PARODY and HUMOR, with a dash of CRACK.
Rating: T
Summary: Naruto (Codename: Dr. Pwnsome) along with his two closest friends (Codnames: KittyWitty and 2HotYou)... and Kurama (Codename: BringingSexyBack… don't ask. Naruto still can't remember what happened that night) head back in time to make some serious, thoughtful and life-alternating changes. Not at all because they want to screw around. Really. Timetravel!Naruto
Disclaimer: I'm just violating - er, I mean, playing with Kishimoto's toys.
Warning: Language.
Namikaze Naruto took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
It was good to be back.
That, Naruto reflected, had a double meaning for that moment. At the current age of eight years old (physically), Naruto relaxed in his one bedroom apartment, smiling contently.
It had seemed that the sealing had worked stupendously.
No shit.
Naruto's eyes closed and he felt a familiar tingly sensation rush over him before he stood before an old scenario. The cage of Kurama.
Naruto laughed. "Damn. I haven't seen you caged in what… two decades?"
"This sucks," Kurama complained. "Hurry up and rip this stupid seal off me."
"You know I can't do that," Naruto pointed out. "And dear Ramen King, we must be giving Tou-san a heart attack now. Hey, Tou-san, can you hear me? Of course you can, who am I kidding? And Kaa-san… hey."
"Can't you do your little family reunion later?" Kuram whined. "I hate being caged!"
"Shh," Naruto hushed his old friend. "I know you're confused, so let me explain. Hi, I'm your son, Namikaze Naruto. Only for as long as the two of you know, I should be going by Uzumaki Naruto. It's kind of a long story, which is a good thing we have plenty of time. I know you two can hear me, can see me even, from Tou-san's special tweaking with the seal, and I know you two can talk to me, but don't. Not yet. I need to add my own adjustments to the seal so you two don't run out of chakra so soon. Just hear me out."
"Like they have a choice," Kurama muttered.
"Quiet, you," Naruto said absently. Kurama snorted, glowering at his little blond friend. "Anyway, like I was saying, I've been going by the name Namikaze Naruto for quite some time. Two decades, actually. Now I bet you're a bit confused by that. Well, I'll try to explain it in the best way I can."
"Considering how horrible you are at explanations, that's going to be a bit of a challenge," Kurama snarked.
Naruto glared. "Don't you make me get the squirt bottle."
Kurama wisely kept quiet after that.
"I'm from the future," Naruto declared. "I'm thirty-seven years old and the Rokudaime Hokage. I, along with two of my most trusted friends, have come back into time."
"For a stupid reason," Kurama muttered.
"I could have, you know, left you behind," Naruto commented idly. Kurama snorted.
"You love me too much to do that," Kurama retorted.
"Damn me and my big heart," Naruto deadpanned. "We came back in time to sort of fix our lives. Or at least, I did. And I think KittyWitty did, too. 2Hot4U just came for the hell of it, but I'm sure they intend to fix their lives, too… somehow…"
"Your life wasn't even that bad after the war," Kurama muttered.
"Yeah… But it could have been so much better. I mean, I really didn't like the fact that my Godfather died and Nagato-niichan and the Old Man, and, Neji and…"
"We get it, we get it," Kurama groaned. "It could have been better."
Naruto nodded his head. "Exactly. So we just came back in time to make our lives a helluva lot better. Don't worry. I'm still your son and I love you both very much. Just, you know, don't have a panic attack when you see me doing some stupendous stuff because don't worry. I am very much a stupendous person and ergo stupendous stuff is bound to come out of me."
"That was so wrong," Kurama moaned. "Why did I agree to come back with you? By the Sage, I must have been delirious."
"Can you get delirious?" Naruto asked curiously.
"I don't know," Kurama confessed. "But I must have."
Naruto snorted. "Whatever. You love me and you know it, you big furball."
Kurama lifted his nose pointedly and sniffed. "Don't be absurd. I hate you."
"Well if that's how you feel, then I won't let you out."
"I take it back, I love you," Kurama said quickly.
Naruto grinned. "Awesome. Alright, well I'm off to go have some ramen in celebration. Woot! I can't believe I actually made a time-travel seal. I'm so fantastic, I'm speechless."
"I wish," Kurama muttered dryly.
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
Naruto slurped his noodles, grinning happily to himself. First things first was breaking into the Namikaze manor and grabbing the essentials. And he had better make sure the ANBU caught him too. Better to get that mess out of the way and done with. After that, he better get started on modifying 2Hot4U's—
"Naruto, you seem to be in a bit of a hurry tonight," Teuchi commented, smiling gently at his favorite little blonde customer.
"I've got somewhere to be, Teuchi-san," Naruto said with his trademark grin.
"Oh? Where's that?" Ayame asked teasingly.
Naruto's eyes twinkled. "Where else? Home!"
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
Naruto gave a hum as he skipped through the streets of Konohagakure, perfectly content with everything. He was still feeling a giddy high off of the success of his time-travel seal. He wasn't quite sure when his comrades would be arriving, but that didn't matter. What mattered was that he had actually made it and he was so going to change things.
Naruto cocked his head, listening to the two ANBU guards that stalked him. From the date and time, Naruto had arrived roughly a week after he first entered the academy. He was originally quiet for the first month in the academy before he realized he had to get loud to get attention. He was debating on breaking his quiet facade early, or just rolling with it. It really would just depend on the young Hokage's mood.
First thing was first, and that was getting access to all the supplies he needed, and the best way to do that… the Namikaze manor! But, of course, no normal student could possibly be able to access the manor. Unless they were secretly a Kage in disguise, but they (the mass majority of Konoha) wasn't supposed to know about that quite yet. The best thing about coming back so far in the timeline, was that Naruto wasn't widely known as the dead-last, yet. In fact, no one really knew how well Naruto was shinobi-wise. For all they could know, maybe Naruto was a rising prodigy… of sorts.
No more Dead-Last, Naruto thought appreciatively. Naruto the prodigy. Naruto - Prince of Shinobi. Naruto - King of Shinobi. Naruto - the new God of Shinobi. Ooo, I like that title. Way better than my last one. Naruto - Peacebringer. Yuck. That just sounds… boring. I think I'll set out to kick Hashirama's ass in terms of epicness.
With those happy thoughts in mind, Naruto happily skipped off in the direction of the manor. When he was nearly there, he decided it was time to give his guards the slip. It wouldn't seem too weird that he noticed them - they were sloppy from the start, thinking he was just a civilian boy with no training and very little intelligence. They didn't bother to hide their scent, or even cast a genjutsu or henge over them. Naruto felt mildly insulted by that.
So with vindictive glee, Naruto turned around a corner (momentarily out of their sight - they wouldn't bother following after him for a handful of seconds… lazy, lazy), then used his Sexy-no-Jutsu to transform into what Kakashi so lovingly (okay, so maybe it was more mocking than anything) called Naruko. As Naruko, he flipped his pigtails, using a minor genjutsu to change his hair to a flat, pale brown, and huddled in an overly large sweatshirt. He skipped out into the bustling street, and felt a gleeful smile cross his face when he smelt the panic from the ANBU as they realized their charge had disappeared from their eyes.
My ANBU would never be so sloppy, Naruto thought with a sigh as he continued to skip to the Namikaze compound. It didn't take long to reach the deserted compound, and when he did, he released his henge, knowing no one would be around. He stared up at the compound, tilting his head.
He knew that nearly every inch of the place was layered in blood-seals, sealing seals, trap seals and death seals. He also knew that he only had to willing give a certain amount of his blood, and all of the seals would deactivate (except for the extra protection seals that were placed further into the compound). He bit down on his thumb, rubbing the blood all over the gate before stepping back and waiting patiently.
The iron gate sizzled and popped before swinging wide open.
Naruto nodded his head, expecting the action, before continuing the skip into the compound.
Hey. Real men skipped.
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
Naruto had a spew of blood-sealed scrolls laid out before him. He was flipping through them, making a list of each scroll he had. He couldn't quite remember how many scrolls he started off with when he first nabbed the compound back in his old timeline, and he wanted to make sure he had the same scrolls he had before he traveled back in time. He wasn't even a quarter through, before countless ANBU entered the compound, and a furious Hiruzen stormed in after them.
