Hit Me Cupid!
"Tada! What do you think?"
Wario turned around to face the stand-up mirror that Captain Falcon had rolled in front of his view. The Italian Smasher had a very unsettling frown upon his ugly mug as he eyed every inch of the ghastly garment draped over his bulky shoulders. Somehow, Falcon had managed to get his hands on an unused bed sheet and tied it around his plump friend haphazardly like some kind of makeshift toga. The clownish shoes on Wario's feet were replaced with strapped sandals that rode up to just below the knee, similar to Pit's. Of course, these straps didn't have to go very far seeing as how short Wario was in comparison. His trademark hat had been removed in favor of a leafy headpiece popularly worn in Greek Mythology, and the style of the leaves seemed to flare up just above his pointy ears. To top it all off, Falcon was able to tape some plastic angel wings onto Wario's back, which was pretty much a leftover prop he salvaged from last year's Christmas play. Unfortunately, since the wings were originally worn by Olimar, they appeared to be rather tiny as they jutted out of Wario's back. To accompany the "Cupid" look, Falcon also gave Wario a small bow and a quiver of heart-shaped arrows that were slung on his back. He was able to make the arrows from scratch, and it actually took him the whole night to do it until he was able to find some chopsticks and construction paper in one of the kitchen drawers. Admittedly, the entire outfit as a whole didn't look very flattering on Wario, and this was mostly noticeable when he would stand up straight and a tuft of hair would poof out of the part of his chest that was bare.
"Falcon, in all the years I've known you," grumbled Wario, "I've never hated you more than I do right now."
"No, no, I meant the costume!" replied Falcon, totally ignoring his friend's comment. "Kirby, any thoughts?"
"Poyo!" exclaimed the tiny Star Warrior joyfully as he lifted up his bow and a heart-headed arrow.
The trio of friends were situated behind the curtains in the auditorium of the mansion. Usually, this area was off limits unless a special event was going on, but Falcon simply couldn't resist due to the fact that this was where all the good props were stored. It was also one of the few places in the mansion where he was able to find a mirror big enough to fit Wario's figure on it. Previously, he had gotten Kirby to suck up the Valentine's Day gift Yoshi had given him, which consisted of a small box of chocolates and a Toblerone. Sucking up these items resulted in Kirby transforming into Cupid Kirby, a form that granted him his very own angelic wings and the power of flight. He also had an infinite arsenal of heart arrows that he could fire from his petit bow. Anyone struck by one of Cupid Kirby's arrows would instantly fall in love with the first person they saw, which played a heavy role in Captain Falcon's revised master plan.
"This sucks," complained Wario as he tried adjusting the bed sheet on his torso. "I can barely move in this thing. And the draft on my butt feels like the Ice Climbers shoved an icicle up my ass."
Falcon actually couldn't help but laugh at Wario's comment. Incidentally, he was more excited by the fact that his plan had the potential to actually work this time. If things went as they were supposed to, Ike would have absolutely zero chance of winning Lucina's heart this Valentine's Day.
"Poyo! Poyo!" said Kirby as he went up Wario and started tugging on the toga.
"Hey, hands off tiny!" replied the Italian man as he shoved Kirby aside with his foot. "I got enough problems without you butting in." He turned to Falcon with a grimace of pure hatred. "I swear Falcon, you better be paying me double after this."
"I will, don't worry!" replied the F-Zero racer as he unfolded a small piece of paper from his back pocket. "I got your demands written down right here." Captain Falcon was forced to squint as he read the small scribbles he had jotted down from earlier. "You want some new polish for your bike, a four month's supply of canned tuna, an umbrella that has Waluigi's face on it, a mustache curler, an armpit hair curler, a mini fridge, 803 Smash Coins (that's 803 Smash Coins exact in order to pay back Master Hand for the plumbing damage from earlier this year), a new toothbrush, a helmet that looks exactly like mine but without the falcon decal, six pounds of raw baby-back ribs, a metal detector, a pair of tickets for K.K. Slider's Krazy Koncerto, boxing gloves, a compass that only points north, and last but not least, a photo of Princess Zelda in a lobster suit." He paused for a moment. "I can actually get you that last one right away since I've got dozens of those buried somewhere in my closet (compliments of the recent New Year's party). Anything else?"
"Smash Coins, boxing gloves, lobster suit…" mumbled Wario as he began counting on his fingers. "Nope, that sounds about right. I expect all of these things on my doorstep by next week or else I'm charging you triple on the Smash Coins."
"I gotcha buddy," replied Falcon as he tossed the note over his shoulder and put an arm around his trusted friend. "Trust me, when this whole thing is over, I'll probably be so happy that I'll give you my entire life's savings!"
