*Outtakes; The-Out-Of-Their-Minds type.*
Kain is just being stupid because he loves killing Sarafans so much. The result? This dumb song. God! I just don't know why he keeps writing this!
VAE VICTUS by Thraxenel KAIN
Let sword be at hand,
And let the red blood flow,
Let them scream and cry,
Under my warth and fury!
Chorus:
VAE VICTUS!
VAE VICTUS!
DIE! DIE! DIE!
Sarafan butt I'm willing to kick,
Undead foes prepare to be sick,
Because Kain is back with his big bad Reaver,
All shake, tremble & quiver!
Slash their heads and feed their bones to the hounds, Throw them into the air and whack them to the ground,
Come to me and you will be,
Running away screaming, "MOMMY!"
(Chorus)
All my enemies beware,
I can be plenty of a scare,
I'll make munchkins out of your spines,
And spaghetti out of your very intestines!
Sing hey!
(Chorus and repeat)
VAE VICTUS!
VAE VICTUS!
DIE! DIE! DIE!
La .. la .. la .
Thraxenel: (Clamps ears shut) Oh god, where is the Elder God when we need him!?
*********WARNING! WARNING!*******
Those who think this fic is stupider than the Donkey King himself GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN! What you are about to see is-well, depends on your reaction- the most abdominal reading material that'll even send the Elder God's eyeball bursting out of his sockets with humiliation. Take my word for it, Kain is NOT improving! Don't even look at the next paragraph!
Oh no! No! No! Stop! Put those eyeballs back up!
NOOO! Please stop before it's too lat-
**YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED**
*Outtakes: 'Give-me-a-good-reason-why-I-still-typing-on-the-keyboard' type.
Kain is staring at Thraxenel's computer logged on Fanfiction.net. He is typing endlessly until an enraged Thraxenel stromed inside.
Thraxenel: Enough of this charade, Kain! You've done too much to my account and reputation in Fanfiction! Log off at once!
Kain: (Ignores him) Which story do you suggest I upload? 'Turel's Magic Ears' or 'Janos and the Gay Massacre'?
Thraxenel: LOG OFF NOW!
Kain: You're right. Turel's story sounds much funnier.
Thraxenel: Kain, please! I can't bear anymore bad reviews about this fic! I mean, you haven't even read Blood Omen or Soul Reaver yet!
Kain: Thraxie, it's not about reading those fancy scripts. It's about making people laugh.
Thraxenel: Yes, but-
Kain: Okay, now that you get my point, I might wanna cook up more about Vorador and his ragdoll.
Thraxenel: The ragdoll joke? You think that's 'funny'?
Raziel: It's from personal experience. C'mon, Kain, write some more about them both.
Thraxenel: What? Of all the sudden you changed sides?
Raziel: He's improving.
Thraxenel: You both have poor sense of humor! I say that's enough. Log off now or I'll plug this computer-
Kain: You know, we should put Thraxenel in this fic.
Raziel: Yeah, and his name is 'he-who-steals-every-scene-with-relentless- yakking.'
Thraxenel: That's it!
Thraxenel dives for the plug, but Kain screamed a loud 'No!' and leaps on him.
Thraxenel: OUFFF!
Kain: AH-HAH!
Thraxenel: Get off me, you big bafoon!
Kain: Oh, and you think the word 'bafoon' is funny? I'll show you funny!
They start wrestling with Raziel screaming, "Use the keyboard! Use the keyboard!"
Suddenly Darla steps into the scene, but no one notices her. She crosses over to the computer.
Darla: (Looking at screen) Fanfiction.net. Oooo! It's that website where we can write all sorts of things about out favourite characters! Let's see ..
And so she wrote:
'LiitTle ReD RidDIIng Hooode' a Stori bye Darla.
Da Kast:
Liitle Red Riding Hooode: ME!
The big, bad wulf: Uncle Kain.
Granma: Grumpy old Moebious (da one with artiris arthiris artihiris arthritis)
The handsum woodchopper: Raziel
Ones upon a time dere wasa sweet, prettie liittle gurl named DARLA (Dat's ME!) who alwaz wore da kolor red. One day, she went off to da woodes to give her granny a basket of goodies. And den the biiiiig, baaaaad, fluffy wulf kame.
(And then suddenly for some enigmatic reason, Kain is transported to a deserted woodland wearing a thick, furry wolf suit)
Kain: What the-???!
Darla: (Sugar-sweetly) Hello, Mr. Big Bad Wolf.
Kain: Darla! Where am I and why am I wearing this-
Darla: Uncle Kain! Don't spoil the stowie. You're supposed to say, "Where are you going, little girl?"
Kain: Darla, I can't do that.
Darla: AND WHY NOT!?
Kain: Well, because I'm a seriously crafted character specifically for serious and rather violent games. If I go around dressed as a goat-
Darla: It's a wulfie!
Kain: A wolf? Oh-err-fine, then. Anyway, Eidos and Crystal Dynamics is going to cut off my contract if they see me like this!
Darla: Sue them back, stupid. What's that big Reaver for?
