PLEASE NOTE: I AM NOT THE AUTHOR OF THIS FANFIC. ALL RIGHTS GO TO mental OF HARRYPOTTERFANFICTION. This story was removed from hpff, so I reposted here so that fans could have access to it. I am not mental. From this point on, all content belongs solely to mental.

Disclaimer: i have never been, and never will be, brilliant enough to invent something as wonderful as Harry Potter - Ms J.K. Rowling takes all credit, and i own nothing.

Assist: primarily used in American football (soccer, if you will). an assist is the clever bit of work by one player that allows the striker/scoring player to take control of the ball just before driving it into the net. an assist (or assiting player) is just as important as the scoring player, as it is this bit of difficult footwork that allows the goal to be properly set up. however, traditionalists are, sadly, often reluctant to acknowledge the importance of the assist, despite its clear prevalence in the sport.

Chapter 2: There's No Place Like Home...

'Oi!'

'Wotcher!'

'Gerroff Mum!'

'My trunk -'

'My rat!'

'Oh bollocks – the cat!'

Ze ducked the moment she was through the barrier, her instincts telling her that it was the best course of action. She narrowly missed an enormous handbag and the even larger woman wielding it; it seemed someone's rat had gotten loose…and then someone's cat… and now this behemouth of maternal instinct was swinging that blasted handbag, trying to save the cowering rat. The cat was clawing at nearby ankles, trying to beat the woman to the rodent, and Ze only just missed being scratched viciously. Fervently glad that she'd sent her own owl ahead to Hogwarts, Ze managed to weave her way out of the crowd and towards the train.

'Oi – Ze!'

She looked up to see a lanky boy with brown hair and loads of freckles grinning at her over several third years' heads. 'Clive!' she called, tugging her trunk after her and cleaving through the crowd of younger students.

He hugged her tightly, pulled back and ruffled her hair. 'Good to see you – thought you weren't going to make it though – train leaves in less than a minute. Come on!'

Together they hurried onto the train, hauling her trunk up just as the engine gave a loud whistle and the pistons began to pump. 'Come on – there's a compartment back here… how was your summer then? Did you win the football final?'

'Yeah – it was brilliant. Really close game – two to one in the end. They're our biggest rivals though, so it was only fitting. How's Tommy?'

Tommy was Clive's older brother. He had finished Hogwarts two years before, and after a year of extended study at a school in Italy, was due to start his first real job. 'Mum says she can't wait to have him out of the house. A'course, that really means she'll sob herself dry when he finally gets a flat in the city, but I won't be around for that, thank Merlin.'

Ze chuckled. 'Jack says hullo, and Mum says if you're looking for a job after school, to give her a Floo.'

Clive pulled a face. 'Oh the life of a wizard solicitor – how I cannot wait to live you. You decided what you're doing after school yet?'

Ze didn't have a chance to reply as they had reached the compartment, and the door was thrown open by a rangy boy with a shock of red hair who dragged the both of them in and slammed the door shut immediately. 'Hello to you too Rob,' Ze grinned, tilting her head up because Rob McEaneny was almost two heads taller than she. 'Have a nice holiday?'

'Never you mind that,' he said breathlessly, his dark eyes gleaming in his pale face, a wide grin stretched below them. 'Almost ruined it, you two did – tromping through here like –'

'Like everyone else is,' Ze pointed out. 'The train's barely started moving – loads of people are still looking for seats. What are you up to, anyway?'

'Potter – he's Head Boy, didn't you know?'

'Potter's Head Boy?' Ze felt her jaw drop so low she was afraid it would scrape the floor. 'You didn't tell me,' she turned to Clive, who was looking equally shocked.

'I didn't know – and I've already seen him!'

'Where is he? And more importantly, what the bloody hell happened to make him Head Boy?'

'Ought to be coming back this way soon,' Rob said in a low voice, pulling the shade slightly to the side and peering out.

'What's he doing?' Ze asked, turning to the other inhabitants of the compartment, all of them fellow Gryffindors and most of them quidditch players.

