CR:…Only one review, huh?
Mustadio: Y-yeah….
CR:…
Mustadio: *Gulp*
CR: You have failed me for the last time… *Raises hand*
Mustadio: *Choking* N-no!
Malak: Uhh…We're experiencing technical difficulties. In the mean time, read this story and remember, CR don't own crap. I'M COMING, MUSTADIO!
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It was a dark and stormy night…Oh, how fucking original… Anyways, it was a dark and stormy night at Orbonne Monastary. Inside, a young woman kneeled down before some big lamp thingy. "Oh God,"she praid, "Have mercy on us sinful children."
"Umm, princess…" Interjected an old priest with a 'stache standing behind her, "Your praying to the chandelier." He pointed out.
"Oh God," the princess began again, "Shut this mo'fo up before I bitch slap his sorry ass into next week." The priest gulped, stepped back, and looked to a blond woman in armor to his right. She simply shrugged and made the crazy sign with her finger.
"Princess, we must get going." The woman said.
"Oh God," the princess began yet again, "Strike these sons of bitches down for interrupting me during my personal reflection time." The priest and the knight traded glances, and mentally sighed.
Just then, the door opened. In stepped two young men and an older man in black armor, sporting a 'stache superior to that of the priests. "What's taking so long?" the 'stache man asked. "In case you didn't notice, it's raining out there!"
"Gafgarion, behave yourself!" The knight scolded.
"Bitch, please! You DARE try to stand up to my 'stache?" Gafgarion demanded. The knight, who by the way is named Agrias, shook her head and shut up. "Good! …Ok, what the hell is she doing?" he asked, looking towards the princess.
"…She's praying." The priest replied.
"…That's a chandelier…"
"It's best not to question it…"
Just then, another person burst through the doors. Do these people EVER knock? Damn! Oh, yeah, and he was bleeding and stuff. "Lady Agrias…Father Simon, the-"
"Woah, woah, woah, back up!" Gafgarion shouted. "Simon? Your telling me someone in this game has a NORMAL name!? BLASPHEMY!"
"Uhh…As I was saying…The enemy is attacking!" The random man then died and was forgotten.
"An attack, eh? We shall see! Rad, Ramza, follow me!" Gafgarion shouted, turning towards the door. He then looked to Ramza. "…Now whats wrong?" he growled. "Your being an emo faced little prick again. You KNOW that pisses me off." Ramza was about to speak, only to get cut off. "Yeah, don't want to hear it. Now, tallyho!" With that, Gafgarion charged out. Ramza, Rad, and Agrias all looked at each other, shrugged, and followed after him.
Outside the front gate were two other knight women at the door. They were hit when Gafgarion pushed the doors open, and went flying down the steps. Little stars started floating above their heads. Infront of him was a small band of warriors. "Ahem!" one began. "Surrender the princess, and we can solve this peacefully! If not, we will-"
"Bored now, bye!" Gafgarion replied Using the awesome power of The 'Stache, he summoned some big eye thing above the speaker, who didn't move despite how ridiculously slow the damned thing was.
"I'mma firin' ma lazors!" the eye thing shouted. It then fired its lazors, killing the generic speaker. Gafgarion was then healed by the damage done, because his Stache power was simply that awesome.
Agrias blinked. "Okay, that wasn't necessary. I mean, seriously, we don't need to kill them"
"SILENCE!" Gafgarion retorted. "WITNESS THE POWER OF THE 'STACHE!" The dark knight shouted. He then went running around, firing his lazors off here and there.
Agrias sighed, and ran on up to a generic archer. "Stasis Sword!" she shouted, swinging her sword. A block of ice fell and whacked the archer in the head.
"Oww! What the hell!?!" the archer shouted, only to get hit by another block of ice. "Come on! That hurts!" Another block of ice fell. "What kinda-" Another block of ice. "Stupid attack-" Ice. "Is-" Ice. "This!" Ice. "Ok, screw it!" The archer then KO'd himself.
"Ok, seriously, that's one lame ass attack." Rad commented. "You dropped blocks of ice on a guy! It would have been easier just to stab him!" Agrias turned around and glared, shutting him up.
Where was Ramza during all this? Doing nothing. I mean, seriously, he's got these two special class knights going off firing Shoop Da Whoops and ice blocks everywhere. What the fuck's he gunna do to compare with that? Might as well just sit back and relax.
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Several minutes later
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"Uhh, Gafgarion…" Agrias began. "Gafgarion…Your firing lazers at a frog."
"SILENCE!" Gafgarion retorted. "The frog mocks The 'Stache! As such, it must DIE!" With that, he started Shoop Da Whooping frogs.
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Several more minutes later
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"Oookay, now that Gafgarion has successfully decimated the frog population of Ivalice, this battle is over." Agrias cheered.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious." Rad retorted, only to have blocks of ice fall on him.
