Scully woke with a raging heart, drenched in sweat and startled from her sleep. Her chest was heaving and her eyes widened with fear. She tried to calm down, looking around frantically only to find the other side of the bed empty. Mulder was nowhere to be seen and she felt lonely. She tossed the sheets away and looked around but it was eerily quiet in the house.
She knew there was something she had to find, something she had held on so dearly just a few moments ago and now it had been taken away from her. She wanted to scream for help, wanted to find Mulder but she was scared and maybe she was running out of time.
Scully stumbled out of bed, her drenched shirt sticking to her warm skin. She knew she shouldn't be doing this but right now she was far away from rational thinking. She made it to the bathroom, holding on to the doorframe and her vision blurred in front of her. Scully felt the sweat break out on her face, feeling terribly dizzy but she couldn't stop looking.
„Baby," she whispered and looked around. That's what she had been looking for, that's what she was missing; she was trying to find her baby.
The fear was taking her breath away as she was desperately looking around the bathroom, scanning every little thing she could see but there was no sign of a baby. Nothing that indicated that a baby had ever lived in this place and it only started to sink in slowly.
„No," she whispered and shook he head. „No, no, no."
Scully reached for the sink, trying to steady her trembling body when the sobs started to seize her and she couldn't stop the tears from falling.
She knocked over a glass and a few bottles that dropped to the floor, the sound of glass shattering echoing through the room but she didn't care. Slowly she sat down on the edge of the bathtub, feeling strangely exhausted. Every part of her body hurt and she was starting to feel chilly now that she was no longer wrapped up in her blanket. It finally dawned on her that all of this had been a bittersweet nightmare; a memory and a dream, a trick that her mind had played on her while she was asleep.
At a time when she wasn't strong enough to fight off the demons of her past, that were always lingering close by, they chose to attack her when she was at her weakest. Only slowly her senses were coming back to life after she had been startled from her sleep and climbed out of bed without giving her body the slightest chance to catch its breath.
What she had seen had broken her heart; it had filled her with so much joy when she was asleep but it wasn't real, it was nothing but a dream that had torn open ancient wounds that left her in deep pain.
„Scully?" she heard Mulder call from somewhere in the house but she couldn't answer him, couldn't tell him that she was okay. Her voice was stuck in her throat and she was choked by all the emotion that was welling up inside of her, tightening her chest.
It was something so personal, her own kind of grief that she had carried with her for so many years, something she had tried to escape from, that was now crashing down on her with all its strength and she felt all alone but she couldn't bear being around Mulder either.
She heard Mulder's footsteps on the stairs when he came to see what had happened but it was something that appeared far away, something that was out of her reach.
She tried to breathe through the pain inside her chest but every time she did, it became a little harder. She felt the hot tears run down her cheeks and when Mulder reached her she couldn't even speak, there was nothing but heartbreaking sobs echoing off the bathroom walls. She was shaking, even harder now that she could no longer contain her pain. She saw Mulder crouch down in front of her, felt his hand touch her cheek and that little gesture of affection was all it needed to break her and push her over the edge. The pain was suffocating her because it didn't have a place in her every day life and as much as she knew that it would pass, she could no longer keep it hidden inside.
She leaned against Mulder, slowly crumbling and crying against his shoulder, weeping for something that she had seen only in her dreams but was so painfully real at the same time.
***
She was pregnant. She could feel the baby move and she couldn't wait to hold her little baby girl. It wasn't long now and her initial worries had faded week after week. A couple of months ago she had been sitting on the bathroom floor, crying when she had found out that she was pregnant.
She couldn't explain it, didn't know how that was possible. She had been scared because it wasn't something she had considered possible after such a long time and she thought that she was way too old to have a baby now. She had been terrified and confused but what had she been supposed to do?
Mulder had laughed at her for being so emotional about this and it had taken him a couple of days until he had really understood what she had actually told him and when he woke up in the middle of the night, suddenly remembering her words, he had been as equally terrified as she had been.
