Karen was standing on the throne of the Goblin King, surrounded by goblins, emitting an unending shriek. It was high volume, high pitched and highly annoying. She was wringing her hands in a panic, kicking and lashing out wildly at any goblin fool enough to approach too near.
"So what are you gonna to do with HER?" asked Hoggle. He and Jareth were standing outside the throne room, staying out of sight and peering through a slightly opened door. He couldn't figure out what Jareth was up to. He could not imagine that Jareth was actually interested in this banshee.
"I'm going to use the same scheme I tried on the father except THIS time it will work," Jareth said with confident satisfaction. "I'll get this woman to agree to give me the first creature that greets her. It will be either Robert or Toby and then I will have power over them. I will bring them back here. Then I will make Sarah an offer she can't refuse, which is that she trade herself for their release, and then I'll have what I really want, which is power over her."
Hoggle frowned.
"You sure Sarah will do that?" he asked doubtfully.
"If I threaten to feed them to the goblins, she will," Jareth grinned.
"Yuck!" said one of the two tiny goblins sitting on his left boot. Jareth bent to pat the goblin on its head.
"You won't really have to eat them," Jareth assured the goblin. "It's just a terrifying threat to coerce the love of my life into doing my bidding." The goblin smiled up at him with relief.
"So… you ever thought about maybe just askin' her on a date or somethin'?" asked Hoggle with the slightest tone of exasperation creeping into his voice.
"Pffft! That ISN'T the way it's done," Jareth said disdainfully.
Hoggle rolled his eyes.
"Now we just wait for that idiot rock caller to get here," Jareth said.
"Ludo?" asked Hoggle. "Wha' cha need him fer?"
"Look, Hiddleston…"
"Hoggle…" he sighed heavily.
"I intend to marry this girl and make her my queen," Jareth said testily. "I certainly don't need any more trouble from a mother-in-law than is already inherent in the relationship. I will feed Ludo the words to say from behind that conveniently placed low decorative screen right there and convince her to make the agreement without her knowing anything about me."
"I wondered why that was in the throne room," said Hoggle. "You're going to get Ludo to do this?" he added doubtfully.
"Yes."
"Ludo?"
"Yes!" Jareth snapped.
"Why Ludo?" Hoggle was baffled.
"Because he was the only one dumb enou…" Jareth paused to consider his words. "That is, he's the best choice, really. He's a terrifying beast, not to be trifled with. She'll agree to the terms just so he won't eat her."
"Yuck," the little goblin repeated.
"So," said Jareth, "are you going to assist me, or do you wish to spend the rest of the day in the Bog?"
"Oh, I'm gonna help," said Hoggle. "I wouldn't wanna miss this."
Jareth nodded, mollified for the moment.
"Say," Hoggle continued. "What's up with the decorations?"
The throne room was packed with kitschy decorations and motifs from the American Southwest. Dreamcatchers were hung in every corner. Several Kokopelis had been painted sloppily on the walls. Some very goblinesque kachina dolls sat in a crooked row on a window sill. Paintings of buffalo and cowboys were scattered about. Every hen in the room was wearing a little saddle. Several goblins were sporting random items of western wear, including bolo ties, cowboy hats, bandanas of various colors and cowboy boots. One particularly festive goblin was wearing a pair of chaps and a thong.
Jareth shook his head with disgust at the throne room decorations.
"I want this woman to believe she's still in New Mexico so I had the décor changed to reflect that," he said.
"Goblins decorated, dint they?" said Hoggle.
Jareth frowned and said nothing.
Shuffling steps were heard coming down the dusty hallway.
"Well, it's about time," snapped Jareth.
"Sahwy," mooed Ludo.
"Nice hat," said Hoggle. "You looks very… southwestern," he added, drawing a look of ire from Jareth.
"Dank you," said Ludo. He patted the ten gallon hat that perched on his head. It looked like a bottle cap sitting on a watermelon.
"Let's do this," said Jareth, rubbing his gloved hands together. "Just like I told you," he added, glaring at Ludo.
Karen was making far too much noise to hear the door creak open as Jareth squatted down in a pair of hand tooled leather chaps worn over his usual clinging leggings, and hurriedly duck walked behind the screen.
"Get out there," Jareth hissed at Ludo. Ludo gulped and nervously adjusted his hat.
"Get out dere," Ludo repeated.
"Don't start talking yet, you idiot!" Jareth replied in an outraged whisper.
"Not yet…" Ludo began but a hard jab from Hoggle shut him up.
"Wait until you gets inside," Hoggle whispered.
Ludo lowed in dismay and reluctantly shuffled into the throne room.