Suddenly, inside there was a shrill shriek.
"The Princess is in trouble!" Agrias shouted.
"Do you really care?" Gafgarion asked.
"Not really." She admitted. "But she owes me a nickel."
"Fiiiine. Ramza, go help her."
Nodding, Ramza ran into the Monastary after Agrias. Inside, they found the princess struggling with a man in armor. "Wait, wait, wait, time out!" Rad shouted, running inside. "How the HELL did he get in here!?"
"Back door." Agrias replied.
"…If there's a back door, why didn't we just take the princess and escape!?" He shouted. He was then hit by lightning for daring to question the plot. "How did lightning strike inside!?" he asked, only to get struck again. "Oww…" He then rose to his feet. "I'm ok." With that, he staggered back outside.
Anyways, back to the story. The princess was struggling with a man in armor. "Unhand me!" she shouted. "Or you will face the wrath of God!" She then pointed up to the chandelier.
The man looked up to the chandelier, then to Agrias and Ramza, a confused look on his face.
"She thinks the chandelier is God." Agrias explained. She then made little crazy loops with her head.
"How DARE you insult God!" The princess shrieked. "He will punish you for that!"
"Ovelia, for the last time, the damned chandelier isn't God! It's a stupid chandelier!" Agrias shrieked back. She was then struck by lightning. "What the…How did lightning strike? We're inside!?" She was then struck again. Ramza shrugged.
"It is the wrath of God!" Ovelia shrieked. "Repent, you sinners, and He shall spare you!"
The man in armor sighed. "Ok, that's enough." He then punched her in the stomache.
"Thank you!" Agrias sighed. "She is such a bi-wait…Fiend!" She then unsheathed her sword. "She owes me a nickel!"
"Oh…well…Sucks to be you!" The man replied.
"…Delita?"
Agrias and Delita looked around. "Who said that?" they asked simultaneously.
"I did."
Agrias and Delita looked up. "God, is that you?" they asked simultaneously.
"No! I'm not God!"
Agrias' and Delita's eyes widened. "It's SATAN! NOOOO!
"Oh for the love of…It's me, Ramza!" The blonde shouted.
Agrias blinked. "Holy shit, you can talk?" she asked.
"Of course I can talk!" He retorted. "Why the hell do you think I can't talk!?"
"Well, you haven't said much." Agrias replied matter o' factly. "Anways, we need to get back to the plot."
"Oh, right, the plot." Ramza agreed.
"Yes, the plot." Delita said, nodding his head.
They were all struck by lightning for breaking the fourth wall.
Delita blinked. "How did lightning-"
"Don't!" Agrias and Ramza shouted simultaneously, knowing what would happen if he dared tried to make sense of the Authors amazing powers to defy the laws of physics.
"Oh, right, thanks guys." Delita replied.
"Eh, no problem." Ramza replied. "Now where were we? Oh yeah…Delita!"
Delita looked up at him, then turned away and started walking out the back door.
"Quick!" Agrias shouted, running out the front
"Uhh…we could just take the back…" Ramza commented, only to get hit by a block of ice. "Ok, ok, we'll do it your way." He groaned, running after her.
Outside, the two heroes ran to the river to see Delita riding some giant chicken. Ok, what the hell? Why a giant chicken? Why not, I dunno, a horse? Seriously, riding a giant chicken is just STUPID!
"Damn!" Agrias swore. "We're too late!"
"Yes, well…" Delita then cleared his throat. "Ahem…If you must blame someone, blame yourself…Or blame God!" He was then struck by lightning. "Oww…" With that, he road off.
"Damn!"Agrias swore again. She then turned to see Gafgarion and the three unimportant normal class people. "Why are you just standing there!?" she shouted. "Why didn't you help us!?"
"Eh, didn't feel like it." Gafgarion replied, trimming his 'Stache.
"But-"
"You DARE question me!?" Gafgarion shouted. "Do you wish to feel the wrath of THE 'STACHE?" Agrias shook her head.
"Wait…" Rad interjected. "Why didn't you just hit him with a Stasis Sword? That woulda solved the problem…" He was then pelted by blocks of ice. "Ok, shutting up now."
Ramza was currently looked out to the river. "Delita…" he muttered. "Is it really you?"
"No!" Agrias shrieked. "We are NOT doing a flash back!"
Too late.
"Damn!"
Yeah, life's a bitch.
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CR: Ok, I'm better.
Mustadio: X_X
Malak: X_X
CR: Anyways, please press that little blue button. It will make me smile. ^^
P.S. Flames will be laughed at and fed to a chocobo. Jokes about Christianity will be ignored, and the writer will feel the wrath of Gafgarion's 'Stache.