When the hell is this shift gonna end? I look at my watch, 2:15 in the morning. Why did I sign up for the damn graveyard shift? I could be in bed sleeping like a normal person, but no. "Oh yeah, I little extra cash might come in handy" I thought. Pht! It's not like it's THAT much of a raise, now I can eat at McDonalds every weekend. I feel soooo damn fulfilled. By the time Sandra get's in I'm gonna tell her that I don't want this shift anymore, straight up, no bargaining. A good night's sleep is not worth 25 bucks.
The entrance bell rings.
Oh shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Sandra's come to check on me! Tommy wasn't kidding! I rub my eyes and try to look awake.
"Hey Sandra!" I say standing up, looking as presentable as I can manage. But the person who comes through the door isn't Sandra.
A customer? Who the hell would waltz into a 7-11 at this time?
A man in a formal black suit, grey hair, and bright green eyes walks in. I recognize him from the newspaper. Yeah, that's the Metro City Prison warden. What would he want from here?
"This establishment functions for 24 hour periods, yes?" asks the warden.
"Yeah" I respond.
The warden gives me a courtly nod and starts walking from aisle to aisle.
That guy's eyes are really freaky looking, they don't fit his face. They're so bright, nearly neon. What's this guy on? I'm sure working with crime hardened inmates can be a stressful job, but I didn't think he liked to party like that.
I glance over at the newspaper rack: The Metroman museum is almost finished with construction, Megamind's escaped from prison again, Metro City Prison increases security…the usual.
"Pardon me," said the warden who was now nearing toward the checkout counter.
"You find what you need?" I ask, trying to usher him out so I can take my nap.
"Actually, no. Would you happen to sell keys?"
"Keys? You want one cut? A copy?"
"No, no, nothing like that," says the warden, shaking his head.
He pulls out a diary and places it on the counter.
"I need a key to open this," he says, gesturing to the lock on the diary.
Pretty Princess Diary? Warden you must have some pretty wild parties.
"We don't sell the keys individually. You'll have to buy another one. They're on aisle 2, by the soda rack," I tell him.
The warden's eyes sparkle up in an instant. He nearly sprints to the soda rack. Slow down or you'll hurt yourself old man!
The warden returns in less than a second and thrusts a 100 dollar bill in my face.
"That's enough to cover the cost, right?" he asked like a kid hyped up on marshmallows.
He even knocks his arm on the gum rack and bangs his watch, which is kind of Rolex looking, on the side of the counter. Then he starts to look funny, like a camera zooming in and out of focus.
Hmmm….that's weird….
I rub my eyes but the warden still looks out of focus.
"Uh, yeah. But we don't accept any bills above 50. Store policy."
The sparkle in the warden's eyes disappears. He looks like someone just told him his mom died. God, I think he's gonna cry. What is this guy, bipolar?
"Store policy, I see".
The warden leaves the Pretty Princes Diary on the checkout counter and trudges towards the exit, as if he's lost some great battle. Then his watch starts to go bezerk, lighting up like a Christmas tree gone haywire. Then the warden goes fuzzy again, but now, instead of the warden, it's the notorious, bigheaded super villain walking towards the exit.
"Megamind?" I ask incredulously. I regret it the second I do.
He turns back and looks at me, then glances at his watch.
"You unreliable, poor excuse for a prototype!" he hollers.
"Take what you like!" I open the cash register in a hurry and grab all the cash I see, "Here, take it! Take it all! Just don't hurt me!"
I throw the money at him, but he looks surprised, and maybe even a little dazed. Then he smiles with that evil smile of his and pulls out his weird looking gun.
"Ah ha! Yes, this is a hold up! You see, I used a disguise to gain entrance into this pitiful excuse for a business establishment, and then I pretended to buy the Pretty Princess Diary to throw you off my true intent. You thought I was just some ordinary customer, didn't you? I gave a pretty convincing act if I do say so myself, but it was all part of the grand trick!" Megamind held his head triumphantly and let out one of his signature evil laughs.
Damn, this guy's full of himself.
Megamind aims his gun at me.
"Put your hands in the air!" he commands gleefully.
I obey.
"Now…jump up and down while singing Yankee Doodle had a Farm."
"What?"
"You heard me."
Is this guy for real? Sadistic bastard.
But I don't really want to get shot in the face, so I sing.
"Okay good. Now, close your eyes and count to 135. And if I see you hinting at the slightest peak, you shall pay dearly mindless attendant: Boob."
"It's pronounced Bob…" I protest, pointing out that my name tag only has 1 O not 2, but he gives me an angry glare that shuts me up.
"Toh-ma-toe, toh-ma-toe. Now you stay here," he says, "and I'm going to go get a few things."
