Hey guys- this is chapter 2 of my fic, set shortly after Jack's death. In the first chapter, we saw how Jack's death affected Rebecca, now we'll see how it affected Kevin.
One month after Jack's death
Kevin's POV
I stare blankly at the TV screen in front of me. It is showing an episode of 'Friends,'which is one of my favorite shows and never fails to cheer me up. Today though, my mind just isn't on the show.
Instead, my mind keeps wandering back to the last words I said to my father. My words were so hurtful, and I know I can't take them back, no matter how much I want to. As much as I want to apologize to my dad for the upsetting things I've said to him, it's too late now. He's gone, burnt into ashes which are scattered under a tree. He'll never know how sorry I am for the distressing things I've said to him the night before his death and prior to that. I'll never be able to make amends with him, and this thought eats me up inside.
I'm never the type to show my emotions, being extremely good at hiding them. I'm a born actor- I hide my real emotions behind a mask which I present to the world every day. I seem fine on the outside - but inside, I am broken.
I haven't shed a single tear since my father's death a month ago. Concerned family members, friends and relatives have asked me whether I am ok, and each time I answer that I am fine. Maybe it was more to convince myself than them that I'm fine. The reality is, I am broken and grieving deep down inside, but I do not want to let them know that.
In just a matter of months, life as I knew it turned upside down. Just a few months ago I was the star of the school football team. I lead the team to numerous victories and was recommended by my team coach as a candidate for football scholarships at prestigious universities throughout the country. My heart was set on going to Notre Dame and I knew that I was practically guaranteed a spot (not due to my mediocre grades, but due to my prowess on the football field). I was supposed to be well on my way to playing in the Super Bowl, instead of just watching it on TV. I was on the path to achieving that dream of mine. I was in my prime. The entire school looked up to me - I was the school's hope to win the interschool football championship. Boys wanted to be like me, and girls wanted to be with me. I was one of the most popular guys in school.
Then this all came to an abrupt end with one stupid knee injury. This life-altering injury occurred in just a split second. One moment I was running with the ball, and the next moment I was lying on the ground, wincing in pain and holding my knee. I think I could hear my knee pop as it gave way from under me. It was the most excruciating pain I have ever experienced in my life. But even more agonizing than the physical pain was the emotional anguish I felt when I was informed that I would be unable to play football anymore. When dad conveyed the doctor's words to me, I felt my whole world crash down on me. My entire livelihood was gone. Before that, I lived and breathed football. All my future hopes and dreams had been built on the prospect of being able to play in the Super Bowl one day. Now, all my hopes and dreams are dashed. I have nothing left in the future to hope for or look forward to.
My parents tried to convince me to apply to a community college, but I refused. I was supposed to play football at Notre Dame or another a prestigious university well known for its football program, not some stupid community college! I think I would rather die than go to community college. I know I disappointed my parents when I angrily voiced my opinion to them. But I didn't care anymore. I stopped caring about anything.
Just when I thought life couldn't throw me any more curveballs and bring me down any further, when I thought I couldn't lose any more things in my life, I lost my beloved dad.
I had a heated argument with my parents the night of the fire. It was the first time in my whole life that I didn't watch the Super Bowl with my family. Prior to that, the entire family would never miss a single Super Bowl game together. It was a family tradition. I was just so pissed off with my life. I hated my foot in an uncomfortable cast and limping around on crutches, and I detested having to depend on my family to do certain things for me. Most of all, I hated the fact that I would never be able to pursue my passion and dream anymore.
I was attending a party with Sophie the fateful night of the fire. I remember Kate finding me asleep in my car after the party and breaking the news to me. She was sobbing uncontrollably and I just held her to my chest while balancing on my crutches, trying to comfort her. I didn't cry- maybe I was still in too much shock and disbelief, or maybe I wanted to stay strong for my sister, who was falling apart in my arms. It was only when I attended Dad's funeral did it sink in for me that it was real - Dad was really gone. Also, the childhood house I grew up in with my siblings was gone, totally burnt down to the ground. Now, not only was my dream and livelihood taken away from me- but my dad and the only home I had ever known as well. Life sucks so bad, doesn't it? Deep down inside my heart was one black empty hole. I had lost almost everything in my life; I have nothing else left to lose.
Of course, I find it hard to believe. Dad, my invincible dad, the one who I looked up to and secretly hoped to be one day is gone. The last time I saw him he was in totally good health. Now, I would give anything just to see him again. I can't take back the hurtful words I said to him the night before or the times before that. I've to admit, I wasn't the easiest child to deal with. I was always angry and resentful of Randall and know that I was awful to him, despite Dad constantly asking me to treat him better as he is my brother. I would give anything for a chance to apologize to Dad and make amends with him. Yes, he might have been tough with me at times, but maybe it's because he placed so much hope in me as his firstborn. Although he seldom said it out loud, I know how proud he was of me. I am still beating myself up over the fact that Dad never knew how sorry I am over the nasty words I said to him the night before, and how sorry I am for hurting his feelings. Yes, mom would have conveyed my message to him, but it just wasn't the same as me telling him face to face. Now he'll never know, he'll never hear my apology. If only I had accepted Mom's offer to talk to Dad on the phone that night and hear his voice one last time. If only I had stayed at home that night and spent time with him during his last night on earth.