Naruto blinked up innocently as Hiruzen faltered, his eyes wide when he found none other than Naruto, in the heart of the compound.
"Hey, Jiji," Naruto greeted, giving him a foxy grin. "Check it out. My guess was totally right. Am I a genius, or what?"
He blinked several times, before he recovered, giving his young friend an incredulous expression. "... Naruto. Is this where you've been? Have you seen anyone come in before you?"
Naruto huffed. "Don't be ridiculous, Jiji! I broke in here all on my own. I was right, wasn't I? This place as covered in the - uh - the - uh - blood seals, right? I've read some things about them, but I'm not too familiar with them. The Yondaime was a seal master, right, right? I thought it would be so kickass if I was one, too. You remember I was telling about how - how he's, like, my hero, right, Jiji?"
Hiruzen did remember Naruto telling him so. Many times before. He did not expect, however, for Naruto's hero-worship to bring him to researching further into the Yondaime.
The ANBU watched the exchange, unreadable through it all.
"So what brings you here, Naruto?" Hiruzen asked patiently, tilting his head towards his ANBU. They scattered about, disappearing from view.
Naruto and Hirzuen could, of course, still sense them.
Naruto grinned at Hiruzen. "What brings you here?"
"We have our own alarms set up on the compound," Hiruzen said patiently. "When the seals broke, we were alerted. You had… disappeared from sight and we couldn't find you. I had thought someone had forced you to give your blood and broken into our dear Yondaime's home."
Naruto gave a thoughtful hum. "Nope! No one forced me. I figured it all out on my own. You know… You know while I was looking up seals and stuff, I found this really weird word. Jinchuuriki. It was so… well, it was really different, so I started looking that up - "
Under normal circumstances, many would have been suspicious at this point. After all, since when did Naruto visit the library? Well, that was exactly why Naruto chose this specific point in time to travel back, and not before even entering the academy, or at a later date. From the day the old Naruto entered the academy, to the end of the first month, Naruto actually spent his evenings at the library.
Why?
Because it was the perfect place to scheme. That and the first month of the academy Naruto actually tried studying before deeming it too much of a hassle and moving to more 'important' things. He wanted this all out in the open right away; he didn't have the patience to set up a nice and neat cover story. It was for that reason that Naruto came back to this specific day.
" - and then I started to think it was so weird that I was treated like a monster by the mass majority of the village, and that my birthday was the same day that the fox disappeared. You know… You know that the Yondaime was a seal-master, and… and to become a jinchuuriki you need an infant, a seal master, and a bijuu. Well… well on that day, we had all three. The fox did a lot of damage… killed a lot of people. That kind of catastrophe… they needed a scape-goat, right? That's why they hate me. Well, when I figured that out, I started wondering where the Hokage got the infant in the first place… and while I was wondering that, I was staring at a picture of him. And then I started to realize that, hey! He looks a lot like me! And it turns out that the Yondaime was expecting a son with Uzumaki Kushina around that time, too. I just… I just thought I'd give my theory a whirl and try out the compound - there's bloodseals all around this place and the fact that my blood was what let me in…" Naruto trailed off, smiling foxily.
Hiruzen stared at Naruto for several moments before he gave a slow smile. "Excellent deduction, Naruto, however next time you want to… test your knowledge on such an important thing, perhaps you could talk with me, first."
Naruto grinned brightly. "Oh, yeah, sure thing… hey, I'm not in trouble, am I? I mean, technically this is my home."
"Not this time," Hiruzen said quietly. "However, I must ask that you keep your heritage to yourself. There is a reason why we did not reveal to this to you earlier."
"Sure thing, Jiji! You can totally count on me. I am going to be the next Hokage."
Hiruzen chuckled, and Naruto inwardly smirked in satisfaction as Hiruzen's guard finally dropped.
"Although," Hiruzen said, "I am curious to how you recognized bloodseals so easily. You've only spent less than a month in the library, and even less time studying seals."
Naruto tilted his head, batting his eyelashes and jutting out his bottom lip. "Why do you sound so surprise, Jiji? Seals are so easy!"
Naruto politely ignored the spluttered cough of several ANBU members.
Hiruzen stared at Naruto. "Easy?"
"Yeah, super easy. I've already memorized how to do storage and explosive seals! Although, from what the texts showed, they aren't all that efficient - did you know there's an actual limit to what you can store? And you can't call out specific items! That's just absurd - having to summon all the items you have in a scroll… what a waste of time."
"I agree - "
"So," Naruto said pointedly, "I decided to tweak 'em. Now it's all fixed! Want to see?"
Hiruzen starred in mild disbelief as Naruto produced a slip of paper.
The seal was something Naruto had made years ago. It actually took him several months before he was actually satisfied with the end result. It was capable of regulating the temperature for some items, as well, and for smaller items it could suspend time. That way when Naruto made some cup ramen, all fresh and steamy and delicious, he could place a whole bunch in his sealing scroll and when he opened them (perhaps days later), they would still be steamy fresh, and the noodles wouldn't even be soggy!
It was one of his proudest innovations.
Hiruzen scrutinized the seal. He knew the basics of fuinjutsu, but he was by no means a master. However, he could easily spot a complex seal when he saw one, and the seal he held was most definitely complex.
"Try it out!" Naruto said excitedly. "I've got ramen in there, so just summon like you normally summon, but say Ramen, one."
Hiruzen dubiously did as Naruto instructed, and with a puff of smoke, there was a cup of steaming ramen in his hands. Fresh - as if just made only moments ago. But Hiruzen knew that wasn't possible.
"I've got chopsticks in there. Chopsticks, guest," Naruto instructed.
Again, Hiruzen mimicked, and a pair of chopsticks appeared in his other hand.
"... That's… impressive, Naruto," Hiruzen managed, his mind already working through just how helpful Naruto's scroll would be for his shinobi and kunoichi. "Do you mind if I hold onto this?"
"Sure," Naruto said easily, "but you'll need me to make more, Jiji! Trust me on that."
"Yes, well…"
"And I'll be delighted to make more… in exchange…" Naruto trailed off, a puppy-dog look morphing his face.
Hiruzen raised an eyebrow.
"I'll make one entire batch of seals in exchange that an ANBU member teaches me one new move. It can be anything! From chakra-exercises to ninjutsu, taijutsu, genjutsu…!"
Hiruzen had to hide his smile of amusement. That was more like the Naruto he knew. Not that this intelligent side of Naruto was a huge surprise. Naruto already showed himself to be a clever boy with his ingenious pranks.
"Come on, come on, Jiji! Learning from the ANBU would be sooo cool and I'm already going to be the next Hokage, so you might as well just give me a hand so I can be Hokage even sooner! Come on, pleeeeeeeeeeeeease?" Naruto pleaded, his voice pitching to a childish whine.
"I will discuss it with my ANBU," Hiruzen said, chuckling. "However, it is late, Naruto. We can discuss arrangements regarding the compound, as well as anything else you might want, tomorrow. ANBU-Leopard, please escort Naruto back to his apartment."
Naruto gave a great, big, sigh, his entire form slumping over in exaggerated disappointment.
Hiruzen watched Naruto leave for a handful of seconds before he beckoned forward to his ANBU Commander - Stag. Stag was Konoha's residential fuinjutsu master, and while he would be nowhere near is advanced in the art as Jiraiya of the Sanin, or Minato the Yondaime, he was still highly knowledgeable in the field.
"Examine this and give me your thoughts," Hiruzen said patiently.
"Sir."
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
Exactly three hours later, Hiruzen sat back at his desk, finishing the last of his paperwork for the night. It was nearly midnight and the old man was anxious to return home and sleep. He finished early, after all, despite the whole Naruto-fiasco.