I hear him scurrying off and then I hear some clanking coming from the shelves, and then the refrigerator opening. I count quietly to myself, "One, two, three, four, five…"
"Count louder, I want to hear you!" he proclaims from across the store, probably by the ICEE machine.
"SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN!"
"Hey, hey, no need to shout. You'll wake all of Metrocity!"
"It's pronounced Metro City," I mumble. Luckily for me, he didn't hear.
"…hundred and thirty three, hundred and thirty four, hundred and thirty five! Hey man, I'm done."
Silence, not even a scurry.
"Megamind?" I ask once more.
Hmm, must have left. Guess it would do no harm to have a peak, just a peak…
"BOO!" he shouts. He's right in front of me. Thank god I didn't open them.
"Okay , so how much will it be then… oh wait. What is that you say? Nothing? Why thank you! How generous of you, Boob. Well this is, after all, a stand up. This is how things usually go, yes?"
"That's right," I respond.
"It was rhetorical, Boob. You're interrupting my eeevil monologue. That's quite rude."
"I'm sorry," I say.
What's he gonna do to me?
I hear a click, then a weird humming sound. I hope it's not that weird gun of his.
"Have you ever been dehydrated, Boob?" he asks.
I don't answer. This guy clearly doesn't like the sound of my voice.
"It's not a rhetoric," he say annoyed.
"You mean like really thirsty?" I ask, trying to keep my voice from quivering.
"No, I mean like having all the moisture sucked from your entire being, leaving you nothing more than a dry, blue cube. You simpleton!"
"No sir, I haven't ."
"Well, if you go to the police or do so much as tell anyone about my little visitation, I will personally make sure you do. Then, I'll throw you in a desert."
"I won't tell anyone, I swear."
I listen for a response, but I get none.
"Megamind? Mr? Can I open my eyes now?"
After a few minutes of unbearable silence, I can't take it any longer. I open my eyes, expecting to see the store ransacked, but find myself oddly mistaken. I scour the store for anything missing, but everything seems to be in place.
Well that was weird.
I hear the entrance bell ring, it's Sandra.
"Shifts over Bob, "she says. Then she looks at the floor.
"Bob, why is there money on the floor?"
Shit. Believable excuse, believable excuse…
"I sneezed," I say.
"You sneezed?"
"Yes. I opened the cash register to give uh, a customer his change and I uh, sneezed."
"Huh, must have been one helluva sneeze then."
"Whew, you have no idea."
I look over at the empty checkout counter. Wait a minute, wasn't the diary…oh never mind.
BACK AT EVIL LIAR
"You held up a 7-11? Really sir? I never thought you could stoop so low."
"It's not like I'm particularly proud of it," Megamind says, "I feel horrible, petty theft is quite degrading."
Megamind nods his head with a faux frown and sarcastic self-pity. The evil mastermind gulps down a handful of popcorn, straight from the bag.
"Where did you get that?" Minion asks, looking concerned.
"From the 7-11, obviously. Mindless attendant Boob said I could take what I wish, but after I scanned the premises, I found that everything they sell is of absolutely no use to me. But I was quite in the mood for a late snack, and I believed a bag of pop-ed corn would suffice."
Minion sighed. The "I'm-disappointed-in-you-but-I'm not-going-to say-it-because-it's-more-painful-that-way" kind of sigh.
"What!?" Megamind says defensively, "It's just a little pop-ed corn, that's all. If it makes you feel any better, tomorrow I will make an anonymous donation to the 7-11 I held up."
Minion just shakes his head sadly and walks away.
"Oh, so now you walk away! You know this is all your fault, right? The only reason went to the 7-11 in the first place was to get a key to open Ms. Ritchi's diary, something you refused to help me do. I had every intent of paying for the key, but then my holowatch began to malfunction because SOMEONE hadn't tested well enough. Minion!" Megamind shouted, trying to get the attention of his friend who was again, walking away.
"Who needs him anyway? I got the key by myself and some pop-ed corn, all without his assistance. I can manage just fine," Megamind thought to himself, "He does know I'm eeevil, right? You know, as in the opposite of good. Well of course petty theft is sigh worthy, but it was all going towards my master plan to open the diary!"
Megamind looks at his desk where he placed Ms. Ritchi's diary and the key, side by side. It was a daunting sight. Megamind picked up the key and held it tightly in his hand, a look of contemplation on his face. Then he realized he had been holding his breath. He exhaled, distressed and shoved the key and the diary into one of his desk drawers.
"Tomorrow," the blue genius said quietly to himself, "I'll do it tomorrow."
But he didn't.
Not the day after that, or the day after that…