disclaimer: i own nothing.

He knew. He had known what she was like. Tears streamed down her face as she repeated this in her head, finding a comfort in them as she sat in a foetal position on their sofa. The words meant nothing, however, as she ran her hair for the umpth time that evening and laughed bitterly at the reason she had developed that gesture. It was true that he had known she was depressed (that had been through a mistake on her part), but it wasn't his fault that she hadn't been able to reciprocate his love in that moment nor was it hers.

She could blame her depression all she wanted, but that was only a factor. It wasn't her fault that she had become depressed, but she knew better now. The reason she wasn't getting better was because she had given up on the idea of getting better and simply let it take over, let it win. But she was tired of it. Tired of feeling drained, tired of the sadness, tired of cancelling plans because of the sudden overwhelmness of it all. But most of all she was tired of feeling numb, feeling like something was wrong within her. It had gotten to the point where she had felt like it was beginning to define her, blaming it for when things went wrong and that should never have happened. Never. But she had let it, and she wasn't the only one who had gotten hurt because of it. He wanted to help her, but he didn't realise that he couldn't be the one to save her from it. It had to be her.

The door to her room was pushed open carefully as she lied on the floor, hugging her legs to her chest, tears travelling down the length of her face. Her face had barely registered the creak before he entered the room, his beautiful smile plastered over his face, hair as unruly as always. The expression on his face changed as he took in the image of her wiping the tears away. Immediately coming to her side, he had taken her face in between his hands. Concern had shone in those hazel eyes. Part of her wanted to laugh as his glasses were slowly slipping off his nose, but she didn't. Those eyes would be the death of her, she had yet to decide how to describe the colour of his eyes but knew that she would have done anything to stop them from looking so distressed.

His lips gently brushed the top of her head. "What's wrong?" Fingers went into her hair, softly stroking her unkempt curls. Another kiss made its way onto her temple, she let out a soft sigh at the feeling of it as he continued comforting her without knowing what he had gotten himself into because he was James Potter and thought he needed to protect everyone from harm, but how could he protect her from herself? From her thoughts and the self-hatred that would attack her when she had had her moments of happiness. He couldn't. And she, she was fed up with keeping it shut, of feeling like a freak as Petunia had put it. So she let herself slip for a moment, holding up the bottle of empty pills, a bottle that had remain empty for a month. A month where she thought she could do without them, that she could control her own emotions. Turns out that she couldn't, and perhaps that made her a failure, but she couldn't bring herself to care at the moment. The words had slipped from her mouth, she wanted to say it was an accident, that she hadn't meant to say it, but the truth was that she had a hundred percent meant to say it. That didn't mean that regret didn't soon follow the words, "I'm depressed."

Maybe she had just wanted someone to care. Anyone to care. James to care.

He pulled away slightly causing her heart to beat in panic, because she needed him to care. His mouth opened and closed for a moment before bringing her in tighter, sometimes it was better to say nothing at all. Because what do you even say to that? You can say empty words (or words that seem full of promises) or you can let the actions speak for you, the love and support reflect itself by your mere presence.

She couldn't see the look of determination in his eyes as he held her, but a powerful vow had been made.

She had avoided him for a week after that. Humiliation had followed the day after the incident. Mortified that James had seen her at her weakest, seen her in vulnerable in a manner in which she promised herself no one would. It would have been easier for both of them if he had simply left after her declaration, but of course James wouldn't, and the more rational part of her knew that she wouldn't have wanted him to. She would have given anything for him to care now how he had cared then, she hadn't appreciated it nearly enough then, but she would have now. She would have been euphoric at any indication that he still loved her, that he still cared for her as more than just a friend. She felt selfish thinking it. He didn't deserve the hurt, the conflict.

But Lily had always been a bit blind when it came to him. How could she not realise the tiny gestures that spoke louder than anything else. Gestures that illustrated how much he adored her despite everything telling him he shouldn't. But then again, he had always held a soft spot for the redheaded girl.

His hurt was perfectly illustrated on his face as she opened the door. Her hand had begun to tremble slightly as she looked up at him, eyes not straying from hers. His hands were in his pocket as he bounced up and down uneasily using the balls of his feet.

"Can I come in?" Lily wasn't sure whether it had been an actual question as he had quit his movement and instead strutted into the flat she shared with April, a few blocks away from the university. "Are you mad at me?" His voice was oddly shy.

"N-No." Letting her eyes close for a moment, she let out a small breath. "No, I'm not."