Before he could leave, however, three of his ANBU appeared before him, each kneeling. In the center was his Commander, Stag. To Stag's right was Ferret, the ANBU Captain in charge of infiltration and gathering information, and to Stag's left was Owl, ANBU Captain in charge of decoding, encoding and classifying all information - he was also the unofficial head of the T&I.
"Yes?" Hiruzen asked, repressing a sigh at the fact that he knew he would be staying a bit later. That, and he just knew he would be getting headache inducing information.
"I have personally reviewed the seals, sir," Stag said swiftly.
"... And?"
"... And I want him in ANBU."
"... Excuse me?"
"I request permission to pull Naruto out of the academy effective immediately and place him in ANU - I'll personally train him until he is fit to actually serve in the ANBU."
Yep. There started Hiruzen's headache. Hiruzen rubbed his temples. "... And why would you want an eight year-old academy student in ANBU?"
"His seal is perfect," Stag said in all seriousness. "The fact that he was able to create something in under a month and with such ease is a clear sign for a fuinjutsu prodigy. As you know, fuinjutsu masters are scarce to come by, prodigies even rarer. Even the Yondaime wasn't as advanced as Naruto is."
"I also support this request," Ferret added. "He was able to deftly and efficiently escape and evade his two ANBU guards, and the entirety of the ANBU guard when we realized he was missing for some hours. He shows promise in stealth, something my squad highly prizes. I suspect he'll become a prodigy in that regard, as well."
"Not to mention his reasoning and deduction skills are impressive for an eight year-old," Owl said, his voice quiet, but carrying. "If trained properly, I, too, believe he could become a great master in the art of - "
"I think I get it," Hiruzen said dryly. "However, I am not permitting an eight-year old in the ANBU. Itachi is (un)lucky enough to have been placed in the ANBU at such a young age, I will not go adding children to such a dangerous division without good reason."
Owl and Ferret exchanged looks, while Stag nodded his head.
"I request permission of retiring when Naruto graduates. Furthermore, I request becoming Naruto's Jounin sensei."
Hiruzen felt like throwing his hands up in the air and muttering Idiots! "I cannot have my ANBU Commander retiring from ANBU just for the sake of training one boy."
"Technically I would be training a team - "
Hiruzen's unamused look was all it took to shut Stag up.
"... Sir."
"Denied, anyway. You're not even thirty, and you have no disability or handicap to prevent you from your duties, and I swear to Kami if you change that I will make certain that Naruto is not your student ever."
… Damn, Stag thought.
Hiruzen sighed. "... Are you able to recreate the seal?"
"No, sir. Jiraiya-sama, perhaps, could."
Hiruzen rubbed his temples. And Jiraiya won't be returning to Konohagakure for some time, not to mention he's too busy to handle a task like that…
"Sir, I believe that Naruto's earlier proposition would be helpful. Not to mention it would save Konoha quite a sum of money if he's willing to make any seals for the ANBU," Stag prompted.
Hiruzen scowled. "... I will think about it. For now, the three of you are dismissed."
"Sir."
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
"Did you have to make yourself so obvious?" Kurama whined. "What if they become suspicious?"
Naruto, who was busy fixing Kurama's seal, only paused long enough to respond, "Then that'll make it even more interesting. Besides, we'll be fine. What could possibly go wrong?"
"Why? Why did you ask that?" Kurama asked, shaking his head.
Naruto smirked. "Besides, you know I hate being all sneaky. That shit is so last year. And I won't be able to take Hashirama's title as God of Shinobi if I'm being sneaky, now will I?"
Kurama snorted. "Why didn't you bring back your wife? At least she would have talked some common sense into you."
"Who says I didn't?" Naruto asked rhetorically. "It's not like I'm going to be all pedophile on this timeline's version of my wife. I'd feel so creepy."
"You are creepy."
"But," Naruto went on, completely ignoring Kurama's comment, "I want to fix quite a few things first before I bring her back."
"Bullshit. You just want to fuck off with your guy-friends because you know you'd behave perfectly if she was around."
"I can't help it," Naruto whined. "How can I not be good with her around? She's so damn sweet. Now shut up. I can't fix your seal if you're bitching and interrupting me."
"Why did I have to come back in time with you?" Kurama wondered out loud.
"Because you're clearly my bitch."
"I'll fucking end you, you worm!"
"Ha! As if you could take on the God of Shinobi! Bring it, cuddles!"
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
"I love being a jinchūriki and not having to work my ass off for kick-ass reserves right away," Naruto declared, as he continued readying himself for his day. He received a message earlier that day that he would be missing school that day to discuss the situation with the Hokage.
Awesome.
For the moment though, Naruto continued planting protection seals, security seals, blood seals, temperature seals (because he didn't know anything about fixing an air conditioner or heater, so…), and light seals (seals that glowed after the user stored an amount of chakra in them, and since Naruto had an outrageous amount of chakra, he wouldn't ever need actual lights. A nice, cheap way to save money). Kurama was napping (and snoring).
After Naruto finished setting up his humble abode, he dismissed his clones and headed out. He jumped up onto the nearest roof and began to make his way to the Hokage's office.
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
"... So am I awesome, or what, Jiji? Why don't you save everyone some time and name me your heir," Naruto chirped, his legs swinging out as he sat in a chair in front of Hiruzen. Hiruzen gave an amused smile.
"You're not ready to become the Hokage, yet, Naruto," Hiruzen said patiently, but he had an air of happiness around him. It always warmed Hiruzen's heart to see the boy so bright. He knew Naruto didn't live in the best of circumstances, but he wasn't allowed to show blatant favoritism towards him, since Naruto was technically a shinobi in training (and thus in the eyes of Konoha, should be treated as such) and favoritism towards shinobi as a Hokage was… frowned upon.
The Council would eat him alive if Hiruzen up and adopted the boy like he originally wanted to. And while yes, Hiruzen was the Hokage, he couldn't afford to have the Council up in arms against him. The village was still recovering from the Kyūbi attack, and they only narrowly avoided a war with Kumo. Hiruzen was old, and he was tired. He didn't have the vigor he used to, and the majority of his strength was spent just protecting Konoha. If enemies got word that their higher ranking officials were against their Hokage…
"However," Hiruzen continued, "I would like to offer you a proposition, Naruto-kun."
Naruto beamed, practically brimming with excitement.
"In exchange for you creating your seals, as well as some others, you will be allowed to train under some selective shinobi."
"ANBU, you mean?" Naruto asked excitedly.
"Well, I wouldn't - "
"Because I won't accept anything less," Naruto said seriously.
"Neither would I."
Hiruzen felt his eyebrow twitch while Naruto looked confused at the third voice. "Stag…"
"Sorry, sir."
"See? Even the animals take my side!" Naruto exclaimed.
Hiruzen resisted the urge to frown and rub his temple. The Council was going to love this, but then again… it wasn't really blatant favoritism, was it?
(Yes. It was.)
He could argue that it was just a fair trade, and that it benefited Konoha in the end for it. A rising prodigy would receive the training needed, and Konoha would save a fortune on seals. It wasn't at all just because Hiruzen still felt partially guilty for not adopting Naruto despite having legitimate reasons not to. Nope. Not at all.
"Alright, Naruto-kun," Hiruzen said. "As it stands, three ANBU have already offered - "
"Thirty-two," Stag coughed.
" - I mean, thirty-two ANBU have already offered to train you. I have a list of seals that I request be completed first. Supplies will be provided. When you have completed this list, you may return to me and I will set up your first training session," Hiruzen said gently.
Another ANBU appeared next to Stag (the two ANBU still remained under a genjutsu so as not to be seen… Naruto could still smell them, though), and whispered something to Stag before flickering away. When Naruto left, the list in hand and directions as to where to receive the supplies, Stag approached Hiruzen.
Hiruzen sighed. "What is it?"
"It's actually sixty-four, Hokage-sama."
"Of course it is."
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
Naruto sprinted through the streets of Konoha. He had already sent multiple clones to pick up the supplies necessary for the seals, and the rest were sent back to his apartment. His clones would work on the seals, while the real Naruto went about to do his business. He knew KittyWitty and 2Hot4You wouldn't show up for a while. For the moment, only Dr. Pwnsome was present. Oh, and BringingSexyBack, but Kurama wouldn't be actively fucking with the timeline, so Naruto didn't really count him.
