Therapy for a Philophobic Chapter one:
A Change in Sequence.
The sun's rays glistened through the blinds causing a single eye to crack open. Its vision adjusted to the bright light as it looked over to the neon-green numbers displayed on the alarm clock. The time slowly registered in his mind but, so did the reality of his life that soon removed the precious few seconds of blissful disorientation.
8:20 AM it read.
With a groan, Lovino rolled off his bed and muttered a string of curses relating to the fact he had overslept for an hour and why school started at 8:50 and not an hour later. He stood and stretched earning several satisfying pops from his spine then ran a hand through his unkempt hair. Yawning, Lovino dragged himself down the stairs to the kitchen where Feliciano welcomed him with a warm hug and a smile as he stood already dressed and waiting.
"Ve~ buongiorno fratello! Did you sleep well?" Feliciano asked innocently yet, only received a grunt in response. "I was going to wake you up but, you looked really tired- even in your sleep, so I thought I should leave you in peace until you woke up. Oh, I didn't make you any breakfast or lunch because I know you don't like it when I do..."
"Yeah, thanks Feli." Was the short reply as Lovino made his way to the fridge in search for a tomato. Once finding one, he put it in a container and tossed it into his bag on the side and proceeded to pour himself a glass of water and got himself a slice of bread when Feliciano ran off after saying he forgot something. Lovino walked up and sat on the island and placed the untouched glass beside him. He swayed his legs back and forth and nibbled on the bread as he thought about his plan for his day at school.
Registration, double Physics, double Geography and double Chemistry; all in which he space out in as the world continued around him. It was a typical Monday. His family had moved from Italy to England after their mother had died from something that is yet to be explained to him. He went to an average school that had an abnormal timetable; on Mondays and Fridays he'd only have six periods which were 45 minutes each and on every other day he'd have eight periods lasting 35 minutes. It was an odd system that resulted in a change in closure time but, he was thankful that English schools started later in the day unlike American ones- if he had gone to America, there would be no chance of him ever getting up on time.
Lovino got off the island and walked back up to his bedroom and smiled slightly at the sight of his brother throwing things out of his cupboard in search of whatever it was that he was looking for. He lightly made his way to the en suite unnoticed and locked the door firmly behind him then leant against it as he clutched his forehead. A few beads of sweat trickled down his face as the room spun around him, the dizzy-spell evidently caused by the lack of nutrition. It wore off soon afterwards so, Lovino stripped down and entered the already running shower. His hands automatically reached out for items such as shower gel and shampoo whilst him mind began its morning ritual of supplying reasons for him to go to school besides the fact it was law.
He never came up with any more than one, and the one he did come up with was always the same.
"For Feliciano." he whispered. No matter how many times he's used this as a reason, it had always managed to give him the strength to live through another day despite each day pushing him closer to death. He sighed and turned off the shower, empathising with the lingering suds as he watched them flow down the drain.
Lovino turned to the door and stumbled out, wet feet drastically increasing his clumsiness, and wadded his way to the basin to brush his teeth. He stopped as he brought the brush to him mouth and took a moment to study the yellow-tinted backs of his teeth and the small build up of bile residue at the back of his tongue. These features were subtle and never noticed by anyone but, he knew his teeth would eventually rot loose and his breath would become permanently acidic; he knew the consequences of his actions. After a couple of minutes of dentist-like brushing and cleaning, Lovino left the bathroom and stifled a chuckle as he watched his brother continue his frantic search for the missing item.
Feliciano had managed to pretty much destroy the bedroom and was currently half-dressed (he most likely removed his clothes thinking it could of been in them) and was under his bed pleading for it to appear. Feeling bad for watching his brother struggle, Lovino walked up to him and grabbed his some clothes on the way.
"Seriously, what the fuck are you looking for Feli?" Lovino asked as he stepped into some skinny jeans.
Surprised at the sudden voice, Feliciano jerked his head up quickly to reply but, met the hard steel of his bed frame instead. With a yelp, Feliciano crawled his way out from under there and nursed his head until the pain sub-sided with a few whimpers escaping every now and then.
