AN: Please do not take anything seriously. This is after all, a parody.
After cutting myself, I started to feel much better and stopped crying. When suddenly my compartment door slid open and a boy that looked very hot entered. It was Draco Malfoy! He was so sexy wearing his school uniform, then he opened his mouth, then he stopped being sexy. I punched him in the jaw and he left. He said some very mean things as he left, and I broke sown crying. After that I started cutting myself even more until I went unconscious from the blood loss.
When I woke up, I was face to face with the most beautiful giant ever. His name was Hagrid, and I was in love. I immediately edmited my love to him but he said he didn't feel the same way towards young children. I had no other choice! I had to rape him. But he managed to defend himself by throwing me into the lake.
I was rescued by a giant squid. I fell in love. But the squid din't feel the same and tried to drown me some more.
Then a mermaid saved me! I fell in love for the fifth time. The mermaid became jealous of my good looks and tried to stab me with its trident. I defended myself by killing the mermaid whil crying and then swam to the surface.
Luckily, none the boats left, so climbed into one and fell in love with the cutest boy ever. His name was Neville Longbottom and he looked soooooo cute holding his stupid frog. I admitted my love and he blushed adorably. I asked him on a date, but he fell unconscious from being so embarrassed. I tried to take his pants off, but the boat already arrived at the school so I just left him alone.
During the sorting, I kept winking at Neville and making "call me" signs, but he didn't understand any of them.
During the sorting, people went up and I rated them on a scale of one to ten. When Draco went up, I screamed at him and called him a bitch, causing everyone to laugh, especially the Slytherin table, the Gryffindors just felt sorry for him. But then he was sorted into Slytherin, so they started screaming at him and calling hinm a bitch too. After Draco, I went up, and for some reason a few people started laughing at my name. I thought Shanaylatifaqua Nyquil was a nice name.
I said out loud that I rated myself a ten and pointed at the Harry Potter look-alike and said that I gave him a one, because he wouldn't let me rape him, the bitch. After that, the hat put me in Gryffindor because apparently being able to kill the one you love with its own weapon takes balls, but I didn't have balls, I have globes. I mentally started bitching at the hat because I dint want to be in Gryffindor since its colors clashed with my hair, I'd rather be in Slytherin. But the bitch hat put me in Gryffindor and I told it to go to hat hell.