Naruto stopped running when he finally reached the bar. While he was Hokage, it was one his favorite subordinate's place. He had to admit, he was absolutely terrified of her at first. But, after he got around to unraveling Orochimaru's Curse Mark, and ridding her from it, she became pretty damn grateful. Sure, she was crazy and sadistic, but she was a good friend to have.
Not to mention she was a very close friend of Hinata's, and she was one of the reasons that Hinata scrounged up the nerve to join the ANBU. Granted, she wouldn't have been as close of friend to Hinata's had it not been because Naruto got rid of the seal, but… eh.
Besides, she had already earned a spot as one of Naruto's precious people plenty of times. And the whole point of going back in time was to fix all the things that Naruto originally couldn't fix, as well as improve his precious peoples' lives a lot quicker than what happened before.
So with braz that could only come from being the goddamn best Hokage Konoha has ever seen, Naruto kicked open the door to the bar, strolled right up to the bar, sat down in a too-high-for-his-feet-to-touch-the-ground stool and ordered, "Milk, if you would."
He even slapped down some cash.
The bartender, a big guy name Nien (Naruto didn't actually know his real name, just that's what he went by), raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Right away, kiddo."
Naruto grinned, pleased, and turned to look right at the person he sat down by. Anko, in all her crude glory, smirked at him. "Milk for the baby?"
"I do love me some milk," Naruto agreed, completely unabashed.
Anko snorted and turned away. Naruto scrutinized her. "Hey old lady, what's that on your neck?"
Anko stiffened and almost immediately the atmosphere in the bar shifted. No longer was it jovial or light, but a tense underline current seemed to pierce the air. Anko turned to him, a fake smile forced on her face. "None of your business, brat. I suggest you mind your eyes, or I might just pluck them out."
"It looks like a seal," Naruto chirped. "Hey! I'm a prodigy in fūinjutsu! Maybe I could take a look at it for you?"
Anko planted her palm against his forehead and shoved him off the chair. Naruto allowed her, falling on his butt and pouting. "That's mean!"
"Please, kid. There's nothing you can do," Anko snorted, turning back away and dismissing him.
"Is that a challenge, I hear?"
"Sure. It's a challenge to fuck off before I make you," Anko said, smiling chillingly at him.
Nonplussed, Naruto declared, "Challenge accepted!"
He then turned on his heel and fled the bar.
Not without grabbing his milk and paying, of course.
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
Anko, check. The Rookies will be scheduled for tomorrow. Who else can I get my hands on? Naruto mused. It'll take roughly three days before I finish all the seals, so I can't really train 'til then. I'll take care of Kakashi when I train with the ANBU (he is still in the ANBU at this point, right…? Right. He moves out of the ANBU after the massacre, which won't happen for another two years. Er. Or is it one? Huh…
Naruto frowned at that. Hmm… can't leave the village quite yet…
I should get back to the Namikaze manor and continue checking through the scrolls, but I don't really want to do any work…
Naruto shrugged. I'll send clones. In the meantime, I'll… Oh! Wait! I don't have my super-amazing garden in this timeline. I know what I'll do - er, but do I have enough money for the seeds? I guess I could always steal them, or whatever and then just pay them back when I get money.
Yeah. That sounds good. Besides, it's nice to exercise my stealth.
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
Naruto patted down the seeds in their pots. His window was lined up with plants, and he made a note to add in a skylight soon for the rest of his plants. But his clones could do that tomorrow while he was at the academy.
Glancing up at the blue sky, Naruto figured he still had quite some time (half a day) to kill before he headed to bed. Naruto tapped his chin thoughtfully. Guess all that's left to do for the day is… damn. Absolutely nothing.
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
The following day, Naruto strolled into the academy, completely at ease. One of the perks of having come back so early was that none of his classmates had a good read on Naruto, which meant that Naruto didn't have to worry about conforming to his past personality. He could remain his completely normal narcissistic self. He grinned at that, sauntering up to Hinata and taking a seat next to her.
Her eyes widened considerably and she abruptly faced away from him, fidgeting, and her face was a bright red. Naruto gave her time to adjust. He would be sitting with her consistently. He wanted her to be able to get over her fainting tendencies as soon as possible, and the best way to do that was constant exposure.
Besides… even if this childish version of Hinata wasn't the same Hinata Naruto knew, she was still Hinata. She was still one of his most precious people. Not to mention, she would be one of the few classmates to disregard his status and his stigmatized situation in Konoha if it meant being by his side. Granted, he could say most of his friends would do that at this point, but she was the first. The very first who acknowledged him and this time around, Naruto wanted to be the first person to acknowledge her.
Maybe it was selfish of him. But he also kind of wanted to be best friends with her as soon as possible. Not everyone could say they married their best friend and Naruto was so not going to change that.
So he patiently waited for her to calm down before he smiled brightly at her.
She fainted.
Naruto sighed, but took off his orange jacket. He bundled it up into a makeshift pillow, lifted her head off the desk, slid the jacket underneath her head and gently placed her on it.
And when his actual wife came back in time, it would probably be for the best if the two were already shown to be at least as friends so it wouldn't be so strange.
He then turned around to survey the room. His options of friends was significantly shortened for the time being. He couldn't even try to befriend Sakura, nor Sasuke until KittyWitty arrived.
Sakura because of her civilian background, and while her parents were pretty cool people, they weren't that cool. Especially with the attack having not even been a decade ago.
Sasuke because KittyWitty had that part covered and Naruto promised KittyWitty that he wouldn't try until KittyWitty showed up to better introduce Naruto to the… environment.
Which left the rest of Rookies. Naruto knew Shikamaru, Ino and Chouji's families were pretty indifferent to his status, and the Naras actually liked Naruto because they weren't stupid and figured out his heritage long ago. And naturally because the Naras knew, the Yamanaka and Akimichi weren't far behind, so really, all three of the clans' upperclassmen knew about Naruto's status and heritage so there would be no issue in Naruto befriending their heirs/heiress.
Shino and Kiba's clans were similar, both open minded to Naruto's situation, and both had faith in Minato's sealing capabilities, and as such did not perceive Naruto as a threat or in hostile light.
The only real issue Naruto currently had to deal with clan-acceptance wise was Hinata and Neji's clan. They didn't have the upper-edge of knowing Naruto's heritage (or at least because they didn't have a confirmation on it, they refused to accept it), and while none of them would doubt Minato's capabilities, the circumstances surrounding the sealing were questionable, and thus that made Naruto questionable.
He would earn their respect, though. He wasn't overly concerned with that. Naruto won Hiashi and Neji's sway once, and damn it, he would do it again. Hopefully this time around, though, it wouldn't take nearly as long.
So, humming a tune, Naruto sat back in his chair and relaxed.
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
Hinata had, of course, woken up when the teacher entered the room. She kept fidgeting the majority of the time, but, hey, she'd get over it. When lunch time came around, she bolted and Naruto just watched her leave. When she had left, Naruto hopped over his desk and strolled around to Chouji.
Chouji and Shikamaru hadn't become friends yet at this time, and Naruto remembered that Chouji was rather lonely. Shikamaru didn't mind being alone, so Naruto was pretty sure it'd be okay if he befriended Chouji first.
"Hey," Naruto greeted.
Chouji, who was sitting in the far back corner of the classroom, looked up shyly. "… Hello."
"Wanna eat lunch together?" Naruto offered. "I made mine all by myself."
Chouji offered a small smile. "… Yeah. My kaa-chan made mine."
"Cool, cool."
Bam. Instant friends.
Was Naruto good, or what?
Okay, maybe not instant friends, but close enough. Chouji was a pretty laid back guy to begin with and always welcomed more friends. Coupled with the fact that he was already kinda lonely and had already been picked on by the other kids…
It wasn't hard.
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
After school Naruto waved goodbye to Hinata, then said goodbye to Chouji. Tomorrow, he had every intentions of bringing Shikamaru into the group. And trying to convince Hinata not to faint anymore.
