Disclaimer is in prologue. Letters in Italics represent people's inner thoughts.
I would like to thank Aphrodite420 who edited this chapter.
Various Shades of Gray
1. Variations of Colors and Time
Amanda Grayson never liked the color gray. It was achromatic and dull. Lacking in cheer and so gloomy, gray always reminded her of stormy clouds on a moody day. No, Amanda Grayson was never a fan of gray. Orange. Orange was her favorite color. And that was why she loved Vulcan sunrises and sunsets – the sky would explode in a bouquet of red, orange, purple, pink, green, blue and all the shades in between, to form a breathtaking view. One she could sit and watch for hours. But not today...
Today Amanda not only couldn't admire that view – she couldn't stand it. She sat on a bench inside the arboretum her Vulcan husband had made especially for her. An oasis on the surface of a desert planet, the arboretum was a reminder of her home planet, Earth. Earth with its blue skies and oceans, so different from her present home… and so far away.
Amanda sighed heavily but refused to let the tears flow free… How ironic that her name meant "worthy of love". Oh, she was loved. Although she never heard the words, and probably never would, she could feel it. She felt it and that knowledge pained her more than anything else.
She felt empty… alone. More alone than ever. The marital bond she shared with her husband was completely shut down. And that happened from her side. She was the one to shut down the link that united them for the last nine years. She didn't want to see Sarek. She didn't want to talk to him. She couldn't stand his presence. The last time they were in the same room was eight days ago, when Spock left for his kahs'wan.
Spock, her baby… her only child. At that thought Amanda's sighs became once more heavy dry sobs. And yet she refused to cry. Instead she looked down at the gray stones that formed a path around the plants, and took a deep breath. She tried to calm herself and took some more deep breaths. She couldn't stand any more disapproving looks from her Vulcan staff. Oh, they never commented on her emotional lapses, but she knew… She felt. And right now she was frightened as never before in her life.
No matter how much she tried, Amanda couldn't stop thinking what would happen if…
If Spock encounters a wild animal, like a lematya with poisonous claws… or a wild sehlat, or one of those carnivorous plants that lay on the ground looking harmless until one reaches them. The plant would grab and trap him within its expanding branches, strangling him… What if Spock gets hit by an electric discharge during an electrical sandstorm…? If he lost his way in a sand fire storm… If… If… If…
Amanda shivered. The possibilities were endless.
Only one month ago her seven-year-old son played with I-Chaya, his aged pet sehlat. Now I-Chaya was gone and Spock was out there in that… hell hole. All alone. All alone in the wild, cruel Forge that didn't forgive, not even the smallest lapse or slip of any kind.
The Forge… Amanda thought and shivered again. Vulcan's harsh desert was formed by the nuclear war that devastated the entire planet during the Time of Awakening, almost two thousand years before. It was a vast desert canyon, which made it a natural environment for lethal predators and wild animals numerous times the size of her small son… When she first arrived on Vulcan as a young bride, she had asked Sarek to take her there on an expedition. How little she knew back then…
It was Sarek who insisted that Spock, who had chosen to follow the Vulcan way, needed not only to undertake the ancient kahs'wan ritual but also to succeed with his first effort. It was dangerous, yes. But Sarek had confidence in his son's abilities and Amanda was forced to agree… If Spock was to be raised like a true Vulcan, then his upbringing would be identical to his father's and every other Vulcan's. Being a true Vulcan could be nothing less.
Amanda's gaze was fixed on the gray stones, ignoring the Earth beauty around her. She once had seen a woman who lost her son in the Forge during his kahs'wan. An animal attacked him and although the child managed to escape by climbing on a rock, he slipped and fell from high, crushing his neck and back. A most… illogical death. A meaningless death… Why?
Instinctively she put her arms around herself and shivered. She would never forget the woman's eyes, not until the end of her days. Her eyes were not… emotionless, like the other Vulcans, but looked like they were made of glass, fake and empty. Glassy, empty Vulcan eyes looked upon her, a Human woman with a Vulcan baby in her arms. Amanda had hugged Spock tightly and Sarek, who felt her distress and discomfort, sent her a wave of reassurance and support before coming physically to her side.
Later, when they were alone, Sarek explained. And those words felt like a knife slicing through her heart. That ancient ritual was necessary for Spock to be accepted in the Vulcan society as an equal. Nothing more, nothing less. And having that in mind Sarek spent as much time as was possible in preparing their son for the ordeal that would determine his entire life.
Although Amanda knew what needed to happen she felt a deep shock, as if her heart missed a beat. Pain and absence remained inside her mind, in the place where Spock's soothing presence used to be.
Nothing had or could prepare her for this… emptiness. Because nine days ago, one day before Spock left, a healer came into their house. And the parental bond between parents and son was… cut.
It was a requirement, something necessary for all children participating. There would be no cries for help, no mental assistance, no communication whatsoever. Spock would be all alone.
No, she reminded herself. Now Spock is all alone out there. And if he didn't return in ten days time, the day after tomorrow, they would go out there, looking for him.
Amanda swallowed hard. She didn't want to be like that woman with the empty, soulless eyes. This was something she would prevent from happening with all her power. Standing, she tried to compose herself.
A few seconds passed and, having reached a level of calmness, Amanda's gaze was still fixed on the gray stone path.
Grayson. Gray son. Spock could never be a gray son. No. Amanda Grayson's son could never be gray. He had to follow one of the two ways. Either black or white. Human or Vulcan. And due to his biology, his emotions, his very nature, Spock's path had been chosen for him. A middle path, a gray path was simply… not an option.
Spock had to follow the Vulcan way in order to survive and prosper. But that didn't mean Amanda liked it. For every passing day she saw herself in her son's eyes less and less.
That was when Amanda first felt it. A small tingle in her fingers. A little dizziness. She looked at her palm and her fingernails. What a strange feeling… The tingle was then replaced by a numbness that Amanda had never experienced before. Alarmed, she tried to leave the arboretum but everything became a blur. Trembling, she sat on the bench behind her.
Amanda panicked as the numbness, starting from her fingers and toes, started to expand all over her body. She tried to breathe but the more breaths she took, the less air she felt reach her lungs.
She tried to scream for help but her lips and tongue, along with her head, were also numb… She simply couldn't… move!
Alone and totally helpless with her last coherent thought, she opened the link wide open and sent Sarek a mental cry for help.
Then she fell on the floor trying to breath, struggling for air but it felt as if there was not enough air on the entire planet. Suddenly she realized that the numb feeling was circling her heart.
Oh my God! She thought. I am having a heart attack! I am dying!
Her last vague image was of Sarek bending over her and lifting her in his arms.
Chapter soundtrack:
Madonna - Time Stood Still
Nick Cave - Into my arms
A/N: What happens to Amanda in this chapter is based on a personal experience. Your thoughts, comments and ideas are most welcomed.
Why orange? "Orange is a mellowed red. It takes primal, lusty urges and mellows them with a softer vibe. Orange is the color of early attractions, emotional responses, and inner magnetism. Someone who likes orange is alive with feelings, the ability to nurture, and can intuit a path to success. If your favorite color is orange, you don't have an "off" switch when it comes to passion." From an article I liked – I believe it matches perfectly with Amanda's personality.