I don't claim anything, these are Stephanie Meyer's characters.
"Are you gonna be alright, son?" a voice came from behind me. I looked back and saw Uncle Carlisle walking through the lot.
I nodded my head.
"I'll just be a phone call away if you need anything"
Another stern nod.
"Okay then, the movers dropped everything off yesterday and everything was sorted so you should be set to go." He clapped a hand on my shoulder and left.
I walked up two flights of stairs avoiding the elevator and walked to my door on the third floor. There were two apartment lettings on each level and three apartment buildings in one block, side by side. I had yet to find out who I shared my level with. I grabbed the key out of my pocket and opened up. The apartment had two levels, the door opening straight to a large, spacious living room and a wall of large windows giving the room light and the illusion of more room, even though it was big enough as is, an open kitchen to the left and a small hallway to the right. Down the hallway was a study, one guest bedroom, a bathroom and another room which I had used for my music. Upstairs was the master bedroom with an on-suite, a room which I used as a small library, another guest room and another bathroom. The apartment was large and open and everything I needed.
It had been a long drive up and with nothing else to do until work started tomorrow I went to sleep.
The next morning I was really fucking hungry and with no food in the house I knew it was time to explore the neighborhood and buy some groceries. With no car I walked across Amsterdam Avenue, Columbus Avenue, Central Park and Fifth Avenue, Madison Avenue and Park Avenue and kept on walking. I stopped after a while and decided it was time to get food with my stomach now ravenous. I kept walking until I found a grocery store and bought enough food to last me the next few days until I got my routine sorted and found a job, and so the bags were light enough for me to carry home.
I went over to Carlisle's house after I had dropped off the food at my own. As I got near his home, which he shared with his wife Esme, I looked up and didn't see any cars in the driveway, which were supposed to be there. I texted him asking if he was home and leant against the iron poles on the gates of their home as I waited for an answer.
Carlisle and Esme's house was very grand. Three stories in a good neighborhood and a yard in front and out back which stretched on for acres. I vaguely remembered a pool in the back from when I had been younger and had been there once on vacation.
I got a reply and pressed the button for the gates to be let open. I walked up the long drive and opened the door which was left open as Carlisle was out back and Esme out shopping. I went through the house to go outside and onto the deck out back where I could see Carlisle with his gun.
"Edward" he said, and walked over to me clapped his hand on my back and gave me a half hug.
I smiled slightly. The look on my face said 'I'm okay' because I knew that's what he wanted to know.
"I was just about to shoot some targets, care to join me?" Hunting was one thing that he and I shared as a passion. Often, before it happened, he would come out to Forks and we would go hunting together in the wildlife of the Pacific North West.
I grinned. He got his spare rifle; we loaded up and shot all afternoon. Esme came home and we stopped for the day and went inside.
"Edward, how are you?" a soft voice came from inside the kitchen. Esme was a beautiful woman; she had shoulder length chestnut colored hair, hazel eyes and pale colored skin. She and Carlisle had been married for over 30 years which was always something I had admired about them. To marry at a young age and despite all odds stay together and lived their life happily, it was always something I had wanted.
I smiled. It said 'I'm okay'.
"That's good, dear. Would you like to stay for dinner?" I looked out the window in their kitchen and dark ominous clouds hung in the sky.
I shook my head. I had a long walk back and I didn't want to get caught in the rain.
"You're welcome here anytime, Edward. You know that. I'll see you later then." I kissed her cheek and left the house.
An ambulance drove down the street past me as I walked home and I imagined who it was carrying and what had happened to him. Did he break a bone in an attempt to impress someone? Or maybe he was dying of cardiac arrest? Was there any chance I knew him? Was there any chance I could help him? I completed my residency in Forks a few months ago and I had graduated early. Not partying through college, studying and spending my time with her. I didn't need anyone else. This move was an opportunity to start over and I would be forever grateful to Carlisle for helping get me here. The clouds opened up just as I was turning onto the corner of my street. I ran to my building. I climbed the 34 stairs up to my floor and found someone waiting outside my door.
"Uh, hi?" they said.
I cocked my eyebrow
"Do you live here?"
I nodded my head.