"Ve~ I'm looking for the pen Ludwig lent me yesterday but, I completely forgot I had it so, I have to find it otherwise he'll get mad at me and scold me and-and-"
"Feli, shut the fuck up. Now, where is the potato bastard's pen then?"
"Ve! Ludwig isn't a potato and he has a da-"
"Feliciano."
"Um, I don't remember where I put it but, it must be around my bed somewhere..."
Lovino, now fully dressed, looked over to the desk where he saw a blackball-point pen with "Ludwig" inscribed in gold written across it. Filled with rage, Lovino stormed up to it and grabbed it with a little too much force.
"Is this the macho-potato's pen?" It was more of a statement then a question.
"Huh? Yeah that's it Lovi!" Feliciano smiled brightly. "You have really good eyesight, I would never of-"
Snap.
Feliciano's smile fell faster than a brick as he looked at the remains of Ludwig pen in Lovino's fist.
"What do I keep telling you Feli? If you need anything, come to me not that potato-sucking, wurst-eating Nazi! Che palle!"
Feliciano pitifully whimpered as tears flowed in steady streams down his face. "B-but...!" His sentence came to a halt when the flood gates opened and Feliciano cried uncontrollably making Lovino's gut twist with guilt. He brother cried easily and frequently but it still pained him to see him like that even if it was something he considered trivial. Lovino crouched down and awkwardly pulled Feliciano in a hug which he tightly returned.
"I'm...sorry I made you upset." Lovino would rarely apologise for something and never for anything he did against the German but, he did want his brother to stop crying so he swallowed enough of his pride to do that. Feliciano's cries soon turned to hiccups then he started to put his clothes back on. Lovino's eyes drifted to at the clock on the desk beside his bed.
8:57 AM.
Why was that ringing warning bells in his brain?
8:57AM.
Wait, what day was it again?
8:58 AM.
"SHIT!" Lovino jumped up and flailed his arms about as he tried unsuccessfully to tell his brother to get in the car as they were already running late. Several failed attempts later, Feliciano looked at the clock and he too had a minor panic attack. The two ran to and then fell down, the stairs in the chaos. Lovino grabbed the keys, raced out of the house and jumped in the car only to have Feliciano run back into the house to get their bags from the kitchen. They finally got the car going and were on their 20 minute journey to Oak Grove Secondary School at 5 past 9. They had already guaranteed their detention.
Lovino pulled up to the school and parked his car. Well, it wasn't actually his car; it was a gift to Feliciano from their father (or "sperm donor" as Lovino occasionally refered to him as). Neither of them, by law, were allowed to drive it anyway as they were only 17 but, years of Lovino trying to run away via their father's car, gave him time to perfect his driving skills to the point anyone would assume he had a license.
The twins stepped out of the car and took a deep breath in mental preparation for the scolding that awaited. Just as Lovino placed one foot in front of the other to cross the road, a red blur swerved past them and came to a sudden halt, the tyres screeching in protest. Momentarily dazed by the suddenness, the Italians stared dumbfounded at the driver as he stumbled out of the car. Lovino quickly recovered and looked at the average red Volkswagen polo which he thought looked like shit standing next to their black Peugeot RCZ.
As the man stood up, Lovino quickly assessed his body.
'Around 6ft 1 making him 4inches taller than me, tanned fairly muscular body with curly dark brown hair and green eyes.' Lovino continued to stare at him, his eyebrows slightly furrowed in concentration. 'Judging from his body, he's probably around 20 and a cheery-as-fuck, half-assed body builder from the Mediterranean.'
The man sheepishly scratched the back of his head and coughed slightly under Lovino's scrutinizing and unnerving gaze.
"Haha...I'll never get used to English roads." he said with a thick Spanish accent in a failed attempt at lightening the mood. I'll give the fucker some credit for reading the atmosphere at least Lovino thought but otherwise replied with an uninterested grunt whereas Feliciano laughed lightly.
"Ve~ mister...
"Antonio" he chirped.
