home without supervision. If that was me I would take the first chance I got and stab myself to death with them. I wonder if it's possible to do that, stab yourself to death I mean. Wouldn't it hurt too much after one stab to continue? And if you hit the wrong place then you would live AND be in a ton of pain. No thank you.
Cindy did tell me that she knows how to dye hair too. I'm not sure I want her doing that. Maybe I'll just get her to tell me what you do and then do it myself before she has the chance to beg. Cindy is like that. If you tell her no she'll just show up at your locker the next morning and tell you that she's doing it anyway. It drives me crazy. Once I told her that I didn't want to be partners with her for a science project. When I got home from school that day she was waiting on my front steps to plan it with me. I guess she is the closest thing that I have to a best friend (the kind you only hang out with once a month), but I don't think it's normal for me to want my best friend disappear. Not die, that would be too much, but just disappear until we get to high school. By then she would be so popular for being the missing girl that she wouldn't want to have anything to do with me. And I would be FINE with that.
Mom just got home. Came in and asked if I'm hungry. I said no. She didn't seem to like that answer.
"Well would you at least like help me make dinner, please?"
"Why? I'm not the one eating."
"Janet," she sighed. "I'm not kidding you. One day soon that mouth of yours is going to get you in a lot of trouble." She's not kidding. I already got sent out into the hall twice this week in English class, once because I kept "talking out of turn" (ugh) and another time for talking back to the teacher. But I wasn't even talking back to her, I just hadn't heard what she'd said to me. It doesn't really matter though since none of my teachers really care when I get sent out into the hall. I had some of the highest grades in my class last year and I'm doing even better this year (at least I think) so nobody ever sends notes home or anything. Even if they did I would probably just forge a signature. Not that I've ever done that before, but that doesn't mean I couldn't figure out how.
Honestly I don't know what my mom's problem is. She gets mad at me for the most idiotic things. I mean I keep my room clean (when I can) and I do my homework. I get good grades and stay out of trouble (or at least she thinks). I wouldn't talk back to her if she'd quit nagging at me all of the time, and she wouldn't have to complain about the state of the house if she and my brother cleaned up after themselves in the first place.
She just left for her second shift but came in to tell me that there is supper on the counter if I want it. Maybe if she spent some time at home instead of working every hour of the day we might actually get along some. I don't see why she works so much anyhow. We've got hardly any money as it is. I don't even care though. Now that she's gone I'm going to get something to eat.
Oh yeah! Before I eat I forgot to mention what my problem is with downtown. See, I'm a twelve-year-old girl and I'm allowed downtown whenever I want, alone or with a friend. But Ponyboy Curtis is a fourteen-year-old BOY and he has to have somebody holding his hand anytime he wants to go anywhere out of the neighborhood. Why doesn't anybody care if I get hurt down there? Sometimes I even wish the Socs would jump me. Okay, I almost ALWAYS wish the Socs would jump me.
MUCH LATER
My brother was hilarious tonight. He came home from the movies, or wherever he was, and I swear he was drunk. He said he wasn't but I'm pretty sure I could smell it on his breath. He was being all friendly to me and dancing around the living room to the music playing on the TV. Some commercial, I don't even remember what it was for but he was singing the little jingle forever. Only he didn't actually know the words so he just kept repeating "Do not despair, do not despair," over and over until I though I was going to wet my pants. Then he started talking about the word despair.
"What does it mean anyway? Despair?"
"I think it means that you're giving up," I explained.
"Do not despair," he sang. "Do not give up. No. That doesn't sound right."
"Maybe it means to worry."
He stared at me for a long second before nodding a couple of times. "That sounds right. But only if you say 'not' before you say 'despair'. Because if you said 'do despair' it just wouldn't sound right."
"No," I agreed, "but you could be in despair."
"Like, 'I am in despair because my car is broken down' kind of thing."
"Sure," I guessed. I had no more of a clue than he did.
"You know something Janet," he said a couple of minutes later as he watched the TV. "You're really smart."
"They keep telling me that," I grumbled.
"No but really, you're a smart kid. You could do something with that." His eyes got all wide with excitement. "You could be a teacher!"
I snorted. "Not a chance."
"No just listen! You could be a cool teacher. The kind everybody likes. The one that doesn't give homework and stuff. Of course you're a girl so you'll never be THAT cool, but you could still-"
"What does being a girl have to do with how cool I am."
"Well girls are never as cool as boys."
"So you don't like girls now?"
"Oh no I like girls more than anything else in the world but I'm just saying that for some reason people always think guys are cooler. Especially teachers."
"That's not true."
"Name one girl that's cooler than any guy you know."
I thought about that for a minute. I couldn't come up with anybody, but I'll find somebody sooner or later. It didn't matter to Keith though. He changed the subject pretty soon anyway.
"You ever been skinny dipping?"
"Me?"
"Yeah you."
"No, why?"
"I was just wondering."
"Wondering if your sister's ever been skinny dipping?"
"No. I was just thinking that I've never been skinny dipping."
"You've never done a lot of things."
"That is true." He sat there for a while, staring off into space like he was thinking real deep about something. After awhile he turned to me again. "It would have been pretty pathetic if you'd already gone skinny dipping, and you're only eleven."
"I'm twelve," I reminded him. I'm always reminding him.
"Same thing."
"It is not."
"When you're my age it's the same thing." Like he's some old man or something.
I had to try him though, and asked if twelve is the same thing as thirteen.
"Nope."
"Why not?"
"Because thirteen means you're a teenager. It's different thing completely."
"Then thirteen is the same as fourteen."
"I guess, but it's not when you want to be fourteen just so you can hang out with my friends."
"Why can't I hang out with you?"
"Because you're a girl. How many girls do you see in our gang?"
"You always have girls around!"
"Oh sure, but those are just girlfriends. It's different."
"So I'll just go out with one of your friends."
"Ha! The only one you'll ever be old enough to date is Ponyboy and I know how you feel about him."
"I would date him if it meant I got to hang out with-"
He cut me off with a big laugh. "Sure. You go ahead and date Pony. Have fun. Two of you wouldn't know your heads from your asses, and then some!"
"You're not as funny as you think you are."
"Sure I am."
We ended up sitting around watching TV for awhile so I decided to sneak off to my room for a bit to write this. It's not much, but maybe when I'm older I'll look back and laugh. It would be funnier if I actually remembered half the stuff he said properly, but maybe it will come to me later. Anyway even if it
LATERER
I can't remember what I was writing there but anyway it doesn't matter. The phone was ringing and my brother wasn't getting it so I ran out to the living room to see why. He was laying on the couch, his head right next to the table where the phone is, with his eyes closed while he smiled to himself.
"Get that, will you?" he asked me.
"Why don't you? You're right there."
"You're up."
I reached behind the sofa and picked up the phone. "Hello?"
It was a deep voice asking, "Is Ponyboy there?"
"You got the wrong number." Now I'm taking Ponyboy's phone calls too? At my house even!
"Can I talk to Two-Bit?"
"Yeah one sec." I held the phone away from my ear. "Two-Bit it's your boyfriend."
He smiled even wider, still keeping his eyes closed. "Umm, which one?"
I dropped the phone on his head and left the room. I can never joke with him. He's too fast for me.
He came into my room a couple of minutes later and asked if I had seen Ponyboy. Why would I have seen him? I guess he figures I've been sneaking out to spy on him while everyone else is asleep. Maybe that's what I should do now, get some sleep I mean. I don't want to spy on anybody. I probably wont be as grumpy in the morning if I go to bed now.
A/N: Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think!