Knowing Dad, he wouldn't want me to feel guilty about it. I know he would forgive me and is proud of me. Or that is what I want to believe.
I am still wallowing in my thoughts when I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around to face Sophie, who is sitting beside me. She smiles at me, showing me her perfect smile as she holds my hand and squeezes it in a comforting gesture.
We both sit in silence, with the laughter of the audience in the TV and Chandler's voice forming background noise. No words need to be uttered between us. After being together for so many years, we both understand each other's emotions and can communicate with each other with just our eyes, gestures and body language.
She is my only source of comfort in times of grief like this. She has been providing me support and solace when my family can't. Mom, Randall and Kate are grieving too, so it isn't fair to place more grief upon them. I am spending more time at Sophie's nowadays, to escape from the gloomy atmosphere surrounding my family. I feel so comfortable with Sophie - I can pour my entire heart and soul to her and she would just listen to me without ever judging me. Her parents are very supportive too- offering me comfort and giving me and Sophie space when we need it.
Unfortunately, we can't be in this close proximity for much longer. Sophie is going to NYU this fall, while I will be going to some stupid community college, which I still haven't filled out the application form for. Yes, I know that we can communicate via email, but it isn't the same as being able to see her in person, smell her scent and feel the warmth of her touch. We'll be miles apart, and it will be hard for us to visit each other.
Now though, I am trying to spend as much time with her as possible, and cherish every single moment I have with her by my side.
If there is one thing that life has taught me over the past few months, it is the fact that nothing in life is permanent. Anything you love can be taken away from you in an instant.
Our eyes meet as I return her smile and squeeze her hand in return.
My free hand inadvertently touches the pendant I am wearing. It isn't just any necklace – it has a deep significance. My dad gave it to me as a gift when I injured my knee a few months before he died. I was totally heartbroken when dad broke the news to me that the doctor said I would never be able to play football again. Sensing my devastation, he said that I have a beautiful talent, but he knew in his gut that it's not the only one I have. He reached for a pendant on a chain he has always worn, and he said that it's the Buddhist symbol of purpose, and someone in Vietnam gave it to him at a very hopeless time in his life. He put it around my neck and said that he was feeling very lost when he got it, but he put it on and moved forward. He told me that he was wearing it the day that I was born, and when I came out, "his Number One," for the first time it hit him like a bolt of lightning – I was his purpose. And he reassured me that I would find my purpose too. I didn't know which made me tear up- the fact that I wouldn't be able to play football anymore, or dad's proclamation, or the necklace or a combination of all of these. Having said these words that were so meaningful to me, he gave me a warm hug and kissed me on the cheek. Little did I know that this was the last embrace we would ever have.
"Still thinking about your dad huh? " Sophie's soft voice brings me back to the present as she puts a comforting arm around me.
"Yeah," I reply, as I continue fiddling with the pendant absent-mindedly.
A moment of silence passes between us before Sophie speaks again. " I'm so sorry, Kevin. I know how hard it must be for you. Your dad was such a great and wonderful man."
"Yes, he was." I answer. ' Great and wonderful are such understatements to describe him,' I think to myself.
"You know, you can talk to me about it. I can see it in your eyes and your expression that you're missing him now. I'm here. You can tell me everything about him, what you miss about him, all the wonderful memories you had with him. When my grandpa passed away, talking about memories of him helped," Sophie offers as she adjusts to a more comfortable position on the couch and turns to face me. "I can listen all night."
What should I tell her? Should I tell her that I still harbor this guilt within me about the argument I had with Dad the last time I saw him? That I would love to take back all the cruel things I've said to him and all the silly things I've done to make him mad at me over the years? During his funeral, well-meaning guests have told me that he would be so proud of me, looking down at me from heaven. I wonder how he can be proud of such a son as me? All I did when he was still alive was cause him so much anger, embarrassment and grief. I remember how mad he was at me when I was rude to the scout from Pittsburgh University. I was so damn cocky because I already knew that I was destined to go to Notre Dame and play in the Super Bowl. It took a crushing knee injury and the loss of a parent for me to realize that we can never take things in life for granted.
Now the guilt is eating away at me.
"I remember him telling you to get me home safely whenever it was late at night. I remember him always asking me how my day was whenever he saw me, and always giving me a smile and cracking a joke sometimes. He always made me feel welcome in the family," Sophie starts when I don't reply her.
'You think you knew my dad huh? There are still so many things you didn't know about him. Like how he favored Kate and would always give in to her but was always so tough and strict with me. I don't know why. Probably it was because I'm his firstborn and parents always expect a lot from their firstborn child. He struggled with alcohol addiction too. He wasn't perfect, Sophie. But he was as close to perfect as a dad can be. He knew how to cheer us up when we were feeling down, and when we siblings got into fights, or when we got into an argument with Mom, he would always know how to diffuse the situation,' was what I wanted to say.
"What do you want to know about my dad? Why are you so interested in him?!" I snap. "You don't really know him, only what you see from the outside."