"Mister Antonio, do you like pasta?"
What? Of all things to ask a stranger, you ask if he like pasta? Lovino thought. It was apparently effective as the two began to converse comfortably as if they were old friends re-uniting. Lovino barely listened to what they were saying yet, he could still pick up every time Antonio called Feliciano "cute" and "adorable" and soon grew irritated. Lovino told Feliciano to get in the school who instantly obeyed and broke into a run. As he ran however, he kept turning around to wave at the man.
Lovino continued to walk and put about 5 metres of space was between them. The Spaniard stopped waving when Feliciano was out of sight then remembered what he was supposed to be doing in the first place and ran after Lovino.
"Oye!" He called out to them and quickly caught up. "I don't suppose you know where Oak Grove Secondary School is?" he said with a slight smile.
"Che cazzo?" Lovino just stared with disbelief at the man in front of him who in turn was standing in front of the very large sign clearly indicating the entrance of said school. The stare soon turned to a scowl. "Why should I help you?"
"Well, you seem really friendly so I thought I should ask you in case you knew; I've been driving around for ages in search of it."
Lovino paused for a second. I take back what I said about giving this guy credit for reading the atmosphere; a rude and impatient Italian generously giving hateful glares to any insufferable person to cross his path is clearly the very embodiment of a friendly atmosphere. Moron.
Lovino released an exasperated sigh. "It's right in front of you bastard."
"Gracias amigo!" He smiled brightly "I'll be off now; I don't want to worsen my already bad first impression." Then proceeded to run off toward the door.
"first impression"? Lovino inquired so he's going to be a new assistant teacher then?
"God help the class he assists" Lovino looked at his watch and hurried off to school.
When he finally got in the school, he discovered that he had completely missed the morning session and some of his first period so, hastily signed in knowing Feliciano would have gone in the opposite direction for his lesson: Drama.
Lovino made his way to the science block and calmly walked into his Physics class. His teacher gave an acknowledging nod which Lovino returned. The teacher, Mr. Ward, was fairly laid back and didn't mind his students coming in late if it was no more than 15 minutes. Lovino took his seat next to an English boy with a pair of caterpillars for eyebrows. The two didn't talk often as both had a similar preference for silence.
The silence was soon broken when an excessively hyper-active American came in through the... window?
"The hero has arrived!" He proudly declared and struck his "hero" pose. No one reacted for it was a daily occurrence and Mr. Ward told him to sit down.
"Hey Arty!" He said to the English boy and ruffled his already messy light blond hair with green highlights.
"It's Arthur you knobhead." He replied and jerked his head out of the American's grasp.
"Humph! Maybe I should just call you Art-iculate then."
"If you do that Alfred, not only will you have no hopes of ever producing children, you will have to urinate from your arsehole." Alfred's face paled and he placed his hand protectively over his threatened regions.
Mr. Ward continued with the lesson about the solar system when the class had settled down.
Lovino spaced out as the solar system was one of the only topics he knew. He thought about his meeting with that idiot Antonio and how he naturally gravitated to Feliciano. Like everyone else He thought bitterly.
Feliciano was like the sun he deduced. Everyone that met him instantly shaped their actions and attention so that it revolved around him and nothing could break them out of their orbit. Lovino leaned against his hand as he dwelled deeper in the analogy. In this context then, he must be the moon; only every appearing in the sun's reflected glory and only the exact same part of him ever been seen. The same cold, rocky side everyone assumed was the same all over.
His mind drifted between the lesson and the encounter for the rest of the double period and sighed as the bell rang for break and he went to go and relieve himself of the memory.
Even though meeting a new person was a change in his gray-scale life, it ended up blending into the darker sections of it.
The Geography lesson passed quickly, they were recapping rivers and the hydrological cycle in general which caused many students to groan and ask when (if ever) they were going to go outside and say "oh, this river has a nice meander in it but, it'll turn into a ox-bow lake soon" or "It doesn't precipitate that much in Australia, let's plants some tree so they can transpire".