It was hard, actually, for Naruto not to approach his other friends. He knew he had to take it slow and steady – or at least not super fast like he wanted to – to not arouse suspicion. Come on, the Kyūbi jinchūriki befriending all of the clan heirs and heiresses in a day? Like the Council would let that slide.
It was especially hard not to walk up to Sakura and Sasuke, put his arms around them and start annoying the shit outta them. Urk. So painfully hard.
But, but! But, but, but… he resisted.
For today at least.
I didn't realize it was going to be this hard, Naruto whined as he sat in his apartment, drawing up the seals for the Hokage. That's just not fair.
You didn't think the consequences of time-traveling would be hard?
Right. I mean, I'm already friggin' amazing, so I just thought…
Your ego has gotten too big for this world. For once, I can't wait for KittyWitty and 2Hot4You to show up so they can take your ego down a couple notches.
Psh-aw.
Kurama snorted. What are you going to do about the Massacre? Which plan are you going to use?
Wel-elp I was thinkin' we could, you know… use plan G-O.
Oh, really? When will KittyWitty arrive here, anyway?
Uh… he should be here… um… well, before the massacre, obviously.
Correct. Which is when…?
… Uhum…
You don't know.
Uh…
You don't know.
W-Well… um…
Are you fucking kidding me? You spent all that time planning this out and you don't know when it's going to happen.
… I do! I just… can't remember… Sasuke told me… I think… I mean… It was when he needed my therapy-jutsu. All those sob-stories just kind of blur together for me now. To be honest, I get them a little mixed up at times. Wait… Sasuke was the Uchiha Massacre survivor right?
You. Better. Be. Joking. Or. I. Swear. I. Am. Going. To. Fucking. End. You.
… I'll take that as a yes. Oh, hey, I better get back to drawing these seals. They're, uh, pretty tough.
You're dead to me.
So mean... Naruto huffed. He looked down at the assortment of seals he had, then he grinned brightly. Awesome! These'll do just fine. Woot! Now I can get some ANBU training. This is going to be so cool.
I hope those seals spontaneously combust.
Naruto cackled with glee, ignoring his friend's sour mood, as he gathered up the seals. With ease, he hopped out his open window and onto the street below. After some skipping through the streets, Naruto arrived at the Hokage tower.
He entered in through the front door and walked past the secretary. After climbing the stairs and heading down the hallway, Naruto arrived at his destination.
With confidence only someone as spectacular as he could muster, Naruto burst into the office and held up his abundance of seals. "Here you go, Jiji!"
Hiruzen looked up from his paperwork, blinking in surprise. "That was very quick, Naruto."
"Ehehe, yeah, I know. I just really wanna start training under ANBU now."
"I see."
"So? So? Who's going to be my instructor?"
Hiruzen had to resist sighing when Stag, quite pointedly, shifted from his hiding position and moved a bit closer to Naruto. "… Stag."
"Yes!"
Naruto looked around the room for the strange voice that had seemingly appeared out of nowhere. "… Jiji, is your office haunted?"
Hiruzen finally gave in and sighed. "No, Naruto. It is not haunted."
"You sure?"
"Quite. You may meet Stag after your academy lesson tomorrow. He will train you for one move, as per agreement."
Naruto pouted. "Just one? Aww… how about, for every batch of seals I make, I get to learn one new move?"
Hiruzen chuckled. "How about for every batch of seals you make, you get one month of training? Your teacher will rotate, of course, as we can't have a single ANBU drop everything to train you."
It took every ounce of willpower for Stag no to pout at that.
Meanwhile, many other ANBU members were inwardly cheering with joy.
After all, it wasn't every day you got to train a rising prodigy.
Meanwhile, with 2Hot4You…
2Hot4You was a little tired. Understandably so, considering the intensive trip he had just go through. 2Hot4You was actually more than a tired, but he would be damned if he told anyone else that. 2Hot4You knew, knew that should it be voiced out loud, then Dr. Pwnsome and KittyWitty would hear about it and the duo would never let him live it down.
And that was just unacceptable.
So instead, 2Hot4You just pretended to be calm and relax and ignored the killer migraine.
That's going to have to be fixed, 2Hot4You reasoned. 2Hot4You raised a pale hand to place against his forehead and rubbed his temple. 2Hot4You's hand flickered green as they used one of the very few medical techniques they knew. Sakura had been very firm on making sure 2Hot4You (as well as the majority of their friends) knew the basics. For once, 2Hot4You was rather grateful for the lessons.
When the migraine finally subsided, 2Hot4You let out a small breath of relief.
A frown appeared on 2Hot4You's face.
I will need to find Dr. Pwnsome soon, 2Hot4You thought. But I won't be able to escape his sight long enough for a while…
It would be risky. Incredibly so, if 2Hot4You attempted to do just that.
As if just admitting that, 2Hot4You could hear Dr. Pwnsome's words echoing in his head: Hehe. You big baby! What? Too scared to get caught?! Come on, live a little, buddy!
2Hot4You gave a sigh. It would seem that 2Hot4You would have no choice, but to chance reaching Dr. Pwnsome… besides…
2Hot4You's brow furrowed as the migraine returned.
2Hot4You really needed Dr. Pwnsome's assistance with… it. Especially with That Event coming up.
What did Shikamaru always say?
Oh yes.
How troublesome.
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
That night, when Naruto returned home, he set to work on his next order of seals. About a couple hours of working into it, he stopped.
He knew that chakra signature anywhere. Even if it was expertly suppressed on Kage levels, Naruto had spent years honing his Uzumaki sensor abilities. Even if his body wasn't up to standards with his adult one, chakra sensing was more of 'muscle memory' (or in this case, chakra memory). It was like riding a bike. No matter how long it's been, or what form you take, you just didn't forget.
Naruto glanced up at his window, just barely holding back a grin. "Well, well… 2Hot4You… Glad to see you made it over here alright."
"It was… a hassle… It is a good thing you remembered all of the old barrier codes…"
"Well, yeah," Naruto said, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. "I knew ya would have to talk to me one way or another pretty soon, and I figured being able to slip in and out of Konoha without notice would be handy."
His friend nodded his head in agreement, as he slowly entered the room. "I came here for you to adjust my seal, first."
Naruto stared at Gaara for another moment, before his eyes widened. "Oh! That's right. You have Shukaku again now, don't ya? Your old seal was really shitty, if I remember right... Couldn't sleep, yeesh. Alright. Come here, let's get that taken care of."
"It will have to be swift, and then I must leave again. I was thinking you could give me one of your anchor seals, so you can come to me whenever you need help. In the meantime, I must focus on repairing my past mistakes… both with my uncle, and my father."
"Sure thing, buddy," Naruto said easily. Gaara moved to Naruto, before sitting down and Naruto rolled up his sleeves. "Readjusting the seal might sting a bit, but try to keep your chakra low, so not to draw attention."
"I will do my best," Gaara said firmly.
"Good. Here we go!"
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
When he was done, Naruto wiped the sweat off his brow. Gaara let out a small, relieved sigh, and said, "Thank you."
"No problem," Naruto told him. "We're lucky I don't have any ANBU guards tonight, and I already put up some chakra-repression seals on my apartment. Did you just get back?"
"Yes. I have a clone in Suna," Gaara said. "My uncle is still alive."
"Congrats," Naruto said, smiling brightly. "Well, hopefully with that seal, you can get on better terms with this Shukaku, and you won't lose control."
Gaara nodded his head in agreement. "That is the plan. I also intend to spend more time with my family, and prepare Suna for the upcoming war."
Naruto frowned. "You still think there'll be a war?"
"While I know we will do everything in our power to prevent it, I will not take the chance," Gaara answered sagely. "It would be foolish to discount the possibility. I suggest you do the same."
Naruto sighed. "Wouldn't hurt, at least. Hopefully it won't come to that, but… Hey, you wanna stay the night, or…?"
Gaara shook his head. "I need to get back soon. My clones do not last very long."
