Title: Finding Comfort
Author: Erika
Spoilers: ITSOTG Parts I and II
Note: I know Zoey isn't typically used for fics, but I thought it would
be interesting to see what she was going through after the events of
Rosslyn.
Disclaimer: I don't own any characters that have appeared on The West
Wing, though owning Bradley Whitford/Josh Lyman is something I really
wouldn't mind.
Zoey sat, rooted to the chair in the hospital waiting room just outside of Josh's private room. He had been moved out of the ICU two days after his surgery and, as far as anyone could tell, was recovering well. But all Zoey could do was stare at his door, and she hated herself for it. She thought about Josh's influence on her, all he had done for her, and when she thought about what she had done for him...She just came up with a big blank. She sighed to herself and fiddled with her bag, remembering how she had gotten the beloved item in the first place.
Flashback--Sometime during the Primaries
"Hello, Zoey," Josh said cheerfully.
Zoey gave him a strange look. "You're oddly chipper this morning."
"Why, Zoey, what makes you say that?" he asked with a wide grin.
"You're freaking me out, Josh. What's going on?"
"Zoey!" Josh exclaimed, exasperated, unaware that Governor Bartlet and
Leo had walked up behind him. "It's your birthday!"
Zoey felt a smile creep across her face. "Josh..."
Josh shook his head. "You don't have to say anything, I'm just really good
with dates. I got you a little something to celebrate!" He handed her the
wrapped present that he had been holding behind his back and said proudly,
"I wrapped it myself."
Zoey held back a laugh, looking at the huge chunks of Scotch tape Josh had used.
"Uh, yeah, I can see that."
"Go ahead, open it."
"Listen, Josh, I really appreciate this, but..."
"Aw, come on, Zoey, open it!"
Zoey rolled her eyes at Josh's whining and conceded. She let out a little gasp
as she tore the paper away to find a beautiful Louis Vitton bag and looked up at
the older man. "Josh!"
"It's not real," he said sheepishly, his face flushing. "I was
going to buy a real one, but I didn't realize how much they, you know..."
"I don't care if it's not real, I love it!" Zoey exclaimed, throwing
her arms around Josh and catching her father's eye. "Thank you so
much!"
"I saw you looking at it one time," he explained, "and since it's
your birthday, I figured..."
"Josh," Zoey interrupted, pulling back from the embrace. "I don't
know how to tell you this."
"What?" he asked, confused.
"Zoey's birthday," Governor Bartlet's booming voice started, causing
Josh to jump.
"Governor!" he exclaimed in surprise.
"Josh," Bartlet greeted before continuing. "It's March 15
today."
"Yes," Josh agreed slowly.
"My birthday isn't until May 15," Zoey finished, smiling at the
bewildered look on Josh's face.
"And you have never been good with dates," Leo added, patting the
curly-haired man on the back.
"I...I..." Josh stammered, his face flushing even more. "I have
meetings." With that and a quick farewell to all present, he made a fast
exit.
"He's a good kid," Jed said, watching Josh walk away.
"I told you so," Leo replied, looking proud.
"See, dad?" Zoey said. "I told you he's a great guy!"
Jed looked at his daughter, suspicion etched on his face. "Zoey, please
don't tell me you have a crush on Josh."
"Dad!" Zoey exclaimed, looking horrified.
"Leo, tell Zoey that office romances never work," Jed said, ignoring
Zoey's pleas.
"Office romances never work," Leo deadpanned to the young girl,
smiling to himself as she groaned loudly and stalked away. He looked to Jed for
approval.
"Nice work."
"I know."
Present Time
"I hope you don't plan on sitting there
all day."
Zoey snapped her head up at the sound of a familiar voice. "God, Sam, you
scared me!"
He apologized as he sat down next to her. "So, what are you thinking
about?"
"Josh," she replied.
"Me, too."
"How's he doing?"
"He lies to pretend he's fine."
"But?"
"He's not," Sam replied, obviously not wanting to explain.
"Okay."
"Listen, he's in there by himself right now. I told him I was getting
lunch. You should go on in."
"Where's Donna?"
