There was once a King who had a son, Sesshomaru, who asked in marriage the daughter of a mighty King Naraku; she was called Maid Maleen, though her real name was Kagura, and was very beautiful.

No one knew why they called her Maid Kagura Maleen though.

Maid-Kagura-Maleen was in love with Prince Sesshomaru. Naraku wanted her to marry someone else so Sesshomaru was rejected; but as they both loved each other with all their hearts, they would not give each other up, and Maid-Kagura- Maleen said to her father, "I won't marry anyone else but my Sesshy."

Naraku threw a hissy fit and ordered a dark tower to be built, into which no ray of sunlight or moonlight should enter. When it was finished, he said, "You'll be imprisoned there for seven years, and then I'll come and see if you've lost your insanity yet, bitch!"

Food and water for the seven years were carried into the tower, and then she and her servant Kanna were led into it and walled up, and thus cut off from the sky and from the earth.

There they sat in the darkness, and knew not when day or night began. Sesshomaru often went around the tower, and called their names, but no sound pierced through the thick walls. What else could they do but lament and complain? Well, Kagura did. Kanna just sat there doing nothing.

Meanwhile the time passed, and by the diminution of the food and drink they knew that the seven years were coming to an end.

They thought the moment of their deliverance was to come; but no stroke of the hammer was heard, no stone fell out of the wall, and it seemed to Maid-Kagura-Maleen that her father had forgotten her. Figures. As they only had food for a short time longer, and saw a miserable death awaiting them, Kagura said, "We must try our last chance, and see if we can break through the wall." She took the bread-knife, and picked and bored at the mortar of a stone, and when she was tired, then waited for Kanna to take her turn.

However Kanna just kept staring off into space as usual, and Kagura had to slap the living shit out of her.

With great labor they succeeded in getting out one stone, and then a second, and a third, and when three days were over the first ray of light fell on their darkness, and at last the opening was so large that they could look out. The sky was blue, and a fresh breeze played on their faces; but how shitty everything looked all around!

Her father's castle lay in ruins, the town and the villages were, so far as could be seen, destroyed by fire, the fields far and wide laid to waste, and no human being was visible. When the opening in the wall was large enough for them to slip through, the Kanna sprang down first, and then Maid Kagura Maleen followed.

But where were they to go? The enemy had ravaged the whole kingdom, driven away Naraku, and slain all the inhabitants. They wandered forth to seek another country, but nowhere did they find shelter, or a human being to give them a mouthful of bread, and their need was so great that they were forced to appease their hunger with nettles. What the hell are nettles anyway?

When, after long journeying, they came into another country, they tried to get work everywhere; but wherever they knocked they were turned away, and no one would have pity on them. At last they arrived in a large city and went to the royal palace. There also they were ordered to go away, but at last the cook said that they might stay in the kitchen and be scullions.

The son of the King in whose kingdom they were, was, however, the very man who had been betrothed to Maid Kagura Maleen. His father had chosen another bride for him named Older Rin, whose face was as ugly as her heart was wicked. People would sing Ugly Girl around her because she looked like a miniature King Kong.

The wedding was fixed, and the Older Rin had already arrived; but because of her great ugliness, however, she shut herself in her room, and allowed no one to see her, and Maid Kagura Maleen had to take her her meals from the kitchen.

When the day came for the bride and the groom to go to church, she was ashamed of her ugliness, and afraid that if she showed herself in the streets, she would be mocked and laughed at by the people. Then she said to Kagura, "You got lucky. I sprained my foot, and cannot walk through the streets; so you'll put on my wedding-clothes and take my place! There is no greater honor than that!"

Kagura, however, refused it, and said, "Your clothes smell like horse shit!" It was in vain, too, that Older Rin offered her gold. At last she said angrily, "If you don't obey me, it shall cost you your life. I have but to speak the word, and your head will lie at your feet!"

Then she was forced to obey, and put on the bride's magnificent but stinky clothes and all her jewels. When she entered the royal hall, every one was amazed at her great beauty, and the King said to his son, "This is the bride whom I have chosen for you, and whom you must lead to church."

Sesshomaru was astonished, and thought, "She is like my Maid Kagura Maleen, and I should believe that it was she herself...but she has long been shut up in the tower, or dead." He took her by the hand and led her to church.

On the way, Maid Kagura Maleen kept talking to plants, and bridges, and church doors. In a whisper of course, or else others would think she was delusional, but she would say...

