I was picked up by a newspaper truck to be taken to my new home. My new owner was all the way in Arizona, and I was in Florida. It was a long drive so I slept on top of a bundle of news papers. The driver told me beforehand that if I pissed on the papers, he would squeeze me to death.

That sure gave me some lovely dreams afterwards.

I could hear the faint drone of the music in the front. I wanted to hear, so I pressed myself against the window and squeaked along. Unfortunately the driver thought there were mice in his truck and started going all crazy. I hoped he had Otter Insurance.

For the next few hours I had to sit in the front in order not to give the driver a "nervous breakdown". It wasn't comfortable (because on was sitting on his clipboard), but at least I could hear the music better.

Finally we got to Barrytown, which is where my to-be owner lived. It was a very small yet very industrial.

The mail dude dropped me off at an apartment with some packages, and drove off without a word. I felt lonely and started pawing at the door. A woman in her thirties answered.

"What the Hell? Why is there a godforsaken otter at my fucking doorstep?!" She kicked me and called the mail people for information.

I on the other hand, scrambled inside and found her cookie stash.

A couple minutes later she retrieved me and sat me on her front step.

"Look, it seems as though you were to belong to folks in California, but you were dumped at my place,"

Smart, real smart.

She twiddled her fingers around her curly red hair before speaking again. "They do not take refunds, so I guess you are mine until I locate those people and tell them you are here."

I nodded in approval of her efforts. She smiled and made me some oatmeal. At first I thought it was smashed up bugs, but then she added brown sugar. I ate it in one whole otter lick.

This woman's name was Gina Dast, and she had multiple boyfriends that came to her house everyday.

I bit them all, holding a record for otter biting most stupid men. This lady also had a cat named sniffles. It was butt fat. I liked to chase it, but as usual Gina would kick me outside if I even looked at it.

Gina was very artistic; she knew how to make food. I mean like spaghetti and salad. Yes, Ginny knew how to make food too, but all she really made was duck. Reason number 50234 why I hated her.

If that is a number.

I learned on the local news that Hermione (Harry' old friends and Ron's ex) had moved to America from England and intended to run for president. I loved Hermione. I remembered one time when Harry was still alive that she came over for Thanksgiving. She snuck me food the whole time through. Although, she did that because of her digestive problems. But still.

For the next few days I heard Gina argue on the phone with one of her boyfriends. Then one day she told me that a guy named Alec and her were getting married.

Surprise, Surprise.

On the day of the wedding I had to stay home and be looked after a kid. He wasn't that helpful when I asked him for the cookies.

This Alec guy was big. I attacked him the moment I saw his face. He had to go to the emergency room and I had to go outside.

One fine day Gina took me for a walk. All along her road I saw "Vote for Hermionie" posters. It made me feel happy inside. But when I ate a "Vote for Haney" poster, the Chinese person who owned the thing cursed at me in some form of Asian. Gina scolded me, and I was without desert that night.

Gina and Alec thought it would be cute if I tried out for the doggy swim team. So they dragged my ass all the way down to the college pool. I was a natural born swimmer, for I got in the highest group there is!

And of course I got kicked out the first day because I attacked the swim coach.

From then on I learned that that the police station is not an amusement park.

One day when Gina and Alec were out I snuck into the fridge. I snooped around for something good to eat. What I found shocked me. There standing right by the Lean Cuisine meal, was Otter Pops! I squeaked and ran out the doggy door in disgust. The woman made otters into pops! I never saw Gina again.