"Josh sent her back the White House about ten minutes ago."
"Oh."
"Zoey?"
"Yeah?"
"Talk to him, will you?"
"Okay, Sam."
Sam nodded, satisfied, and stood to leave. "I'll see you later."
"Zoey?"
"Hey, Josh," she said, trying to smile. She walked toward his bed and sat down on the chair placed next to it. "How've you been?"
"Other than the gaping hole in my chest, I'm fine," Josh replied. Zoey frowned and widened her eyes. "Zoey, that was a joke."
"Oh." She gave a forced laugh.
"Sorry, my sense of humor hasn't been what it used to be the past few days."
"It's okay."
Josh looked closely at his boss's daughter, noting the grim look on her face. "What's wrong?"
Zoey rolled her eyes. "Well, you were shot."
Josh gave her a smile. "Yeah, that kind of sucks."
Zoey shook her head. "Why are you doing that? Making these jokes?" Josh felt his smile fade away.
"Zoey, I..."
"Do you think this is funny?" Zoey went on. "Because if you do, you are seriously warped."
"Of course I don't think it's funny!" Josh exclaimed, his chest beginning to tighten.
"Then what's your problem?"
"My problem? Jesus, Zoey, look around you! You think I'm happy that I was shot?" He almost went on, but the pain was able to overpower him before he could. He fell back against his pillows, panting and clutching his chest.
"Josh?" Zoey whispered fearfully, reaching for his arm.
"I'm okay," Josh wheezed, squeezing her hand in an attempt to reassure her.
"You are not," Zoey protested. "Should I call someone?"
"No, no, really, I'll be fine. It happens sometimes."
"Often?"
"Only if I work myself up."
Zoey felt warm tears running down her cheek. "I'm so sorry," she whimpered.
Josh raised his eyebrows. "Hey," he said softly, brushing a tear away. "It's not your fault."
Zoey nodded, sniffling. "Yeah, well...I'm sorry I haven't come to see you."
"Don't worry about it. I understand."
"No, you...I just wish this hadn't happened. It's not fair."
"I'll agree with you on that."
"You know what I was thinking about before I came in?" Off Josh's curious look, she gave him a smile. "I was thinking about the time you gave me this bag."
Josh chuckled lightly. "I remember."
"I was so happy."
Josh shook his head. "It's fake, Zoey, I don't get it. Most kids want the real thing, don't they?"
"Well, sure, but don't worry. I know you don't have enough money to get me a real one."
"Hey!" Josh said indignantly. "I take offense to that!"
Zoey smirked. "I'll bet." Her expression softened. "Josh, it really doesn't matter if the bag is the real deal or not. The fact that you even gave it to me...It means a lot."
Josh did his best to shrug. "What can I say? I know what the ladies like."
Zoey stared at him. "You are such a loser."
Josh gave her an innocent look. "Hey, I'm just saying."
A pleasant moment of silence passed between the two while Zoey kept a hold on Josh's hand, trying to remind herself that he would be okay.
"Josh?"
"Yeah?"
"The guys that shot at us?"
"Yeah."
"If you could talk to them right now--if they were still alive--what would you say?"
Josh looked at Zoey directly, wondering about how he should reply. He licked his lips. "Zoey, I...I don't know," he said truthfully.
"You haven't thought about it?"
Josh averted his eyes, concentrating on the fingers that were wrapped around his hand. "It's been a week since it happened, and I don't remember much. All I think about when I'm awake is the pain, and all I think about when I sleep is the fire."
"Fire?"
"Gunfire," he lied, silently cursing himself for the barely noticeable slip. "Toby found me, did you know that?"
"I didn't."
"I don't remember it. I can't even...I can't remember why I was behind everyone when it happened. I can't remember where I was when it happened. I can't remember what I did after it happened. I can't..." He took a breath to calm himself. "All I know is, when those guns started going off--I was terrified." Zoey started to say something, but Josh cut her off. "The point is, if the shooters were alive, and I saw them face-to-face...I don't know if I'd even be capable of saying anything."
"Josh..."
