REVISED

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.

Summary: Her eyes had gone dead and her fire was gone. Kakashi's desperate attempt to hold onto Sakura during her slow disintegration into madness.

A/N: I've just gone over my favorites list and realized where the inspiration for this story came from. 'The Butterfly' by Tea Leaf!

And perhaps I should warn you. I'll be skipping around, timewise. There will always be clues to her age, though.

-0-

To Feel: Chapter 2

The bright sunlight hurt Sakura's swollen, red eyes and mocked her with its cheerfulness. Cheerfulness that she felt she'd never experience again. She sniffed and hugged herself tighter, hoping that her own arms could support her and stop her from falling to the ground as her legs threatened to do.

'This isn't fair…she—this just isn't fair!'

She rubbed away the tears that ran tracks down her face and finally fled, ignoring the turning heads that would have unnerved her a month ago. Sakura collapsed in a heap and curled herself into a ball, 'NOT FAIR!'

The wind blew by lightly, twirling her hair around its invisible fingers and cooling her skin. It was the perfect day.

"NOT FAIR!"

She trembled and she yanked at her locks, wishing that she had been better. Then maybe circumstances would be different…her face contorted in pain and she pounded the ground with her fists. In all her self pity, she hadn't noticed the dejected boy brooding some feet away as he glared at his feet.

A voice cut through the silence.

"You think your life's unfair?" Derision was obvious in his voice. "As if you know how badly things could be pitted against you." But it was a simple statement. No yelling or screaming…how controlled he must be. Barely ten and reigning in his emotions, cold face matching cold voice, contradicting the turbulent eyes he hadn't yet learned to freeze.

Sakura hiccupped as she started, and she felt anger welling in her heart. It wasn't fair it wasn't fair…and here he—some stranger—was saying that it was fair? That she deserved to die? Heartless. Unfeeling. She hated him already. Sakura stumbled to her feet, feigning weakness and she made small steps toward the voice; she slowly raised her head towards the speaker and moved her arm back.

Then punched him.

Sasuke cried out and clutched his cheek glaring at the pink haired girl in front of him, "What's wrong with you!" Sakura ignored his question and tackled him to the ground; she proceeded to pull his hair, scratch his face, punch his stomach and pound on his chest, all the while shrieking in anger. "YOU MEAN PERSON! I HATE YOU! YOU THINK IT'S FAIR THAT SHE DIED! YOU THINK IT'S FAIR! I'LL KILL YOU!"

Sasuke finally managed to escape the rabid girl's grasps and held a hand over his bruised stomach, coughing and rubbing his split lip. He glared at the girl and screamed right back, the pent up emotion that had been slowly building for weeks and weeks. "WELL YOU DON'T KNOW HOW UNFAIR THINGS CAN BE! MY WHOLE CLAN WAS KILLED! YOU'RE PROBABLY COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR STUPID PET DOG THAT DIED BECAUSE YOU FORGOT TO FEED IT!"

Ache.

Sakura's wails became louder and she ran after the ten year old boy, picking up sticks and rocks and throwing them at him. "I HATE YOU!" She fell to her well scraped knees and pulled her legs close to her, rocking back and forth. She seemed to have withdrawn into herself and she ignored Sasuke, who was tentatively watching her from some twenty feet away.

"I hate you I hate you. I hate you." She was mumbling to herself, but her words carried across the quiet grounds to Sasuke. "I hate you, nee-chan. You weren't…weren't supposed to die. You should've run! I HATE YOU! Why'd you leave me! How am I supposed to fight off the bullies and, and who's gonna bake me cookies and teach me and play with me!"

Sasuke inched closer to the hysterical nine year old and watched her with unpitying eyes.

"You only lost one person?" More curiosity than scorn. "I lost my whole clan." Regret. Anger. Hate.

Sakura sniffed and glanced at him. Her heart cried out for the pain she felt, to be soothed. Her heart felt the pull of an akin heart, of identical pain. She slowly crawling over and took his hand in hers, holding it close to her sternum. His eyes widened and she yanked him down, making him sit, and huddled with him.

