Carlito and Santino had been on the road for hours. All the beer is gone, and sadly Santino doesn't have any cheesy puffs to help pass the time. After a really long time, they see a steak house up ahead. So they park their car and get inside. The whole steak house was empty except for two other guys who were busy stuffing their faces with steak. Carlito and Santino sat far away from the two men, until they were spotted and started to approach them.
"Psst, don't look now, but those guys are coming over here." Carlito said.
Santino turned his head and stared at the two guys, prompting Carlito to grab him and twist his neck back.
"Didn't Carlito tell you not to look?!" Carlito said.
"Calm down my dear friend, they probably just want an autograph from me, Santino Marella." Santino said smugly.
The two men, an Asian and an Indian, were apparently just looking for some hot sauce, as they moved past Carlito and Santino.
"Hey! Where-a are you going? Santino Marella and Carlito is sitting right here!" Santino said loudly, calling after them.
The attention of the two men was caught as they dropped their hot sauce and went over to their table. Carlito made eye contact with the Indian and saw a dazed look in his eyes. Carlito glanced at the Asian and saw a hint of sexual perversion in him.
"Hey man, are two high or something?" Carlito asked.
"Nope, not yet, but we will be." The Indian replied.
"How rude of us, my name is Harold and this here is Kumar." The Asian said.
"Nice to be meeting you. Now, how about that autograph?" Santino said, readying his pen.
"Sorry bros but we can't stop now. We're on a quest to find White Castle." Kumar said.
"Well, we are looking for Steroids World! Have-a you seen it?" Santino said.
"Nope, the only drug for us is the one waiting for us at our car." Kumar said, dreamily.
"Dude, we lost our car again, remember? Some guy named Ryan Seacrest stole it." Harold said.
"Damn, where's Neil Patrick Harris when you need him?" Kumar said.
"Oooookay…Listen, you go-a and start the car while I handle this." Santino whispered into Carlito.
Carlito agreed and went over to their car and turned on the engine. He pulled up in front of the door and waited for a while, until he realized something was up.
"What the hell is taking so lo—Oh dear God!" Carlito said.
From his seat he could see Santino grabbing Kumar by the collar of his shirt, bitching slapping him repeatedly, while Harold crawled to a corner in a feeble position. The waiters and the chefs were busy running from Santino and were probably dialing 911 on the phone.
"No! Santino! What the hell are you doing?" Carlito yelled, getting back inside.
"You stupid immigrant! You don't-a want Santino's autograph?!" Santino yelled at Kumar.
"Santino! Let him go!" Carlito said, pulling him away from Kumar.
"What are-a you doing?" Santino demanded.
"Saving you from doing any jail time! I thought you were handling it?!"
"Yes, I was. I thought we agreed to beat-a them up?"
"No! I was going to start the car while you distract them!"
Santino looked confused and for a while, was in deep thought. Afterwards, he let out a big smile and started to laugh.
"Oh…My apologies dear friend. By any anyway, no harm done right?" Santino said.
"Whatever, let's just get to the car." Carlito said.
"Dude, where's our car?" Carlito then said, looking out the window.
"Oh, when you were restraining me, I-a saw those two immigrants steal it." Santino said.
Carlito stared at Santino, mouth foaming and eyes burning with rage.
"Why didn't you do something?" Carlito demanded.
"You were restraining me." Santino answer simply.
After screaming and stomping for about half an hour, Carlito finally calmed down and the two of them began to walk. Occasionally, a car would pass by and Carlito would be quick to hitch hike. Sometimes, they'd be ignored. Other times they'd stop, only to be driven away be Santino. At this point, Carlito was just about to snap. Suddenly, a bright light started to flash. It was a huge truck. Carlito signaled for it to stop and luckily for them, it did. The door opened and a large furry man spat out some tobacco unto the road, hitting Carlito's shoes.
"Hey, you spat on my shoes!" Carlito said.
"I know, I was aiming for it." The trucker said, "So you boys comin' or what?"
They begrudgingly entered the truck and were off. The truck smelled like it had a burning corpse in it. There were posters of naked girls everywhere and the trucker looked like he hadn't taken a bath in years.
"So, uh, thanks for picking us up." Carlito finally said.
"Think nothing of it boy." The trucker said, looking into Carlito's eyes lovingly.
His stare made Carlito uneasy. He tried to look away, but every time he'd turn to face the trucker, their eyes always met. In fact, the trucker seemed to be staring more at Carlito than the road.
"Hey, don't you need to keep your eyes on the road or something?" Carlito asked.
"Boy, when you've traveled this here parts as much as I do, you don't need to look at the damn road as much as you used to."
"So…what-a do you do?" Santino asked.
"I'm a homosexual delivery boy." The trucker answered plainly.
Carlito nearly choked on his own spit as heard the trucker's answer. He felt a strong hand on his lap. He turned to see the trucker smiling suggestively at him.
"Don't be nervous boy, I handle with care." The trucker said.
"Wait just a moment," Santino said, "You are-a faggot?!"
"That's what some people call me." The trucker said in a prideful tone.
"OOhh, that make-a me so mad!!" Santino said, as he grabbed the trucker and began attacking him.
Carlito didn't have time to react. He was still shocked at the trucker's sexual orientation and Santino's apparent homophobia to care that they were now crashing towards a tree.