"Poyo?" asked Kirby curiously.
"Oh, except the Falcon Flyer. That's going to Kirby."
"Poyo!"
"Excellent," snickered Wario as he began rubbing his hands together mischievously. "Okay, just tell me what I gotta do now."
"The plan," said Falcon as he reached up and pulled down a whiteboard from seemingly out of nowhere, "is pretty straightforward." The whiteboard appeared to have a few characters sloppily drawn on them with marker, each of them represented by a specific color. "Actually, it's a heck of a lot simpler than Version 1 was." He began pointing at a blue figure that supposedly represented Lucina. "I have set this up so that at exactly 3:35 today, Lucina will be out in the courtyard with Jigglypuff. I was able to convince Jiggs to buy us some time while we got into position." His finger moved a bit further up the board where a yellow and a pink circle were drawn. "While Lucina's distracted, Wario is gonna to come down from above and pretend to be Cupid, the spirit of Valentine's Day! He'll convince Lucina to ask me to be her Valentine using his charming personality. IF (for some unaccountable reason) that doesn't work at all, Kirby will be floating nearby with his arrows ready to strike. He'll pin her with one of his arrows, which will make her instantly fall in love with the first things she sees. By that time, I'll already be out there in front of her. She'll lay her eyes on me and want me to sweep her off her delicate feet! Then we'll kiss, I'll give her some chocolate, and then I'd say we can call it a day. Any questions?"
Kirby appeared to be kicking his bow all around the room, not really paying attention to anything at all.
"So wait, what am I supposed to say exactly?" asked Wario.
"You know, the usual stuff! Just tell her how much of a nice guy I am, or if she's dating anyone right now, or if anyone has asked her to be her Valentine yet. Ham it up if you want, but don't say anything about me wanting her. I want her to be the one to come to me. Otherwise I'm gonna sound like an obsessive freak desperately trying to get her attention."
"What the hell do you think you're doing right now!?"
"Trust me; I have everything under control. All you have to do is set up the pins. And then I'll come in with the strike!" Falcon made a motion like he was throwing a bowling ball, but Wario could only face-palm seeing as how he'd already heard this analogy before.
"Poyo!" Kirby fired off an arrow at the wall that bounced right off and fell dead on the floor.
"The only thing I'm worried about is Kirby," said Falcon as he eyed the young Star Warrior. "I don't know how good his aim is with that thing. That's why he's going to be the backup plan."
"Pfft," scoffed Wario. "That's an awful lot of faith to put in someone who can't even brush his teeth without swallowing the toothbrush. Let's just get this over with so I can enjoy the rest of my Valentine's Day in peace."
The two Smashers ended up watching Kirby mess around with the bow and arrows for a few minutes. Occasionally, Kirby would use his wings to fly up into the air and glide around, but he seemed to be doing it more for his own amusement than to assure Falcon. Incidentally, he was able to nail some of the targets that Falcon had placed around the room earlier. Surely that was more than enough to convince Falcon that the puffball knew what he was doing?
"Alright, there she is."
Lucina was standing in the middle of the courtyard watching Jigglypuff running around with a stick and flailing it like a sword. Apparently, the Pokémon wanted to show off its mad sword skills, but Falcon couldn't care less anyway. The important thing was that Lucina was distracted, and she was out in the open just as he had anticipated. With the midafternoon sun high in the sky on an oddly warm Valentine's Day, Falcon made sure to take cover behind some bushes with his companion.
"I can't believe I'm doing this," complained Wario again.
"Will you chill out?" replied Falcon. "You're starting to make me nervous."
"You? You don't even have to do anything! I'm the one that has to go out there looking like this!"
"Lobster suit, remember?"
"Grr… Just give me the damn signal."
Falcon poked his head out of the bushes to scout out the area. In one of the trees on the other side of the courtyard, Kirby could be seen sitting in the upper branches. His arrows weren't out, but he gave a wave to the F-Zero racer.
"Okay, he's ready," said Falcon under his breath. "Now go!"
"Jigg, Jigg, Jiggly!" exclaimed Jigglypuff as she clumsily dashed around with the twig in her stubby hand. Lucina applauded her efforts.
"Your technique is remarkable!" she replied enthusiastically. Of course, she didn't really mean that since Jigglypuff was one of the worst Smashers in the mansion when it came to utilizing weapons. Lucina's father taught her to always be polite regardless, especially when someone was giving a performance. Admittedly, Jigglypuff's swordplay wasn't that bad. She certainly had a lot of room for improvement though. "Try not to swing too far to the left or right. Always maintain control because offsetting the blade like that could leave you open to attacks."