"You've been avoiding me, Lily." Denying it was her initial move, but she was still a bit vulnerable and couldn't find it in herself to do so. "Please leave, James," it came out weak. It wasn't what she wanted.

"I'm not going to leave you, Lil," the determinism in his voice scared her. This was never in the plan. "And I'm not just talking about now, I care about you, Evans," his voice came out slightly teasing towards the end and had a small smile gracing her lips. "I want to help. I want you to be happy." Leaning down he pressed his mouth gently against hers for a second that had her heart pounding against her chest despite it being nothing they haven't already done. He cared enough to come to her despite her avoidance of him. "I promise."

Two words was all it took for her to be his forever.

But of course it didn't last. That had been last December when they had only been dating for two months. She had still lived with April then, before Lily had decide to move back in home once her father's health had begun declining. She had settled for taking a few online classes instead.

She still remembered fondly how James had begun placing tiny little notes in her notebooks and textbooks to cheer her up or as reminders to have her medications refilled with cute little smiley faces doodled on. He would hop on a train with her on the weekends when she would visit her parents. They had adored him.

Those notes remained in a box under her bed, she liked going threw them when she was feeling particularly down. No one knew that, not even Sirius or April.

James would have laughed at her with a lopsided smile as his hands cupped her face, his mouth placing kisses over her face, teasing her at her romantic action for someone who pretends not to believe in love.

He had always been rather sweet.

"Sirius," Lily yelled, throwing herself on her friend's back as she made her way into his flat.

She heard an unfamiliar chuckle from him. "I'm not Sirius."

Lily paused for a moment before jumping off the stranger's back. A blush coated her cheeks as he turned around. His hand going into his hair, messing it up nervously. He was rather fit she thought as he smiled down at her. "Hi."

"Hi." A grin made itself onto her face. "I'm Lily, a friend of Sirius'. He asked me to come by today to pick up a stray kitten that's been bothering him."

"I'm James, also a friend of the twat." He held a fond look on his face at the mention of Sirius. "Don't tell him I said this, but I think he's scared of the gato, made me go in his room and remove it last night." Lily giggled, amused by him and taking note of his slight accent in his voice that made her want to let out a long sigh. Her eyes lingered on him. Taking in his slightly tanned skin that made him seem as if he were radiating life itself, her focus shifted to his lips that twitched slightly upwards, then his eyes that were she couldn't decide whether they were more brown or gold with hints of green in them. She noticed his cheeks reddened. "I'll just go get the little bugger for you, yeah, just–" He walked away from her a bit quickly, bumping into one of the chairs in the process. What a dork, she thought as she watched his very fine arse.

"Here's Snuffles," he cooed as he placed a kiss on the the tiny black cat's head before putting him in her arms. "He likes to be cuddled with."

Biting her lips, she tightened her hold on the cat. "Does he now?" A small laugh escaped her. "And do you?"

"From cats and beautiful redheads, yes." She pulled her phone out of her pocket and handed it to him, "I think I may be needing your phone number, just for reference, you know?"

His grin made it worth it. Walking away she checked her phone and saw that he had sent himself a text from her phone. To the pretty redhead, I'll be here all week.

She threw her head back laughing. She would have to thank Sirius later, she thought as she played with Snuffles' paws. She hadn't felt this happy or full of butterflies in a while, but she knew it wouldn't take long for the happiness to dwindle away. It would be worth it, however. He had a smile that could light up the world. Hope began to appear in her once more.

It had taken him a day to ask her out after texting the majority of the night. A simple phone call and a few seconds for her to cave. Because he was James, and he made everything okay. Maybe that's why she had agreed, because she needed someone to make it okay, because she hadn't realised that it wasn't supposed to be that way. But it wasn't why she stayed, she stayed because she liked him, loved him, but he deserved the world, of that she was sure. And she wasn't capable of giving that to him then, she still wasn't.

Maybe if she hadn't kissed him that day, they would have worked it out by now. But she did, so they haven't.

She was jealous, the bitter part of her mind admitted. It had only been a month, she thought as she watched him flirting with a brunette, Sirius by his side chatting up her friend. She didn't know why she had agreed to go out with the guys tonight, perhaps she thought it would go back to normal, but how could it? They had broken up.

"Lily, are you okay?" Remus had asked as his green eyes watched her worriedly.

"I'm fine, Moony." Her eyes never left his as she responded. Regret filled her. Standing up she said, "I'm going to go help Peter with the drinks."

