If these walls could talk, they would profess the unbearable heartbreak and pain that inhabits every surface and crevice of the firehouse, the atmosphere inhibited such a sadness and sorrow that Cristina strained to remember that she had once felt safe, secure, and at home…right here…within this historic building that she had bought as a gift to her husband. If these walls could talk, they would probably have no memory of the joy and laughter that once echoed throughout the vast space, they would neglect to share the happiness emitted from the two residents that once were so in love and carefree. The memory of a time, not long ago, when the firehouse was a monument to the start of a life together and the promise of a future, one that would outlast and outlive all the trials and tribulations that a marriage faces, these walls represented so much more then a roof over their heads and a place to lay to rest, Their firehouse was a testament to the agility, strength and perseverance of Cristina and Owen's union, their marriage was suppose to be as strong and resilient as the space they occupied, the firehouse had stood the test of time….surviving and standing tall through the years and decades, it was historic, it was one of a kind, this firehouse was bought as a beacon of hope and a gesture of compromise, but the couple who had once called it home, were unable to live up to the expectations that these walls had set.
Meredith had been gun ho about having Cristina stay with Derek and her, after all, she had built her friend a room in their dream house, never letting Cristina alleviate from the fact that she would always have a place to stay, a place to call home, a person who would never turn the other cheek, and always offer a shoulder to cry on and a hand to help her back up. But Cristina insisted that Meredith drop her off here…. she didn't even know why she wanted to be here…she second guessed herself the whole ride to this location, knowing that so much pain and hurt were caused within the confines of this place that she used to call home. But as much as she knew that the sight and sound of this building would bring up old memories that she had wished away, her heart would not let her deter Meredith from taking her there. She offered, pleaded and all but begged Cristina to at least let her keep her company in the firehouse but Cristina insisted that she go home to her husband and kids. As Mer reluctantly drove away, Cristina turned to face the haunted firehouse.
She found it amusing that they would end up living in a firehouse together right after they married, it was her first real act of selflessness toward Owen, she remembered the sheer and utter shock and joy that were emitted from his twinkling eyes as she popped the champagne bottle and welcomed him home. As she walked up the steps to the ghostly and vacant building, she replayed in her mind the moment she surprised Owen with his wedding gift.
Cristina had heard his footsteps coming up the stairs while he relentlessly yelled out her name in confusion. Just as she saw his shadow creeping from the last step and making his way toward the space that would eventually be their bedroom, Cristina hurriedly got up and grabbed two makeshift flutes and in one fluid motion she juggled the plastic glasses and opened the bottle of champagne simultaneously.
"Welcome Home" she exclaimed while making her way towards Owen who looked around the firehouse with his mouth agape and a huge grin forming at the realization of her words.
"Its ours!…we bought it!, well actually,…. I bought it, but its for the both of us"
"I don't know what to say?" he gestured to their surroundings with a look of confusion
"our house has a fire pole in it, what else is their to say?" she exclaimed while handing him a cup
"But you said this mornin-" he started to say before she cut him off
"I don't care where we live…I really don't, but YOU do,… you love this place….and I love you" she proclaimed as she looked deep into his eyes as if trying to express her love for him in a level that words couldn't suffice.
For Owen, their was no need for words, they couldn't justify or begin to express the look that his eyes expressed, it was pure love and astonishment, like he thought he wasn't capable of loving her any more then he already had and in that moment he realized that he had reached a whole other level of love for her. Words seemed so inadequate and useless, they were definitely not needed because Cristina and Owen could express so much to one another with the absence of sound that it was impossible to deny that they were two halves of a whole. Their was so much love illuminating from his eyes that she swore they were the bluest she had ever seen them, with a heavy sigh and another soul-penetrating look, he shook his head in one last bit of disbelief and abruptly took her into his arms letting their lips meet, with his arms secured tightly around her waist and her arms reaching to rest tightly around his neck, they stood their and showed by action just how deep their bond was.
He had not only made sure that they christened their new home that night, but he had been adamant about worshiping her body in every way possible. This act of generosity and compromise on Cristina's part had not merited a simple "thank you" to him, it was a gesture that left him breathless and awestruck, and that made him so grateful and happy that he couldn't stop showing her, his appreciation. In fact that night he ended up showing his appreciation a total of five times. And each time he brought her to ecstasy, she withered beneath him, moaning, screaming, or whispering his name depending on how he decided she should be thanked, all the while he whispered huskily in her ear about how beautiful she was, how much he loved her, what she meant to him, how he loved to fuck her, and how nobody would ever love or make love to her the way he did. He always like to remind her in bed that she was his and he was the best she'd ever had. And his arrogance only turned her on even more.