Kain: You don't understand, Darla. If I lose my contract, that Tomb Raider is going to take over-
Darla: WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
The whole wood shakes with earthshaking fury.
Kain: Argh! All right! Err- where are you going, sweet little girl???
Darla: (Calms down as suddenly as the storm began) Okay, that's better. I'm going to my granny's house to give her a basket of goodies!
Kain: Uh-huh. So, err, she lives in the woods, right?
Darla: Yup!
Kain: Okay. You know a shortcut?
Darla: Oh, I'm not supposed to tell strangers the way to granny's! But you can follow that nice little stream over there and you'll be at granny's in no time!
Kain: (Smiles sinisterly) And Moebius is playing granny?
Darla: Uncle Kain! You've just spoilt the surprise cast! I'm going now. HUMPH!
Kain smiles as Darla walks off.
Kain: Oh well. With Meobius stuck in bed, this'll be just too easy.
At granny's small, torn hut:
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Moebius: Eh? Oh no, not another basket of goodies. Haven't I enough cavities?
*Gets up to open the door and sees Kain in the fluffy wolf suit*
Moebius: OH-MY-GOD!
Kain: If you mean the costume, it's Darla's idea.
Moebius: LOOK AT YOU! HAHAHAHAHAHA! *Chokes from heart attack and falls dead to the ground.*
Kain: Huh. That was just tooo easy.
Kain strips him naked, kicks Moebius's dead body under the bed and puts the clothes on. After kicking a dirty, fleabitten wolf in old woman's clothes out of the bed he settled in and waited for Darla to arrive.
Soon enough she did.
Darla: Hello granny!
Kain: (In a sickening granny-like-voice) Hello, darling.
Darla: Woooo. What a BIG head you have.
Kain: Err-better to think with?
Darla: And look at those wrinkles!
Kain: Wrinkles???
Darla: And you have hair! Granny never had hair!
Kain: Err-Oh for Nosgoth's sake, it's me, Darla!
Darla: It's the big bad wulfie!
Pulls out her bazooka.
Kain: Hey wait! That never happened in the story!
Darla: Kids are always changing things, Uncle Kain. Now hold still!
Kain: AYYYYYYYIIIEEEEEEE!!!
Suddenly the door burst open and Raziel in a Canadian logger's suit appeared.
Raziel: Err.(Picks up script) 'Away with you, you flea-infested mongrel!'
Kain: You need work on your scriptwork.
Raziel: I can't be too sure. It's all in toddler's writing.
Darla: (Proudly) I wrote it myself!
Kain: I can't stand this any longer.
Kain is just being stupid because he loves killing Sarafans so much. The result? This dumb song. God! I just don't know why he keeps writing this!
VAE VICTUS by Thraxenel KAIN
Let sword be at hand,
And let the red blood flow,
Let them scream and cry,
Under my warth and fury!
Chorus:
VAE VICTUS!
VAE VICTUS!
DIE! DIE! DIE!
Sarafan butt I'm willing to kick,
Undead foes prepare to be sick,
Because Kain is back with his big bad Reaver,
All shake, tremble & quiver!
Slash their heads and feed their bones to the hounds, Throw them into the air and whack them to the ground,
Come to me and you will be,
Running away screaming, "MOMMY!"
(Chorus)
All my enemies beware,
I can be plenty of a scare,
I'll make munchkins out of your spines,
And spaghetti out of your very intestines!
Sing hey!
(Chorus and repeat)
VAE VICTUS!
VAE VICTUS!
DIE! DIE! DIE!
La .. la .. la .
Thraxenel: (Clamps ears shut) Oh god, where is the Elder God when we need him!?
*********WARNING! WARNING!*******
Those who think this fic is stupider than the Donkey King himself GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN! What you are about to see is-well, depends on your reaction- the most abdominal reading material that'll even send the Elder God's eyeball bursting out of his sockets with humiliation. Take my word for it, Kain is NOT improving! Don't even look at the next paragraph!
Oh no! No! No! Stop! Put those eyeballs back up!
NOOO! Please stop before it's too lat-
**YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED**
*Outtakes: 'Give-me-a-good-reason-why-I-still-typing-on-the-keyboard' type.
Kain is staring at Thraxenel's computer logged on Fanfiction.net. He is typing endlessly until an enraged Thraxenel stromed inside.
Thraxenel: Enough of this charade, Kain! You've done too much to my account and reputation in Fanfiction! Log off at once!
Kain: (Ignores him) Which story do you suggest I upload? 'Turel's Magic Ears' or 'Janos and the Gay Massacre'?
Thraxenel: LOG OFF NOW!
Kain: You're right. Turel's story sounds much funnier.
Thraxenel: Kain, please! I can't bear anymore bad reviews about this fic! I mean, you haven't even read Blood Omen or Soul Reaver yet!
Kain: Thraxie, it's not about reading those fancy scripts. It's about making people laugh.
Thraxenel: Yes, but-
Kain: Okay, now that you get my point, I might wanna cook up more about Vorador and his ragdoll.