Scanning the bar, she made her way to her blue-eyed friend. "Need any help, Pete?" He smiled shyly at her before nodding. She didn't think he had actually heard her over the music. "Hi, Lily," he shouted as he seemed to be struggling for the bartender's attention.

"Watch me," she screamed as she motioned for the dark-haired bartender to approach them.

"What can I get for you, gorgeous?" Lily laughed slightly, really it wouldn't due to insult the man handling her drinks.

Smiling coyly she asked, "Could I just have another round of whisky please, five?" The man just nodded at her, looking her up and down in a way that made her slightly uncomfortable.

"Coming right up, love."

Turning back her gaze to Peter she said, "The trick is to look like you know what you're doing." She paused for a second, "I suppose having breasts helps," she said sending a small wink at the mousy-haired boy. He laughed, his dimple showing, illustrating his innocence. She hoped he would never let it go, once it was gone it would never return. She knew that all too well.

They collected the drinks with another wink from the bartender and a fake number written down and handed to him at his insistence.

He was still talking to the brunette she noted as they passed him on their way to the table, It was never this hard before.

Feeling another pair of eyes on her as she approached the table, she turned to meet the eyes of a brown-eyed man. "Do you want to dance?" Her mind was conflicted, part of her wanted to be spiteful and dance with him, but she knew who she really wanted. She knew it as she felt the hazel eyes on her.

"No, thank you." The man walked away with a shrug as if it were her loss. Perhaps it was, but she would never know. Would never want to know.

A moment later, she turned around and saw a knowing look on Sirius' face, but he couldn't know. She couldn't let him know.

They walked over to them as the night was coming to a near, the girls' numbers scrawled over their palms. She glared into her chips. "I think I'm going to go home now," she uttered, grabbing at a a lock of hair.

James frowned at her. "It's past one, Lily. Just stay over at mine." She wished she could have said no, but one look into those golden eyes and she was gone.

"Okay."

They walked over to his flat a bit later, his jacket thrown over her. It felt like a date, would have felt like one if it weren't for the phone number on his hand, the reminder that she didn't have a right to feel this way. But she did.

Fumbling for the keys nervously he finally managed to get them into the knob, but that was as far as he got as she turned him around, pressing him into the wall. Observing him for a moment, she leant up and pressed her lips to his lightly. One of her hands moved to the back of his head as she felt him respond tentatively, bringing him closer to her, deepening the kiss as one of his hands tangled in her red hair, the other one on her back. Her tongue found its way into his mouth as his glasses pressed into her face, moans were provoked out of the other. It seemed like an unspoken competition of who wanted who more, and she didn't care who won as long as he kept touching her, kissing her. As long as he still felt something for her, anything for her.

Pulling away, she looked up at him, a sly look on her face that had him leaning down again, his hands moving to cup her face, fingers digging into cheek, eliciting a whimper from her.

"Lily." She could hear the want in her voice.

No response was needed as she turned the doorknob open, pushing him inside, pushing him into where they had shared countless moments together, kissing, talking, being. Pushing him back into the past. Pressing her lips once more to his she began unbuttoning his shirt, pushing it off his shoulder as he captured her bottom lip in between his. Biting down on it gently in a way that surprised Lily who was more used to James' delicate kisses that would turn rougher as his desires heightened. But she wasn't used to a James whose needs began rough rather than soft, whose kisses began like the world was ending. Under all the wanton desires, she knew which she would have prefered. But she would never have voiced her desire for softness and delicateness after what she had said, after how she had treated him.

"James." It sounded melodic to his ears, yet she was no angel. And he had never wanted her to be one. He wished someone would have made her realise that.

The palm of his hands pressed into her back as their lips collided once more. Unresolved emotions presenting themselves in the kiss they moved into the bedroom, Lily losing her shirt somewhere in the process. As he pinned her to the door, his mouth began sucking on her pulse point as she squirmed underneath him, her body pressing to his in all the right ways. Every point of contact resulting in fire burning in his veins.

Pushing him away, her mouth placed kisses down his chest as she led him to the bed, her hand travelling south, lingering at the waistband of his trousers, pushing them down.

She kissed the corner of his lips. It confused for a moment before he became distracted by her straddling him. An auburn eyebrow raised at him teasingly before another kiss made its way onto his mouth followed by the tracing of his lips by her tongue.

"Are you sure?" He said, throwing his head back.

