Wednesday, October 1, 1972
Hogwarts; Transfiguration Class
"All right, class dismiss," said Professor McGonagall.
The students all gathered up their books and began to file out. Narcissa stayed at her desk. She wanted to talk to Professor McGonagall. She was strict, but it was also pretty obvious that she cared about her students.
"Miss Black? Why are you still here? Is something wrong?"
Narcissa slowly rose from her seat and walked up to McGonagall's desk.
"Professor, should I always do what people tell me to do?" she asked in a quiet voice
"Of course not; you should do what you think is right."
"That's the problem then, I don't know what's right and what's wrong."
"Is this a family problem?" asked McGonagall, her face seemed concern
Narcissa nodded.
"Well, because you're still young I cannot go against your parents, but in time you will come to your own convictions and beliefs."
That was no help at all.
"Well, thank you Professor," she said.
Narcissa picked up her bag and walked out of the classroom. After a month of being back in school she was still more confused than ever. Sirius hadn't changed at all; he still spent all of his time with James Potter; smart, no nonsense Remis Lupin, and the incredibly annoying Peter Pettigrew.
The four of them were inseparable. She was glad that Sirius had some friends of his own. His parents almost flipped when they found out he been sorted into Gryffindor and they said he wouldn't fit in at all. They were wrong. In only his second year, Sirius was one of the most popular kids in school.
His younger brother Regulus had been sorted into Slytherin, much too both boys delight. Sirius was glad that his bratty brother wouldn't be following him and his friends around, and Regulus was once more glad at the fact that he was able to do something that Sirius couldn't.
She sat down on a bench outside in the courtyard and pulled off the necklace that Sirius had given her last Christmas. It still looked brand new, even though she wore it every day. The words on the back still gave her encouragement. Most times she still felt empty and alone, her father's attempts to shatter her dreams were almost successful.
"That's lovely," came a gentle voice.
Narcissa turned around and saw Lucius Malfoy standing behind her. He had changed quite a bit over the summer. He had grown several inches, and his chest and shoulders had broadened out as well. His thick white blonde hair was slightly longer and pulled back into a small ponytail.
"What do you want?" asked Narcissa as she put her necklace back on.
"Nothing really," said Lucius, his tone seemed deeper and more mature than it had been several months before.
"How was your holiday?" Narcissa asked, "You went to Greece, didn't you?"
"Yes," said Lucius sitting down next to her, "It was fairly enjoyable. How was your holiday?"
"About as enjoyable as a cancelled Quidditch game."
Lucius smiled, "That bad?"
"Yeah," said Narcissa.
She looked over at him. He seemed so much more handsome than when she last saw him. There was a difference in his mannerisms as well or at least when he was around her.
"You've changed over the summer," he said after a while.
"I have?" Narcissa asked, feeling a slight blush come to her face.
"You're taller and your face has thinned out slightly. You look older."
"Older?"
Lucius almost laughed, "Mature older."
"I see," said Narcissa, "Thank you for your compliment then."
The bell rang and Narcissa suddenly realized that she was going to miss Charms class if she didn't hurry.
"I better go," she said, "I'll be late for class."
"Goodbye," said Lucius
For a second she was tempted to turn around and thank him for helping her last April, but when she did he was already gone.
Thursday, October 16, 1972
The Great Hall - lunch
Narcissa finished up her History of Magic essay and placed the finished work in her school binder. One more thing done. She was looking forward to choir practice that night. Professor Flitwick was doing an original composition by Newalt Goovendeling "The Seer's Sun" It was a personal favorite of hers.
As she was flipping through her music book, she saw Lucius Malfoy and some of his friends sitting down from her and beginning to eat. She didn't pay any attention to them until she began to hear her name.
"I can't believe how gorgeous Narcissa Black has gotten! Where did she go for summer holiday?
"Shh, she'll hear you."
"In a room this loud?"
"She went to France this summer," she heard Lucius say.
"She went to France a little girl and came back a woman. I didn't even recognize her."
"Yeah, her face isn't the only thing that's changed…"
She heard the boys laugh. She was wondering if Lucius was laughing with them and what he thought of her, but she didn't hear him say much. She actually didn't mind them talking about her like that.
Wait, what was she thinking? She hated it when people talked about her! What was wrong with her? She shyly looked down the table and saw the boys talking, Lucius was smiling about something, but he didn't seem to be saying much.
She went back to her book and started to read again.
"Miss Black!"
Narcissa looked up. It had sounded like Professor Flitwick's voice and sure enough it was. He was hurrying to where she was sitting.
"Miss Black, choir practice has been cancelled tonight. Seems like half of the group have come down with a cold."
"That's not good," said Narcissa, slightly disappointed, choir was the highlight of her week, "Thank you Professor and I hope everyone gets better."
Might as well head back to the common room.
She put her books away and walked pass Lucius and his friends on the way out of the hall. She had the strangest feeling they were watching her as she passed by.