'He's set a Knicker Switch hex – you know, when James and Lily walk through, their knickers will swap places like –'

'Got it, thanks Pete,' Ze said with a nod, sparing a smile for the slightly dumpy boy, who returned it with a watery grin. She had always felt a bit bad for Peter Pettigrew, mostly because it was quite obvious that he was neither as attractive nor as clever as his three best mates, and everyone seemed to talk about it all the time. None of his friends were here now, though, which was odd. Normally where one "marauder" was there were three more - but maybe James had already been excused for Head Boy duty. Merlin only knew where Remus Lupin and Sirius Black were – probably off snogging their girlfriends in the loos.

In addition to Rob, Clive, Pete and herself, there was one other boy in the compartment, a head shorter than Rob, but twice as broad. His skin was the colour of coffee and his eyes a shade darker; his high cheekbones and sculpted mouth reminded Ze of some ancient pharaoh of Egypt. In her private opinion, Zeke Ni'KinDinga was one of the best looking boys she'd ever seen. And his girlfriend thought so too, so that took care of any romantic hopes she might have had. But in addition to being handsome, Zeke was kind and funny, if a bit quiet – certainly the polar opposite of Rob. They were Gryffindor's beaters, and a more mismatched pair of humans there had never been. Ironically, they were best friends.

'They're almost here!' Ze was squashed against the wall as Rob and Clive edged back from the door to admit a sixth person into the already cramped compartment. She heard the door shut once more and didn't need to ask who was now taking up the space by the window: Sirius Black's hair, pitch dark and shining and thick, was sticking up over Clive's shoulder. 'Here they come,' Sirius was murmuring, Rob behind him looking as ecstatic as Sirius sounded. 'And almost there – almost there – almost – THERE!'

He and Rob fell into hysterics as a loud shriek sounded from the corridor, quickly followed by a much lower voice shouting, 'What the ruddy hell!?'

'Brilliant!' Rob cackled, exchanging a high five with Sirius, who was crying he was laughing so hard.

'Nice knickers you've got there Prongs,' Black guffawed as he slid the door open. 'Really excellent colour – do they match what's up top?'

Ze, grinning widely, peered under Clive's arm to see James Potter staring in horror at his crotch, which was covered by a pair of very lacy pale green girls' pants. They were on over his trousers, and when Ze followed Clive's gaze to the girl next to Potter, she saw a violently red pair of shorts covered in miniature griffins, their wings enchanted to flap. Poor Lily Evans – she looked ready to sink into the floor. But not before she'd hexed someone's bollocks off.

She was also staring at her crotch in horror, the shorts on over her own jeans, and realisation seemed to be dawning rapidly. 'Why am I wearing pants covered in griffins?' Her head whipped round to look at him, spotting the lacy green underpants that seemed like they would be rather constricting, especially on a bloke. 'POTTER!' she shrieked. 'You give me back my knickers NOW!'

'These are yours?' Potter asked, his eyes glazing over slightly.

'Kinky, eh?' Black grinned with a waggle of his brows.

'Later mate,' Potter replied, and took off running. With another shriek, this one ending in some very nasty threats, Lily took off after him while Ze and the rest collapsed laughing.

'You know, you might have waited until they'd seen the prefects,' a dry voice from behind them said, and Ze turned to see Remus Lupin leaning idly against the corridor wall. 'They'll never be able to keep order now.'

'Thanks for the advice on responsibility Moon,' Black laughed. 'But you've got to admit, that was brilliant.'

'Oh, very,' Lupin agreed, as wry as ever. 'I just hope – for her sake – that Lily manages to catch him. They looked like rather nice knickers.'

'Well you would know, wouldn't you?' Sirius sniggered. Lupin shot Sirius a nasty glance, but then broke into a grin.

'What're you on about?' Clive asked Sirius, eyes narrowed.

'Never you mind,' Sirius and Remus chorused, and it was Ze's turn to snigger into her hand.

'What?' Clive asked, turning after her to reenter the compartment.

'Can't be sure,' she shrugged. 'But last term several pairs of knickers went missing – right out of the dormitory. Lily and that lot were on about it for ages – thought it had to be Black and Potter and Lupin, but they couldn't ever prove it 'cos there's no way for blokes to come up the stairs, right?'

'Not necessarily true,' Sirius grinned widely as he slid the door home and dropped onto the seat across from Ze. Lupin wasn't behind him – presumably he had gone on to the prefects meeting, but Ze knew he'd report back later on the Lily/James pants situation. 'There are loads more doors in your dormitory than you might think.'

