Chapter 2: Painful Lessons

My training continued, with Aria and Lotte teaching me magic and battle strategy, while Admiral Graham gave me instruction in being an officer, particularly Bureau protocol, leadership and the difficult decisions that came with the job.

"Chrono, do you remember what the point of the story behind my making Aria and Lotte my familiars was?" Admiral Graham said during one of our lessons.

"Yes, sir," I said. "The point was that in situations in which you must seemingly choose who lives and who dies, it may be possible to save everyone."

"That's correct," Admiral Graham said. "But the inverse is true as well; it may be possible that your efforts will not succeed in saving anyone in a similar situation, if it is even possible to do so at all. Let' say two ships- the Asura and the Behemoth- are under attack, in faraway locations, and your ship can only save one. If you choose to save the Asura, you likely do so knowing that the Behemoth is doomed, but what happens if the Asura's crew is already dead by the time you arrive? And could you say it would have gone differently if you had went after the Behemoth?"

"So is there no correct answer here?" I said.

"There may not be," Admiral Graham said, "especially in situations in which the choice you didn't make seems to be the correct one; who's to say that something you didn't know or couldn't foresee wouldn't have affected the outcome for the worse had you made another choice? Even if one choice is preferable, you shouldn't expect it to always be pleasant; you may end up minimizing the death toll rather than saving lives. All you can do in those situations is decide what seems to be right based on what you know at the time."

It was somewhat surprising hearing that someone I had respected so much often felt powerless, although my mother told me later that anyone who never felt that way had either never faced any challenging situations, or was simply arrogant. And while in hindsight, I knew it was naive to think you could save everyone, the idea that you could not only fail to do so, but that there were times when you could not possibly succeed was sobering.

Eventually, near the end of my training with him, when I had been officially accepted into the Bureau academy, I learned what he was referring to.

"Chrono, you've come a long way during your time here, and I think it's time I told you something important." A moment of silence followed, and Aria and Lotte's faces suddenly turned concerned, while Graham turned to them with a grimly resolute expression. I could tell a telepathic exchange was taking place, although I could not hear what they were discussing. "It's about your father, Admiral Clyde, and the last mission he was carrying out. How much have you heard?"

"Only the basics, sir," I said. "According to the official report, he stayed behind on his ship and sacrificed his life so that everyone else could escape."

"That's the essential story," Admiral Graham said. "His ship, the Hestia, was carrying a powerful Lost Logia known as the Book of Darkness, and the ship I was captaining was part of the escort group. Like some Lost Logias, however, the Book had a will of its own, and took control of the ship. Admiral Clyde evacuated the Hestia, but was unable to stop the Book from taking control of the ship's systems, including the Arc-En-Ciel. If the Hestia had fired its Arc-En-Ciel, it would have annihilated the Bureau personnel in area kilometers in diameter, myself and the twins included. But he remained aboard the ship, doing what he could to prevent it from happening, and ordered me to fire my ship's Arc-en-ciel, destroying his ship and ending his life."

I was almost overwhelmed hearing about the details of my father's death. I had to wonder- what went through his mind during his final moments, especially after the point at which he realized there was no way for him to survive that he could accept? When did he accept this solution, and did he die believing he would succeed? Most importantly of all, was his sacrifice worthwhile?

"So did my father… destroy the book of Darkness once and for all?"

Admiral Graham sighed. Despite being a very calm person, I think at this moment, he was the closest to tears that I had ever seen him.

"No," he said solemnly, letting his response sink in.

We remained silent for several seconds as I pondered Admiral Graham's response and realized that the Book was still out there, and that quite possibly, another boy would lose his father.

"The book of Darkness is one of the most dangerous Lost Logia in existence," he said. "It starts out with 666 empty pages, fills with mana gathered from its victims, and when it is full, destroys the planet it is on and re-appears elsewhere. So far, no solution exists to this, although we try to find one whenever the Book appears."

So the book had survived, in spite of the fact that my father had not, and its threat would continue again elsewhere. Admiral Graham anticipated my next question, and continued onward.

"In spite of the Book's continued existence, believe your father did the right thing," Admiral Graham said. "But know this, Chrono. The time may come where you may have to lay down your life for a mission, for those of your allies, or for something you believe in. And yet, in some of those cases, your single life might not be enough of a price to pay in order accomplish whatever it is that you value more than your life. Admiral Clyde, with at the cost of his life, managed to save at least hundreds, but he was ultimately unable to end the threat of the Book of darkness"

"So what are you saying, Admiral?" I said. "What is the best way to contain the Book of Darkness, then?"