Thursday, October 31, 1972
The Great Hall - Halloween Feast
Narcissa felt like she couldn't eat a thing. So much food and candy in front of her and she felt nauseous. Everyone else was gorging themselves on the feast, but Narcissa thought she was going to be sick to her stomach.
"What's wrong?" asked a student next to her, "You look pale."
"I just don't feel like eating."
"What?" said Crabbe, "This is the best night of the school year!"
"I know, but I just don't…I'm heading back to the common room."
"Could you be coming down with the cold that's been going around the school?" asked Charlotte Bryers, "Maybe you should head to the hospital."
"No, I'm fine," Narcissa said standing up, "You all enjoy the feast."
As she was walking back to the Slytherin common room she saw Lucius Malfoy reading on the steps.
"Why aren't you at the feast?" she asked.
"The feast has started?"
"Almost fifteen minutes ago," Narcissa said.
"I guess I lost track of time," he said putting his book into his bag, "Don't tell me you walked all the way here to remind me that the feast had started?"
"No," Narcissa said shaking her head, "I didn't feel like eating, so I was going to head back to my room."
"I've noticed you haven't eaten all day," said Lucius, "and you're really pale. Are you sick?"
He placed the back of his hand on her forehead and Narcissa almost stopped him, but he was so gentle she hardly felt anything.
"You're really warm," he said, "but you're not burning up. Go lay down on the common room couch and I'll be there in a minute."
When Narcissa got into the dark common room, she started a fire in the fireplace and lay down on the couch. She was nervous as to what Lucius was up to, but she had a feeling he wouldn't hurt her. There had been a genuine look of concern in his eyes.
After a few minutes she heard the portrait door open and she saw Lucius walk in. In his hands he was carrying a small glass jar and a washcloth in a bowl.
"Just relax," he said as he poured the contents of the bottle into the bowl and dampened the washcloth with it. Whatever was in there, it smelled heavenly. He gently pressed the washcloth to her forehead. Relief began to spread through her body. It was something she hadn't felt in a long time. Not since…her accident in April. Then the argument with her father has worsened it.
"Is that better?" he asked.
"Yes," said Narcissa, hoping she didn't sound like moaning.
While Lucius continued to gently wipe her forehead, Narcissa studied him for a minute. His handsome features were highlighted by the fire in the dark common room. The usual arrogant expression was replaced by rare tenderness and concern.
She didn't understand it at all. He wasn't his normal irritating, obnoxious self. What had changed in him? Can a person really change so much over the summer?
"I…I never got to thank you…for helping me back in April. My accident when I fell down the stairs. I never thanked you for taking me to the hospital. So, thank you."
"You're welcome," said Lucius softly, "but it was because of me that you ended up falling down the stairs."
"I know that," Narcissa said, "but I assumed it was an accident."
Lucius smiled at her.
After he was done he put the bowl and the washcloth away. Narcissa sat up on the couch, her head much better, but she still didn't have much of an appetite.
"I don't want to keep you from the feast," she said.
"Are you going back down?" Lucius asked.
"No," Narcissa said quickly, "I'll…I'm going to bed."
"Goodnight then," said Lucius and he walked out the portrait door.
"Goodnight," whispered Narcissa.
Saturday, November 29, 1972
The courtyard
It was late, but Narcissa just wasn't tired. She felt agitated and she didn't know why. There were no exams or big projects ahead of her. She would be spending Christmas at Hogwarts with some of her friends instead of her family, so why was she walking alone outside on a freezing winter night?
She hugged her cloak tighter around her shoulders and walked down the open air hallways of the courtyard. The moon was bright and its light illuminated the falling snow making the scene almost enchanted, almost unreal.
The silence that night was so calming. Amidst all the comings and goings of students, loudness during mealtimes, and the never ending orders from teachers, prefects, and the Head Boy and Girl, saying "Stop, don't go there, get over here, and detention!"
Narcissa closed her eyes. She felt the snow lightly land on her face and she breathed in the cold air. Her world of dance began to open up again, only now she didn't have to imagine the setting. She was standing right there. In a beautiful snow filled courtyard with the moon as her light. Even in the deafening snow, she could hear the music. It was her heartbeat, in the memories of laughing with her friends earlier that day, in the anticipation of being able to stay at Hogwarts and not go back home; her music was in her soul that longed to be freed from the world.
She opened her eyes and much to her surprise she realized that she wasn't alone.
"Lucius," she said softly when she saw him sitting in the open window, "What are you doing here?"
"Well," he smiled, "I'm supposed to be patrolling the halls making sure all the children are in bed, but seeing as one, you're not a child (Narcissa giggled), and two, you looked so enchanting in this lovely natural setting, I didn't have the heart to ruin it."
"Well, thank you," said Narcissa as she walked back into the hallways.
"What are you doing up?" Lucius asked.
"I wasn't tired, my mind was spinning, and it just was so calm and heavenly out here, that I thought maybe a walk would help."
"Did it?"
"Yes," Narcissa said.