Karen was busy hurling dream-catchers like Frisbees. She was surprisingly accurate, frequently hitting goblins. She continued to emit a piercing noise and did not notice Ludo swaying apprehensively from side to side.
"Hello, dear lady," Jareth prompted from behind the screen.
"HELLO, LADY!" bellowed Ludo.
Karen stopped screaming long enough to turn to see a massive, orange furred beast wearing a ten gallon hat, wringing its giant paws and teetering from side to side. Obviously, it was preparing to pounce.
She let out a noon day whistle of a yell and proceeded to pelt Ludo with every object in reach. Fake Kachina dolls flew like rockets. Cheap goblin knockoffs of Native American pottery exploded all around the wailing rock caller as he dodged and weaved.
"Madam, please calm down," Jareth whispered as loudly as he could.
"LUDO NOT WANT!" the poor beast cried out.
"If you'll just listen…" Jareth shouted. It was unclear at this point whether he was shouting at Ludo or at the screaming missile launcher careening around the throne room.
When a painting of a buffalo looking at a man on a horse crashed into the wall above him, he decided it might be time to retreat.
"Goblin crap!" hissed Jareth in genuine dismay. "That was a real Remington!"
"Where'd you get a real Remington?" Hoggle asked from the safety of the doorway.
"Shut up, you cretin," Jareth snapped, frantically duck walking toward safety. Ludo was right on his heels, holding onto his hat and mooing with dismay.
"SHUT THE DOOR!" Jareth bellowed as Ludo barreled past him.
Hoggle slammed the door shut and all three collapsed against it.
"What about the goblins?" asked Hoggle.
"They're on their own," said Jareth.
"Wemington wuined," lamented Ludo.
"That was Ludo's painting wasn't it?" said Hoggle.
Jareth glared at the floor and refused to answer.
Considering the ghastly way things had turned out the previous evening, Jareth decided Ludo needed a pep talk; encouragement to be brave, support for his efforts and incentive to be more assertive.
"You screw up again, and it's straight to the Bog!"
Ludo whined and stared at the floor. He no longer wanted to have anything to do with Jareth's scheming.
Jareth, however, was feeling more sanguine about the possibilities this morning and was ready to make a second attempt at manipulating an agreement out of Karen.
On the previous evening, a troop of goblins had cautiously herded the yelling woman out of the filthy throne room, down the hall and into a nice suite with comfortable furnishings, chicken soup, a nice grilled cheese sandwich, a bathroom and other calming necessities such as chocolate and hairspray. She had managed to sleep a little in the soft bed, and this morning, though far from happy, she was feeling better about her situation.
The door to her room opened silently and Jareth hunkered down and waddled over to the low decorative screen. Hoggle, being just short enough, was able to simply stroll behind the screen.
Ludo, still wearing his ten gallon hat, made a cautious entrance. He stopped by the screen, fearful of going any farther into the room.
Upon seeing the giant orange beast appearing in her room, Karen leapt to her feet and snatched up the poker from the stand next to the fireplace.
"Who in the bloody Bog left the poker?" Jareth whispered to Hoggle. He and Hoggle both suddenly felt extremely vulnerable being in the same room as Karen.
"Poor Ludo," said Hoggle.
"Poor everybody if she goes off again," Jareth replied tensely.
"Po' evewbody…" Ludo began. Hoggle reached out and pinched his shin, silencing him.
"Madam, I have no intention of causing harm to you," Jareth hissed gallantly.
"Ludo not huwt lady," said Ludo.
Karen lowered the poker but did not put it down.
"I would like to strike a bargain with you," Jareth continued grimly.
"Ludo make bawgain wid lady."
"What bargain?" said Karen.
"I will release you if," said Jareth.
"I will welease you if" parroted Ludo.
"You give me the first creature to greet you upon your return," said Jareth.
"You gib me fiwst cweatuwe to, ah…" said Ludo. "Fiwst cweatuwe to…"
"Greet you upon your return!" Jareth hissed angrily. "Idiot!"
"Gweet you upon wetuwn, idiot," Ludo repeated.
Jareth smacked his palm against his forehead.
"Say what?" said Karen, looking perplexed.
"I will release you if you gives me the first creature to greets you when you returns," Hoggle said loudly.
Ludo froze in confusion. Jareth glared at Hoggle in disbelieving rage. Hoggle regretted his impulsive outburst.
"Okay," said Karen.
Jareth perked up at this and loosened his hold on Hoggle's neck.
Karen was fibbing. She had no intention of giving anybody anything. She did plan to let whatever authorities were in charge know that there was a talking bigfoot and a bunch of short, ugly chupacabras running loose in New Mexico.
"We have a bargain!" Jareth whispered, sounding positively gleeful.