"Jiggly!" Jigglypuff ran off not even listening to the swordswoman's comments. It seemed that it was too immersed in its own fantasies about being a valiant hero to give a hoot what Lucina had to say. She sighed.
"Sounds to me like you could use a little cheering up!" came a voice from somewhere nearby.
Lucina looked around, instantly putting a hand on the hilt of her sword.
"Who goes there?" she said.
Suddenly, a magnificently chubby angel fluttered to the ground before her. She didn't know how to react, but she found herself moving her hand from her side to her nose when she realized the angel was using farts to hover to the ground. It wasn't very pleasant to say the least, but fortunately the disguise was good enough for her not to tell that it was Wario in a toga. As "Cupid" used the last of his gas, he twirled around with his bow and arrow, giving a toothy grin and shaking his buttocks in Lucina's direction. Captain Falcon shook his head in dismay and began wondering why he ever thought putting Wario up to this task was a good idea.
"Fear not Lucina!" said Wario, lifting his bow into the air. "For it is I, Cupid, the spirit of Valentine's Day! I have come here to tell you some good news!"
Lucina stared at the shorter character suspiciously. From what she previously heard from Robin, Valentine's Day was a holiday aimed at couples, or at the very least people who were looking for love on the fateful day. In truth, she wasn't really interested in anyone, so it was peculiar to her why the angel Cupid would show up before her of all people.
"Very well," she replied casually. "What news do you bring Sir Cupid?"
"The news is that you no longer have to be a loner on Valentine's Day!" He did another twirl, tossing out glitter and other random shiny particles. "There is someone in the mansion who has a big crush on you!"
"Don't say it like that!" shouted Falcon's voice from afar.
"Who said that?" asked Lucina.
"Uh, who said what?" replied Wario hastily. "I didn't hear anything."
"I thought I…" She paused, but reluctantly ended up getting pulled back into the conversation. "Sorry. Please, carry on."
"Long story short, Captain Falcon wants to bang you." Wario began picking his nose nonchalantly. "I wanted to see what your opinion was on all this."
Meanwhile in the bushes, Falcon was resisting the urge to leap from the bushes and dropkick Wario to the pavement. He started covering his eyes, his ears, singing stupid songs, anything to make him disbelieve what Wario was telling her. Already the plan was starting to go downhill, and they didn't even reach Phase 2!
"B-Bang me?..." replied Lucina in confusion.
"Yeah, uh huh," said Wario, tapping his foot impatiently.
"Why would he want to do that though?" she muttered to herself. "I mean, he does carry a firearm on his belt… Did I do something to upset him?"
"Not like that!" Wario ended up face-palming at the girl's innocence. "He doesn't want to shoot you! He wants to-"
"Alright enough!" came a voice from nearby.
Lucina and Wario turned around to see Captain Falcon running towards them at Mach speed. He didn't seem very happy, which was kind of weird to Wario considering he thought the plan was going well this whole time.
"Falcon, what are you doing!?" he cried. "You're blowing our—"
But he never got to finish that sentence when his face was met with a fully charged Raptor Boost and the false angel was sent flying high into one of the nearby trees. Wario landed in a cluster of branches while Starmen began spinning around his dazed head. Falcon swiftly took a bow in front of Lucina, although this kind of bow was not the one he expected to be doing this Valentine's Day.
"Forget about what he said," said Falcon hastily. "I never intended to ba—I mean, shoot you."
Lucina had a puzzled look on her face as she stared at the Smasher before her.
"Captain Falcon, what's going on here?" she asked.
"I've made a huge mistake," replied Falcon as he stood up straight. "None of this was supposed to happen." He took a deep breath, his heart bouncing like crazy in his chest. He hesitated, but only to recalculate what he was about to say to her upfront. It was now or never, and he realized that getting someone else to express his feelings for her was just a coward's way out. He had to be his own man. "Lucina, I want you to be my Valentine."
"W-What?" she said, her cheeks rising in heat slightly.
"We spend a lot of time together practicing on the weekends." He closed his eyes; it ended up being a lot easier speaking to her this way. "Even if we are just doing it for ourselves, the… The time we spend together means a lot to me. You're a good fighter, but an even more valuable friend to me." He turned around, looking up at the bright sky with sparkles in his eyes. "I can understand if you don't ever want to talk to me again. I just want you to know that even if it meant nothing to you, it really meant a lot to me. And… I think that's about all I wanted to say." He turned around to face her again, but without the tears or sparkles. He was just Captain Falcon, the remarkable and helpless romantic of Super Smash Bros.