"Sure, sure. Stay in touch. You work on your end, and I'll keep my end covered."
"Very well."
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
"Hello," Naruto greeted Stag.
"Hello," Stag said, amused. The following day Naruto gave the old man the seals, after school, he had rushed over to the appropriate training grounds. Naruto could sense it wasn't just those two—there were others in the area. Judging from their chakra, Naruto would peg them as other ANBU members.
"So are you going to be my exclusive ANBU teacher?" Naruto asked excitedly.
"Well, I'll be your exclusive teacher for this lesson," Stag told him. "I'm not the only ANBU who wanted to train you. When you finish the next batch, Hokage-sama wanted me to tell you that you could choose who your next instructor would be. If you want to continue with me, I would have absolutely no objections to that."
Naruto nodded his head eagerly, not making any sort of commitment. Stag then asked, "Do you know how to rate your chakra control, and nature?"
He grinned foxily. "Well, you have to have semi-decent control for seals, so I guess that's how I'd rate my control. It still kind of sucks compared to others, I bet, but not horrible. My nature is… uh… what's that?"
Stag, expecting this, just smiled behind his mask. "Your nature is the nature of which your chakra takes. For example, I have a wind and earth nature. My chakra has an easier time of using wind and earth natured jutsus, but that doesn't mean I can't use the others, too."
Naruto's eyes lit up with understanding. "Oh! Then no, I don't know. How do we find out?"
Stag rummaged through his pocket before producing a slip of chakra paper. He handed it to Naruto. "Just channel your chakra into the slip of paper."
Naruto's face screwed up in a comical fashion as he attempted to concentrate on the task. Many ANBU leaned forward in anticipation of this answer, as it would mean some of them would be unable to train Naruto right away (due to his age, he could only use ninjutsu that would compliment his nature—his chakra coils were too underdeveloped to safely undergo the change in nature for any other nature; and no single ANBU knew all five of the chakra natures).
The paper split down the middle.
Groans of annoyance and despair filled the clearing, and Stag had to resist cackling (both at his subordinates displeasure, and at Naruto's confused and worried expression). "Stag, is this clearing haunted?"
"No, Naruto," Stag chuckled. "It is not."
Wind nature was one of the rarest natures in the fire land, which eliminated a fair few of the ANBU. There were a couple ANBU who were smirking in triumph at this revelation, and others who doing their own sort of victory dances in their heads.
Hey. No one sane ever goes into ANBU. If they wanted to do victory dances in their heads, let them.
Naruto gave him a dubious look. Stag then said, "Well, first we'll need to make sure your chakra control is up to par for any ninjutsu training. As much as I would love to jump right into it, I know better. Have you ever heard of the tree exercise?"
"The what?"
"It's a simple chakra control exercise. Sadly, it counts as a ninjutsu move, so it'll be the only thing I can teach you this time around. Your next instructor, regardless of who you choose, will instruct you in water-walking, I'm afraid," Stag admitted regretfully. "But your third lesson will offer your some variety, depending on your instructor. Now, if you were my student, I would obviously teach you some wind ninjutsu. If you were, say... Hawk's student – "
Hawk, one of the few other ANBU capable of teaching Naruto wind ninjutsu, narrowed his eyes. He was crouched at the top of one of the trees, watching the lesson, like many other ANBU.
" – you'd probably be stuck learning something boring," Stag finished, smirking behind his mask when he felt Hawk's death glare on him.
"Then I better stay away from this Hawk guy," Naruto told him, and resisted the urge to giggle when he felt Hawk's killer intent focus on Stag.
"Exactly," Stag agreed. "Now how about we get this lesson started?"
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
Of course Naruto couldn't just master tree-walking in one day. That would be stretching it (not that he wasn't already stretching it; he just figured he'd better not push the buttons too hard). He stuck to the standard three-day mastering (which also gave him time to finish the next batch). He requested Stag again for the sake of settling into a routine, and mastered water-walking in another three and a half days.
The next batch was taking a bit longer to finish, so for a couple weeks, Naruto just relaxed and enjoyed a semi-normal life. He became friends with Shikamaru fairly easily, and the three of them (including Chouji) spent quite a bit of time together.
It still made him feel all weird not befriending everyone else immediately, but he had to have patience. He figured he could wait a couple more weeks, then befriend Kiba. He was still working on Hinata, but that would take time.
When he finally finished the next batch, he asked the Hokage if he could meet the ANBU who wanted to be his teacher—you know, so that way he wasn't choosing blindly. He had to use his Puppy-Dog-Eyes-no-Jutsu and pull a guilt-trip, but Hiruzen relented.
Which brought Naruto here.
In the ANBU headquarters. Naturally, he was blindfolded when he was brought here (not that it made a difference, Naruto knew where everything was in his village), but he didn't mind.
There were quite a few ANBU in the main quarters with Naruto. Each of them greeting and introducing themselves, in which Naruto returned with an enthusiastic greeting of his own.
It was all very nice, until Naruto caught wind of a familiar scent.
"You!" Naruto exclaimed dramatically, pointing towards the single ANBU in the room who was not paying attention to him. Or at least doing a damn good job of pretending not to pay attention to him.
Naruto recognized that silvery hair anywhere. And that dog mask. Please. So obvious. So with beaming enthusiasm, Naruto sprinted across the ANBU lounge and tackled into Kakashi. "You! I want you to be my sensei."
The young Kakashi was stiff, ignoring the glares many of his fellow ANBU members were giving him. "… I'm not one of the ANBU that signed up to train you."
Naruto gasped, his blue eyes widening in disbelief and his bottom lip quivering. "But you have to train me. You're perfect."
"How is Dog-san better than the ANBU Commander?" Stag inquired, feeling mildly offended.
"Because he smells wonderful!"
Silence fell across the room as many people took this into consideration.
Kakashi, meanwhile, was starting to fidget nervously at having his sensei's son clinging to his leg. The man joined ANBU to avoid his past and the boy was a damn mirror image. That was just not fair.
"Come on, train me, please?" Naruto begged, using his trademark Puppy Dog Eyes on him.
"No need to bother Dog-san," Panther purred. "I can show you a neat water-type trick."
"I can show you how to make green fire!"
"I'll teach you how to make an earthquake big enough to knock out a small city!"
"I'll let you sign onto my lion contract!"
"I can teach you the best wind move ever!"
Naruto ignored the many offerings, fully intent on getting Kakashi as his sensei early on. Kakashi, however, was getting increasingly uncomfortable.
Stag picked Naruto up and off Kakashi, shaking his head in amusement. "Let's go, kiddo. You can convince Dog-san later, but right now I'm your sensei."
Kakashi sent Stag a grateful look, not that anyone could see it through his mask, while Naruto pouted petulantly. "Psh. I see how it is. I'll be back, Dog-san. You'll be mine. Just you wait. You will be mine."
Kakashi shuddered, a coil of dread knotting its way into the pit of his stomach, and he tried his best not to have a mental break down.
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
"Hey, idiot."
Naruto blinked in surprise at that familiar voice. He stopped watering his plants on his roof, and turned around slowly. There, in all his chibi glory, was kid Sasuke. He was raising an eyebrow at Naruto.
"Hello," Naruto said, then frowning thoughtfully. "We have a godson."
"Named Obito," Sasuke finished, smirking. "Good. You got back before me. I was worried."
Naruto grinned. "Aw, I wasn't that bad as a kid. Hey, check it out, look at my garden! I just mentioned that I liked gardening to Hinata and she went out and got me all sorts of seeds from her own garden. Isn't she sweet?"
"Yes, yes," Sasuke dismissed. "What have you accomplished so far?"
"I secured a position in training in the ANBU," Naruto said. "I don't think I could stand playing the slow-witted idiot again this time around, and I am dying to get a different title this time around, so, you know…"
Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "Are you an idiot?! You're going to blow our cover!"
"Psh-aw, I got this," Naruto hummed. "I can even get you to train with me, too, if you want. I mean… unless you're too chicken about getting found out."