Thraxenel: The ragdoll joke? You think that's 'funny'?
Raziel: It's from personal experience. C'mon, Kain, write some more about them both.
Thraxenel: What? Of all the sudden you changed sides?
Raziel: He's improving.
Thraxenel: You both have poor sense of humor! I say that's enough. Log off now or I'll plug this computer-
Kain: You know, we should put Thraxenel in this fic.
Raziel: Yeah, and his name is 'he-who-steals-every-scene-with-relentless- yakking.'
Thraxenel: That's it!
Thraxenel dives for the plug, but Kain screamed a loud 'No!' and leaps on him.
Thraxenel: OUFFF!
Kain: AH-HAH!
Thraxenel: Get off me, you big bafoon!
Kain: Oh, and you think the word 'bafoon' is funny? I'll show you funny!
They start wrestling with Raziel screaming, "Use the keyboard! Use the keyboard!"
Suddenly Darla steps into the scene, but no one notices her. She crosses over to the computer.
Darla: (Looking at screen) Fanfiction.net. Oooo! It's that website where we can write all sorts of things about out favourite characters! Let's see ..
And so she wrote:
'LiitTle ReD RidDIIng Hooode' a Stori bye Darla.
Da Kast:
Liitle Red Riding Hooode: ME!
The big, bad wulf: Uncle Kain.
Granma: Grumpy old Moebious (da one with artiris arthiris artihiris arthritis)
The handsum woodchopper: Raziel
Ones upon a time dere wasa sweet, prettie liittle gurl named DARLA (Dat's ME!) who alwaz wore da kolor red. One day, she went off to da woodes to give her granny a basket of goodies. And den the biiiiig, baaaaad, fluffy wulf kame.
(And then suddenly for some enigmatic reason, Kain is transported to a deserted woodland wearing a thick, furry wolf suit)
Kain: What the-???!
Darla: (Sugar-sweetly) Hello, Mr. Big Bad Wolf.
Kain: Darla! Where am I and why am I wearing this-
Darla: Uncle Kain! Don't spoil the stowie. You're supposed to say, "Where are you going, little girl?"
Kain: Darla, I can't do that.
Darla: AND WHY NOT!?
Kain: Well, because I'm a seriously crafted character specifically for serious and rather violent games. If I go around dressed as a goat-
Darla: It's a wulfie!
Kain: A wolf? Oh-err-fine, then. Anyway, Eidos and Crystal Dynamics is going to cut off my contract if they see me like this!
Darla: Sue them back, stupid. What's that big Reaver for?
Kain: You don't understand, Darla. If I lose my contract, that Tomb Raider is going to take over-
Darla: WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
The whole wood shakes with earthshaking fury.
Kain: Argh! All right! Err- where are you going, sweet little girl???
Darla: (Calms down as suddenly as the storm began) Okay, that's better. I'm going to my granny's house to give her a basket of goodies!
Kain: Uh-huh. So, err, she lives in the woods, right?
Darla: Yup!
Kain: Okay. You know a shortcut?
Darla: Oh, I'm not supposed to tell strangers the way to granny's! But you can follow that nice little stream over there and you'll be at granny's in no time!
Kain: (Smiles sinisterly) And Moebius is playing granny?
Darla: Uncle Kain! You've just spoilt the surprise cast! I'm going now. HUMPH!
Kain smiles as Darla walks off.
Kain: Oh well. With Meobius stuck in bed, this'll be just too easy.
At granny's small, torn hut:
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Moebius: Eh? Oh no, not another basket of goodies. Haven't I enough cavities?
*Gets up to open the door and sees Kain in the fluffy wolf suit*
Moebius: OH-MY-GOD!
Kain: If you mean the costume, it's Darla's idea.
Moebius: LOOK AT YOU! HAHAHAHAHAHA! *Chokes from heart attack and falls dead to the ground.*
Kain: Huh. That was just tooo easy.
Kain strips him naked, kicks Moebius's dead body under the bed and puts the clothes on. After kicking a dirty, fleabitten wolf in old woman's clothes out of the bed he settled in and waited for Darla to arrive.
Soon enough she did.
Darla: Hello granny!
Kain: (In a sickening granny-like-voice) Hello, darling.
Darla: Woooo. What a BIG head you have.
Kain: Err-better to think with?
Darla: And look at those wrinkles!
Kain: Wrinkles???
Darla: And you have hair! Granny never had hair!
Kain: Err-Oh for Nosgoth's sake, it's me, Darla!
Darla: It's the big bad wulfie!
Pulls out her bazooka.
Kain: Hey wait! That never happened in the story!
Darla: Kids are always changing things, Uncle Kain. Now hold still!
Kain: AYYYYYYYIIIEEEEEEE!!!
Suddenly the door burst open and Raziel in a Canadian logger's suit appeared.
Raziel: Err.(Picks up script) 'Away with you, you flea-infested mongrel!'
Kain: You need work on your scriptwork.
Raziel: I can't be too sure. It's all in toddler's writing.
Darla: (Proudly) I wrote it myself!
Kain: I can't stand this any longer.