Lucina ended up standing there dumbstruck, unsure of what to do or say. In truth, she knew deep down that she always regarded Falcon as a trusted friend, albeit a clumsy one at that. After some thought, she figured that since this was her first Valentine's Day at the mansion, it would be rude of her to not accept his humble offer. No one had asked her to be their Valentine yet anyway, and after seeing all the trouble Falcon went to just to get her attention, she couldn't help but admire his sense of commitment.
"Captain Falcon," she started, her eyes lifting from the ground to his face.
Falcon almost felt his crazy heart stop at the sound of his name, and he nearly lost all sense of direction when he locked eyes with the girl. This was it. This was the moment of truth! Today was either going to be the happiest day of his life, or the most miserable catastrophe that would possibly end in a large tub of ice cream and a Doctor Who marathon. As the words were leaving her lips, he couldn't help but glance past her to see Cupid Kirby in his tree with an arrow poised to strike. Falcon's eyes immediately went wide, but he barely had any time to react before the heart arrow was sent flying.
Lucina didn't even get to finish what she was about to say. The only thing she could comprehend was Falcon grabbing her by the arms and pushing her aside. The two ended up stumbling before they finally tumbled off the pavement and onto the grassy lawn by the trees and flowers. Kirby's arrow whizzed past Falcon's ears just as he fell, connecting with the concrete of the courtyard and shattering into heart-shaped bits that dissipated into the air.
Lucina opened her eyes to see Captain Falcon's helmeted face in front of her. The two were lying on the warm grass, Falcon's brawny arms pinning her down while she lied frozen in the cage of his body. Despite the initial distance between them, this moment together was somewhat touching, and both of them ended up becoming lost in the other's eyes for much longer than they expected. Eventually, Falcon pulled himself up and helped Lucina to her feet.
"Sorry about that," he said, averting his gaze out of embarrassment.
"It's quite alright," she replied, her face still a bit red as she dusted herself off. She immediately took her mind off of the racer in order to regain her composure. "Who attacked us?"
Just then, Kirby came hovering to the ground still clad in his Cupid form. He landed briskly on top of Falcon's head before giving a cute wave in Lucina's direction. Falcon sighed.
"He was supposed to be my backup plan in case you said no," he confessed. "But I realize now that I can't force you to like me."
He glanced up at the puffball on his head, who responded with a classic, "Poyo!"
"I'll get out of your face forever if that's how you want it to be," muttered Falcon shamefully.
"No," replied Lucina right away. "I mean, I don't want you to do that." She smiled. "I am honored that you would select me to be your Valentine on this joyous holiday." Her gaze lifted from Falcon to Kirby, and then to Wario who was still knocked out in another tree. "Your friendship means a lot to me, and I would be more than happy to return the favor after all you have done today."
Falcon's ears twitched at that last sentence, and he almost couldn't believe what he was hearing. He stuttered for a bit, not sure what to say since he didn't expect this kind of response at all, or at least not after that whole charade.
"Wait…" he said. "Are you saying?..."
"I will be your Valentine, Captain Falcon," Lucina replied warmly. She then proceeded to offer the racer a hand, a common gesture interpreted as a sign of trust, sportsmanship, or a general greeting. Falcon stared at her open palm for a few seconds before bursting into laughter and wrapping his arms around the girl. He then proceeded to spin her around in some kind of bear hug while Kirby held onto the helmet for dear life.
"Thank you! Thank you!" he cheered before putting her down. Lucina stumbled for a bit out of dizziness, but was quick to shake herself out of it. "Woo man, that's a relief. For a second there, I thought you were going to reject me!"
"Why would I do that?" asked Lucina curiously.
"Well…" replied Falcon hesitantly. "I thought that Ike might have gotten to you first and I would have missed my chance."
As if on cue, the blue-haired mercenary in question stepped onto the scene with a cape, a sword, and a box of chocolates wrapped together in his arms. He was dressed in his regular attire, minus the headband which was now replaced by freshly combed hair. He was also sporting a very sharp tie and smelled of expensive cologne.
"Are you two talking about me?" asked Ike as he approached the group. Kirby gave a wave to Ike from his perch as Falcon immediately took a step in front of Lucina to block his path.
"Hey, back off Jack!" he said, putting his arms out like a wall. "She already said she was going to be my Valentine today!"
Ike raised an eyebrow and gave a puzzled look. Lucina smiled sheepishly from behind Falcon while shrugging her shoulders. Ike soon figured out what the heck was going on here, but remained unfazed by Falcon's aggressive maneuvers.