She could feel her baby girl and she was so excited, certain that nothing could harm them now. A few weeks later she delivered a healthy baby girl at home with Mulder by her side and she had cried for so long now that she was finally holding her baby girl safely in her arms. She had kissed her on the forehead and breastfed her while her tiny hand held on to her pinky. She was tired but she looked up and smiled at Mulder who couldn't quite believe what he was seeing and that this had actually happened.
She could hear her cry, she could smell her and everything was fine but when she woke up the next morning she felt that something was wrong and when she walked over to the crib she found it empty. Her heart skipped a beat and Scully started to look around, wondering what had happened. It was quiet and she was starting to be afraid, knowing that this wasn't how it was supposed to be. What if they had come to take her child away again?
She stood in the middle of the bedroom, feeling terribly lost. She wanted to scream for help, wanted to run through the house and find her baby but she was frozen in place. Her body felt heavy and she couldn't move an inch, no matter how hard she tried. Her fear of the truth had numbed her and there was nothing she could do. It was too late.
***She didn't know how long the dream had lasted since she had been drifting in and out of sleep the entire time. It might have been two minutes or two hours, she wouldn't be able to tell the difference.
What she did know was that it hurt, terribly so because it reminded her of ancient pain that she had long forgotten about.
She clung to Mulder, weeping against his shoulder. Only slowly did her cries ebb off and after a little while there was nothing but dry sobs leaving her lips. She was trembling, snuggling up against Mulder's chest. She loved his smell and the feeling of his arms around her; it was soothing and reassuring.
„Scully, what happened?" he asked softly, sounding very concerned. It didn't happen often that she was so openly emotional, that something threw her off like this but he knew that she was still running a fever and somehow she wasn't quite there with him yet.
She mumbled something that he couldn't make out the first time but when he tried to help her sit up he was sure that he understood what she was saying.
„The baby," she whispered. „My baby girl," she said again and again and Mulder felt his heart sink.
It was finally starting to make sense to him; she must have had a fever-induced nightmare that had completely thrown her off. He could only guess what it had been about and something inside of him thought that he didn't even want to know. Mulder hugged her fragile body, wishing he could protect her from any kind of harm because for all he knew she had suffered enough for more than one lifetime.
He wanted to take her back to bed and make sure that she stayed there and got some more sleep and this time he promised that he would be there when she woke from another nightmare. Her shirt felt clammy to the touch, drenched with sweat and he wanted to help her feel a little more comfortable before returning to bed.
„I will be right back," he said and helped her sit down on the edge of the bathtub. She wiped the last remains of tears away with the back of her hand and waited, not quite sure what else to do. Mulder came back just a moment later, bringing pj's and fresh underwear.
„You don't have to do that," she whispered when he filled the sink with warm water, squirting a bit of her favorite shower gel in. A few seconds later the faint smell of lavender filled the air.
„But I want to," Mulder said because he meant it and he wouldn't let her talk him out of it. „I promise you'll feel a bit better after that."
He turned around and helped Scully out of her shirt. She didn't protest but lazily raised her arms to let him undress her for the second time in just a couple of hours. She felt a shiver run through her when the cool air touched her naked skin.
Gently he ran the cloth over her arms and her shoulders and she sighed softly because it actually felt nice. Scully felt the soft fabric touch her breasts and kept her eyes on Mulder, thinking that she couldn't love him more.
She leaned forward and put her forehead against Mulder's, taking a few deep breaths. She had no doubt that the pain would fade and that everything would be better in a few days.
„Turn around a little," he told her.
She closed her eyes when he washed her back and once he was done he put the cloth aside. He was crouching in front of her and reached for the golden cross that she carried around her neck. It was twisted and he made sure it was in the right position before she dried herself off and slipped the fresh shirt on.
„I just wanna brush my teeth," she said and pushed herself up. She still felt weak and exhausted but now that she was up she wanted to make the most of it.
