Chapter 2
I am up early the next morning, heading towards the kitchen for hot chocolate. There's a new feeling bubbling up inside of me. One I can't understand because everywhere around me for the past two years have been horrific things. People murdered. My home obliterated. The Games. But I can't help it, because deep inside me there is a bubble of joy.
Until I hear Gale's voice, coming towards me from the other end of the corridor. He's talking to Finnick. I actually consider turning and running back to my room, but that would be silly. When he catches sight of me, I think a big smile crosses his face. But, I don't know because I can't meet his eyes. I am overwhelmed with guilt.
"Hey Catnip, good morning!" He is suddenly putting his arms around me, and leaning down for a kiss. I kiss him back, but I am still afraid to look at him. I let my hair fall over my face, to attempt to hide the betrayal that must show in my features. Finnick says good morning to me, pauses, then excuses himself.
Gale is obviously energized and ready to start his day. "How about getting something to eat with me?" he asks.
I shake my head. Words are not coming, and I'm thinking how horribly apparent it is that something has changed.
"Hey, what's wrong?" he asks as he leans down towards me.
"I'm just tired," I mutter. I feel like such a horrible person.
He pulls me into a hug, and I rest my head against his shoulder. I open my eyes, and there at the end of the corridor stands Peeta.
My heart breaks at the sight of him. He looks lost, standing there alone, and although his eyes no longer look at me with loathing, I still see the pain in his features. He is not smiling at me, and I worry that the scene he is watching will make him doubt me. But, I can't tear myself out of Gale's arms, because I don't want him to suffer either. I always knew one of them would feel pain because of me. Peeta turns around and starts heading down the corridor the other way. I am worried they will both have pain.
I gently remove myself from Gale's arms, and mutter something about leaving something in my room. I assure him I'll see him shortly, and he looks satisfied as he leaves, as though I were actually an honest person. My stomach is tied up in knots as I turn back towards my room.
I want to glance back. To see what Peeta is doing. But, I know I can't. I just need some space, some time to figure out how to make this work with the least number of casualities. I enter my room and plop down on my bed. This is not going to be easy.
I think I hear footsteps outside my door. They stop, and I wait, hoping, for a knock. But, there isn't one. I listen intently – my hunting skills sharp, my ears both working as they should. There are no sounds, but I get the sense someone is out there. I can't wait any longer, and I pull the door open. There is Peeta.
"Katniss," he says stiffly.
"Peeta," I reply. A flicker of worry that I imagined everything about last night flutters through my brain.
"Look, can I talk to you for a second?" he asks awkwardly. He is flexing and bending his fingers, betraying his anxiety.
"Sure," I say, and I gesture for him to come in. Being it's my bedroom, the only place to sit is the bed, and he looks awkward about sitting there. So, we both just stand, but I close the door.
"I, uh, well, I think I had a dream about you last night. Well, about us," he manages to say.
" "A dream?" I ask.
"Yeah, I think it must have been. I mean, I don't think it could be real."
I think he's playing a game with me, that he knows it wasn't a dream. But, on the other hand, maybe he isn't sure. His face is not the face of someone playing a game. "What was your dream?" I ask.
"Well, it was, um, I was having a hard night. Nightmares. And you came in, and I got upset. We yelled at each other, then you were comforting me. And then…"
"Then what?"
He looks right into my eyes with his vivid blue eyes. "You told me you loved me."
I feel the blush on my face. I want to break his gaze, but I don't. Instead, I decide to continue his game.
"So, in your dream, was that okay?"
"Well, yeah. Yeah, I'd have to say it was definitely okay." Long pause. Then, "Too bad it was just a dream," and he actually looks crestfallen.
I don't have words to continue this game any longer, and instead I reach for him, wrap my arms around him, and put my face right in front of his. "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news for you, Peeta," I whisper.
"What is it?" he asks, real worry in his voice.
"It wasn't a dream."
"I don't know," Peeta says. "I don't see how it could be anything other than a dream."
"Boy, Haymitch told me you'd take a lot of convincing, " I say with a bit of a smirk, using one of Peeta's lines on him. This takes him by surprise, but actually brings a trace of a smile to his face. A smile I haven't seen in a very long time. Then the game is over, and it's all real and he looks worried again. "Really, Katniss, is it real? Is it true?"
"Yes, Peeta. I do, I love you."