After a second Lucius asked, "Did you remember what happened on this very day last year?"
Narcissa tried to remember, but she actually couldn't think of anything important.
"No," she said finally, "What happened?"
"This was the day I tried to kiss you and you ran away."
Suddenly memories from that awful weekend came flooding back to her and that's not exactly how it went.
"Hold on," she said, "If I remember, you were trying to get me to kiss you."
They both laughed.
"All right," said Lucius, "Maybe it did happen that way, but I guess if you don't remember, it must mean that you've finally forgiven me."
"It means nothing," Narcissa said, "but you kept your distance afterwards and that was enough."
"Well, then can I ask why you were so afraid?"
That was a question that Narcissa had never been able to figure out. Why had she been so afraid? Did she think that Lucius was playing around with her or that she would be bad at it or that some student or teacher would see them?
"I really don't know," she said, "I was young and nervous and I guess I wasn't ready."
"Ready for what?" asked Lucius
"To… to kiss you," she whispered.
"Are you ready now?" He said coming closer
Narcissa could feel her heat beating rapidly. She knew that if she backed out again, Lucius would leave her with her dignity this time, and now after he had been so kind to her, after her anger had finally abated, was she ready?
She didn't answer him, but instead she placed her hand on Lucius' shoulder and slowly he bent down and pressed his lips to hers. Warmth, indescribable warmth flooded her whole body. Lucius began to deepen the kiss. He pressed Narcissa gently against the wall and she wrapped her arms around his neck. Her hands and fingers were freezing but he didn't seem to mind.
Lucius broke the kiss, but softly kissed her cheek while he reached up and untied her cloak from around her shoulders. Narcissa didn't care, they could make love right in that hallway and she wouldn't care. She knew that what she felt wasn't love, but it was satisfaction knowing that something finally turned out right.
He pulled her small body into his arms, the warmth of his cloak and his own body, covered hers. They resumed their kiss, deeper and more passionate. Were all first kisses like this? Or was it just kissing Lucius in general?
How long had it been? A few seconds or minutes? Everything was going by so fast and yet so slow at the same time.
Finally, after what seemed an eternity, they broke apart, but Narcissa remained in Lucius' strong and warm arms. She could hear his heart beating rapidly in time to her breathing.
"Is this what kissing with you always like this?" she asked quietly.
Lucius laughed and held her closely, "I suppose so," he said.
"Are you going to tell the whole school this time?" she asked.
"Actually," he said pulling away from her and looked into her lovely eyes, "I only told one person and then that person told another person, and that person,"
"Told another person," they both said together and then laughed.
"We better get back to the common room," he said taking her small hand
They both walked together in silence, but it was a peaceful silence. Narcissa had no idea if this meant they were in a relationship, or if this was one of Lucius' week-long flings. And yet, when Lucius kissed her goodnight and she headed upstairs to bed, she had a feeling that she wasn't love, but it was close enough to it.
Sunday, November 30, 1972
Slytherin common room; 6th years girl's dormitory
When Narcissa woke up the next morning, memories from last night began to replay in her mind. The moonlight shining down on Lucius, illuminating his brilliant blue eyes, his strong arms wrapped around her, the sweet taste of his mouth, the rare feeling of safety of comfort that had seemed almost impossible for her to comprehend.
I'm acting like a lovesick fool.
Was she really in love with him? She had never really known love. With the exception of Sirius, she had never had anyone stand up for her, but she had never had anyone show any general interest in her, tell her that they loved her, so how was she to know what love felt like?
Was love waiting in anxious desire for someone? Or soft kisses in private? Or promising to never leave?
And anyway, in spite of how charming and gentile Lucius was last night, who was to say that this was going to be serious? Lucius had a notorious reputation for being a player, and yet that didn't seem to bother any of the girls there.
Narcissa ran her fingers through her hair, thinking about the many questions that lay before her. If everything in her life had seemed complicated before, it just got much more complex with Lucius. She had never expected him to be in her life, never wanted him in her life, and yet he was always there on the edges of her mind.
After the disaster that had happened last year and the anger she had fed for so long he hadn't given up on her. Sure, he was being an uncaring jerk, but weren't most sixteen year old boys? Then again he had never physically hurt her, he had kept his distance from her, and he had apologized. She didn't believe him because no one had ever apologized for their unkind actions toward her.
There it was. Narcissa had kept distant from people because she was so use to people hurting her and not offering an apology afterwards. She had always expected to have people hurt her and simply to pick herself up and carry on.
Lucius had hurt her, but he said he was sorry and after she told him off, he had stayed away. After the summer holiday, he had shown a definite change in character. Maybe she should believe him, maybe she could try to understand love, but then Lucius was very prejudiced toward muggles and muggle-born witches and wizards.
How could he say he loved someone and then show constantly fed loyalty to something he had raised to believe that was right and acceptable his circle of society?