Ze flashed a grin in return. 'Just make sure it's not my knickers you're nicking, and we'll be right enough.'

Sirius waggled his brows. 'Rumour had it yours weren't that, shall we say…scintillating.'

Ze tipped her head back and laughed: Sirius didn't offend her, and though she wasn't great friends with him, being somewhat quiet and shy, and honestly a bit put off by his good looks, he entertained her and they were decent mates. 'I don't buy them with the intent of anyone else seeing them,' she pointed out. 'So next time you decide to muck through people's things, leave me out of it. And if I were you, I'd avoid Dorcas Andrews too – she's convinced there's an enormous black dog going round, taking people's pants.'

'She's a nutter,' Rob said, shaking his head, joining the conversation at the mention of Ze's notoriously paranoid dorm mate. 'Tried to report me to McGonagall for having on odd socks – said it didn't match up with uniform requirements or somefing.'

'Sounds like her,' Ze yawned, settling back onto the seat next to Clive, and balancing her feet opposite between Sirius and Zeke. 'Every year she puts lines on the floor, around her bed like, and if anything crosses that line she gets a bit foamy round the mouth. Frightening, really. Lily's not much better, mind you – neat as a bloody pin, she is.'

'Bet they don't take kindly to your nasty quidditch kit, do they?' Zeke asked, flashing his white grin.

'Not a bit,' Ze replied with a small smile. 'So I make sure to leave as many old socks out as possible – just to keep them on their toes.'

Conversation got a bit distracted after that, with Ze and Clive catching up on one another's holiday, Zeke and Rob settling down to mutter over something, and Sirius and Peter whispering rapidly, no doubt plotting their infamous start of term prank. They were a bit of an odd group, the only thing in common really being quidditch. Although Sirius, Peter, and Clive lived together in the boys seventh, along with James and Remus, Clive was more often with Ze than the other four. Rob and Zeke were sixth years, and though they spent the majority of their time with the Gryffindor side, they still were close with the other blokes in their year. The only member of the team missing besides James now was Allister Wood, the keeper, a burly fifth year who was possibly more sport mad even than Ze. And that was saying something. Ze had assumed he would be here, considering his social circle mostly was the squad, but perhaps he'd been waylaid by his dormmates, all of whom seemed to like the stocky lad despite (or perhaps because of) his obsessive devotion to quidditch.

As it was, Ze had no trouble passing the remainder of the train ride in enjoyable banter with her team, Peter and, once he'd returned, Lupin. Things got a bit dicey then – seemed Peter had recently broken things off with the girl he'd been seeing over the summer…only to start on again with one of her good friends. Sirius and Lupin were having a go at him about it.

'Well it's just bad form, isn't it Pete?' Remus chuckled. 'Dating her friend right after breaking it off with her.'

'She's the one who's friends with Kate,' Peter pointed out, the tips of his ears pink. 'If it's going to be a problem, it's between the two of them.'

'Oh, come off it,' Ze snorted, not at all shy about expressing her opinion – everyone else had. 'That's bollocks and you know it.'

'What?' Peter asked. 'What's so bad about it?'

'Look, you've just broken things off with a girl – who's she going to turn to, eh? Her best friend of course. But, if the bloke that broke her heart is now dating said best friend, then not only has he embarrassed and hurt her, he's stolen her support. And that, my friend, can only be described as low.'

'Just because girls think like that –' Peter sputtered, Rob nodding sagely at his elbow.

'Girls aren't the only ones that think like that – what if you were dating a girl and then one morning she sat down with you at breakfast and said, "as much fun as it's been, I'm going to have to end it" and then turned round and started snogging Sirius? Are you saying you wouldn't be just a bit upset? With both of them?'

'Well…' Peter trailed off, not meeting Ze's eyes. 'But it wasn't like that…'

Everyone was looking between Peter and Ze, considering what she'd said. 'You know,' Rob said thoughtfully after a moment. 'If it wasn't for moments like this, I'd completely forget you're not a guy.'

'Thanks Rob,' Ze sighed. 'That's such a compliment.'

Ze's infusion of common sense effectively ended the conversation about Peter's love life, but before anything else could really take over the door opened and James slumped in, looking decidedly worse for wear. 'Lily?' Lupin asked simply.