During lunch, Lovino sat on the roof of one of the blocks. He wasn't allowed to by unwritten rules but, he sat far enough to not draw attention to himself and be told to get down. He lay on his back whilst munching on his tomato. He lazily looked up at the sky and named animals for the correspondingly shaped clouds and made some up for the unusual ones. At some point he had fallen asleep and was woken by the annoying sound of the bell.
Chemistry was his last and most hated subject. He hated balancing equations and doing any practical that required uttermost precision or would spontaneously combust otherwise. Both tasks were set every single lesson by his indirectly sadistic teacher.
He climbed off the roof with surprising grace and dragged himself to the classroom.
A101
As soon as he read it, he remembered the dreaded room 101 from the novel 1984 he had studied for English a year or so back and decided that what lay behind it would be a sufficient torture method for himself if he was in the book. He pushed the door open to become the full attention of a silent class room. The teacher, Miss Perry, smiled a sickeningly sweet smile at him and asked him why he was late. But before even a word came out of his mouth, she cut him off with an order to go and sit down with a sinister tone. Lovino hastily obeyed.
There were no more seats free at the tables so Lovino settled at the work bench that went around the entire room with his back to the class. Miss. Perry continued with the lesson and moved on to explain the practical which was something about displacement reactions and Halogens but, couldn't quite make out what she was saying due to the two boys snickering behind him. He recognised the unorthodox laughs as the ones belonging to Françis and Gilbert; the two biggest trouble makers in the school.
*grope*
Lovino blushed momentarily stunned as he felt a hand firmly grab his ass. He soon filled with rage and turned to punch that stupid stubble covered, Frenchmen's face in when the door creaked open and a panting man came in. Lovino's fist unclenched as everyone turned to look at him, even the teacher was speechless. A thin layer of sweet glistened slightly over his tanned face and half-exposed muscular arms. When he caught his breath, the man stood up and the familiar face beamed when he made eye contact with everyone in the class.
"Sorry I'm late Miss, I got lost after lunch when I went to go buy some tomato's at a shop nearby."
Miss. Perry flushed slightly at the sight of him but, quickly regained her composure and asked him who he was.
"Ah, si. I am Antonio Fernandez Carriedo and I just recently turned 18..."
Lovino's jaw dropped. Just turned 18? The moron looks fucking 20 at the least!
" ...and moved here from Spain about a month ago. I don't remember my form name or room but it's a technology class room. Oh, and I'm joining this class." He finished with a bright smile.
Miss Perry introduced herself and told him to go sit next to anyone he recognised. His emerald eyes scanned the room looking at every single face in search for one that clicked in his mind. Antonio's eyes brightened as they landed on a certain brunette trying to hunch over in the corner in a futile attempt to not be seen. Antonio skipped across the room and pulled up a chair next to Lovino and the class returned to their work. He smiled blindingly as all of his pearly white teeth were shown and waited for Lovino to react of his presence.
Realising that he wasn't going to get a reaction, Antonio poked him on the head receiving a frustrated grunt of acknowledgment from the boy who then turned to look at him. Antonio didn't spend any time really looking at his face as he assumed he was just a moody version Feliciano.
"¡Hola Feliciano's brother!"
Lovino stared at him.
"It's Lovino tomato-bastard."
"Ah okay, what's your last name?" Antonio asked unaffected by the insult.
"I'll tell you, it's keep-your-fucking-nose-out-of-my-business-and-piss-off."
Antonio paused for a while and his eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he tried to decipher the information he had. His expression changed to that of confusion.
"That's a really odd name."
Lovino's palm collided with his face, this guy is stupider than I thought.
"Look, I'm not going to tell because I don't want to. Now leave me alone." He turned his attention back to the trees outside.
"Aww but Lovi! You look like you need some company!"
"..."
Lovino's head snapped back to Antonio and his eyes went wide for a fraction of a second. They narrowed and darkened to produce a glare cold enough to freeze fire.
"Don't you fucking dare say that to me as if you knew my life story like the back of your hand. I don't need you and I don't need anyone."