Our time aboard the hovercraft takes on a different quality after that. Time passes quickly, and I haven't found the resolve to tell Gale. He is so jacked about the revolution, but I know this will send his spirits plummeting. Besides, we'll be back in District 13 shortly, and I would rather tell him when it gets closer, as it will be hard to share close quarters with him for awhile. I absolutely don't want him taking it out on Peeta either, which is most likely what he'll do.
My heart aches when I think about Gale. I do love him. I've always known that. But, I kept thinking I was supposed to love him in another way, like he loves me. Gale has been my best friend for years. I still want him to be. Will that be possible? Then the heartache begins again, because in all honesty, I don't see how that could happen. It hurts so terribly to think of losing Gale.
On the other hand, I feel almost giddy when I see Peeta. My heart actually flutters, something I never expected to feel for anyone. It seems so silly, so unlike me. We find stolen moments to be together. It's all we can do, because I don't want Gale discovering my feelings for Peeta this way. He deserves so much more than this. So, instead something will happen like I'll be walking down the corridor, when Peeta will reach for my hand and pull me into his room. We are not in there long together. It is never enough time to hold him, to kiss him. But, for now it's all we have.
As our arrival at District 13 gets even closer, I take a water break at the table when I hear someone say to me, "You'd better tell him, you know."
My eyes dart upward to see Finnick, holding a coffee and settling into the seat across from me. I don't know what he means and don't respond.
"It'll break his heart, sure, but better coming from you, don't you think?"
"What are you talking about?" I ask, playing dumb, although I'm pretty sure what he means, and that troubles me. Is it so obvious?
"Gale. The poor boy is hopelessly in love with you. It's never going to be a good time to tell him, so you'd best get on with it."
"Just drop it, Finnick. You don't know what you're talking about." He has unnerved me with this conversation, and I want it over. I pretend to be absorbed in the view of the sky out the window.
"Really, Katniss, do you think he's blind or something? You have the unmistakable quality of a girl in love – red overheated face, shining eyes, a glow – well, when you look at Peeta that is."
I push my chair back and rise up quickly.
"Whoa, whoa, sit back down, Katniss. Sit."
Because Finnick is my friend, and the topic is one of great importance to me, I do sit. But, I fix him with my worst glare, crossing my arms tightly across my chest.
"It was really obvious going all the way back to the Quell. Gale's bound to figure it out sooner or later."
This pulls me up short. "What do you mean, what was obvious in the Quell?"
"Your feelings for Peeta," he says.
I don't respond, so he goes on. "Before the Quell, Haymitch told me some things. Like how your love for Peeta was just a sham, just a way to get the people on your side, blah, blah, blah. Peeta, of course, well, everyone knew his love for you was real. So, I went into the games knowing what you were doing was an act. Only I happened to see for myself that it was no act. You're just as in love as he is."
"What would you know about it, Finnick?" I ask accusingly.
His response is simple and quiet. "Plenty."
I remember that he is thinking of Annie, the one woman he truly loves, and I know his response is true.
I stand again. "Thanks for the advice, Finnick," I say coldly, but we both know I needed it.
I can't sleep at all that night and know I am running out of time to talk to Gale. I resist the urge to sneak into Peeta's room and just let myself forget about everything else in the world. That's really the opposite of what I need to do right now. I am up early, without sleep and trying to form the words in my head. Words have never been my strength, but I sure need them now. I don't even hear the footsteps behind me, just the murmured voice.
"Is there something you'd like to tell me?"
I'd recognize that voice anywhere and am not surprised I missed the soundless footsteps.
My heart starts thumping in my chest. I can't turn and look at Gale, so instead I simply ask, "What do you want to know?"
"Actually, I don't want to know any of it, Katniss. Well, just one thing. Why couldn't you tell me, why did you have to make me feel like a fool?"
I immediately note the use of my real name, not his pet name for me. When I turn to look at him, his jaw is set, full of tension. His eyes are swollen, outlined in red.
I start to play dumb, to act like I have no idea what he's talking about, but he's too smart for that. So, instead I say the only thing I can. "I'm sorry."
"Are you?" Gale asks, his eyes boring into mine. And he turns and walks away.
I am left watching him walk off, and I am sure Gale is not just walking to another part of the hovercraft. No, I think he is walking out of my life. Forever.