My thanks to Sylvain for the beta work.

The Unthinkable

Part 2

It's been just over a month since the accident, one very long, heart-wrenching month. The weeks have been filled with worry, dread, anger, fear... with just about every negative emotion known to man. Aaron's been making everyone's life hell. Walk into his hospital room and you are either met by a stony silence or a torrent of abuse. It all depends on how bad his mood is at the time. He's determined to push his family and anyone else who cares about him away, me especially. He's even tried to stop us all from visiting, but that particular request has fallen on deaf ears, the medical staff choosing to ignore it. They know he needs us and keep assuring us that he will realise and accept that in time.

The fact we know what he's doing and why he's doing it doesn't make it any easier. I'm left bone-weary and heartsick by it all, I'm terrified I won't get through to him, that I'll lose him.

Aaron's been giving the nursing staff a load of grief too, I feel bad about that and I keep apologising for his behaviour, it's inexcusable… or is it? Doesn't he have a right to hate the world and everything in it considering what's happened to him? I think I would, too, if my life had been changed so dramatically, if I suddenly found myself helpless and totally dependent on others. I'd be as angry and as bitter as he is right now, I'd be lashing out verbally at anyone who got within a mile of me!

The staff at the Spinal Injury Unit simply ignore his outbursts, take it all in their stride, they say they've seen and heard it all before. They've recommended counselling, not just for Aaron but for everyone close to him. No one that knows him is surprised that he's refused such help, that's him to a T! We've all been somewhat reluctant, but in the end there's nothing we wouldn't do, not if it helps him in some way.

I had my first session the other day. I can't say it helped me any. The future is still a very scary place, and my head, my emotions remain in turmoil. Like Aaron, I suppose I need time to adjust, but I'm impatient, I want to get through to him now. I want to be what he needs, I want to be his rock, I want to be the one he turns to, the one he lets in… I just want to be a part of his world, the most important thing in his world, just like I was before the accident. Selfish, I know, this is not about me it's about him, but I don't think there can be a me without him, not anymore.

Everything changed that day, everything except the way I feel about him, I still love him, I love him so very much. I know he loves me and he thinks that by pushing me away he's doing the right thing by me, that's he's sparing me some grief. Well, he's not, he's just hurting me. We're soul mates, me and him, we're meant to be together no matter what, I've got to cling on tightly to him until he admits to that. But knowing just how stubborn he is, I'm scared that time will never come.

I thought telling him he was paralysed would be the hardest thing I've ever done, and it was awful at the time, but dealing with the aftermath is proving so much harder. The conversation still haunts me though, it replays over and over in my head. My mind's eye tortures me with heartbreaking images… his tears, drop after drop of anguish-fuelled moisture had trickled endlessly down his face. Silently at first, but as the truth sliced mercilessly through his defences, he began to sob, his breath catching in his throat, hitching painfully as he was overcome by despair.

The memory has me wipe away a tear, and I tell myself not to dwell on it, it's too painful. I sip on my tea, realise it's gone cold while I've been so lost in thought. I can't be arsed making another one, the efforts too much right now, it's taking me all my time to force down a slice of toast. My appetite has all but gone out the window, but I know I can't work or be there for Aaron on a diet of fresh air. I need something inside my belly, some nourishment, something to help keep me going through a busy day.

I used to love breakfast time, me and Aaron chatting across the table, making the most of the time we had together before going to work. Now, I look at his empty chair and I feel so lost, so very lonely. I try not to, but I always think back to that last morning, to our lovemaking, to our play-fight over who got the last of the cornflakes. I miss him, I miss what we had. I miss his warmth at night, the feel of his flesh against mine, I miss the intimacy… I can live without that but not without him. I want him home, I want him here with me. I want to make his life as happy and as fulfilled as it can possibly be. We can be happy me and him, I know we can.

The counsellor says it will probably take a couple of years before Aaron accepts and adjusts to his disability. I've got my mind set on reaching that milestone, other people have proved it's possible, I want Aaron to believe that it is too, that we still have a future together.