Sasuke pursed his lips and looked torn. On one hand, it was an excuse to quickly get rid of their covers as idiots, or fresh-Genin. Training under ANBU always guaranteed a fast-track to getting stronger, so it wouldn't seem so farfetched if twelve year olds started pulling out some ridiculously overpowered moves if they were training under ANBU since they were eight or younger. On the other hand, it was just as dangerous as being found out.
They had to make sure they appeared they were learning things quickly, and not simply knowing things. The ANBU, for all their faults, were still ANBU. They were elite; observant; powerful; skillful; and downright terrifying when they wanted to be.
Not that Sasuke was scared of them. He knew he could take them on if he really needed to, but still…
Sasuke sighed. "Alright… yeah. Okay."
Naruto perked up. "Since I entered the academy, I haven't been guarded by ANBU as often, and since I started training under the ANBU, I haven't been guarded at all. I guess that means the old man trusts me enough this time around to take care of myself, but that also means there's no one around to refute our story. We'll say that I've already shown you how to tree-walk, and water-walk, and find our nature and all that jazz. That way ya can start training with me immediately."
"I guess that'll have to do," Sasuke allowed. "Anything else?"
"Uh, I'm friends with Shikamaru and Chōji, and I've started the process of befriending Hinata. I went ahead and shown off a bit of my skills in fūinjutsu—don't give me that look! We both know you're going to pop out the Sharingan the second you can, with all three tomoe—and I've sent out some feelers."
"Feelers?"
"Yeah. I talked with Gaara about a week ago—he had to come, so I could fix his seal—and we both sent out some feelers. Feelers are, more or less, just shadow (or sand for his case) clones of ourselves, henged as other people, and acting as general spies. You know, trying to find the exact whereabouts of those people we talked about."
"Oh. Any luck?'
Naruto sighed. "Nope. They're tough bitches to find, that's for sure."
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
"Come on, ple-ease?" Naruto begged. Sasuke had to resist the urge to hit something. It was wrong to see his Hokage beg anyone. It didn't matter that Naruto thought it was funny, and he really cared for the old man, it still grated on Sasuke's nerves. The only people Naruto was allowed to beg to were his wife, him, and Sakura (and occasionally Kurama).
And even then…
Hiruzen sighed and rubbed his temples. Two. Two rising prodigies. It seemed that after learning tree-walking, Naruto had turned around and taught it to Sasuke. Somehow, during the practice, Sasuke had activated his Sharingan, as well. Not just any Sharingan. Three tomoe Sharingan.
Three tomoe Sharingan.
It was amazing in of itself. Hiruzen knew that in most cases the three tomoe would only activate under distress, but there have been some cases where the user could simply bring it forth on their first try.
In no time at all, the boy had then mastered water-walking, and now Naruto was begging for him to train with him.
Two.
Prodigies.
Hiruzen could practically feel the countless ANBU eyes on him, and hear their bated breath.
What's more, Sasuke hadn't shown his eyes to his family, yet. Or at least Hiruzen didn't think so, because he was quite certain Fugaku would be bragging about it by now if he had.
Hiruzen could understand why the boy hadn't shown his eyes, yet. When Itachi revealed his ability, he was pressured into soaring through the ranks. Hiruzen had a funny feeling it was just a matter of time before the boy entered the ANBU ranks, as well.
Still, it would be annoying to explain to Fugaku that Sasuke warranted ANBU training without mentioning his Sharingan. He hoped the boy would tell his family before he had to.
"I suppose," Hiruzen allowed, "that I can allow Sasuke-kun to join you, Naruto-kun. However, I must insist that if Sasuke wants to do this, he must tell his family himself. If he wants to walk the difficult path of a shinobi, he must take responsibility for his actions."
And save me the headache, Hiruzen thought.
"I can do that," Sasuke agreed reluctantly. He was not looking forward to that conversation. He loved his father, he really did, but the man was insufferable at times. Sasuke knew he meant well, but damn it. He was really hoping he could trick that burden onto Hiruzen.
"You can go with Stag and Naruto tomorrow evening to find your instructor," Hiruzen finished.
"Thank you, Hokage-sama," Stag said sincerely, practically brimming with glee at the thought of worming his way into snagging another prodigy.
"Fuck," Ferret, who was also guarding the Hokage that day with Stag, moaned.
Naruto looked around with a frightful look. "Are you sure your office isn't haunted, Jiji?"
"I wish it were that simple, Naruto. I really, really do."
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
And that's about it for the chronological order of this story. The following excerpts are spaced throughout the planned story, ranging from time in the academy to Uchiha Massacre. I put them in chronological order, though, so hopefully you won't be confused.
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
It was nice for a while.
The second Sasuke revealed his more… genius… side… Fugaku was joyous (not outwardly, of course), and much more affectionate towards the boy than Sasuke remembered him ever being. He supported, a hundred percent, for him to receive the ANBU training (okay, maybe not a hundred percent, because he was wary of Konoha, but wasn't about to turn down a fast-track way for Sasuke to receive power). Through this training, Sasuke was also able to worm Naruto into his family's lives, as well.
He was initially greeted warily (the exception being Itachi, because as far as he was concerned, the boy was Sasuke's best friend and that was good enough for him), but easily accepted.
Shikamaru and Chouji greeted Sasuke easily into their group, and a couple weeks later, Kiba and Shino joined.
Training under the various ANBU instructors was always enjoyable. They had to take their time 'learning' the jutsus (in some cases they actually learned new jutsus which was very nice). Naturally, they didn't learn anything too big, but enough to put them above the rest of their age group.
All in all, for those months, it was fairly enjoyable.
Especially when Itachi finally introduced Naruto to Shisui.
Naruto could remember it with perfect clarity.
"Shisui," Itachi had called. The boy grinned down from his spot on the tree. Naruto was staring at him with wide, wide eyes. He had heard stories about this boy. Rumors of his ingenious pranks; of his wrecking havoc on the Uchiha clan; of his dying Sasuke's hair pink when he was three.
Oh yes, Naruto had heard much about the great Shisui-sama.
It was a sad day indeed when Shisui-sama departed from this world. Very sad.
"What's up, Ita?" Shisui asked, still grinning. His eyes roamed over him and Sasuke, before settling on Naruto. "Who's this little guy?"
Naruto, still wide-eyed, approached Shisui. He then hugged him close and whispered, "You don't know me. I don't know you. But just know this: I am never letting you go."
Shisui, not being one to deny a good hug nor to question another's sanity (Psh. Sanity. How boring), hugged the little boy in return. "Shh, there, there, little boy. I won't let go, either."
Naruto did his best not to fanboy too hard.
It was a glorious, glorious day that Naruto treasured. Since then, the two had been incredibly close. Close enough, Sasuke teased Naruto if had competition for being his best friend.
Naruto wisely did not respond, knowing Sasuke would not like the answer.
Sadly, for everyone else, the friendship of Shisui and Naruto was not something to be joyous over. The two were a menace to society with their combined pranks—no one was safe from their devious constructions.
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
Naruto plopped down beside Hinata, Sasuke taking his seat next to him. Per usual, Hinata fainted about a minute after this action, and Naruto took off his jacket, folded it, and gave it to her as a pillow.
Sasuke rolled his eyes at the action, but Naruto just smiled.
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
"Naruto, it has come to my attention that you are purposely failing all of your tests," Hiruzen said gently, "I believe that you may be able to graduate early, if you choose to, Naruto, and I had thought you wanted to be the Hokage."
Naruto gave Hiruzen an incredulous look. "Of course I want to be the Hokage, Jiji! And I am going to be, just you wait. But, I also want to graduate with my classmates! I like these guys, Jiji, and I know having a good team is essential to a shinobi's career. I feel like I can really have a good team with these guys."
Hiruzen gave a faint smile. "You could be in ANBU if you chose to be, Naruto."
"I know. But, I'm pretty serious about graduating with these guys. My future wife is in there, you know!"
Hiruzen chuckled good-naturedly, feeling suddenly reminded of Kushina. "I see. Well, if you put it that way…"
Naruto nodded his head firmly. "I do. I so do."