"Yes."

James, unknown to her, had stood awake that night, long after it was over. He watched her silently, one of her arms sprawled over his stomach. Her red locks against his slightly tanned chest. Grabbing at a piece, he rubbed it between his fingers before dropping it, glancing at the palm that no longer held another girl's number in self-hatred.

He was supposed to be getting over her, so why was he in bed with her? Why was he in bed with someone who would never love him?

The door twisted open to the flat. Her eyes turned to look at it in confusion knowing that James and Sirius were the only ones with keys.

"Hi, Lil," he greeted her, a blush on his cheek. "I thought you were going to be with Moony tonight?" He sent her a sad smile.

"He wanted to be alone." She shrugged. "You know how he gets." He nodded briefly, a bit distracted. "Are you all right? I thought you were spending the night with Annalee?"

He sat on the edge of the sofa, throwing off his glasses before turning to her. "I don't think you actually want to hear it." He sent a forced smile her way. "Did you see the football match?"

She laughed, allowing him to escape her question for the moment. "I only watch it for the commentary." She sent him a teasing wink, "Although the men are rather fit." Placing a hand on his arm she said seriously, "I can't believe you're playing the Wimbourne Wasps in a month. They're the best in the league."

"I'm wounded, Evans." She grinned as she watched the lopsided smile appear. A dimple was missing, however.

"What's wrong?" She asked pulling him closer to her. "You know you can tell me if something's wrong, right?"

Biting his lip, he confessed, "Annalee broke up with me."

"On Christmas?" She eyed him skeptically, as if she couldn't believe that someone would not only break up with someone as wonderful as James Potter but do so on such a day. "Why?"

She knew she regretted it. Knew that she would have given anything to take it back.

He shrugged slightly, getting up, "Cree que estoy enamorado de otra persona." (She believes I'm in love with someone else). While Lily wasn't the best at Spanish, she knew enough to get the gist of it from all her conversations with Euphemia.

So she asked cautiously, "Are you?"

"I don't know." And with that he walked away into his bedroom. He was forever walking away from her, and she was forever letting him.

They lied on his sofa, Snuffles lying on her stomach as James used his hands to play with the cat tenderly.

"Meow," he purred playfully, giving her ear a light nip. A giggle escaped her as she shifted slightly. Her back was to his chest, and she could feel his breath against her ear. She leant her head back, trying to get a look at him from the corner of her eyes; James rewarded her with a kiss to the side of her face. His mouth began peppering more kisses over the skin of her neck before settling for nuzzling into it. His hand held the cat's tiny paw out to lightly linger on Lily's stomach, careful not to scratch her. He placed a quick kiss on her collarbone before letting go of Snuffles, the cat remaining content with its place.

"Do you purr at all your girlfriends?" Lily asked as she ran her fingers across Snuffles' fur.

He placed his head atop hers, tightening his arms at her waist. Taking a deep breath he said the last words she expected. "Only at the ones I love."

Love. What did he know about love? He couldn't love her.

The tension that the words caused in her were evident. His arms loosened from around her. "Lily? Please, say something."

Getting up from her place on the sofa, she looked down at him with lost green eyes. Her arms tightening around Snuffles for comfort. "James, I–" His eyes had closed, his face holding an expression of misery. "You can't love me, James."

Hazel eyes fluttered opened. Confusion was evident in them as he stood up. "What do you mean I can't love you? I know how I feel."

Anxiety was beginning to overwhelm her. This wasn't supposed to happen. "James," she pleaded. "You just can't love me. You're not supposed to."

"I'm in love with you, Lily Evans," he sounded hurt. She had never wanted him to be. "I'm not asking you to love me too. I'm asking you to just accept that I love you, that I care about you more than I've ever cared about any of my past girlfriends."

"I can't accept that." His eyes stared into his defiantly. He couldn't love her, she repeated to herself. "Can you handle that I won't love you? Because I can't give you more than what I have already, I just can't."

"I don't know." She could tell he was trying to hide his emotions, but she knew him better than she knew most people, she knew what he looked like when he was trying to be brave, to seem like nothing could hurt him.

Hesitating briefly she said, "Maybe–maybe we shouldn't be together then."

His eyes looked down before nodding briefly. "Okay."

"James," she stepped closer to him, flinching as he stepped away.

"I think it'll be best if you leave." Before she could say anything, he had turned around and walked towards his bedroom.

Tears rolled down her face. "I'm so sorry."

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