"We got bawgain," said Ludo, dutifully.
"Get in here and put the bag on her!" Jareth shouted.
Karen began screaming again as goblins surged in carrying a laundry bag.
It was still dark, with the faint glow of the coming sunrise creeping into the eastern sky. A search party of deputies, search dogs and volunteers had gathered in the yard, preparing to start their search at first light.
Karen's sudden screams brought guests and dude ranch workers from every building to see what was going on. As she fought her way out of the sack, Toby, always an early riser, ran up and grabbed her around the knees, shouting "Mommy, Mommy, you hair is done!" He had been told she was at the hairdressers since he was used to her spending a great deal of time there.
And indeed, when she finally got the laundry bag off of her head, her hair looked as it had never looked before.
Jareth, watching Karen and Toby through a crystal, laughed in triumph. He tossed the crystal onto the cushioned seat of his throne and broke into an end zone type celebratory dance. His backfield was completely in motion.
Hoggle ignored this display and picked up the crystal to see for himself.
"Uh, Jareth?" said Hoggle, peering into the glistening orb. "You better looks again."
"Why?" says Jareth, rudely snatching the crystal from Hoggle's hands. He stared into the crystal with angry disbelief for a moment. "Bollocks!" he yelled and vanished.
Retrieving the crystal, and peering into it, Hoggle saw a frenzy of activity. The Williams family was packing suitcases and bags. Karen was screaming at Robert to hurry up. Robert was in the bathroom, gathering up the tiny soaps, and miniature shampoo and conditioner bottles.
"Get the towels," Karen snapped.
Robert balked.
"I'm not stealing towels!" he said indignantly.
"A bigfoot kidnapped me," she bellowed. "Get the towels!"
Robert muttered under his breath, but obediently picked up the towels. After a moment's reflection, he also picked up the washcloths.
"Daddy!" Sarah remonstrated. Robert carefully ignored her.
"Sarah," Karen snapped. "Please get Toby to the bathroom and then into the car." Karen was in no mood to be reasonable.
Sarah was completely unsettled by Karen's strange story and didn't know whether to believe her or not. While it would be possible for the sneaky Goblin King to be involved in some devious plot, this incident seemed far-fetched, even for him. What could he possibly gain by performing a peculiar catch-and-release with Karen? What could anyone gain by such a stunt? Was there really a madman or a bigfoot running loose in the wilderness? If this was an elaborate scheme of some sort, it was the stupidest one she'd ever heard of.
She decided it didn't make any difference. They were leaving so that was that. She went to get Toby.
It didn't take long for Sarah to become frightened. Toby wasn't at the daycare. He wasn't at the barn looking at the horses. He wasn't hanging around the Suburban, waiting to leave. Toby wasn't to be found.
Robert was tossing the luggage roughly into the back of the Suburban, when Sarah ran up to him.
"Daddy! I can't find Toby. Did he come back here?" Sarah panted.
"What do you mean you can't find him?" shouted Robert, a note of panic in his voice.
"Can't find who?" Karen gasped from the front of the Suburban. "Can't find Toby? No, no, no! Toby! Toby! Where are you?" she screamed.
Summoned by the shrieking, the dude ranch owner stood in the doorway of his office and groaned. What was with this family anyway? Did they have some sort of genetic disorder that caused them to continually get lost? He put his palm to his face and groaned again, before going to his phone to round up the third search party in three days.
Sarah stood quietly in the midst of this chaos grinding her teeth. It now seemed obvious to her who was responsible for this idiocy. She grimly headed for the stables to get a horse. She was going to go find a certain owl and give him a piece of her mind.
At that moment, the owl she actually had in mind was sitting on his throne, watching Toby play with the goblins. As they sorted out the rules for a game of catch-the-chicken, Hoggle took a seat on the steps in front of the throne.
"So what was the big hurry? Couldn't you just pick the boy up when they got home?" he asked.
"I wouldn't have power THERE, from a bargain made HERE," Jareth grumped in irritation. Honestly, why did he always have to explain every little thing?
"You could make a bargain there, couldn't you?" said Hoggle. He was asking questions more to annoy Jareth than out of curiosity.
"They're off balance here, more likely to make an error in judgment. In a familiar setting, they would be simply ignore any attempts at bargaining. Or they might call the authorities," he added. "Remember when Robert called animal control?"
Robert had called the police because he had goblins in the garbage cans. Of course, he thought it was raccoons, and a goblin blessed with a furry, striped tail had a very narrow escape that night.
"Yeah, I remember," sighed Hoggle, watching Toby play. He and Jareth both laughed aloud when Toby tossed a black hen into the air and yelled "NOT IT!"