/

It's been one of those days, one where everything that can possibly go wrong has gone wrong. I've had problem after problem and the kitchen I've been waiting to fit hasn't arrived. My client's been on the phone giving me a hard time about it, I wouldn't mind if it was my fault but it's not, it's out of my hands. There was a time when I'd have kept my mouth shut, let the aggrieved party rant, but not today. Between everything, I'm stressed out and my temper is on a very short fuse… that being the case, I ranted on back at him!

My phone started to ring just seconds after I'd ended the call, I thought it was him again and was ready for round 2, but it was Chas, her voice both loud and emotional in my ear. She rings me at least once a day to talk about Aaron. As usual, he wants nothing to do with her, has spat the usual helping of spite in her direction. He's apparently in a fouler mood than ever today and she wanted to warn me. It's what I've come to expect from him now, but my heart sinks on hearing her detail his latest tantrum. If I'm honest, they're really beginning to wear me down, I'm finding it harder and harder to stay calm, to try and reason with him and I'm worried I'll explode in his face… that would only make things worse.

I decide to call it a day and head home, showering and changing, then calling in on Paddy on my way over to the hospital. He's visibly aged this last month, and I worry about him, I don't think he's coping as well as he'd like us all to think he is. He's brooding over something, I don't know what, and he won't admit to anything, so what can I do? I can only hope he finds some peace of mind soon.

I call in at the hospital shop, get Aaron a few essentials. I pick out a box of chocolates too, but they're not for him, they're for the nurses. Something sweet to help counteract the sour comments they've no doubt endured from Aaron all day. They jokingly tell me to don some armour before going into his room, that I'm going to need it. I manage a small smile but, inside, I'm crying, I'm at a low ebb emotionally and just don't think I can face a verbal onslaught tonight. I want my best friend back.

It starts as soon as I walk through the door. He wants to know why I'm here, tells me he doesn't want me here. I ignore him, set about putting the things I've just bought him away. That done, I talk over him, tell him I've seen Paddy, that he'll be in to see him tomorrow. It only adds to his anger and his voice soars as he tells me to get out and not come back.

How many times have I heard that now? How many times have I ignored it and stayed put? Countless times… but not this time. This time something snaps inside of me and I stride up to his bed, get in his face and yell back at him, delivering some painful home truths before turning on my heels and walking from the room.

I feel sick inside and I'm shaking but there's also a sense of relief flowing through my veins. I've let off some steam, eased the pressure that's been steadily building.

I leave the hospital and make for Bar West, in need of some sort of normality, in need of a drink… and in need of the right kind of company.

My luck's in. Just ten minutes after walking through the door, some bloke's started chatting to me. I'm enjoying the attention, lapping it up. I tell myself Aaron might not want me but someone does.

Gareth's a little older than me, dark-haired, green-eyed… he's hot! He's easy to talk to, and he's made me laugh umpteen times in the past hour and I haven't laughed in a long time. He tells me he's on a business trip, in Yorkshire for one night only and that he's out for some fun, some action… and that's all I need to know about him. When he suggests going back to his hotel, I readily agree, it's what I want, or so I think, until we get there.

As the door closes behind us, I feel the first pang of unease. As he reaches for me, I tense. When he kisses me, I'm unable to respond, and his touch just leaves me cold. I pull away, tell him I can't, that I have to leave. He tries to stop me, gentle persuasion soon turning to anger when he realises he's not getting what he wants from me. But he's not as disappointed in me as I am, I hate myself right now.

How could I do that? How could I betray Aaron that way? How could I come so close to doing the unthinkable?

I head back to the hospital, ready to do battle, ready to win the war. As I walk through the door, I sense a change in the atmosphere, Aaron looks surprised to see me, surprised and relieved. The redness around his eyes tells me he's been crying. I quickly realise why, he thought he'd succeeded in pushing me away, he thought we were over.

I watch a fresh crop of tears form and then fall from his blue eyes… and this time he lets me wipe them away.

TBC