Sophie seems taken aback by my sudden outburst.
"I'm sorry, I just thought that you needed someone to talk to, to handle your grief about your dad. I've learned that talking to someone helps to handle the grieving process," she says meekly.
"Yeah, I know. I just… don't want to talk about him right now ok? Right now we should focus on us and cherish our remaining time together before you go to NYU," I say.
"Ok," Sophie replies, a tone of sadness in her voice as she proceeds to rest her head on my chest and I pull her close to me.
We sit in that position for a long time, letting Rachel's voice fill the silence in the air. The TV audience is laughing when Rachel says something hilarious, but neither Sophie or I crack up.
"You can come to NYU with me," Sophie suggests suddenly.
"What? No, I can't! My grades aren't good enough!" I exclaim incredulously.
"Why do you always say you're not good enough?" Sophie asks exasperatedly. "Who told you so? Your parents?"
I sigh deeply. She does have a point here, she always does.
"Sophie, we have to be realistic here. Before my injury, all I cared about was football and my grades suffered as a result. The highest grades I get are Cs - do you really think the university will accept me?"
Sophie remains silent as she stares at Monica on the TV screen.
"I just don't want to be far away from you," she admits.
"I know. Me neither," I say sadly as I hug her close to me.
"But we can always keep in touch, right? I mean there is the internet and email now," she says as she looks up at me and our eyes meet.
"Of course we can," I say as I let her snuggle closer to me. "How lucky we are that we now live in the era of the internet where we can now communicate with each other, no matter how far apart we are? No more waiting for weeks for mail like our ancestors did. I'll work all summer to buy the latest Nokia mobile phone to contact you."
"But it just isn't the same," Sophie insists. "Reading your words and hearing your voice just isn't the same as seeing you face to face, feeling your touch and snuggling close to you."
"I know- but I'll visit you often ok? I'll drive the many miles to see you every weekend," I promise.
"You promise? "Sophie asks, as she looks at me straight in the eye.
"Yes, pinky promise," I say earnestly as I extend my pinky finger and she links hers with mine.
Just then, the house phone rings and Sophie picks it up.
I listen to her having a brief casual conversation with the other person on the line before she hands the phone receiver over to me.
"It's Kate, "she whispers.
"Kate?" I wonder why my sister would call Sophie's house at night when she hasn't been talking to Sophie for months.
"Kev- I need you to come home." Kate's voice is quivering on the other end of the line.
Alarm bells are now ringing in my head.
" Are you ok? Is mom ok? Is Randall ok? " I ask. I can hear the panic in my voice.
"Yes, we're all ok. I just… need you, " Kate answers. I think I can hear her sniffling. She doesn't need to say much. I don't need to ask her why she doesn't go to mom or Randall. I know that now Dad is gone, our twin bond means that I'm the closest family member she has left.
"Ok, I'll be right there, Kate. Just wait for me ok? "I reassure her.
"Ok," came her muffled reply.
"I've gotta go now," I say to Sophie after I hang up the phone. "I'll see you tomorrow at school ok? Then I'll come over right after school," I promise as I give her an affectionate peck on the cheek and a passionate kiss on the lips.
"Ok- you go be with Kate. She needs you. You guys need each other," Sophie agrees.
When I reach home - well the house we rented since our old house burnt to the ground - the entire house is silent. Silence, this has been the theme for my family since dad's death. Everything is so quiet. The room that Randall and I share is empty. Randall must be at Alison's. I creep over to Mom's bedroom, not hearing a single sound being emitted from the room. I slowly creak open the bedroom door to find her fast asleep, hugging the pillow on the empty side of the bed. It pains me to see her sleeping like this- still sleeping on her side of the bed, as if expecting Dad to reappear beside her at any moment.
I don't want to disturb her, as I don't want her to wake up to harsh reality again. She might be dreaming about dad, and I don't want to interrupt that dream of hers if that is so.
I gently close the door behind me and make my way to Kate's bedroom where I suppose she is now. As I approach her room, I can hear loud sniffling noises coming from inside. I pause outside the bedroom door and press my ear against the door. The sniffling grows louder until it becomes sobbing. Feeling my heart break for her, I knock on the door.
"Kate?" I call out. The sobbing continues.
"Kate?" I call again, louder this time. The sobbing now stops.
"Kevin?" her voice is muffled from inside the room. She might be burying her head in the pillows.
"Can I come in?" I ask.
"Ok," came the muffled answer.
I slowly open the door of her room to find her sitting on her bed, cuddling her puppy close to her. The puppy is also whimpering, sensing its owner's sad emotions.
Kate slowly looks up at me with tear stained cheeks and watery eyes.
'I miss dad so much,' her eyes seem to say.
Without saying a word, I sit down beside her and pull her into a hug as she rests her head on my shoulder and continues sobbing.
Yes, she might have been Dad's favorite child, or that is what I led myself to believe. But that doesn't matter now as both of us are grieving the loss of our beloved father together.
Ok, that's it for this chapter- comments, reviews and messages are very much appreciated. Do let me know what you guys think- I would really love to hear from you all! 3 3
P.s. Do stay tuned for Kate and Randall's POVs