Grand Theft Tardis and Therapy Bills

"Say, how did we get to Glashgow anyway?" Carol slurred.

"Don't'chu remember tha' spinny bawks?"

"Bawks?"

Carol stared at Lilac in confusion.

"Yeah," Lilac leaned over. She squinted menacingly at Carol's face. "The bawks."

She made a cube shape with her hands.

"Ohhhhh…" Carol said. Her eyes lit up in revelatory comprehension. "The box… that blue thing! Oh… Stone…"

She cradled her head in her hands. Lilac gave her a pat on the head.

"We borrowed it off that doctor fellow, rememb'r?" she rambled.

"Borrowed?" Carol drawled. "Milla hit 'im over the head with a rock!"

"He wanted t' take Mishter Stumpeh!" Milla cried from below.

Her friends looked down disinterestedly at her.

"So anyway… after Milla's heartless murder…" Carol began.

"IT WUSH SHELF DEFENCE!"

"…we went inside." Lilac finished, rolling her eyes.

"Oh yeah, to find help." Carol slurred.

"I wanted to help." Lilac said irritably. "You wanted to rob his corpse!"

"Hey, I resent that accu… accu… remark." Carol slurred. She twisted around in her chair and pointed at Lilac rudely. Then she got distracted and examined a beer stain on her shirt instead.

"You stole his screw thingy and jacket." Lilac pointed out. She steadied Carol with a hand before she toppled over.

"Yeah, well… darn. Alright, you caught me," Carol admitted. "So what happened next?"

She slumped down against the bar.

"Well there was thish big room inside." Lilac explained. "And it had all these wonderful blue colours!"

"Ah thought it was just a tiny little bawks?" Carol slurred.

"It wuz bigger on the inside. You were there, weren't you?" Lilac snapped. "Anyway, none of us knew what we were doin'. So we started slapping these buttons that were everywhere. Then ah heard this whooshing sound…"

She made a flying motion with her arm.

"…and then that alien got up, and he wasn't dead! So he started banging on the door, and then we all started screaming 'AAAHHH! THERE'SH A ZOMBEH ON THE SHIP!' Then the noise shtopped, and we found ourshelves in this terrifying alien city!"

The girls shuddered at the memory. The pause gave Milla time to finally pull herself up.

"Y'know you never take us anywhere nice," she fumed as she slumped against the bar. "I wanna go somewhere nice. Mishter Stumpeh is nice. He took me to the foresht!"

"You lived in the forest," Lilac pointed out. "And I take you to lots of nice places. Remember when we went into space?" She asked excitedly.

"I got turned into a giant scorpion." Milla growled. She glared at Lilac.

"Yeah, but you still got to see space!" Lilac pointed out cheerily. "That's every little girl's dream isn't it? And remember when we explored that old house?"

"It was haunted by spirits from beyond the veil of time and space," Carol said darkly. "They took us to the place where no light shines. You had to choose which one of us formed the sacrament. You chose Milla.

"Don't go in the bathroom. Don't go out at night. Don't go in the bathroom, you'll get a horrid fright. Don't go in the bathroom…" Milla continued to chant quietly.

"Eh, the shrink was kind of naff." Lilac said with a dismissive wave of her hand. "I don't know why we keep using that guy."

She flinched as a bulb flickered overhead.

"You weren't even scared of electricity before you went to visit him!" Carol cried.

"Look, the Magister said I should talk to a shrink even though I felt fine. I didn't want to go, but he said I'd make an interesting case study! You know, for science! Then the shrink said that if I didn't have anything wrong with me, there was nothing he could do. If there wasn't anything he could do, he wouldn't get paid. He said his children would starve Carol. So I had to get sick fast!"

"So what, you gave yourself a mental illness?" Carol asked. She raised an eyebrow.

"It was the only thing to do!" Lilac said proudly. "I let him hypnotise me into fearing electricity... and space Satan." she trailed off quietly.

"Brevon?" Carol asked.

"Don't speak his name!" Lilac cried. "Don't you understand I need years of therapy to recover from that?"

Eight years ago.

"Hey everyone, I'm back!" Lilac said cheerily as she soared over the armies of Shang Tu and Shang Mu. "And I found this awesome dragon!"

"YAAAAAAAAYYY!"

"Now let's attack an alien army that outnumbers us a thousand to one!"

"This'll be fun!" Milla cried cheerily.

Carol slapped her hand to her face.

"Ok, I'll add our abusive therapist to the list of people I need to beat up… that's three pages long by the way." she snarled. "Anyway, what happened in Glasgow?"

Author's Note.

Yep, more dramblings this week. Special thanks to Blayze over at Galaxy Trail forums for the idea and for looking this chapter over.