Narcissa herself was unsure about her own beliefs. She believed that if you're a witch or wizard you should be taught, but then it could also be dangerous for the wizarding community if more and more muggles found out, and muggles had been just as prejudiced towards wizards for many years.
I don't know.
I'm more confused than ever.
Room of Requirement - dance studio
When Narcissa had found the room of requirement, it had been nothing short of a miracle for her. Being a school that taught only witchcraft and wizardry, it would seem ridiculous that Hogwarts would offer dance. Narcissa bought books on ballet and practiced when she could in her room or in the empty class room, but it wasn't the same as being in a ballet studio.
When she was thirteen she had been dancing in the empty Charms classroom when some of the older students saw her and started teasing her about it. So embarrassed, she grabbed her bag and dance book and ran out. She was walking down the corridors, wishing more than anything that she had her own private place to practice when suddenly doors appeared on the wall. They looked similar to the front doors of the dance school she use to attend when she was a child.
No one else seemed to notice them and Narcissa's curiosity was aroused. She opened the doors and walked right into a room filled wall to wall with mirrors, exercise bars, and an old radio that played her favorite dance pieces. It almost seemed too good to be true.
After that, all that Narcissa needed to bring was her books, ballet shoes, and exercise outfit. She went for an hour every Saturday and Sunday morning. Sometimes if she had time, she would practice at night.
That morning she was more thankful than ever for her studio. She tied on her practice ballet shoes and flicked her wand toward the old radio. The warm up music began to play. She placed her leg on the bar and began to stretch. She held her arms out and held them in perfect precision.
Up, down, back and forth.
Almost like life in many ways.
She could see everything she was doing when surrounded by mirrors on all sides. The posture in her back was absolutely straight. Her toes were pointed perfectly. After warm up, her favorite musical pieces began to play. She had seen them all performed live on stage by the best dancers in the wizarding world. She knew every step, every motion, every leap, spin and twirl. Sometimes she would add her own bit to the dances.
When she was there in the room of requirement dancing, her mind was clear and her soul was free. She was the Narcissa she wanted to be, the Narcissa she should be. As she spun around the floor, she would catch a reflection of herself in the mirror. She was flushed and smiling, and happy. She made the rules and no one could change them.
When the music stopped, Narcissa sat down on the bench and wiped her face. She was completely out of breath; she had danced non-stop for almost thirty minutes. It was good though. It helped her get her mind off of Lucius, although she wanted to see him again. She was almost dreading going into the Great Hall for fear that someone might have seen the two of them last night and now the whole school knew.
Wait! Stop!
I'm in here so I don't have to think about any of this!
She threw her towel down, flicked her wand back to the radio and the music started up again.
Clear your mind. You are whoever you want to be in here.
No one can harm you or tell you what to do.
As the music grew faster, Narcissa almost had the feeling she was flying across the room.
No fear, no pain, no agony.
When the finale came, there were no cheers or clapping, but that didn't matter to Narcissa. Not now at least.
The Great Hall - breakfast
After Narcissa showered and changed in her room, she went down to the Great Hall; bracing herself for whispers and stares when she walked in. All that greeted her was the usual talking of the students, no stares, no laughing, no whispers.
Narcissa breathed a sigh of relief. She looked around for Lucius, but he couldn't be seen anywhere. Then again, he always slept in on the weekends. She sat down at the table and took a piece of toast off the tray.
"Morning, Cissy," said Tina Parkinson who was sitting across from her, "What happened last night?"
Narcissa's heart almost stopped beating.
Was there a double meaning in the question?
Did Tina see them? Would she say anything?
Tina was one of her friends; she wouldn't betray her trust like that.
"What are you talking about?" Narcissa asked, with as much control as she could handle.
"Don't you remember?" asked Tina, "You said you didn't feel tired and so you were going to take a walk around the school. You were out for a long time and so I just went to bed, instead of waiting up for you. I was about to fall asleep when you came into the room, but I was too tired to ask you anything."
Narcissa let out a sigh of relief. At least inwardly she did.
"Oh that," she said, "I just went for a walk out in the courtyard, that's all. It was so beautiful last night."
"Oh ok," said Tina and went back to eating.
Narcissa got some eggs and toast and was talking to Tina about the upcoming plans for their Christmas holidays at Hogwarts, when she saw Sirius walk into the Great Hall. He seemed distraught about something.
"Sirius, what's wrong?" she asked when he walked by her table.
"Nothing," he snapped without even looking at her. He stalked over to his table, sat down next to James and started eating his breakfast.
"What was that all about?" asked Tina who seemed just as confused.
"I don't know," said Narcissa. She got up from the table and walked over to where Sirius was sitting.
"What's wrong? Why are you angry?" she asked, trying not to sound like she was patronizing him.
For a second there was silence between the two of them and then Sirius threw down his food and stood up. Narcissa couldn't believe that they were the same height.
"Don't think that I didn't see you with him last night," he said, his dark eyes piercing into her blue ones.
Narcissa felt dread fill her entire body. Her worst fears had been confirmed and someone she loved dearly felt betrayed.
