High Elf Archer came awake wondering when and if she had actually fallen asleep. A sense of serene calm which attested she had indeed slumbered long and well…

…lasted only until she opened her eyes to find Goblin Slayer staring her right in the face.

"Y-A-A-A-A-AAAAH!"

Her comrades bolted upright in their own beds at this shriek. Lizardman Priest went for his bone sword only to freeze upon registering the situation, his reptilian eyesight serving him far better than the others. Meanwhile Priestess and Dwarf Shaman both yelled to know what was happening, peering about until their vision adjusted enough to answer for themselves.

Goblin Slayer stood at the head of the Ranger's cot bent double so that they were practically chin to forehead. His helm moved to inspect the others for a brief moment before returning to the bulging-eyed elf, who had finally stopped screaming and lay too traumatized to move. Just how long had he been standing there?!

"You're awake. Good."

The remorseless warrior rose up. Barely visible in the darkened room, he seemed a thing of nightmares unto himself in his stained featureless armor. Yet when Goblin Slayer spoke all he said was, "There's a new goblin quest up. I've already claimed it for us. Meet me in the taproom when you're ready."

He then proceeded to step backward into deeper shadows that lay towards the front of the room. There was no sound of a door opening. Yet when Dwarf Shaman hastily lit a candle, it was to find their disturbing colleague had vanished without a trace.

After several seconds in which they looked at one another askance, it was silently agreed to leave the light on. All four lay back down in an attempt at further rest they suspected might not be easy coming.

At last High Elf Archer said, "Okay, just to be clear, is anyone else completely terrified of Orcbolg?"

Two hands immediately rose into the air.

"Well… I wouldn't say terrified," Priestess spoke up nervously. "I respect him a lot, and he saved my life, so if I had to describe my feelings…"

"Be honest, lass," the dwarf chided her with a sigh.

"Okay, fine, yes! He scares the piss out of me, when I have nightmares, he's always in them, even worse than goblins, can we please talk about this later when the sun is up?!"

By silent consent it was so. The anxious young woman laid her golden head back down on the pillow and closed her eyes. Hands clasped before her breast, she offered a quiet prayer to the Earth Mother.

Under her bed, there came the faintest creak.

Priestess stiffened anew. "G-G-Goblin Slayer, sir?" she whispered, feeling foolish but unable to keep from asking. "Is… is that you?"

From the area of the floorboards a hollow voice replied, "Maybe…"

The girl clutched her blankets with a whimper.

Meanwhile High Elf Archer stared in incredulous horror at the poor thing. A terrible suspicion grew within her. Pride alone saw that valiant explorer swallow these fears and, careful not to make a sound, she rolled over and very slowly stuck her head over the side to peer cautiously beneath her own bedframe.

Goblin Slayer peered right back.

Before she could so much as draw breath to scream, he placed a leather-shod finger to her lips, miming for silence. Upside-down, High Elf Archer looked down (or up) at this impediment with wide eyes, then back at him and gave a slow nod to show she understood. This seemed to satisfy him, and he permitted the elf to retreat without complaint.

"I thought he was under your bed!" High Elf Archer hissed accusingly at Priestess as she curled up beneath the covers.

"He's under all our beds!" Lizardman Priest insisted in a raspy voice laden with dread.

All four shivered and tucked the sheets up around their chins.

Right then, they resolved something needed to be done about Goblin Slayer.

"Thank you for seeing us on such short notice!" High Elf Archer stated. Priestess nodded vigorously to express her own sense of gratitude, seemingly too overcome to have spoken a word since being admitted into their host's presence.

"Not at all." The Archbishop of Water Town, Sword Maiden, sat composed and relaxed behind a desk in her office. The two girls occupied chairs of their own. That saintly figure almost seemed to hover before them, so filled with power and well-earned prestige was she. "How may I be of help?"

"Well, the thing is, Your Eminence, it's Orcbol... er, Goblin Slayer." Despite being two thousand years old, the elf was feeling just a bit immature right now, partly due to the person to whom she was speaking and mainly owing to their reason for being here in the first place.

"Ah." Sword Maiden sat up a little straighter, laying a hand to her cheek self-consciously. "That curious man. Of course, I would be glad to assist him in any way."

"We're… glad to hear it." Okay, just ease into the subject. Don't scare her off, or make it sound any worse than it actually is. Be subtle. Be discreet. Just ask yourself, 'What would Goblin Slayer say?' and then don't say that. "Our problem is this. We're all very… appreciative of Orcbolg. Really, it's not so much that we have issues with him in the workplace, there he's just outstanding. Goblins dead, boom, no problem."