Antonio stared wide-eyed with shock at how Lovino responded. What he said was an innocent statement that he used as an excuse to spend time with someone. He had used it on everyone he saw alone whether it was a homeless man or a person on the bus. He'd get disapproving and generally freaked looks but, never has anyone reacted with such...
He didn't even know a name for the raw emotion shown in Lovino's tone but, it was clear enough for someone as thick as himself to see that it struck a nerve. Antonio looked with guilty eyes at Lovino who blindly stared outside; probably consumed with thoughts he was responsible for resurfacing. Antonio sighed and moved his seat to that he sat next to Françis, figuring it was best he got out of Lovino's sight.
The lesson continued like any other Chemistry lesson. Antonio had got on with everyone quickly and had become great friends with Gilbert and Françis. The work was confusing but a girl who had already finished the practical thankfully let him copy her results and answers leaving him with a whole period to mess around with the chemicals and Bunsen burners. It was exciting watching the purple flames erupt from the potassium once it made contact with water (a reaction Gilbert had discovered the painful way once washing his hands after spilling it on himself) but something or rather, someone kept nagging him in the corner of his mind every time he laughed or found something he enjoyed.
His eyes looked round the room in search of said person, eliminating the ones that didn't fit, and eventually landed on Lovino. He noticed that Lovino was in the exact same position he was in near the beginning of the lesson, completely undisturbed as everyone worked around him. Antonio stood and looked for a long time wondering why Lovino hadn't attempted to do any work or interact with anyone.
"I don't need you and I don't need anyone" had echoed through his mind when he finally saw Lovino.
His hair silky and a shade of brown that was a cross between chestnut and mahogany with a wild curl sticking out from the parting. His skin had paled due to the English weather and bore a few faded scars from childhood injuries but, it still retained some of its naturally radiant glow from Italy. He body, from what he could see, was quite thin but did have lean muscles lying underneath it so he thought nothing of it. Long slender fingers cupped his face whilst the others subconsciously scratched away at the tabletop with nails a little too familiar with his mouth.
Antonio's gaze moved to Lovino's face and his breath hitched as they landed on his eyes. Yes, they were darkly rimmed and had a few red veins from lack of sleep but they were absolutely beautiful. His irises were a jade green around the edges and gradually faded to a light brown as it reached his pupil. There were soft golden flecks scattered throughout the iris acting as the icing on a cake. His eyes were just like a sunflower, Antonio concluded.
Yet as he continued to fall into his eyes, he realized that this sunflower was closed. It was unusually bright outside but somehow, his eyes didn't shine, they were simply reflecting the light that passed through them. Lovino's eyes showed nothing but hollowness as he stared blankly, lost in thought.
"I don't need you and I don't need anyone"
And it hit him. Lovino did need someone, he didn't know who, how or why but he knew it as a fact. Lovino told a lie he believed himself.
Antonio jumped slightly as Lovino got up and proceeded to leave the nearly empty classroom.
When did the bell go?
Antonio carelessly through his books back into his bag and raced out to catch up with Lovino. He thought about both twins and how different they were, even physically once you look at them long enough. However, by the time he had got out the block, Lovino was long lost in the sea of relieved students.
"mierda"
Lovino sighed as he waited for his brother in their car. He'd been in there for an half an hour now after spontaneously taking a walk (just as long) around the estate until Feliciano's extra curriculum session ended. He dropped his head and rested it against the steering wheel. Ugh, I shouldn't have gotten so worked up over the Spanish-bastard's words; I completely overreacted. His train of thought was interrupted by the passenger door shutting with a click.
"Ve~ how was your day fratello" Feliciano asked as he struggled to put his seatbelt on due to the pile of books in his hands.
"Fine Feli." Lovino raised his head and helped Feliciano put his seatbelt on. Once secure, he twisted the key and smoothly reversed out of the parking lot, taking a quick glance at the empty space beside them that was previously filled by a red polo.
"Anything interestingly different happen today?"
"...That Spanish bastard we met today wasn't a teaching assistant, he' a new student who is now in my Chemistry class...that's all." He decided to leave the details of their second encounter out.