"Sirius," she said, "he has changed so much-"
"To you maybe," he said getting louder.
"You keep your voice down," she hissed at him.
"I don't have time for this," Sirius said, "So go, run off with Lucius. I can't believe you could be so blind."
"Lucius?" said Alice, "What are you talking about. She hates Lucius."
"She didn't seem to last night, when she was banged up against the wall with him," Sirius said loudly.
Suddenly the whole Hall went quiet. Narcissa's dread went to terror. Sirius, her own cousin, whom she had come to love like a brother, was purposely and publicly humiliating her. The same boy who stood up for her last year was now hurting her.
"Sirius, stop," Lily said, "It's none of your concern who she's with."
"And how would a muggleborn like you know the concerns of a pureblood family?" he snapped.
Lily just stared at him; her eyes began to look glazy. Narcissa couldn't believe what she was hearing.
"That's unfair!" said James getting up from the table and facing him, "You take that back!"
"I won't have you tell me what to do, James Potter!" Sirius said pushing him back down.
James, who was taller than Sirius, pushed him arm out of the way and backhanded him in the face. The whole Hall was suddenly talking loudly. Narcissa had to stop this.
Sirius was about to lunge at James, but Narcissa pushed him to the ground. He fell, hitting his head on the stone floor.
"Stop it!" she yelled, "Both of you!"
At that moment, Professor McGonagall came sweeping in with her emerald colored robes. The Hall went silent again. Sirius was holding the back of his head. Narcissa could tell he was trying not to cry.
"What is going on here?" McGonagall said in a chilling tone.
"Sirius and I…have…gotten into a fight," Narcissa said quickly, "and James tried to intervene…and it turned into a fight between the two of them."
"I can't believe that," McGonagall said, "Potter and Sirius in a fight?"
"James couldn't mind his own business," Sirius said getting up.
"Well, maybe you should learn to treat your cousin and the other girls here with more respect," James said darkly.
"The both of you come with me," McGonagall said, "As well as you Miss Black."
James got up from the table and kept a good distance from Sirius who was on the other side of McGonagall.
Narcissa looked over at the Lily, who was crying, and Alice who had her arm wrapped around her. She walked out of the hallway behind McGonagall, Sirius, and James. She could hear the whispers, feel the stares, and imagined the dread that was coming.
Professor McGonagall's office
McGonagall's office was almost like her; uncluttered, straight, orderly, with no fuss at all. When they walked in, she waved her wand and immediately three chairs zoomed in front of her large oak desk.
"Sit down," she said.
James and Sirius sat in the two end chairs, leaving Narcissa for the middle one. When McGonagall sat down she eyed all three of them for a second.
"Now," she said, "Will you, Miss Black, tell me what's going on?"
For a moment she felt she couldn't talk. How was she going to explain to a professor that she had been up late at night, kissing Lucius Malfoy, who everyone knew she had despised for such a long time? It didn't help that she had two twelve year old boys in the same room sitting on either side of her.
She took a deep breath and started, "Last night I couldn't relax and so I decided to take a walk around the school. I ran into Lucius Malfoy and supposedly Sirius saw us both together and got angry."
"Why would you be angry at seeing your cousin with him, Mr. Black?"
"It was how I saw them together," Sirius answered.
"What?"
"I saw them…kissing against the wall!" he practically shouted at her.
"Mr. Black-"McGonagall started.
"I can't believe that after all he did to Narcissa last year and she goes and monkeys up on the idiot!"
"Mr. Black!" McGonagall shouted, "You will remember you're talking to!"
Sirius quieted down, but he was still glaring at her.
"Now, Mr. Potter, how did you get involved?"
"Lily tried to stand up for Narcissa and Sirius insulted her. He pushed me down and I backhanded him. Then he was about to lunge at me when Narcissa pushed him down."
"Is this true?" McGonagall asked Narcissa and Sirius.
Narcissa nodded and Sirius answered yes in a dark tone.
"Well, you know that I will never, never condone fighting. So for that, Black and Potter, you will both have detention with me all week. Understood?"
"Yes, Ma'am," they both said.
"Now, both of you leave and wait outside my office. I don't want any talking between the two of you. Miss Black, I want you to stay."
James and Sirius both got up silently and left. When James closed the door (more like slammed it), McGonagall's expression changed from strict to softness. She got up from behind her desk and sat down where James had been.
Narcissa could feel the tears streaming down her face. Her whole body was shaking and she felt like her head was about to split.
"Tell me what's wrong," McGonagall said.
For moment she couldn't speak and then everything came out like river rushing out of a dam.
"Everything is wrong," she said, "with me, my family, my future. I have everyone planning my life, except me! It doesn't matter what I want to do, who I want to be, who a want to be with, someone in my life finds fault with it!"
She bent her head down and ran her fingers through her hair, "My father…my father wants nothing to do with me. He has never wanted anything to do with me, but when I voice my plans on becoming a teacher, he beats me in the face!