Her heart was akin to his. His pain was identical to hers. Two of a kind. Sakura wrapped her arms around his shoulders and placed his around hers, and she slowly let her tears out.

"It's alright to cry, nee-chan said. She said that even the skies cry sometimes. That's why it rains. But now nee-chan's quiet." So unbearably quiet. "Now nee-chan doesn't say anything anymore." They were just echoes in Sakura's head. "Nee-chan's buried in the ground now." She watched them do it. "And I wonder. Will she know when the skies cry anymore?"

Sasuke wondered at her words and realized how cold he had felt before, despite the sun's rays. It was warmer now. Because they were one and the same. He hugged the girl closer and found the body heat to be comforting. Because she felt his pain. Because she felt no pity. Because she truly understood. "Why doesn't the sky cry now? Isn't it sad that she's dead? That they're dead? My sister and your clan? Why doesn't the sky cry now…"

Sakura's words fell on deaf ears and Sasuke, though he was young, was reluctant to let tears escape his eyes. His eyes were just barely open and he slowly watched a bug crawl up a blade of grass.

"Emotions are weak, Sasuke. Look at Itachi! Look at his face! That is the perfect shinobi!"

"Tou-sama said that tears are for the weak. That emotions are for the weak. Am I…weak, then?"

Sakura hiccupped and clung tighter to Sasuke's shirt. "No one can see. Even if they're weak no one can see."

Sasuke didn't answer, but let a few tears bleed down his slightly scratched up face. The two children held each other until Sasuke's foster parents came and Sakura's biological ones came. They never even knew each others' name.

-0-

Sakura furrowed her large brow when she saw a dark haired boy sitting in the classroom. Because of the bullying problems, she had been transferred to a different class—one that she'd stay in for the next two years of the academy.

'He…he looks a lot like the kid I met that day,' she thought, walking closer to him. She squinted. "Sasuke-kun!" Ino's voice cut through the air, and time, which had seemed to slow down the moment Sakura set her eyes on Sasuke, sped up and she blinked.

Sasuke 'hn-ed' her, but Ino continued bugging him to no avail. Sakura felt annoyance well as she watched Ino stand so close to him. So close… Ino finally came stomping over to Sakura and huffed angrily. "Shikamaru's too lazy, Chouji doesn't know how to do it, and Sasuke won't help me! Just how am I supposed to learn how to throw multiple shuriken and kunai right if no one'll help teach me!"

After her explosion, she plopped herself in the seat next to Sakura and let her head fall onto the desk. "You wanna come over to my house, Sakura-chan? I can teach you flower arranging, ne?" Ino grinned happily at her best friend, her past anger seemingly forgotten.

That was the week that Sakura had returned the red ribbon that Ino had given her as a present the year before, when her sister had been unable to fend off the bullies due to being six feet under. 'Good bye, Ino.'

Sakura didn't know what had come over her. She just knew that she couldn't stand Ino speaking to Sasuke. The jealousy that she felt and refused to acknowledge pushed her to act impulsively. Because Sakura was sure to be overshadowed by her loud, blonde friend when it was imperative that Sasuke notice her. He needed to see her. He needed to like her.

'Why…does he matter so much?'

It wasn't for another three years that Sakura realized Sasuke had been the boy she met at her sister's funeral. It wasn't for another three years that she realized why exactly she felt drawn to Sasuke. It wasn't until she found out about their previous connection that she realized her love for him and confessed it the night Sasuke had betrayed the Leaf. And it wasn't for three years after her confession, that she discovered that Sasuke was not the boy she had comforted when she was nine, and that she had been in love with an illusion of the past for years. That day, she finally let go of Sasuke.

-0-

Sakura woke to the sound of the shower running—water pelting the hard tile of the shower stall. She tiredly closed her eyes and hugged the navy comforter closer around her partially clothed form and yawned. She had to admit… 'I didn't get much sleep last night.'

The water was turned off and Kakashi emerged from the bathroom, one towel draped loosely around his hips and rubbing another one to dry his drooping hair. He grinned at her and she stared for a second, drinking in the sight, before letting a shy smile grace her lips.