„Don't step into the glass," he warned her; she had already forgot about the glass she had knocked over.
„I'll be right here if you need anything," he said and placed a kiss on her shoulder when he walked by and left the bathroom. She weakly smiled to herself because Mulder was wearing comfy clothes and, for a man who claimed never to do that, he seemed to be getting used to it pretty quick. She didn't tell him but she was glad that he stayed at home with her. At some point she would have kicked him out, thinking it wasn't necessary for him to stay off work just because she was sick but now she couldn't be happier that he stuck around.
Scully brushed her teeth and splashed her face with water; her cheeks were still flushed and her eyes glassy and slightly reddened. Nothing she did changed anything about her rather pitiful appearance but it did make her feel a little better. She brushed her hair and tied it back, thinking that it could use a wash but what did it matter now? Gratefully she changed into the fresh trousers and panties Mulder had brought her before she left the bathroom.
„You wanna tell me what happened?" Mulder asked and Scully wrapped his arms around him, putting her head against his chest.
„Will you just hold me?" she whispered and Mulder walked them over to the bed without letting go off her. She noticed that he had changed their blankets and she was now crawling under his. It smelled liked him somehow and she loved it. He got onto the bed behind her, letting him pull her towards his body.
She sighed, feeling a little more relaxed.
„It was a nightmare," she whispered and felt the emotions well up inside of her once more. It was still there though not quite as strong as it had been a couple of minutes ago.
„I dreamed that… that I had…" she started quietly but couldn't quite get herself to finish what was on her mind. Somehow she had the urge to keep that from Mulder because she wanted to protect him from it, it was just a dream after all. Something her mind had made up.
„I dreamed that we had another baby," she finally said and felt the tears brim in her eyes. She turned around in his arms and he looked at her, their faces only inches apart from each other.
„It felt so real," she said. „I could feel it and I could smell her. She was so beautiful," he could see that she was getting tired again and that there was pain in these memories. He didn't know what to say or what would actually put her out of her misery, all he could do was hope that it soon faded and would be forgotten. He knew that these kinds of memories were rather sensitive and had to be treated carefully.
„Maybe you should try to sleep a bit more," he said softly.
„What if it happens again?" she asked.
„I promise I'll be here," he said and spotted the book that he left on the nightstand yesterday, maybe he could read some more once Scully was asleep. He was on vacation, at least that's what he told himself. He was known for never actually taking time off but he thought he might count it as vacation. He was with Scully and that was all that mattered, so he might as well do something with his time when she didn't need him.
„Can you imagine?" Scully asked sleepily and it took him a moment to understand what she was asking him.
„Having another child?" he asked and caressed her cheek with his thumb. „I don't know, Scully."
„I was afraid… that I was… that I would be too old," she said with a faint smile on her lips. „I was terrified but then I didn't care."
He could see that she was about to fall asleep any second, her eyelids drooping while she spoke.
„You were with me when she was born," she whispered and he could feel a dull pain inside his chest, wishing he had been there the first time when she had needed him most. „It was wonderful and she was perfect."
„I'm sure she was," Mulder said and thought about their son and how he barely got to know him. It had been so long but every now and then he thought about William and whether he was having the life he deserved.
She was quiet now, almost asleep and cuddled up against his chest. Mulder kept her close and listened to her even breathing. Knowing that he had let her down almost two decades ago still hurt up to this day but the only thing he could do was make sure that he would never leave her side for the rest of their lives. He had let her walk away a few years ago and he was determined never to let that happen again because it had been one of the biggest mistakes of his life.
He had offered to take her to the doctor but Scully had refused, saying that the medication she had, along with enough bedrest, would work well to make her feel better. So far the fever hadn't got worse so he had accepted her wish not to be taken to a doctor but she had agreed that he could do whatever he considered right once things got worse.
„I'll be here when you wake up," he whispered and kissed her forehead before he reached over and grabbed his book from the nightstand.