My older sister, Bellatrix, takes up all the attention in my family and if she can't be the center of the universe, if someone dares to steal the limelight, then they are going to pay!
Andromeda is so distant from us; father doesn't even want her around the family. She is the only person who has ever seemed to give damn about me and yet…she now…she's leaving me alone!"
She stopped to steady her breathing.
"My mother…for so long I hated her. I thought she never wanted me. Then I realize she is the way she is because my father…he beats her! I've seen him do it! He treats her like he treats our houselves! My mother is so afraid him, so afraid of doing something wrong, saying something wrong!
Oh my God, I hate him so much! What I have had to do to keep my hand from going to my wand when I see him! I HATE HIM!"
McGonagall didn't say anything. She just looked at her waiting for her to finish.
"And as if my world couldn't get any more complicated, I was stupid enough to let Lucius Malfoy in my life. Sirius was right, how could I have been such a fool to give in to him. Now, my relationship with my cousin who has been like a brother to me is almost destroyed, and he and his best are fighting…and I have no idea what to do about any of it."
Narcissa finally stopped. She lay back in her chair and breathed in deeply. She wiped away the remaining tears that fell.
"I'm sorry, Professor," she said, "That's probably more than you wanted to know."
"Narcissa," McGonagall said, "I have learned more about you in the last minute that in the six years you have been at this school. Why have you not told anyone?"
"Who was there to tell?" she said, "I have no close friends, no one. The closest thing I had was Sirius and looked what happened."
"I am so sorry," McGonagall said, "You could have come to me. About your father, your career plans – wait; is this what you were trying to talk to me about in October?"
Narcissa nodded.
McGonagall took her hand and held in tightly, "My dear," she said quietly.
After a second she asked, "You want to become a teacher?"
"I did," Narcissa said, "Now, I'm not so sure. I'm caught between teaching and fulfilling my childhood dreams of dance and ballet."
"You can do both," McGonagall said.
Narcissa looked at her in confusion.
"Become a dance teacher," she said, "You are so gifted and children would love you. Think about it."
She nodded. It was an intriguing idea. She wondered why she never thought of it before.
"As for your family," McGonagall said, "I can't really do anything about your father."
"He would just deny it anyway," Narcissa said, "He has several good ways of having people agree with him."
"Why don't you go back upstairs and lay down for a while. Clear you mind and rest," said McGonagall as she helped her up from her chair. She placed her arm around the younger girl and led her to the door, "Everything will be fine," she said.
She opened the door and let Narcissa out. Sirius and James had actually done what they were told to do for once and were sitting across from one another, not looking at each and not talking. She caught a look at Sirius before she left. His face was as cold and as dark as her fathers. She felt like her heart was breaking.
As Narcissa made her way up to the Slytherin common room she didn't bother to wipe the tears that fell. People saw her and began to whisper. She could feel their stares once more. She didn't care. So what if they saw her crying, so what if they knew that she was falling apart.
She finally made it to the portrait of the god-awful snake that had scared her when she saw it for the first time.
"Passsword," it slithered.
"Medici," she said softly.
The door swung open and she walked inside. To no surprise, she saw Lucius and some of his friends on the couch talking.
"Narcissa," he said when he saw her. He got up from the couch and ran over to her.
"Lucius don't," she said as she continued walking.
"Wait," said Lucius as he took her arm.
"What's wrong?" he asked, "Why are you crying?" He gently took her face in his hands and wiped away her tears.
"Lucius," she said, "We can't…not now. My cousin saw us last night and now he's furious at me-"
"Wait a minute," he said, "We can't be together because of what you twelve year cousin thinks?"
"He has been there for me when no one else has. I care about him deeply."
"Care for him so much, that it has to be up to him to decide who you else you should care for?"
"Please, I don't want to talk about this right now," she said as she ran up to her room.
When she got up there she sat down on her bed and covered her face with her hands.
How? How could this all have happened?
Everything has gone from bad to worse!
She took off the necklace that Sirius had given her. A heart full of love blossoms like a flower in the sun.
It wasn't true. Her heart was empty and broken. The sun was gone and she was wilting.
Slytherin common room; 6th years girl's dormitory
Narcissa woke up to find her room almost dark. She checked her watch and saw that it said 5:23. Good god, how could she have slept that long! She got out of bed and walked over to the window. The evening sky was beginning to darken. The snow glistened in the last rays of light. Narcissa could see students coming back from Hogsmeade. She saw younger children in the courtyard making snow angels and snowmen.
She remembered when she used to do that with Andromeda. She remembered a lot of things about being a child.
Mother brushing her long hair so gently.
Andromeda teaching her how to read.
Playing with their dogs until nightfall.
Spending hours in her tree-house playing dolls and reading books about faraway lands.
Remembering the joy and ecstasy of being onstage in front of people.
What happened? Her family life had never been easy, but there were moments especially with her mother that she kept close to her heart. She remembered when she was four and spinning around in her new ballet costume. It was blue and purple with little sequins all over.