"I'm not sure," Admiral Graham said. "But if all our present methods prove useless, we may have to think of a new one. The longer it takes, the more times the cycle will repeat, and for every time this happens, people like your father will give their lives to protect many others without a hope of ending the cycle."

As our discussion concluded, I had some idea of the enemy that I thought I would face in the future, and the fact that Graham seemed at a loss for how to deal with this threat gave some idea of the difficulty and importance of doing so. If considerable manpower, magical skill, carefully laid plans and the courage to sacrifice oneself to save others was not enough to eliminate the Book of Darkness, what was? But I could not give up, as I was not the only person who had lost someone to the Book of Darkness; Admiral Clyde Harlaown was my father, but he was important in other ways to many other people. In addition to a father, he was, to various people, a subordinate, a colleague, a superior, a friend and a husband.

That night, I placed a call to my mother, who answered the phone in her quarters, wearing her uniform.

"Hello, Chrono," Mom said.

"Hi, Mom," I said.

We talked for a few minutes about my lessons and life at the Graham house, and then, I decided to bring up the most pressing subject on my mind, having eased my mother into it.

"Mom…" I began, "Admiral Graham told me about what happened when Dad died. He said he gave his life to save many others from the Book of Darkness."

"I see…" Mom said, unsurprised. I suspected she knew Admiral Graham would eventually tell me about my father's death. "I found out the story much earlier, at the time of your father's funeral. I hope you're not angry with Admiral Graham at all."

"No," I said. "It was a difficult situation for Admiral Graham, and he's less than fully pleased with how it turned out."

"I'm relieved to hear that," Mom said. "The decision to sacrifice himself was your father's, after all. Admiral Graham told me once before that he realized, in the wake of the incident, that people's lives are interconnected, and the loss of one person causes pain to many more. By enabling all those under his command to make it home, your father spared their families and friends such heartache, at least for the moment. I just… I just wish he'd also been one of those people his actions had saved." she said, blinking back tears.

"So do I, Mom," I said.

That night, after Mom and I concluded our conversation, I made a vow to myself, that when the Book of Darkness returned, I would do everything in my power to end its threat once and for all. I could not bring my father back and avenging him would bring only hollow fulfillment, so I would instead fight to change the future, and protect others from experiencing what I had.

"So that concludes our final lesson," Aria said. I had impressed my teachers, forcing them to actually try in order to defeat me at sparring.

"You've gotten a lot better, Chro-suke!" Lotte said.

"I thank both of you for your teachings," I said. "But while I've improved, I'm still a far cry from your level of skill."

"That's to be expected," Lotte said. "We'd have to be poor excuses for mages for you to reach our level in such a short period of time, but we'd also be poor teachers if you didn't improve at least a little."

"You will have many teachers," Aria said. "There will be instructors at the academy and mentors while on duty, but the most important ones are your experience and what you do on your own. I strongly advise you to keep practicing independently of us or anyone else, learning what you can and developing your own techniques."

"That's what this is all about," Lotte said. "To Father, teaching you the skills you need to be a mage is important, but so is teaching you good habits, so that you can handle situations beyond the scope of your training and improve yourself."

My training under Admiral Graham and the twins came to an end shortly thereafter, but at that point, I considered it merely the beginning, and still consider myself in the process of improving myself. For the sake of upholding the law, of protecting others and ensuring that the future is better than the past, I cannot afford to be anything less than the best I can be. The Lieze twins instilled in me the methods for improving myself, and Admiral Graham taught me why I should pursue this path.

Those teachings would prove essential when the Book of Darkness resurfaced in my life, when I was no longer an infant waiting in vain for his father to come home, but an Enforcer with the means and ability to protect the innocent from harm and stop past tragedies from reoccurring. I knew there were limits to my abilities, but decided to try as hard as I could, and if none of the options present would work, I would find new ones to deal with the Book of Darkness and other threats.

But how far would I be willing to go? And what cost would I be willing to accept?

Author's Note

To SapphoSensei: Thank you for your review.

It's subtly indicated in the conversation between Graham and Lindy in Episode 7 of A's that Graham blames himself for the incident that resulted in Clyde's death. It's not hard to see that idea, as well as the belief that conventional tactics are doomed to fail, contributing to his coming up with his plan.

This chapter and the rest of the fic highlight one of my beliefs regarding sacrifice. While life is often difficult and people should not stubbornly cling to idealistic decisions even when impractical, often, those advocating the "difficult" decisions can be as naïve as those who make more idealistic choices, particularly if they're convinced that sacrifice is the only option, or that their sacrifice will automatically lead to a happy outcome. Admiral Graham here has both of those faults, as he believes that there is no other way to contain the Book of Darkness and doesn't foresee the flaws in his plan.