James nodded, tucking into a narrow space between Sirius and the corridor partition. 'Horrible row – she thinks I'm the one that set up the hex. And she might be a bit upset about the fact that all the prefects saw us wearing one another's pants, too…'

Sirius winced. 'Sorry mate – it was just a joke.' Rob, looking less sincere in his contrition, nodded his support.

'I know,' James replied with a tired smile. 'No harm done, really – s'not like she fancied me before.'

'Girls are shite anyway,' Sirius growled, his voice bitter and dark, all the previous good humour gone. 'You're better off without one – trust me.' His face was drawn and his mouth was twisted in a nasty imitation of a smile.

His comment had the entire compartment hitching for a moment before conversation returned full throttle. Clive shot Ze a confused look, and she could only shrug in reply – she had no idea what all that was about. Sirius had a girlfriend, as far as she knew, one he'd been dating for almost two years. Quite the couple, Sirius Black and Grace Harper. But when Sirius continued to glare blackly into space, muttering about girls, Ze decided that something was definitely up. 'Oi, James – walk me to the changing rooms and show me where Lily's sitting?'

'Eh?' James asked, obviously confused; normally it was Clive who wandered out with her.

'I'm going to let Lily know it wasn't you who set her up – trust me, it'll make things better. So if you'll show me where she's sitting…' Ze trailed off, giving James a significant look.

'Right, okay. Er…back in a minute then…' James stood and walked out with Ze. Once they were in the corridor and the door was safely shut, he shot her a questioning glance. 'What's up?'

'How about you explain what's going on with Sirius before Clive or I put foot in mouth and say something wrong?' she suggested, keeping her voice down just in case.

James shook his head, gnawing on his lip. 'I should have thought of that – the whole team needs to be warned, I suppose.'

'That bad?'

James glanced up with a wry smile. 'Grace broke it off with him about three weeks into the holiday.'

'You're joking! But I thought they were so in love and all that rubbish.'

'Yeah, well, apparently love doesn't stretch across the English Channel. Her family went to France over hols, right?' Ze shrugged: she and Grace weren't exactly friends, and she had no idea what the other girl did during her summers. 'Well, Sirius had some, er, trouble with his family and came to stay with me – it was really bad, he's been having a hard enough time of it and then that…well, anyway, Sirius goes to owl Grace to tell her he's staying with me, but before he can even write her a note, her owl's at the window. He's completely surprised, not to mention excited because he hadn't heard from her in about two weeks, and starts reading the letter out loud to me.'

'Oh bugger,' Ze groaned.

'Yeah,' James nodded in confirmation. 'Right there in the first line – absolutely heartless.'

'She owled to break it off with him? That's just cruel.'

'I know. I've never seen him like that before – I mean, so upset. He just said he wanted to be alone, and then the next morning he came out and said 'sod the lot of them – who needs girls?' and he's been like that ever since. I don't know what to say to him.'

Ze shivered and shook her head. 'You're not the only one. But thanks for telling me – I'll make sure to pass on the basics to Clive so he doesn't go saying something he shouldn't.' They nodded, both knowing that Clive had a tendency to do exactly that.

'You going to change?' James asked, nodding towards the loos, and Ze jumped slightly.

'Er, yeah, guess I should. Wait for me?'

James grinned. ''Course – you're going to talk to Lily, remember?'

Ze groaned. But she had promised…

A/N - right, so, thanks to everyone who reviewed! i'm rather astounded by the number of people who stopped to take a look at the story! i also owe an enormous thank you to everyone who said the first chapter reminded them of the film 'bend it like beckham' - i had never bothered to see it, and after the numerous comparisons, decided it was high time i changed that. and i have to say... it's bloody BRILLIANT - absolutely hilarious. and after watching it (about six times, mind you) i can say that yes, jules' mum and my gran (the inspiration for ze's gran - she's actually a real person, and i'm sadly related to her...) have far too much in common. but, that aside, i suppose i ought to say that the original inspiration for this story was this summer's World Cup (a moment of silence for becks, stepping down) and that yes, i am completely addicted to football.

that aside, i should also go ahead and warn you that Sirius is going to be a bit different in this story - i've decided not to take the tack of his being a "playboy", and while he'll still (of course) be good looking, he won't be the arrogant, girlfriend consuming tosser he normally is. right, so read and review! please?