~TRIGGER WARNING for Self-harm, Eating Disorders, Depression~

The smell of various colognes and perfumes smacks me in the face as I observe the bustling students around me. Some point and laugh at me, others completely ignore me and continue their conversations. Groups of students stand blocking portions of the hallway, while others attempt to squeeze around the masses. I can't help but sigh as another wave of dread sweeps through me. The noise level of the building is what bothered me the most. It sounded like a competition of 'who could be the loudest and most obnoxious'.

'I need to get my schedule..'

I had ten minutes to get my schedule and find my classroom, which wouldn't be a problem considering it was my fourth year here.

I begin the process of squeezing between students, my eyes fixated on the glass doors which lead to the main office of the school. I do my best to keep my mind occupied, blocking out the various insults I hear directed at me.

'I don't care. I don't care.'

It was only slightly true. I didn't care what they thought about me, but it didn't make their insults hurt any less. I just wanted to disappear.

Finally I burst from the hoard, stumbling a few steps, I brush my hands through my hair, attempting to tame the beast before pulling open the door to the main office.

When I step inside and allow the door to close behind me, the first thing I notice is how much quieter it is.

The second thing I notice is a line of about five students waiting at the long, grey desk. After getting in line, I allow my eyes to wander about the office. Plastic plants sit in every corner, artwork by students is framed on the cream colored walls as well as plaques for various awards the school has won for 'academic achievement'.

After a couple of minutes, I finally reach the front of the line. The woman behind the desk is faceless, nameless to me. Her blonde hair is stringy, the style is in desperate need of updating, Her makeup looks more like a mask I could just pull off if I really desired to, and her clothes looked two sizes too small for her wide frame. The gum she smacks on begins to tear at my nerves as she speaks to me in the same voice every other adult at this school used with me.

'The voice that tells me they pity me and my existence.'

"What's your name, hun?"

All I can focus on is the way she smacks her gum.

"Sebastian.." I tell her, my anxiety levels slowly rising.

"Sebastian what?"

Smack, Smack, Smack.

"Michaelis.. Sebastian Michaelis."

She gives me a pitiful smile as she turns to the pile of papers in front of her, small tabs with letters of the alphabet stick out between the pages. Russling through them, she opens up the 'M' file. After a bit of digging she pulls out my schedule.

"There you are, do you need a map?"

'That sound.. Make it stop.'

Smack, Smack, Smack.

I take the schedule from her plump fingers, the red nail polish she wears is almost offensive but I don't say anything about that. Instead, I smile at her.

"No thank you, It's my forth year here. I know where to go."

Her eyes grow wide at hearing I'm a senior. I wasn't surprised because I'm quite short for my age, standing at only 5'5".

"Oh I thought you were a freshman! I'm sorry!" She cackles loudly, the sound is sharp and hurts my ears so I slowly back away from the desk.

"Uh, Thank you!"

I wave the schedule at her as a fake smile remains on my lips.

I hear a few snickers from the students that were in line behind me as I pass. My anxiety levels climb as I quickly grab the door handle and exit the office.

The sound of all the students attacks my ears yet again as I bring my schedule up and study it carefully.

'Advanced Algorithms, Government, Advanced Psychology, English IV, Art, Physics, Phys. Ed.'

A frown tugs at my lips as I stare at the words 'Phys. Ed.'. I hadn't chosen PE as an elective, since it is my senior year, PE was supposed to be optional but apparently somebody in administration takes great pleasure in torturing me.

I hear the bell sound, it's sharp dinging causes the majority of the students to disperse towards their classes.

My anxiety levels have almost reached their peak, any higher than this and.. and..

'I'll have to go to the bathroom.. I'll have to calm myself down.'

Fantasies of the razor I kept in my pocket swirl through my head as I slowly walk towards my classroom, attempting to hide in the sea of faceless, nameless students.

I didn't like to use my razor at school, I never have because the worry of somebody finding out terrified me, Especially Ciel..

'If Ciel ever found out...'

I shake the thought from my head. I had never kept the fact that I am relentlessly bullied a secret, there was hardly a point since he was now attending the same school as me. But my cutting, no he could never know about that.

It's not even that I'm depressed, I don't think I'm depressed at least.

'I don't want to die. I just wish I was dead.'

Is that the same thing? It's not is it? I don't know anymore, I just wish I didn't exist.

Because maybe they're right.

I look up from my black converse as I enter the hallway where my first class sits. I double check my classroom number on my schedule before finally locating it. Squeezing through the sea of students, I pass through the doors of my classroom.

My eyes sweep across the room, I'm apparently the first one here.

'Strange.. There's only 3 more minutes until class starts.'

Wordlessly, I take a seat in the back of the classroom near the windows which lined the wall across from the door.

The white board bares the words 'Advanced Algorithms', scrawled in black marker.

'Math.. One of the very few things I'm actually good at.'

I stare out the window, ignoring the various students who enter the classroom. The noise level slowly climbs as these nameless, faceless students bring their noisy conversations into the classroom.

Everybody appears to avoid me like a plague, they sit on opposite sides of the classrooms, they only look at me to laugh.

'I don't care.'

I think to myself as I stare out at the busy streets of Seattle.

I'm so used to being laughed at. It's like a second nature to ignore it. To ignore other people and to ignore my feelings.

'Somewhat..'

I can only handle so much. Like everybody, I have to cope somehow.

My thoughts flash to my blade, my hand automatically moves to finger the single edged razor blade in my pocket.

My thoughts then flash to the bathroom, or the toilet more specifically.

How many hours have I spent digging my fingers down my throat?

It was almost as though I thought the more I purged, the better I would feel.

'Which is a circumstantial truth..'

The bell sounds again, and I hear teachers yelling at students to get into their classrooms. Finally, I see my teacher enter the classroom, one last student runs through the door before she shuts it.

Her hair is pretty, a light brown and straight. It reaches her shoulders, tickling her collarbones as she sweeps her eyes over us.

She wears a purple button down with a grey pencil skirt and black flats.

"Hello everyone! Welcome to Advanced Algorithms! My name is Ms. Vaughn. It's a pleasure to meet you."

My eyes watch her move around the room, I listen to her spew the same lines every other teacher will give us about taking our senior year seriously, and how fantastic it is that we're graduating this year.

But my thoughts are elsewhere, I'm distracted by my desire to take out my notebook and begin drawing. I'm distracted by my desire to write, to play my violin and to talk to Ciel.

I'm distracted by my desire to be anywhere else than here.

I'm quickly roused from my thoughts by the sound of a knock on the door.

Ms. Vaughn opens the door, exposing a boy who appears less than thrilled about being here.

"Why are you late? It's only the first day!" She questions him.

I can't hear his response but it causes the teacher to frown. She turns away from him, her blue eyes scan the room before settling on me. Pointing over to me, she tells the boy something that I can't hear.

The boy takes one look at me and rolls his eyes before heading my way.

'Great..'

As he approaches I can make out brown eyes which appear annoyed, cream colored skin and inky black hair, the same color as my own.

He wears a grey band T-shirt, and black jeans and a grey backpack.

'Maybe he's actually really friendly..'

I think to myself, hoping that I didn't just have another nameless, faceless person seated beside me.

When he notices me staring at him, he snarls before pulling out the chair beside me and plopping down. He doesn't move his eyes from me, giving me a cold stare that melts my nerves and causes the thoughts of my blade to grow that much more intense.

'Fantastic... Can this day get any worse?'