"Cissy, aren't you sweet in that? You'll be the prettiest little girl on stage."
Her mother had said that. How she treasured those precious words in her heart.
She remembered when Sirius was brought home from the hospital. She was almost five. He had been tiny with thick black hair and large dark eyes. She remembered begging Aunt Alberga to hold him.
"Be careful. He's very fragile. You like the new baby?"
Narcissa remembered saying yes. Surprisingly enough, Sirius didn't cry when she held him. She remembered what a warm bundle of cuteness he was. She loved stroking his hair and being allowed to feed him.
Now what had happened? Sirius had grown up. She had grown up. Life became unpredictable and hard.
Narcissa pulled her jumper on and zipped it up. Why was it always so cold in her room? She was in debate on whether or not she should go down to the Great Hall and get something to eat. She was starving; so she may as well get a small plateful.
When she got down to the common room, there were other students there, but thankfully they didn't seem to notice her. She walked out of the portrait hole and made her way down to the Great Hall.
The Great Hall
Food could sometimes be so dissatisfying. Narcissa felt like she couldn't taste anything. She needed to eat; she hadn't had anything all day. While she was pondering her thoughts, Remus Lupin sat down next to her.
"Hello," he said.
"Oh, hello," she replied.
She had always liked him. Normally a rather serious child, with a no nonsense attitude toward life, and yet there was an incredible kindness and affectionate charm to him. He always seemed so sickly, though. He was hopelessly skinny with light brown hair and deep brown eyes that seemed very tired, like he hadn't gotten a lot of sleep in the last several days.
"How are you doing?" he asked, his soft husky voice felt so relieving and calming.
"I'm all right," she said, she knew she was lying, "How is Sirius and…"
"James?" he answered, "They're fine. They're talking to one another again. I have never seen anyone with a beastlier temper than Sirius though."
"It's a family trait," Narcissa said, "I'm glad things are better between the two of them."
"Yeah, James is really good at smoothing things over with people. He was first to say sorry, but he also said that Sirius' anger could have done a lot of damage today. And surprisingly enough, Sirius agreed with him. After that, Sirius just kind of…broke down and told us about his life and his family. It's really not that good. I don't want to gossip, but you probably know better than the rest of us."
"That's good," said Narcissa, "That Sirius is talking to somebody at least. He's been through a lot and so have I. That's probably why we've been so close in the last couple of years, because we understood one another."
"He's really good at hiding what he feels," said Remus, "Although…I'm not really one to talk."
"You don't like letting people know how you feel?"
"It's something like that," he said, "Well, I have to go, but I thought I would tell you about Sirius and that he's doing all right."
"Thank you," said Narcissa, "It means a lot to me. Oh, what about Lily? Did he get that taken care of?"
Remus smiled, "Yeah that was the first thing he did when he saw her. He said he was sorry and that his anger usually gets the best of him. She said she had already forgiven him."
"I wish there were more people like that," Narcissa said.
"I think there are," Remus said, getting up from the table, "You just have to know where to look." He said goodbye and walked out of the hall.
Narcissa went back to eating. She needed to talk to her cousin and get things straightened out. She was happy that he and James were back on good terms with one another.
"Narcissa," came Lucius' voice from behind.
He sat down next to her, and leaned over so she could look at him.
"Can we please talk now? I've gotten about fifty different versions of what happened between you and your cousin today."
"And they're probably all true," Narcissa said stiffly without even looking at him.
"What is wrong? Why are so scared of what everybody thinks?"
"Lucius," she said starring straight at him, "I have lived my entire life trying to do what is right in the eyes of other people. That is all I have known. I'm told what to do and I do it. The one time I make my own decision to do what I want to do, disaster follows. I don't know how to decide for myself! I never know who I might hurt!"
She turned her face away from him so he didn't see the tears that were threatening to fall.
"You can't live your life like that," Lucius said, "look at me."
Narcissa turned to face him.
"You can't live to please everyone. Your cousin hates me, and that's understandable. I've made some mistakes, yes, and I'm sorry for them. If he can't accept that, then he's at fault. I know you care about him and he cares about you, but Narcissa for once…for once do something that is going to make you happy."
"I don't know what happiness is," she said, getting up from the table and walking out of the Hall.
"Narcissa, please," said Lucius as he followed her.
She started walking back to the common room, but didn't get far when she started to feel dizzy. Her head ached terribly and she was beginning to shiver all over; like ice cold water had poured all over her. Everything around her began to move slowly and became hazy. Sounds became distant. She felt someone take her arms.
"Narcissa," she heard Lucius say.
Then everything went dark.
The hospital ward
"What else can happen to this girl?"
"A lot of it might stem from problems at home. I've talked to Andromeda about it and she says her father is a huge problem."
"All men in the Black family are the same. They abuse their wives and daughters terribly and then wonder why they have no respect for them. They're barbaric, every single one of them."