"hmm, that's good. Ludwig didn't get mad when I told him about his pen and even gave me a new one to keep! Oh, and in English, Elizaveta had to..."
Lovino zoned out for the rest of the journey home knowing Feliciano would continue mindlessly chatting about his day. They pulled up to their house and got out with Feliciano still carrying on with the one-sided conversation and they entered the house.
"Ve~ home sweet home~! I'll go make some pasta for dinner, it'll be ready in about an hour."
At the mention of pasta, Lovino's stomach growled. He ignored it and remembered his promise earlier that day but, decided he'd rather let Feliciano make it seeing as he couldn't cook to save his life. Lovino threw his bag across the room where it landed on the sofa and made his way to the stairs.
"Oh and Lovi, before you go" Feliciano called from the kitchen "Do you know what 'Philophobia' means? We were studying phobias in Drama but, I didn't understand what the person was doing when he preformed it."
"Why didn't you just look it up in a dictionary afterwards?"
"Ve~...I had forgotten about it until now."
Lovino sighed and paused for a moment as he looked through his mental list of vocabulary.
"I don't know Feli and I don't really care."
"Oh, never mind then."
Lovino continued upstairs to their bedroom and changed into his pyjamas. No one would be coming over today and he sure as hell wasn't going to go out. Finding nothing better to do, Lovino decided to grab his laptop and Google the word Feliciano asked him about before dinner.
He looked at the time quickly and it read it to be 5 to 5. His eyes closed as he counted down the moments until the front door opened and a "Bentornato papà~!" was heard.
Lovino sunk into his bed, reluctantly visualising the scene of his little brother running up to his father's open arms. Their father cooed at him and asked him questions like "How was your day" and "what's for dinner?" completely forgetting his eldest son.
Lovino scowled and angrily search 'philophibia' and clicked on the third link. He started thinking about the day and how it had changed for the worse but,it was still change nonetheless and it was enough to block out some the resurfacing memories that never sunk far. Deciding to take a siesta now, Lovino moved the laptop off his lap and onto the desk by his side. He laid down and the tiredness quickly settled in causing his eyes to slowly flutter shut. In his last moments of consciousness, Lovino skimmed over the definition and lingered on the last line until he fell into deep sleep.
Philophobia is the fear of being in love and falling in love. The risk is usually when a person has confronted any emotional turmoil relating to love in the past but also can be chronic phobia.
Philophobia is defined as the abnormal, persistent and unwarranted fear of falling in love. This affects the quality of life and pushes a person away from commitment. It also triggers various symptoms that may incorporate sweating, irregular heartbeat, shortness of breath, feelings of dread, nausea and feeling of restlessness. The worst aspect of fear of being in love and falling in love is that it keeps a person in solitude.
Thank you to all those who read, reviewed, favourited and subscribed to this story! They made me all giddy as I read them and really motivated me to write the first chapter which is the most I've ever written for a story (it's 4, 727 words without the definition which is about 10 pages on microsoft word). The definition I copied from Wikipedia so i don't own that or the awesome Hetalia: Axis Powers.
I'll answer each review individually but now, I will clarify a some things.
Yes, you will find out Lovino's past in detail and all in one or two chapters that and I will fully explain the causes for and all of his conditions.
Also, the reason behind Lovino describing his eyes as puke in the prologue is the fact that I wasn't sure what eye colour I should go with as, Lovino is shown to have four different eye colours (green, gold, hazel and brown) so, I just mixed them up and a combination like that reminded me of puke and it would make sense for a self-loathing person to think this too if I could. Oh, and sunflower eyes do exist, I have a friend with a pair and I think there really pretty.
Thanks again for reading this~! Don't hesitate to point out any flaws.
Translations (besides the obvious):
Italian:
"buongiorno" - Good morning
"Fratello" - Brother
"Che palle" - It's the equivalent of saying "What bull"
"Che Cazzo" - What the fuck
"Bentornato papà"- welcome back dad
Spanish:
"mierda" - shit
English slang:
Knobhead- Dickhead