"This appears to be a misunderstanding," he said. "I didn't come here to ask Lucina to be my Valentine."
Falcon as always was persistent, and didn't seem to be buying his rival's cover-up story.
"Oh yeah?" he retorted. "Then who are the chocolates for, huh? Why were you spending all afternoon yesterday knitting that blue cape? Why the hell are you wearing a tie!?" He put a hand to the side of his mouth and glanced at the girl behind him. "Lucina, run! I'll take care of this clown."
"These gifts aren't for Lucina you moron," replied Ike flatly as he brushed past the Smashers and towards a certain pink-haired puffball. Jigglypuff was still running around in the courtyard flailing her stick like she was fighting a horde of invisible Smash Run enemies. Ike approached the Pokémon character and knelt down before her. "Happy Valentine's Day Jigglypuff!"
"Jiggly?" Jigglypuff turned around to see the swordsman holding out the gifts he brought. She looked up at him curiously before staring at the box of chocolates, the miniature sword, and the cape.
"Go on, take them," replied Ike. "Here, allow me."
He draped the cape over Jigglypuff's back before handing her the sword and the open chocolate box. Jigglypuff did a cute twirl before giving Ike a huge hug for the presents. She then proceeded to run around and flail the sword, while at the same time sliding chocolates into her mouth from the heart-shaped box.
Falcon could only stare in disbelief, while Lucina and Kirby both laughed.
"I… You… It doesn't… What!?" he shouted. "You mean to tell me this whole time you've had the hots for Jigglypuff!?"
"Hardly," replied Ike nonchalantly as he approached the group again. "I just thought I would do something nice for her today seeing as how no one ever gives her anything on Valentine's Day."
"How very thoughtful of you," commented Lucina with a smile.
The Smashers ended up staring a Jigglypuff for a while as she continued running back and forth with her new sword. Falcon still couldn't believe what he just witnessed, but at the end of the day, he was happy that he didn't have to contest anybody for Lucina this holiday. Who would have thought that Ike would turn out to be a pretty chill guy?
"So any plans for the day?" asked Ike.
"Poyo!" exclaimed Kirby as he fired off another shot from his Cupid bow. The arrow flew high up into the sky and disappeared into the rays of the sun. After a few seconds, the heart-shaped projectile came zipping down, landing right on top of the Jigglypuff's head. The small Pokémon froze on the spot, dropping the sword and the chocolates in the process.
"Hey take it easy!" said Falcon, glancing up at the Star Warrior on his head. "You could poke someone's eye out with that!"
Suddenly, Jigglypuff's eyes morphed from their large blue state into giant cartoonish hearts. Her eyes immediately locked onto Ike, causing him to shudder slightly.
"Uh oh…" he muttered.
"Jiggly!" Jigglypuff came sprinting after the swordsman at incredible speed, forcing Ike to make a mad dash for survival.
"Wait Jigglypuff! Stop!" he cried, but she ended up being too fast for him. She eventually tackled him to the ground and started snuggling and kissing him.
"Well, at least we know the arrows work!" exclaimed Falcon with a laugh.
"Indeed," replied Lucina. "Although, I can't help but feel like we're forgetting something."
Just then, Greninja sprang out of the bushes dressed up in some kind of black ninja gear. The water Pokémon made a series of hand signs before gesturing for Falcon to approach it in battle. Falcon took Kirby off of his helmet and placed him on top of Lucina's head.
"Alright, let's do this!"
The two Smashers leapt into battle with one another while Lucina and Kirby watched awkwardly from the side. A few moments later, Sonic, Donkey Kong, and the Duck Hunt Dog showed up and began playing some kind of bluegrass version of the Mute City theme on their instruments. Meanwhile, Ike was still getting smothered to death by a love-struck Jigglypuff.
While all of this was transpiring, Wario finally woke up from his dazed stupor in the tree. He glanced down at the crazy series of events in the courtyard before giving a heavy sigh.
"Happy Valentine's Day everyone."
Author's Note: I'm a week late, so sorry about that! I meant to actually post this on Valentine's Day, but who would have thought I would actually have plans for that weekend? You know how it is; I had to spend the whole day with my girlfriend. And by girlfriend I mean Xenoblade Chronicles… Ahem, anyway, has anyone noticed that Captain Falcon actually carries a gun on his belt in the games? It's a shame he never uses it, but then again if he did, we never would have been graced by the magnificence of the Falcon Punch. Besides, Nintendo hates guns, as was proven when they didn't even give Snake one in Brawl (he did get a grenade launcher though, and that's kind of cool).
Thanks for reading and I hope you all had a fantastic Valentine's Day! Ciao!