"Good morning."

"…hi."

Kakashi rummaged through his drawers and pulled out his clothes, returning to the bathroom to dress. He came out still drying his hair with his mask hanging around his neck. Sakura had gotten out of bed and gotten her black shorts and red dress on; she still needed to zip up her dress.

Kakashi walked over and kissed her lightly on the lips, one hand zipping up her dress for her as he stared into her eyes. There was a special light in her eyes. One that hadn't been there some six months ago, when he had started this…experiment. He mentally frowned, feeling the churning of guilt in his gut as he realized that that was all this was. 'An experiment.' One to help her, for sure, but still an experiment.

Was it right? He wasn't sure what, exactly, Sakura thought of their exchanges, but he wasn't about to ask her. That would undo all the progress that she had gone through. She participated more in training and even initiated conversations—something she had previously avoided.

Sakura slid her arms around Kakashi's waist and moved her arms upwards, hugging his body close to hers. She just needed to feel his heart beat, the pulse of his blood and the slow rhythm of his breathing. 'Just need to know this is real just need to know I'm real I matter he cares.' Her thoughts were jumbled and incoherent—rantings and ravings of a falling mind.

Kakashi breathed in her scent and closed his eyes, wondering when it had happened that the feel of her body would send his mind into overdrive. 'Anyone else…but only her. Anyone else but I only want her.' The confusing thoughts chased themselves around in his head, creating even more of a mess of the situation than was already there. Why did he suddenly feel this way with her?

The light of dawn fell on the two close figures. She often hugged him. It seemed as if that reassured her more than the kisses and soft touches. Just a hug was enough. Someone to hold.

Sakura pulled away—not before giving Kakashi a kiss on the cheek—and picked up her things. She would take a shower at her house as usual, and then head over to headquarters, where she would see if she had missions.

-0-

She entered her house through the front door and headed up the stairs to her bedroom, which had a bathroom connected to it. Her parents were still downstairs. Sakura tossed her clothes into the hamper and jumped into the shower, washing quickly before coming out again and dressing. When she entered the kitchen, her parents were glaring at her.

"And where have you been, young lady?"

She seemed hardly fazed, "Out."

Her father slammed the newspaper on the table, "And with who!" he growled angrily, his face twisted in a frown. Battle hardened hands were gripped tightly into fists. Sakura stared at him, "Does it matter? You'd yell at me all the same."

Her mother's face was slowly reddening, giving her usually pale complexion red splotches mainly centered around the cheeks. Her voice was trembling with anger and her hand gripped the seat of the chair so hard her knuckles turned white, "Haruno Sakura your father and I demand to know where you've been! Why are you out all the time! This is the fourth time this month! Did we do something wrong? Is this some sick form of punishment? It will be something you regret more! What if you get pregnant! You sister would never—"

Kumiko suddenly froze, mid rant, and both she and her husband stared at Sakura, waiting for her reaction. The inevitable reaction for bringing up such a taboo subject. For bringing up something she had shoved deep in her mind, away from consciousness. Sakura's eyes had widened and her gaze was set intently on her mother. Blood pounded in her ears and her breathing turned shallow…then turned away. "I was at Kakashi-sensei's. He taught me some new jutsus from the scrolls he has. You can ask him if you want."

Sakura was out the door before her parents could reply. The wind whipped her shoulder length hair into her face and she shoved her hands into the pocket of her jacket and kept her eyes to her feet. She could vaguely make out greetings to her, but she couldn't be sure. Nothing was sure anymore.

All she could hear was the blood, still pounding in her ears, and rushing to heat her face and neck and ears. 'Nee-chan would never do that…never get close to her sensei. Never let the pressure get to her. Never break let alone crack. Never fail. Never need to be saved. Nee-chan would never hide or die. But she did die. She never would. So I can be with Kakashi-sensei. So if she died I can fail and I can break and I can hide and die and crack and fall and scream and yell and….Because she died. She never died. So I can die.'

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Revised: 4.4.06