"Oh little plant, don't break...cause I'm not the true bride."

Or something like that.

When they got there the Sesshomaru took out a precious chain, put it around her neck, and fastened the clasp. There upon they entered the church, and the priest joined their hands together before the altar, and married them. He led her home, but she did not speak a single word the whole way.

When they got back to the royal palace, she hurried into the bride's chamber, put off the nasty clothes and the jewels, dressed herself back in her gray gown, and kept nothing but the jewel on her neck, which she had received from Sesshomaru.

When the night came, and Older Rin was to be led into Sesshomaru's apartment, she let her veil fall over her face, that he might not observe the deception. As soon as every one had gone away, he said to her, "Um...I don't know if I should say this, but I did kind of overhear you talking...what did you say to the plant which was growing by the wayside?"

"To which plant?" asked Older Rin. "I don't talk to plants."

"If you didn't do it, then you are not the true bride," said Sesshomaru.

So she thought and said, "I must go out unto my maid who keeps my thoughts for me."

That makes no sense. Who the fuck keeps another person's thoughts for them? That's not even possible! But the plot shall move forward cause this shit isn't supposed to make sense anyway.

Older Rin went out and sought Maid Kagura Maleen. "Girl, you're insane, talking to plants. What have you been saying to the plant?"

"I said nothing but

Oh, nettle-plant,
Little nettle-plant,
What dost thou here alone?
I have known the time
When I ate thee unboiled,
When I ate thee unroasted."

"Why the hell would you say that to a plant?!" Older Rin cried; but later ran back into the chamber, and said, "I know now what I said to the plant," and she repeated the words which she had just heard.

"But what did you say to the foot-bridge when we went over it?" asked Sesshomaru.

"To the foot-bridge?" she answered. "I don't talk to foot-bridges."

"Then you're not the true bride."

She again said, "I must go out unto my maid, who keeps my thoughts for me," And ran out and found Kagura. "Girl, what did you say to the foot-bridge?"

"I said nothing but, foot-bridge, do not break, I am not the true bride."

"I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!" cried Older Rin, but she hurried back into Sesshomaru's room, and said, "I know now what I said to the foot-bridge," and she repeated the words.

"But what did you say to the church-door?"

"To the church-door?" she replied, wondering exactly how many inanimate objects Kagura liked to conversate with. "I don't talk to church-doors."

"Then you're not the true bride." Sesshomaru repeated the line for what seems like 80 times in a row now.

She went out and found Maid Kagura Maleen, and said, "Girl, what did you say to the church-door?"

"I said nothing but,

Church-door, break not,
I am not the true bride."

"That will break your neck!" cried the Older Rin, and flew into a terrible rage...but she hastened back into the room, and said, "I know now what I said to the church-door," and she repeated the words.

"But where is the jewel which I gave you at the church-door?"

"What jewel?" she answered; "you did not give me any jewel."

"I myself put it around your neck, and I myself fastened it; if you don't know that, you're not the true bride."

He drew the veil from her face, and when he saw her immeasurable ugliness, he sprang back terrified, and said, "How did you come here? Who are you?"

"I am your betrothed bride, but because I feared the people would mock me when they saw me out of doors, so I commanded the scullery-maid to dress herself in my clothes, and to go to church instead of me."

"Where is the girl?" said Sesshomaru. "I want to see her, go and bring her here."

Older Rin went out and told the servants that the scullery-maid was an impostor, and that they must take her out into the court-yard and strike off her head. The servants laid hold of Maid Kagura Maleen and wanted to drag her out, but she screamed so loudly for help, that the Sesshomaru heard her voice, hurried out of his chamber and ordered them to set the maiden free instantly.

Lights were brought, and then he saw on her neck the gold chain which he had given her at the church-door. "You are the true bride!" said Sesshomaru."You went with me to the church; come with me now to my room."

What a naughty prince.

When they were both alone, he said, "On the way to church you did name Maid Kagura Maleen, who was my betrothed bride; if I could believe it possible, I would think she was standing before me because you're like her in every respect."

She answered, "I am Maid Kagura Maleen, who for your sake was imprisoned seven years in the darkness, who suffered hunger and thirst, and has lived so long in want and poverty, you fucking jackass. Today, however, the sun is shining on me once more and I feel like being all poetic and whatnot! I was married to you in the church, and I am your lawful wife."

Then they kissed each other, and were happy all the days of their lives. Older Rin was rewarded for what she had done by having her head cut off.