"It wasn't personal, Zoey. I didn't know those guys, and they didn't know me. But when I look at Sam and Toby and C.J. and Donna and Leo...Zoey, when I look at them, I know they'd want to kill those guys themselves if they could. Me? I'd be out on the floor before I could even make a move." Zoey was speechless. She didn't know what she had expected Josh to say, but it certainly wasn't that. Josh noticed her incapacity to speak and went on. "They're two guys out of a million. So what am I supposed to say to them?"
Zoey blinked. "I guess there's nothing you could say," she said slowly.
"Well, I'm coming from a different perspective. What about you?"
"What about me?"
"You asked me what I'd say. You've obviously thought about it, and I want to hear what you'd have to say."
"I would say..." She trailed off for a moment. "I'd tell them how much I hate them for what they did." Josh nodded, encouraging her to go on. "I'd say that it was wrong of them to...God, it's so much easier when I'm just thinking about it." Josh smiled.
"Isn't it?"
"I think you're right. There's nothing that can be said to make it better or make it so the shooting never happened." She looked up at Josh laid her free hand on the right side of his chest. "I was so worried about my father that night...I didn't even think anybody else was hurt. This whole thing, it..."
"Zoey, I'm going to stop you right there because I know what you're going to say. It wasn't your fault. I don't know how many times you have to hear that to get it through your head, but it was not your fault. You and Charlie are so happy when you're together. Everybody sees it. If you let what happened stop that, you've let them win."
Zoey grinned. "That's quite a pep talk, Mr. Lyman."
"I live for giving them," Josh retorted with a proud smile.
"Before I came here, I talked to C.J.," Zoey said suddenly.
"Yeah?"
She nodded. "She told me that you don't blame me for what happened, but I didn't believe her."
"Why not?"
"I don't know," she replied with a shrug. "I should have known, though. I was pretty stupid to think that, huh?"
"Yeah, you're a big dummy," Josh chuckled. "But you're a loveable dummy, so it's alright." He paused. "You know, this conversation is getting so clichéd."
Zoey laughed. "Well, then, throw something at me, and we'll talk about that."
"Did you tape those Starsky and Hutch re-runs like I asked you to?"
"Well, gee, I've only been doing it for you the past three months. Seriously, Josh, why don't you just tape it yourself?"
"I told you! I can't figure out how to work my VCR."
"Have you ever thought about looking in the manual?"
"I think I lost it."
"Why am I not surprised?"
Josh glared at her. "It's not my fault I'm disorganized."
"Actually, yes, it is."
"Shut up."
A knock at the door made both Josh and Zoey look up to see Sam poking his head in. "Am I interrupting anything?"
"Only Josh's stupidity," Zoey replied cheerfully.
"Oh. Good then, nothing new," Sam joked, entering the room. He stood at the foot of his best friend's bed. "How're you feeling?"
"I'd feel a lot better if both of you left," the older man grumbled.
Sam let out a short laugh. "Well, there's really no chance of that, so why don't you give me a more specific answer."
"I feel fine," Josh answered. "Really, Sam, I do."
"Glad to hear it."
Zoey glanced at her watch. "Oh, hey, I've got to get going. I'm meeting some friends in half an hour," she said, standing from her chair. She gestured for Sam to take it, and he conceded, giving her a grateful smile. She leaned down to give Josh a kiss on his forehead and waved good-bye to Sam. "I'll see you guys later."
"Don't be a stranger!" Josh called as she left the room. He turned his head to Sam. "How was lunch?"
Sam raised an eyebrow. "I went to the hospital cafeteria."
"Ugh," Josh grunted. "I'm sorry."
"I'll get over it eventually. How was...you know, whatever this was."
"Nice," Josh said. "We had a good talk."
"Private?"
Josh shrugged. "She thinks what we all think."
"Her fault?"
"Yeah."
"Josh?"
"Hmm?"
"I love you, buddy."
Josh gave his friend a strange look. "Thanks...I love you, too?"
"Thank you, Josh."
"Okay." The two sat in an awkward silence, each trying their hardest not to look the other in the eye.
"So..." Sam started.
"So..."
"TV?"
"Yeah, sounds good."
To Be Continued