"Narcissa told me today that her father hit her when she told him she wanted to become a teacher.
"What!"
"I can't believe it!"
"Something needs to be done about this or she is going to have a break down that might cost her her life."
Narcissa could hear the voices of Professor McGonagall, Madam Pomfrey, and Professor Slughorn all talking. She tried to open her eyes, but they were so heavy. She was freezing cold, but she also felt sweaty, almost on fire. She pulled the blankets colder around her. Her back felt stiff and so did her neck. Her legs and arms felt like lead.
What was wrong?
"How is she?" came the calm voice of Professor Dumbledore
"Oh Albus," said Professor McGonagall, "I don't know how much more this poor child can take. First the fight with her cousin this morning, her break down in my office, oh, the things she told me, I have no idea how she is still sane."
Narcissa felt a cool hand on her forehead.
"My goodness, she is warm," said Dumbledore.
"I'm afraid she may have meningitis," said Madam Pomfrey, "Which is very rare in the wintertime. I gave her some medicine, but she has obviously had this for a while and never even knew."
"What's all this I hear with Lucius Malfoy?" asked Dumbledore, "I've been hearing his name being tossed around a lot today."
"Supposedly, Sirius, Narcissa's cousin, saw her and Lucius Malfoy kissing last night and he just went off the edge today," said McGonagall, "Although, this is the second time that Lucius has brought her into the hospital wing. I have no idea if he's coming or going with this girl."
"Well, let's let her sleep," said Dumbledore, "and we can talk some more about this in my office."
The lights went off and Narcissa immediately fell asleep.
Monday, December 1, 1972
The hospital ward
"Narcissa wait!"…"How could you do this?"…I'm so sorry about all of this."…"Are you ready now?"…"I hate my father!"…"When will I ever choose what I want for my life?"
Memories or dreams swirled around in Narcissa's head all night. They seemed so real and were so repetitive. Nothing changed in them; they just got louder and clearer in her mind. She tossed and turned all night. She didn't know if she was awake or asleep, and she felt hot and cold at the same time.
That was what misery was. Not knowing what was real and what wasn't. How she wished she had some good thought to dwell upon. A precious memory to cling to in her time of need, but she had nothing. She was as empty and as lifeless as a dementor. That's what she felt like. Like a dementor had sucked out her soul in one day.
There was no one in her life she particularly wanted in there with her. She hated being alone though. The night and the darkness seemed never-ending. She waited and longed for the morning time.
Finally she began to see a little bit of light coming in through the window. She pulled the blankets off of her, the cold hitting her like a block of ice, but she was so hot, it actually felt good. Slowly she walked over to the window.
The most beautiful sunrise was there to greet her. Its heavenly gold rays reached out across the lake and made the snow glisten and shine. The day was going to be sunny and bright. It wasn't snowing, so it would be calm and still as well.
She stood there at the window, utterly breathless at the sight.
"It seems like I'm not the only one that enjoys a good sunrise."
Narcissa turned around and saw Professor Dumbledore walking toward her. In his hands he was carrying a soft looking blanket.
"It is lovely," he said standing next to Narcissa, "The last several days have been rather…gloomy, shall I say. I mean that literally as well as figuratively."
Narcissa knew what he was getting on at.
"How are you feeling?" he asked.
"Better," she said, surprised at how soft her voice was. It was quite hard to talk.
"You've had a rather rough day yesterday," he went on.
Narcissa nodded.
"Come," he said, putting his arm around her, "This site is lovely, but you should be in bed."
He led her back to her bed and wrapped the soft blanket around her shoulders. It felt wonderful and so cozy and she felt like she could drift back to sleep, but Dumbledore sat on the edge of her bed.
"I've heard you've had a rather hard time in the last several weeks," he said.
Narcissa nodded.
"It's…I just seem so lost," she said, "People say that I can't love. That I only care about myself. It's not true professor. I want to love, but what is it?"
"What are you talking about?" asked Professor Dumbledore in confusion.
"I really don't know what love is. What it's like to be loved," she confessed as tears began to trail down her face.
"Oh, Narcissa, love is many things," said Dumbledore, "I see love in you all the time. When you're with the first years, when you're laughing with your friends, or helping the teachers. That is love Narcissa. Not some ridiculous romantic feelings you get when a boy looks at you. Rather, a giving of yourself whole heartily without any expectations of receiving anything in return."
He reached out gently wiped away the tears from her eyes, "You're not unlovable, Narcissa. There's a whole world of love around you."
Narcissa nodded and tried to get control of herself. Dumbledore's simple words had been like a healing balm for her. She was glad that he was able to come down so early in the morning and talk to her. She began to feel tired again.
"Maybe you should try and get some sleep," Dumbledore said.
She lay back down in bed and pulled the soft blanket over her shoulders. She closed her eyes and finally peace came.
End of Part Two
Next:
Wasn't this the moment she had been waiting for? The moment she had been dreaming of? Why was she so scared?