She thought that she had withstood pain before, the kind that had broken and traumatized her, changed her, and made a cynic out of her, but no amount of previous torment and agony could light a candle to the misery that she could not shake. It wasn't even just heartache, it was so much more and complex then that because she felt like, if she so much as moved her body the wrong way, it would implode.
She walked into the firehouse expecting to relive all the torture and fighting that had occured within its foundation, the scene of Owen kicking her out after her declaration that she had made an appointment to terminate her pregnancy, the harsh words that were exchanged, the image of laying on the bed and sighing in relief when Owen reassured her that he was not sleeping with a nurse she had accused of making advances at her husband. Only to have her breath taken away when he declared that he "loved her so much it hurt" oh, wait, ….I mean he professed that "it hurts…it hurts to love you".They had such a strong bond and connection that without having any solid evidence nor reason to suspect any infidelity, her whole body felt as though he had cheated on her.
The sound of sobs and violent cries echoed throughout the house, Cristina looked around and followed the torturous noise. She was guided into their bedroom and looked to her side of the bed as Owen stood before her while she was sprawled out on the bed with her head buried in the pillows while sobbing uncontrollably. She stood there and watched as her imagination replayed the scene. If this had been a scene in a movie, they would have accused her of over-acting and being too obnoxious, but this wasn't a scene in a movie, being portrayed by two actors trying to make it seem "real" and make the audience feel their pain. This was real life and this was the raw emotion that escaped from a person who had been betrayed by the one being in this world that she never thought would break her.
She walked slowly within the room as she lightly brushed the vanity with her fingertips. She made her way to the bed and slowly lowered herself at the end of it and sat down with her hands gripping the comforter from each side of her body.
This bed had witnessed many nights, afternoons and mornings full of passion and inhibited sexual excursions at the mercy of Owen and her. But for the past nine months it had been abandoned and left vacant, the squeals and moans that once echoed in the background now were replaced with silence that made this place eery and lifeless.
She missed him, God she missed him so, so much. Her mind began to wander about how the night had ended between Owen and the mystery lady. Had it even ended? Did the ego out for drinks and did he kiss her? did she kiss him back? Oh my God…. are they somewhere right now having sex? Are his hands roaming her body and trying to get acquainted, is he kissing her while trying to coyly remove her dress? Was he somewhere right now, grazing the back of her neck with light kisses? Was he climbing on top of her and slowly sliding inside her?
She shook her head back and forth rapidly while bringing her hands to her temples trying to push back the gut wrenching images her mind had just conjured up.
She stood up and starting pacing back and forth, unable to sit or stand still, she thought she was beginning to rapidly lose her mind because she couldn't form coherent thoughts, her mind was spinning out of control, and all she wanted was for it all to stop…. she just didn't want to feel anything anymore, why couldn't it stop?
Why did it hurt so bad? Why was this worse then the choking, the teddy love triangle, the shooting, the abortion, and the infidelity? Why did this feel like all those traumatic events rolled up into one bomb that exploded right in front of her? She would have never in a million years expected letting go to feel like this.
What if he's sleeping with this woman tonight and she gets her pregnant on the first try? That had been her biggest fear when Owen unleashed that he had a one night stand, she walked on eggshells everyday for the longest time waiting for the nameless woman to march into their lives and announce that she was carrying his love child. That would have killed her, this would be 100 times worse then death, it would be like lying in a hospital bed hooked up to a ventilator and being a vegetable for the rest of your life, unable to live, just to exist, but being coherent enough to visualize the love of your life, move on and live on.
Why couldn't she just want to have kids? Why did she feel like her life was over when she realized she was pregnant? Why did it matter so much to her to dedicate everything to surgery, to give it everything she had and wanted? Why did the thought of having a baby make her feel like her life was over? Why did it symbolize the end of her career? But most of all why was she suddenly willing to ask these questions and try to find the answers within herself, when she couldn't give reasons to why?, when Owen and her were in couples therapy? How come now that Owen was moving on, with her blessing to say the least, was she suddenly trying to make the pieces of the puzzle fit?
She kept pacing back and forth while trying to collect her thoughts and come up with reasonable answers for herself. She was so lost in her own world while her questions were being repeated over and over again in her head that she didn't hear or notice the loud footsteps that were headed up the stairs, and stopped in their tracks to take in the sight of Cristina rambling to herself.