Here she gave a shaky laugh, and the Gold-Ranked Adventurer smiled in turn. Taking this as encouragement, High Elf Archer proceeded. "But outside of work, his manner and general comportment can be a bit… off-putting, maybe? Like it works on adventures, but in different settings, we find he behaves pretty much exactly the same as when he's on a hunt. So we got to discussing the matter, and after careful deliberation the conclusion was reached that some outside activity would benefit him greatly and improve the party as a whole. But the… activity we decided would be of greatest benefit to him… well, I'm not saying any of us weren't willing, but… that kind of thing can alter the dynamics of a party in ways that can't be foreseen and might prove disadvantageous in the future. I mean, look what happened with Female Knight and Heavy Fighter, am I right?!"

Another laugh, but this time Sword Maiden only appeared confused as to who she might be talking about. It dawned on their party's appointed negotiator that she might be avoiding the issue intentionally. The elf resolved to get right down to business… tactfully, of course.

"With that in mind, the best course of action seemed to be searching for an outside party, and your name came up almost immediately considering the sort of interaction the two of you had in the past, so perhaps, if it's not against your vows or your preferences, not that I care what those might be, and I'm not judging you, that's really not my business, just so we're clear, but we wondered if you perhaps eventually might see your way to…"

"…fuck him!" Priestess forcefully interjected.

For a while nobody said anything more.

"And we're not asking you to do it for free, Your Eminence!" Priestess added when further debate did not follow. "We'll gladly pay you for your time!"

High Elf Archer managed to keep a smile in place, but the rest of her face had turned to wood. She swung around to angrily confront Priestess as to her impulsive behavior, but found the best she could manage was a slight gasping noise.

As for Sword Maiden…

The legendary figure remained still for a time. Then she proceeded to lean forward and laced her fingers together on the tabletop in businesslike fashion.

"Let me see if I understand this correctly. You want me, the highest officer serving as anointed head of a holy chapter for the Supreme God Himself, to lay with a man… for money?"

The way she emphasized that last word should have served as a warning for any reasonably intelligent individual. Hell, a moron should have known not to take it any further than that! But not, it would seem, our dear Priestess.

"Actually, I thought we could make it an official quest! Something like… 'Bang the Moody Goblin Slayer to Improve his Disposition!' And that way it wouldn't be anything naughty or improper. Just a Gold-Ranked Adventurer completing a very difficult quest! And getting paid for it afterwards!" She glanced hopefully from Ranger to Archbishop. "Right?"

Looking back at that imposing figure, High Elf Archer could have sworn she saw the woman's eyes narrow behind her blindfold.

Rather than the explosion of outrage she had been expecting, however, Sword Maiden simply reached over and slid a blank sheet of paper onto the pad in front of her. Removing a quill pen from its golden inkstand, she bent over it and began to write. "Thank you both for coming. Go in peace, with the protection of our God."

The Elf was ready to do just that, but beside her Priestess leaned anxiously forward and proclaimed, "Is it about the money? Because we can double it! No, TRIPLE if that helps! I–!"

"THANK you, go in peace!"

Next thing they knew, Priestess and High Elf Archer found themselves slung beneath the arms of a notably large and burly priest who marched towards the door holding the two girls like piglets at market.

"Hey!" the elf yelped. "Lemme go, ya big gorilla! Getcher sweaty hands off me or I'll–!"

"You'd only have to do it once!" Priestess shouted while trying to crane her head around. "He'd probably fall asleep right afterwards! We could leave the money on the bedside table if that's more convenient for you!"

"Escort our esteemed elven guest off the temple grounds," Sword Maiden sang pleasantly while busying herself with writing. "Oh, and take our dear young Priestess to the Closet of Penitence, where she may atone for any transgressions she might have made along the way."

"No! No, not the Closet! Not the CLOSET, I hate the paddle! I just HATE the paddle! PLEASE, NOT THE PADDLE! NOT THE PADDLE, YOUR EMINENCE, NOT THE PADDLE! NOT THE–!"

The sound of their bickering drifted away. Continuing with her correspondence, Sword Maiden paused for a moment in which a fond smile flitted briefly over her lips. Then she resumed holy work, her thoughts, whatever they might be, kept private.

FIN.