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
"Oh, no, no, no," Naruto chuckled, as he slowly lowered Danzo's unconscious body to the ground. "Nope. You are not planting that idea into Itachi's head. Nope. Not happening. Uh-uh."
Sasuke peered at the man's unconscious body, his Mangekyo slowly fading away to black. "That was easier than I thought it would be."
"What did you expect? The guy had no reason to be on guard."
"Yeah, but… no guards?"
"No reason."
Sasuke only shrugged again, still annoyed at the fact that Naruto forbade him from killing the man. He was allowed to kill Danzo later, though, which made him feel a little bit better.
"You give him the order?" Naruto asked.
"Yeah. He'll wake up and tell Shisui to use his eye to convince Fugaku to change for the better. I will also be using my eyes to add some subtle genjutsu to any remaining family member I cross. Between Shisui and me, the tension will be good as gone, and the Uchiha will be pro-Konoha and making friends."
"Excellent," Naruto declared.
Sasuke shrugged. "I don't really like manipulating my family, but it's damn straight better than the alternative."
"Hell yeah it is," Naruto agreed. "Now let's head back. I'm hungry."
"Hmm… yeah, I could eat."
(┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
"... Team 7, Haruno Sakura, Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto…"
Naruto and Sasuke exchanged knowing glances. Sakura looked up, excited, her eyes brightening.
"Ne, ne, Sasuke, you thinking of what I'm thinking?" Naruto whispered, wiggling his eyebrows. Sasuke looked at his friend with clear annoyance, but his lips twitched into a small smile.
Sasuke leaned back in his chair, clasping his hands behind his head as he stretched. "I don't know, idiot, what are you thinking?"
"Cupid!"
"We are not playing cupid."
"Why not?" Naruto whined.
"Because we have more important things to do," Sasuke sniffed.
Naruto brightened. "Exactly! So we won't be training with Kakashi as often anyway, so, so…!"
"Just because our Sakura and Kakashi are happily married doesn't mean these two are going to be," Sasuke warned Naruto.
Naruto pouted. "But, but… but think of little Obi! Do it for our godson."
Sasuke sighed. "Look, if things work out in a way that those two spend a lot of time together, I'm not going to complain, but nothing is going to happen this early, anyway. She's twelve, Naruto. Kakashi isn't that perverse."
Naruto just looked triumphant. "I know, but the more time they spend together…"
"The more likely they are to get friendzoned," Sasuke said simply.
Gasping and looking thunderstruck, Naruto's eyes widened comically. "Don't even joke about that! Obito started a war because he was friendzoned, you know. That's serious business."
"He started it because he was brainwashed by Madara."
"Molested, brainwashed, whichever," Naruto dismissed. "He started it because he was friendzoned and Madara promised a way out of it. Simple as that. Because he was a kid, he didn't understand that there is no escaping the friendzone."
Sasuke stared at Naruto with unhidden disbelief. "Molested?"
"All I know is that Obito spent a lot of time shirtless in front of a depraved old man," Naruto sung. "A lot like you and Oro - "
Sasuke's Sharingan whirled to life in his eyes and in a quiet hiss, he drawled out, "Finish that sentence. I dare you."
Reaching over, he patted his old friend on the shoulder. "It's okay. We can get you help."
Swatting his hand away, Sasuke folded his arms across his chest and brooded. Naruto snickered and looked around the classroom. He saw that Hinata was staring at him and he waved his hand excitedly at her. She blushed, but gave a small wave back.
Then remembering the fact that their conversation was side tracked, Naruto turned back to Sasuke. "I'm serious! Cupid time."
"No," Sasuke said flatly. "Look, when we came back in time, we came back to help others. If Sakura and Kakashi end up together, then great, fantastic, but if not, then oh well. Maybe this time they'll meet and fall in love with different people - or maybe they'd be happier without getting married. Sakura doesn't need a man, any more than Kakashi needs a woman."
Naruto pouted. "I know that, I'm not saying they need the opposite sex, but… I just… they were so happy together, I just… I just want everyone to be happy."
"You're such a romantic," Sasuke said, disgusted.
"Not my fault you and Gaara are friggin' asexual," Naruto sighed. "Fine… I'll try my best to let the whole thing drop, but the second she's old enough, I am pushing those two together."
"The second she's old enough, I'm pushing her and Itachi together," Sasuke countered.
"What."
Sasuke shrugged. "I think they would be a good match for each other."
"You're just saying that because you have a brother complex and she's the only girl you like," Naruto argued.
"Maybe, and she's not the only. I… tolerate… Hinata."
"Yeah, but Hinata loves me, so…"
"I think her and Itachi will be very happy together," Sasuke said.
"But we already know that her and Kakashi would be happy together!" Naruto retorted.
"We only know that in the events that happened in our world - events that won't happen again - that shaped those two people, ultimately caused them to come together. We don't know if it would be the same this time around," Sasuke pointed out.
"Oh, and Itachi would be better for her?"
"I think they would be happy together."
"Now who's the romantic?" Naruto demanded. "Kakashi and Sakura!"
"Itachi and Sakura."
The two stared (well, Naruto glared) at each other for several minutes in stubborn silence, before they had to stop when Sakura approached them.
"Um… Hi, Sasuke-kun, and Naruto," Sakura said. She had gotten up from her seat when Iruka left the classroom - the other students were moving into their groups - and approached them.
┬──┬ ノ( ゜-゜ノ)
The original goals for this story:
Before Graduation:
Naruto must "discover" heritage.
Be seen as a genius seal master.
Willing to make free seals for ANBU-train in exchange.
Have Gaara come to him and fix Shukaku's seal.
Take care of Gato in wave and use funds from Namikaze/Uzumaki to finance their bridge and become an anonymous building partner. Get rich quick for later purposes.
Meet Jiraiya, convince to take on an apprentice.
Purposely botch up academy to stay with age group.
Chuunin Exams:
All three let their clones take the test and go for lunch.
Sasuke splits up from Naruto and Sakura to take Orochimaru's seal for later purposes.
Sakura and Naruto find a scroll, but it's the same as their own.
Sasuke meets back up with them and the three of them head to the gate, finding the right scroll along the way.
Meet up with Gaara's team.
Naruto properly examines Orochimaru's curse mark and takes it off Sasuke before sealing it away.
Shippuden:
Gaara defeats Deidara, and summons Naruto via Hiraishin.
Naruto talk-no-jutsus Deidara and Sasori and they become chill.
Zabuza and Haku are Konoha nin.
Sasuke sneaks out of Konoha to slaughter Orochimaru and Kabuto. Giggles with glee (on the inside) while setting fire to all the bases and breaking out his former associates (Juugo, Karin, Suigetsu, etc).
Naruto challenges Danzo's will of fire. Guess what time it is? Talk no jutsu.
Root uprooted.
Save the two tails and kill Hidan and Kakuzu. Naruto traps Hidan in a sealing scroll to use to test experimental seals on.
Naruto goes off to confront Nagato and Konan before Jiraiya does. Talk no jutsu at its finest.
Meanwhile, Sasuke drags Itachi back to Konoha kicking and screaming. And Kisame so Naruto can talk-no-jutsu him later.
Kisame's hella cool, man.
Nagato and Konan defect from Akatsuki, and since it's just Tobi and Zetsu now, Tobi goes off to get Killer Bee.
Naruto twenty billion steps ahead of him and helps Bee fake his death so Bee, him, and Gaara can have a bachelor's week out for jinchuuriki only. Collects the rest of the jinchuuriki along the way.
War begins.
Sasuke shits on Black Zetsu, while Naruto talk-no-jutsu's Obito and convinces Obito to sacrifice himself to revive everyone who died in the war.
Proposes a peace-oriented organization to go in between countries and protect the innocent, lead by Nagato.
Hinata comes back right after the war ends, as Naruto planned, and surprises her with all the changes he made.
The end.
And that was the game plan, but my muse wasn't having it. I've had this story in the making for a couple years, but I just couldn't bring myself to write anything more about it. So. Here it goes, in this random collection.
If anyone wants to adopt this story, feel free to PM me.