"My name is Jasper; I live on this floor with you." Jasper had honey colored blonde hair, crystal blue eyes and was a bit lanky. He had a slight southern twang to his words.
I smiled, moved forward and unlocked the door to my apartment and stepped inside,
I tilted my head, silently asking him if he wanted to come inside.
"Oh nah, I have to be somewhere, I just wanted to introduce myself."
I nodded and waved goodbye.
"Um, bye," he said, somewhat uncertainly.
I closed the door and mentally chastised myself. What the hell? I'd never been more stupid in my life. I just made it awkward with my neighbor. Shit, why did it have to follow me here? I went into the living room and stared out the windows. Right opposite my building was another apartment building, just the same. I looked to my next door neighbor, in the building across and the curtain twitched. Were they looking? Rain slammed into the window hard and fast so I couldn't see through it very clearly. I bypassed the food in the kitchen and went straight to my bedroom, pulling out my cellphone and replayed the first message again. I needed to remind myself what had brought me there. To New York. I shouldn't be happy. I shouldn't be making new friends. I should be with her. We should be together right now.
Message one. Wednesday, 9.37 A.M. Are you there? Hello? Edward? It's me. If you're there pick up. I just tried the home line but no one picked up. Listen, I'll be home earlier today, we're overstaffed and they don't need all of us here today. I'm on my way home now. I'll give you another call later I just thought I'd let you know and that I'm on my way.
There were four messages from her: one at 9.37, one at 09.48, one at 10.56 and one at 11.03. I listened to them, and listened to them again. I needed to remember my place. I needed to hurt like she did. I thought about her. I hit myself. I thought about her.
I got out of bed, went into the living room, sat on the couch and got out my cellphone. There was a text message from earlier before. I frowned it was well past time to go to sleep but I replied anyway.
Edward?
Alice. I replied.
How are you?
I'm okay.
It's late, what happened?
Did I wake you up?
No.
What were you doing?
I was just finishing grades. Alice lives in New York too. She's a teacher to 8th graders. My phone vibrated again.
Edward?
I'm okay.
What's wrong?
What do you mean what's wrong?
What's wrong?
I miss her.
I miss her too.
I miss her a lot.
So do I.
I miss her all the time.
Oh, Edward.
I put away my phone and went over to the window. I didn't have curtains, I was high enough off the ground that there was no need for them but I made note to buy some anyway. The curtains opposite me were not closed properly and I could see inside. Their apartment from what I could see it had the same layout as mine. Someone walked through and passed the window. A woman. I turned away and went to bed. Thunder and rain pounded down outside and I fell into a restless sleep of rainy nights and drunken people.
31/12/11
To my love, I wasn't always silent. I used to talk and talk and talk and talk, I couldn't keep my mouth shut, the silence over took me like a cancer. It was my first driving lesson; I tried to tell the instructor. "It's for –"but I couldn't finish the sentence, her name wouldn't come, I tried again, it wouldn't come, she was locked inside me. How strange, I thought. How frustrating, how pathetic, how sad.
It happened again two days later, and then again the following day, she was the only thing I wanted to talk about but it kept happening. 'And' was the next word I lost. What a simple word to say, what a profound word to lose, I had to say 'with'. So, 'I'd like a coffee "with" something sweet'. 'Want' was a word I lost early on, which is not to say I stopped wanting things - I wanted things more- I just stopped being able to express that want, so instead I said I "desire". 'I "desire" a coffee', I would tell the barista but that wasn't quite the right meaning of my words and soon my thoughts started to float away from me, like leaves fall from a tree into a river, I was the tree, the world was the river. I lost "come" one afternoon with the dogs in the park. I lost fine. I lost shame. I lost carry. Pencil, pocket change, wallet, I even lost loss. After a time I only had a handful of words left. I'd lost yes but I still had no. If someone asked me, "Are you Edward?" I would answer "Not no," but then I lost no.
Does it break my heart? Of course. Every moment of every day I never thought of myself as quiet, much less silent, I never thought about things at all. That distance wedged itself between me and my happiness, it wasn't the world or the car and burning tires, it was the cancer of never letting go.
"I" was the last word I was able to speak out loud. And I lost that too.