Dear Beth,
There's this thing about people like Rachel.
The first time she set foot in McKinley High she was slushied. People have been mean to her from the very first moment on. I don't even remember what came first: the insults or her cocky attitude. I guess they are each other's cause.
You don't know Rachel, but you will meet someone like her in every school. She's the girl who fights and loses. She's the girl who questions all existing rules and never quits begging to be heard. She's the girl who has all odds against her and never gives up. Sometimes I think she's unbreakable.
She dresses weird and has obviously never had a manicure. She's very simple and the only thing she really cares about is music. She's the every day girl you'll find in every third house in every street. And yet, not quite.
You'll know when you see her.
My actions may seem as if I'm trying to forget you, Beth. I promise you, I'm not. Every single of my molecules is fighting the battle of my life. With every breath I die a little, because you should be here, breathing next to me. Oh how I wish I had a life to offer you.
A life, however, is exactly what I need right now. So I will have to ask you for forgiveness one more time. Please forgive me for my selfishness. Please forgive me for making you believe that I'm ok.
Right now it seems I don't have that many options. I can only try and regain some of the popularity I lost. I can only try to be someone again; maybe someone other people can love, or at least respect.
If others can respect me, maybe someday I will be able to respect myself. Maybe you will respect me, too. Maybe one day I will be worthy of seeing you again.
Rachel. She doesn't have to care about such things. She's never been taught that she has to be more than just herself. All she ever has to do is sing.
And Finn. He was supposed to be my family. He was supposed to be your family, Beth. But I made a mistake and gambled away our chance to be happy together.
I can see why he likes her, though. She's so much stronger than me. She doesn't compromise her identity. She would have found a way to keep you. She would have sung you lullabies.
In fact, when the time comes and you go to high school, I'd rather have you be friends with someone like her than with someone like me. I want you to be surrounded by love, not by competition.
For me that is not possible anymore. I cannot step out of my shoes and be someone else. I'm stuck with being me and I will do the best I can to do exactly that.
Finn. He's Rachel's family now and maybe that is the way it's supposed to be. Just because I'm unhappy, doesn't mean she has to be, too. If Finn is her only worry and all it takes for her to maintain her strength is his love, then she is beyond lucky.
I'm trapped between envy, sadness, frustration and admiration. Rachel and me, we are opposing forces. We both fight. We both want nothing more than to exist.
In another life we may have made good friends.
"The only exception". She sang it to him, but I swear it sounded as if she'd be singing it to you instead.
No one matters and no one ever will. No one but you.
Love,
Quinn